Twenty-Somethings

There are days I despise my position in life.

No. I realize, blessings flow everyday.
I see, dear, after the rain, comes the rainbow.
There are days, all I can hear is the weather vane on my house, and I am beyond content with the way the wind blows.

I also, spoiled myself rotten over the weekend, barely coming outside.

(except to weed eat)

I, napped with dogs, ate like a queen, read books, wrote furiously in my journal,

and of course, drank Dos Equis, and dreamed of pizza.

(ate jalapeno burgers, instead.)

Champ and I had a heated debate over Wyatt Earp.

We listened to Leonard Cohen, and lazed in the bed.

I wasn't lonely, and everything felt right.

It still does, feel as if,
I could very well, turn into a dejected piece of space matter,

at any given moment.

Listen kitten, I realize, being a grown-ass woman, with her wits (somewhat) about her, should we continue cat and mouse? Should I always let bygones, be bygones? When, do we, sweep everything under the carpet, as if nothing happened? I mean, the dirt is still under the carpet, and just because, I tried to clean it up, it means the dirt is still there!!!

Where is this coming from? I'm really not so sure, but I am sure, I know what I'm talking about. To question what is, ultimate truth, is like sitting on the couch, bitching about a white elephant. She's still there.

The reason, you don't see her?

Is the whole point of the white elephant syndrome.

Ignored.

She's still there!!!


Address the white elephant with caution, but address her, damn it!

Mike Hawk (say it out loud)

Not mine, yours.

Well, this morning, the stop sign @ Piedmont Road,
that faces Dalton Road, had spray painted,
the words DON'T on top of STOP and BELIEVIN' below STOP.
No shit.
Has made my day.
This song, (ha, ha) encouraged the fuck out of me plenty of days.
I love it. It has plastered a big smile on my face!!!!

I am thinking of tonight's shenanigan's.
Shelane Shenanigan's.
No, SKINNY BITCH SHENANIGAN'S!!!!!

That shall be the title of the evening's festivities.

To the ones who worry, I am staying with Skinny Bitch Shelane, and not out drunk driving. I promise. Tonight, I am sure, will be full of taxi taking, so, put those worries to bed.

Let me begin with Tuesday, hiking was great. Even though, it really wasn't a hike. It was a walk uphill to a beautiful view. I wasn't disappointed, so take that look off your face.

I did, sunburn. It is healing.

Bryan and I sat in the field, I was soaking it in. I thought, and thought, good things, while up there. I love the outside. It is actually where I can reconnect with myself. I don't feel so scattered, rushed. I, did this day, feel some blah.

I just cant constantly talk when I am outside. Or when I exercise. I need to concentrate. I am making mental notes. Going through my check list.(any small distraction for me, is like a million wasps, landing on my face)

My mood, sometimes, is on the verge on content.
And, Tuesday, should have been nothing but contentment.
But it wasn't. It was almost difficult.
(some days, are difficult)

Babe, I don't have a crystal ball, I don't claim to know it all.
I only know how I feel.

I only know, what you tell me.

Angie, Sue and Kim Hodge Perfetti, are 3 people I could spend a day with, and prolly not say a whole bunch. Our comfort is understood. It feels like your feet dangling out the window, on a nice drive. It feels like "the first time". It just feels good.

I realize, I am different.
(Here we go again)
It's cool. It really is.

I had dreams about babies last night. Baby animals, and baby babies.
Babies, represent change. New Birth.

Read this, once again, New Birth. (I have goose-bumps)


My view, on marriage, is different. It has changed. I'm not afraid of it. I am afraid of what it was.

When Thomas and I married, I was in a panic attack for about 3 months, straight. Sure, I smiled, waved, and it wasn't long before, I felt it all shift. Our first fight, that have stated, changed everything, was in December.

Being married, was difficult. I had to change everything. I suppose, you want to say I wasn't ready.

Well, get off your fucking high horse.

You, probably weren't as ready as you claimed to be either.

ANYONE OFFENDED SHOULD STOP READING NOW.

This is a topic of discussion, that is real to me. The facets of things, that I think, write, and sometimes, should dispose of in a different manner, comes out as me, throwing a Pre-Madonna fit.

Go ahead, make your assumptions.

But in the words of Glenn Rogers,
"When you assume, you make an ass, out of you, and me."
(First heard @ Maury Middle School)

I changed. Drastically.
I was hurled into a world of football, and not finishing Thank You notes quick enough.
(From wedding gifts.)

It's ok. I didn't want Thomas to change. I took everything he was, and decided I loved everything about him.
(re-read that, I have time)

I loved everything, about him. Even the things, that we didn't have in common.
I tried to understand.
We tried together, for the most part.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am living this great, romantic tragedy.
(so, my personality)

My point? I never expected Thomas to change.
(again, read carefully)

I never "expected him to change."
That was my bad.
Of course, the man would change.

25 years from now, your partner should be different.
Not only physically, but in those shades of grey, too.
Your core values,our true makeup, should never, ever, stray off the path.
(but)
We absorb new attitudes, with the winds of life.


Our outlooks, should turn into winged birds of paradise.


You don't wake up every day, and love peanut butter.
No, some days, you decide, squash would be great.
And, your partner, shouldn't be surprised.

You, my baby, change everyday, and to kid yourself, and not believe that, isn't reality.
To be so silly to even mouth the words, you cant accept others without
believing the FACT is!, we are, always morphing into more complicated creatures.

We, as humans, should be evolving, constantly.


Put your bible down, I am not here to corrupt your children, and you know I don't believe in the theory of evolution.
(but, you should read about the Galapagos Islands, and go with me one of these days.)
(My ultimate fantasy)

Get your hands out of my pie of theories too.
You don't know where they have been.

I am different for a reason.
For the storm of the century,
for the pains of patience,
for the utter reason for my living.

To learn.

I don't know why I don't have a child.
I don't know why, I cant have a partner right now.

I think it's ok, though.
(even though, I tear up)


We face choices.
We have a choice to either,
count our blessings, but still get upset when the chips fall,
or, be as sour as 24 day old milk.
Go ahead, take a whiff.


I can see clearly, that you may be repulsed by the chaos,
or utterly fascinated with this world.
With, my perspective, which, like snowflakes, no 2 are alike.


My new prayer?

Please send me my own Vince Vaughn.


I am closing now, because I fear I am on the cusp of sounding like a drunken sorority girl.

Trunk fixed.

Now what?

In your head, baby.

My claim to fame. Award Show?
Held right here, imagine me, under a spotlight.
(I don't like, livin' under your spotlight) (Jennifer Hudson) (R&B)


Today's show will, include massive snippets of things I have written, on napkins, journals, matchbooks, slips of paper, floating in my purse.

Show me what a man hates, and I will show you what he is.


I wonder what you would think, if you could see me in the morning.


I have experience in marriage, and singledom. (see, resume)
Married life represents single life at times.
When life happens. When we get too busy. When world's collide.
There are times, you will still eat over the sink, go to bed alone.
Be lonely.



If I receive any more pity eyes, I will throw my dress over my head. (Sunday, morning)


The last thing I want to do, is offend you.


My favorite? Carmine Giovinazzo. (TV)


Do know the triplets?
Woulda,
Shoulda,
Coulda?


All they wanna do is talk. I'm froze.
Cold.Cold. Cold. (Rolling Stones)


I had thoughts about Rhett Butler - Plenty of Gone With The Wind moments, could be the backdrop to my existence. (Or Beetlejuice, ghost scenes.)


(This, is a biggie.) (Untold Fortunes.)


What could I feel?
Is the electricity in our brains,
Working together,
Colliding.

Realizing, when,
My heart beats fast,
That is, the moment,
We are thinking of each other?


But can't tell.

Our communication is different.
Almost, unforgiven.
Forbidden.


Women, think with their stupid heads and hearts,
Boys, think with their penis.
(Ladies, are just as driven my their vagina's also, honey bear.)



I wonder what it is like to be inside, that head?
The above, also, had been written in purple marker.



Taste blood.
Sex.
Why?
Sugar!!!



Long quip -



I try very hard, not to be discouraged. Or felt discounted.
These occasions, turn into voids.
Of flushing those emotions, down the toilet.
Not paying attention to the triggers, refusing to face it.


Pissed, as if I am baking the same pie, over, and over.


Groundhog Day wouldn't be so bad, at least Bill Murray, had some element of control.


When I allow the dam to break, this is the result of the murky water.
If you show me what you're made of, it's surprising.



Caught in rainstorms.
Lives of other's seem so wonderful.
Not every dimension, but if only, I could copy, and paste.



MAN, I AM THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!



I'd rather be ice picking.
Sometimes, sweet Paula,
your discouragement, isn't real.


Sometimes, the waning of your attitude, it comes out forced.
Because, my bird, you are, optimistic, and it rings true, even in the darkest hour.


Too hard on yourself.
Too lax on others and their behaviors.
When I should hold others as accountable as I hold myself.


It's not fair, to you.
I have the chance to be better, and I am.



Dear Reader,



I hope this isn't too heavy. To see inside, the living room of myself. An intimate invite, of what I may be writing down sitting next to you in the car, or at dinner, or in your home. You are a part of my story, as much as I am a part of yours. I try not to forget feelings, emotions, pure memories.



Back to the task at hand.



I like to think of him as a soldier at war. (think Cold Mountain)
Waiting to come home.
Counting down the days.
Keeping my picture in his breast pocket.



My adventures in tow with Sue last weekend, I began to think, about tattoos. We can all have a fantasy self, right?
I would have an anchor, with gold rope down my side, and Sue, unknowingly added this to my fantasy self also, sparrows, on my chest. Elaborate Letter P, somewhere. Sparrows, have always been on the agenda, but the suggestion, of them being placed there, made me light up!



Side note - must flea market this weekend. Buy old suitcase if it's there....






Cunnilingus. Word first coined (and understood)by Charles Cross, whispered outside his house, referencing, the thing, he was most skilled at.



Cunnilingus, is the act of using the mouth, lips, and tongue to stimulate the female genitals. Derived from, a "vulgar" (Wikipedia's description, not mine) Latin word for the vulva,
(cunnis = C U Next Tuesday) (cunnis, theirs, the latter? Mine. (Heard at some point in my career at JCHS!) and the Latin word for tongue (lingua), the term literally means "cunt-tongue."
A person, who performs cunnilingus may be referred to as a "cunnilinguist".



I, am about to piss my pants, from laughter, as I read this.



Wikipedia, continues, the article informs me, that the clitoris is the most "sexually sensitive part" of the body for most women but may be "too sensitive" to pleasantly stimulate directly(read carefully, boys) at times, (amen) especially in early stages of arousal. (This is true, and confirmed, according to Ed Milner, with whom I had a deep, long conversation, about my reactions to his "please, please me" courses/trips of carnal pleasures on the good ship Paula during our late 1998-2004ish realationship.)(Monday, June 15th.)(During lunch break)
(Scissor legs)

So and so had stated in said Wikipedia article, that most women achieve orgasm easily through clitoral stimulation. (Ask your mom, too, she's a woman.) (Do NOT ask after church during lunch.)

I am absolutely fascinated by the description of this beautiful act, that can be performed, most anywhere. Couch, floor, car, outside, picnic table, basketball court,( these are mere suggestions.)
(I am a good Samaritan, on this road of life) (APW)

Said Lady, should be willing to be sans panties, or willing to pull them at least to her knees, (makes it ten times hotter, and ultimately, more satisfying.) (Or, pull panties, over.)

Don't look at me like that. Observation. That's it.

More descriptions? Or, "How-to's?"

Can't right this second, I'm exhausted.

Your trunk, or mine?

Well, my trunk is broken. It's true. I have calmed down.
I am the storm that starts in the middle of the ocean, and reigns terror, on the fishermen, a la The Perfect Storm.
(P.S., I have referenced this movie on other occasions to give an example of my temper.)
Funny story, mornin' glory, I can reserve my anger for significant hurts, it's the little things, that light my fuse.



Listen, I am pretty much a coyly (ever met english, PLN?) disguised firecracker.
I would sign my name and take THAT check to the bank.



Ask, Angie, or Sue, and half of Jefferson City, Carson-Newman, would love to press charges.



I am cussing. Not quietly either. I am H-O-T. Blazin'. The fires in California?? Silly.

Just blow Santa Anna winds. I, am so unglued, that tears, don't dare show up.

They dry up, in the corners of my eyes, and decide to roll back into my head.



I pull into Mama's driveway, and try to explain the assery that is taking place,
she took one look, and said, calm down, we'll get it figured out.



I inherited the crazy temper trait from guess who? Vicky Clause. (Duck, if she gives you the Vicky Clause eyes.) (Angie has been in years of training to accomplish the mimic.)



Mama, (A.K.A Vicky Clause) sat me on the porch, and said, listen, I want you to try and tell me whats going on. Calmly. (Like a pot on the stove, honey, boilin')



Just as I open my mouth, she said, "And not like a hell-bent cat either."



I sigh.



I start. I cant get all my little words together. She stares at me.



Did my head pop off?



My Honda and I have a stand off in the middle Piedmont. I take the stupid seat down, (still wet from Tiger vomit), and wriggle into the trunk, I attempt, (weakly) to pull the emergency hatch.



Well, well, well. Broken screws.



Good. Good.



I crawl out of the trunk through the seat, and Mama looks scared.



She asks, is it ok, sweetheart? (Pullin' out the big guns, eh? Sweetheart?)



I do not purr like a kitten, I may have scared Vicky Clause. (May have)

I stare at her, and say, no.



I hold out my little hand, with the little screws.



She cocked her head to the side, "Did those come from your trunk?"



Yep.



"Daddy will be out of church soon, so, I can have him call you." (yes, Daddy's girl)



O.k.



This is not where it ended.



I squall between texts, and phone call between Sue, Angie, and Bryan.



God bless, Bryan, trying to make a joke, said,

"Do you know what you need?"



What? (sniffle)



" A man."



He laughs like a hyena, and it makes me cry harder.



I tell him, all I need is, is help.



He offers.



I accept.



I squall harder, before going into the grocery store, because,

I feel the weight of the world is on me.



I am so small.



but so great, at the same time.



The lyrics in my head?



And before me dig out a bitch I have ta find a contraceptive,

You never know she could be earnin' her man,

And learnin' her man, and at the same time, burnin' her man



Here is the big question.



Accept help when someone could hold something over your head?

Dig into the paranoia?



I don't know.



As small as it is, I will not feel better until the whole thing is resolved.

As unplanned, and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants nature,

Why stress over this tiny thing?



That can be fixed? And will be taken care of?



Fuckin' bananas.



I guess, that's why you all keep up with me. And care for me.


That's cool. I dig it. I need it.


P.S. You have never, ever, ever, seen such a happy little dog. Champ and I slept nose to nose.
The way God commanded it to be. :) My boy is home. In the air conditioning.

Trashday?

Forget everything you know about me, and try to paint a new picture.
Impossible right?
Its completely asinine to think of me as anything else other than me, right?

Today, this week, the past 2 weeks, I have started to see myself in a different light.
I'm not really sure why.

Things are going to change, I can feel it. (Beck, Loser)

If you can't stand the heat

Get out of my juice box. Well, that sounded bad.
That.
Sounded a little Led Zepplinish.
My mood is like a tipsy housewife today.
Running around in her little heels, straighting out her apron.
What's that? How did I get in your head? It was unlocked.
Oh, the housewife thing?
Yeah, really describing myself, teetering, to get to the top bookshelf.
I need to dust.

Couldn't you just fist fight me in the rain?
I'm just that fucking precious today. (not rubber sex doll face)
I'm stuck in the era I was meant to live in.
(we could argue, that the 70's could have been my prime time, but, cocaine is so dated.)
My name? So 50's.
My mood? Intercontinental.
(era? 40's-50's.) (post World War 2)

My hair today, is very Jackie-Oish. With some beautiful Audrey Hepburn earrings.

No photos, please. (in the shell today, pinch your nose, refusing to come out.)

I pulled up my stockings and snapped them to my garter belt. Elastic, a little loose, which, I'm relieved. It flatters the legs.
Slip on. Slip on, over my head.

I like the way a woman had to dress in that time. Glamorous everyday. I believe most women, enjoy getting all dolled up. I believe, all women, want to look incredible. I also believe, we have tailored ourselves to look like big sweat socks, too.


Oh, now honey, I am just as guilty. I should look ravishing everyday.

Do I ?

uh uh.

Back to the layer cake. Granted, the lingerie, wasn't as cute, for me. In my humble little gal opinion. I like little panties, get out of here, granny panties. Anything high waisted. (snarl)

I know, though, if the high waisted panties, and girdles, and cone shaped brassieres were it, you guessed it...... I would have rocked it.

The whole, showing a little, and taking it away? HOT. Jeez.



Let me fetch your slippers sweetheart.
Hmm?
I would love to light your pipe, dear.
I may be in the middle of a summer drought. (Ha!)
Apparently, I am skipping down the road of sexual innuendo's, and not really giving a fuck.



Yes, dear, dinner is on the table.



Excuse me? Why am I propped up here? Skirt past my thighs?
I thought it was dinner time.
Hungry for something else?
Well, I might call you, how you say, gay?, to my girlfriend's from now on.


Let's see. That wouldn't happen in a million years, now, would it?
(chin propped)


You wouldn't turn a lady down.... now would you Mr. Wolf?


Not a hair out of place, lipstick in order, let me freshen your martini, darlin'.....
You look parched!
My nails? Painted red, of course.
Is this not how you pictured it?



Crawling on the floor, as ladylike as possible.
Come on now, you know how to treat a girl, right?
Like the most priceless item in the store, baby.
Like you cant afford her.
The most amazing piece of glass ever crafted,
an oil painting so meticulous, or a cherry classic car.......



Crinoline everywhere.Meringue.



mmm mm.



Get out of the kitchen.....