Howdy.
It's been a long time. Did you get this?
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Nervous Nelly
I forgot my wallet today, even though I made a really great lunch. I'm real anxious and excited all at once, I have a stomach ache the size of the United Kingdom. I made a really neat breakfast of fried egg, over easy, spinach and mushrooms. I'm craving spagehetti and Jme is coming over tonight. I don't know if I can canoe or fall out of the boat. Get bit by a red headed rattlesnake. Sometimes I want to look into the future and either possess the dread or own the happiness.
Monday, July 23, 2012
How Long?
We all face this question. How long will it last? Whether it's a good thing, or a great feeling, or the horrible feeling of dread. I'm nervous. But in a good way. I'm optimistic, and full of joy. Remembering that just because things are not what we imagined, doesn't make it a failure. It's just a different plan. Different isn't a boo boo. Different is beautiful. I have to remember to embrace it.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
New Phase
Every day is a new day, and even when things don't go exactly as planned. It's okay. I am changing, and so is everyone else. Just like the moon, new phase is already in progress.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Just like the Horses
I don't think any of us had this dream. The way the dream turned out. We had bigger ideas, bigger fish to fry, and less real worries. If we keep going, that's the only way to find out how the dream ends. At least, continues. Holding on, and holding out. The horizon is close, hurting our eyes and our pride. At least the horses haven't given out, and they keep comin' back for more. Just like us. Not giving up, giving in, or flaking out. Holdin' the road the best to our content. Strong.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Do your best
Well the altitude has changed here. You can feel it. It's all shifted looking a little different, feeling different, and it shows. Continue to do your best and just let it fly, this is all that can happen. Entitled to change our minds, the power to make a real difference. I can't change what I can't control, but I can change my mind. Like anyone else breathing we are all in a struggle. For power, money, and yes, even just getting by. This is survival mode and although we can't live in this place, we sure hang on to it with bloody fingers and squeeze hope til we just pop. I'm just still fighting and tired of the feeling of whats the point, does it matter, and how can I make it better?
Im not perfect, just transparently human. Aching at times. At least we have each other and when no one understands, or cares to stop for a minute to remind themselves that we are just that, flesh and blood. Webs of electrons and protons firing all at once and confusing what comes out. Misinterpreted is the word I believe. Im not a fixer, and I do find myself begging to hold on, look for a quick option, just relieving some pressure from the cooker on the stove. We cant keep living in a way that is unbearable. These snippets of what if, and whats it worth, has to come to a close. Taking a deep breath and walking the path is all the energy we have, then thats all that gets done. No more, no less. I cant listen to the aftermath, especially when there's nothing to lose. Risk taker. Don't under mind what other people, worlds, or creatures just will not understand or put themselves in your shoes. Just constantly work through it, telling yourself that you will move past this. The less kicking and screaming may be the best. Even if you do find yourself crying, kicking, screaming, and maybe even hating the everything of whatever you are trying to deal with, that is ok. it just is. It will just have to be. I cant live on the exception that may be hanging in the balance. The exception may not be real, most of the time, its all imaginary. These fears, these demons, the dirt under your fingernails....The ache is real though, that is understood. Humans and our emotions are not made of diamonds, we are not hard, never are we to really be. Humans are to be soft and hopeful. Sick of the microscope we are under, and just fighting and living action words.
Im not perfect, just transparently human. Aching at times. At least we have each other and when no one understands, or cares to stop for a minute to remind themselves that we are just that, flesh and blood. Webs of electrons and protons firing all at once and confusing what comes out. Misinterpreted is the word I believe. Im not a fixer, and I do find myself begging to hold on, look for a quick option, just relieving some pressure from the cooker on the stove. We cant keep living in a way that is unbearable. These snippets of what if, and whats it worth, has to come to a close. Taking a deep breath and walking the path is all the energy we have, then thats all that gets done. No more, no less. I cant listen to the aftermath, especially when there's nothing to lose. Risk taker. Don't under mind what other people, worlds, or creatures just will not understand or put themselves in your shoes. Just constantly work through it, telling yourself that you will move past this. The less kicking and screaming may be the best. Even if you do find yourself crying, kicking, screaming, and maybe even hating the everything of whatever you are trying to deal with, that is ok. it just is. It will just have to be. I cant live on the exception that may be hanging in the balance. The exception may not be real, most of the time, its all imaginary. These fears, these demons, the dirt under your fingernails....The ache is real though, that is understood. Humans and our emotions are not made of diamonds, we are not hard, never are we to really be. Humans are to be soft and hopeful. Sick of the microscope we are under, and just fighting and living action words.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, be fervent in your love, because love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
I'm trying to listen to this verse. Matters of the heart are trying. We have to work on all relationships. Whether romantic or otherwise. And, truth be told, I want that job. In order to love, we have to love ourselves. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Loving ourselves can be the most difficult, demanding, fretful job that could be handed out. At least to me. I am a work in progress. In progress is the phrase we all should focus on. No one perfect, but all yearning for something that feels very difficult. I need to recondition, refurbish, and redirect energy into loving me, and loving others. Not for who they are, what they look like, or what they do for us, but just love them. Even when the tough gets going, and unfortuantely, the tough gets going quite a bit in this life.
For one thing, not everyone can understand or respect your choices. So I have to make that choice, to be lucid enough to grasp that I am not alien race. Just a person, flesh and blood full of pride. Just like any other being on the earth. And I, desire to love and be loved.
I pray to be able to love everyone better. To have the knowledge to love B. To have the knowledge to love my family and friends. And to even have the knowledge to love strangers.
And it's a hard job. That I suppose is the beauty of loving. We have to put it all on the line. Hope. Put on the old clothes and pull up our sleeves in those seasons where it all seems to be too much. That's when we have to love. We may have to give more in order to get more. We may have to give more and not get any thing in return. That's love. We may have to swallow our pride, huimble ourselves in order to make our love work. We may be afraid. We may be concerned that we may not be good enough, but we are. We are all worth a hard days (nights, weekends, lifelong) work. It can be hard to see through the denial we live in. It can be hard to see the forest for the trees, but we have to. In order to love and to make all relationships work. We may want to be married and to live the life we desire, but we may have to wait and work for it. We may not ever want to be married or to cohabitate with someone else and sharing those awful HARD times, but that closes us off to love. What is refreshing though, is we have a choice to do so.
Let's choose love. Let's dig deep. Let us not condemn each other for wanting to love each other and ourselves. Let us make a choice that might make a real difference in other's lives.
You have to fight Dear Girl. In the name of Love and all that it offers. You have to take real steps and say not to fear. No matter what the fear is. You could lose what is precious. Wasting time of being afraid obviously has not been ideal for you. Fear, has held you back. Taken you hostage and enjoyed feasting on you entirely too much. You, loveley, have to stop. Yuo, have to go back to a Place of acceptance. At this point you have to say goodbye to hose roads of hating and begrudging yourself and not accepting who you are. And, who you are, is beautiful. Say Goodbye to those ugly words that have made you believe the worst lies a liar could tell. Say Goodbye. Pack their bags and don't be sorry to see them leave. Remember, I love you Dear Girl.
I'm trying to listen to this verse. Matters of the heart are trying. We have to work on all relationships. Whether romantic or otherwise. And, truth be told, I want that job. In order to love, we have to love ourselves. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Loving ourselves can be the most difficult, demanding, fretful job that could be handed out. At least to me. I am a work in progress. In progress is the phrase we all should focus on. No one perfect, but all yearning for something that feels very difficult. I need to recondition, refurbish, and redirect energy into loving me, and loving others. Not for who they are, what they look like, or what they do for us, but just love them. Even when the tough gets going, and unfortuantely, the tough gets going quite a bit in this life.
For one thing, not everyone can understand or respect your choices. So I have to make that choice, to be lucid enough to grasp that I am not alien race. Just a person, flesh and blood full of pride. Just like any other being on the earth. And I, desire to love and be loved.
I pray to be able to love everyone better. To have the knowledge to love B. To have the knowledge to love my family and friends. And to even have the knowledge to love strangers.
And it's a hard job. That I suppose is the beauty of loving. We have to put it all on the line. Hope. Put on the old clothes and pull up our sleeves in those seasons where it all seems to be too much. That's when we have to love. We may have to give more in order to get more. We may have to give more and not get any thing in return. That's love. We may have to swallow our pride, huimble ourselves in order to make our love work. We may be afraid. We may be concerned that we may not be good enough, but we are. We are all worth a hard days (nights, weekends, lifelong) work. It can be hard to see through the denial we live in. It can be hard to see the forest for the trees, but we have to. In order to love and to make all relationships work. We may want to be married and to live the life we desire, but we may have to wait and work for it. We may not ever want to be married or to cohabitate with someone else and sharing those awful HARD times, but that closes us off to love. What is refreshing though, is we have a choice to do so.
Let's choose love. Let's dig deep. Let us not condemn each other for wanting to love each other and ourselves. Let us make a choice that might make a real difference in other's lives.
You have to fight Dear Girl. In the name of Love and all that it offers. You have to take real steps and say not to fear. No matter what the fear is. You could lose what is precious. Wasting time of being afraid obviously has not been ideal for you. Fear, has held you back. Taken you hostage and enjoyed feasting on you entirely too much. You, loveley, have to stop. Yuo, have to go back to a Place of acceptance. At this point you have to say goodbye to hose roads of hating and begrudging yourself and not accepting who you are. And, who you are, is beautiful. Say Goodbye to those ugly words that have made you believe the worst lies a liar could tell. Say Goodbye. Pack their bags and don't be sorry to see them leave. Remember, I love you Dear Girl.
Monday, January 9, 2012
New Year
Rachel told me that guilt is a product of satan.
I believe that now.
No one had ever told me so, and I just believed it was a product of conviction.
Of God.
I feel better.
I also have to stop hiding.
So, I'm making baby steps.
And thinking of Bill Murray.
Per usual.
Thank you Rachel.
I believe that now.
No one had ever told me so, and I just believed it was a product of conviction.
Of God.
I feel better.
I also have to stop hiding.
So, I'm making baby steps.
And thinking of Bill Murray.
Per usual.
Thank you Rachel.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Counsil
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Where did all this guilt come from? Did I make it up? Is it projected on me, through no fault of my own? I'm not really sure, but if you know the answer - THEN DO TELL. This is not a subject reserved for pillow fights clad in pj's late night confession driven by compulsion. This is an honest question, and I think it's a fine time for an honest answer. True, no one is perfect and no one has it together. When is enough, enough already? Um, not sure.
Guilt is one of those romantic things that I apparently am swept away in.
Please let this flood pass already.
Guilt is one of those romantic things that I apparently am swept away in.
Please let this flood pass already.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Game of Life - 32
No guarantees. Is what we can expect out of life. Especially when it comes to love. I believe in loving who you want, for who they are, for the meat of the person. There are times when we can't explain our emotions. Even in those dark waters, we are just people. Flesh and bone. Sometimes, afraid. Out of reach, out of touch, and stubborn to explain. Our hearts break apart, break open, and become hard as rocks if we are not too careful. My secret for today? I want to be living in Knoxville. I want to be alive instead of fumbling in the darkness and afraid of the bibles thrown at me. Commit it in your heart, and it's already just as good as done.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Twitches of Conviction
Inalienable truth, we desire lives, love, and crave humility in order to feel important. It's been a long time, I know, but not in my journal. A whole lot of nothing and everything happening at once. What comfort! Nothing and everything embraced in a dance of ambiguity.
Bear with me, this is where I am.
Right where you left me.
We must make ourselves indigestible. How do I do this? Organize the poor on your side. Train them. Give them your arms. Let go. Fall in. Soak up, my sponge. It's okay if whatever is said. It's done. Don't go your way. Your way may be disaster. Your way may not turn out. This may be the happening and turn out to be your crowning achievement. There are many not as fortunate. And, who better than to be their friend? Tough as nails. Fragile as it goes. Smile through the rain. I'm makin' it over and over again. She ain't given up on me, and I ain't given up on her. No one could accuse us of livin' fast. Cause we lived as honest and as pure as possible. That knot in your belly is just a warning that you are gettin' tougher. Don't give up that fire in your insides and I know it hurts. Take the pressure off yourself and forgive what you can't control. I'm a wild one, hard to beat. Give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Take me as I am. Strong. We all want to be the person that makes another's jaw drop. Do it for you, resilient bird.
In the words of Waylon, heavy on me today:
If you see me gettin' smaller, I'm leavin', don't be grieving.
Just got to get away from here.
If you see me gettin' smaller,
Don't worry, I'm in no hurry,
I've got the right to disappear.
Bear with me, this is where I am.
Right where you left me.
We must make ourselves indigestible. How do I do this? Organize the poor on your side. Train them. Give them your arms. Let go. Fall in. Soak up, my sponge. It's okay if whatever is said. It's done. Don't go your way. Your way may be disaster. Your way may not turn out. This may be the happening and turn out to be your crowning achievement. There are many not as fortunate. And, who better than to be their friend? Tough as nails. Fragile as it goes. Smile through the rain. I'm makin' it over and over again. She ain't given up on me, and I ain't given up on her. No one could accuse us of livin' fast. Cause we lived as honest and as pure as possible. That knot in your belly is just a warning that you are gettin' tougher. Don't give up that fire in your insides and I know it hurts. Take the pressure off yourself and forgive what you can't control. I'm a wild one, hard to beat. Give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Take me as I am. Strong. We all want to be the person that makes another's jaw drop. Do it for you, resilient bird.
In the words of Waylon, heavy on me today:
If you see me gettin' smaller, I'm leavin', don't be grieving.
Just got to get away from here.
If you see me gettin' smaller,
Don't worry, I'm in no hurry,
I've got the right to disappear.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Hrm.
Lots goin' on here folks. Getting car back today, can't wait, it's gonna be fancy, and I will be in love. B and I had a fanTASTIC Wednesday. We laid low. We laid high. We people watched. We made breakfast, and planned to not have any plans. We wandered through an antique store, which really looked like my house but a touch more organized. Found an anchor with an old chain that I am still thinking about. It was rusty, old, and I bet tasted like salt. Not that I would taste said anchor, but I bet it woooould taste like salt. I opened up to B which felt pretty doggone good. I'm not exactly the "opening up" type. You see, this is a product of rejection. Rejection is one of thos things that can't be avoided. It's a natural product of life, and is a helper to bring us to the neccesary places we are supposed to be at.
It's always the same and that's just a shame, that's all. That's all. Phil Collins has a lot of great points. I should listen to him more. Day to day got you down? Me too. Working hard at getting away from it all. While other's wives live on "daddy's" money, I actually make a living. I'm thankful for that position, although, there are far too many who make it look easy living in debt. Ah. It's their debt at least. Many things to look forward to, the beach, more time with B, wedding, going to Sue's. I'm excited. I can't forget that life is really all about me. That last part was a little rich, but I have the skills to pay the bills, the stuff to back it up. So sue me.
Reflective is where you find me. Breaking through these windows you swore were closed. Banging on the doors that supposedly were locked. This is us. This is where we are, and it aint so bad. Dog pile, cuddle blanket. Sewing pillows and forgetting about the rough seas. Flea marketing, repurposing and forgetting. Me likey. But don't worry about me, because I'm doing great! Just worry about yourself, and the rest will be easy. That advice will never let you down!
Is "juicing" a lifestyle? Think about it.
It's always the same and that's just a shame, that's all. That's all. Phil Collins has a lot of great points. I should listen to him more. Day to day got you down? Me too. Working hard at getting away from it all. While other's wives live on "daddy's" money, I actually make a living. I'm thankful for that position, although, there are far too many who make it look easy living in debt. Ah. It's their debt at least. Many things to look forward to, the beach, more time with B, wedding, going to Sue's. I'm excited. I can't forget that life is really all about me. That last part was a little rich, but I have the skills to pay the bills, the stuff to back it up. So sue me.
Reflective is where you find me. Breaking through these windows you swore were closed. Banging on the doors that supposedly were locked. This is us. This is where we are, and it aint so bad. Dog pile, cuddle blanket. Sewing pillows and forgetting about the rough seas. Flea marketing, repurposing and forgetting. Me likey. But don't worry about me, because I'm doing great! Just worry about yourself, and the rest will be easy. That advice will never let you down!
Is "juicing" a lifestyle? Think about it.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Kenny Chesney
I'm just going to spell it out here. Burn out. A topic so exponentially toxic and horrible that no one enjoys facing or experiencing. B and I have IT. We have burnout. Not with each other, because when we actually have time together we are traveling, crunching in so many activities we want to to do together that we don't have a chance to even focus on just hanging out. We are both beyond burned out with our jobs. Living just shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't. I'm wishing for something dramatic to happen so things can change for the both of us. I can't stand that we just have to "hang in." What if we can't? What if it's all too much? No one discusses when it's all too much. I read about Brandon Marshall this morning. The football player came out and has told everyone about Borderline Personality Disorder. Which he has, and I applaud a person for admitting, "Hey, I need help, " and "Hey, something isn't right." Mr. Marshall, I'm proud of you. For having the gumption instead of wavering and waiting, to stand up and say there's a problem here. This may be mine and B's solution. We have to tell someone. I suppose my first step is telling you. Times are way too tough to be hanging out on a line by ourselves. Wednesday may be our laying low day. It may have to be, punching in and out of these time lines we have are wearing us thin. Thank God we have each other to cling to.
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