Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
The Howling
This is twice. I have had the very same thought. A very strong thought. Something, I couldn't imagine saying. The first time, it was a full moon cycle also. The first time, was in a cemetery.
The first time, again, was with Sue. This thought, came out today as we pulled into Arbys.....
A thought, that just popped out of my mouth, without thinking about it before saying it.
Ready?
It will feel like jumping into a stream in the mountains. Think, early May.
Skin,red. Shivering.Blue lips.
1, 2, 3.......
I think I will meet my husband soon.
I know what you're thinking. How, Paula, could you formulate such equations with the fact, you do not want to unlock your emotions for another person? Something like falling in love with another man, would be such sacrifice, that would be like opening the gilded cage so to speak.
As funny as it is, to me..... how pretty of a thought. How random of a moment.
How unbelievably overwhelming.
Nothing but.... happiness.
What if that means.... my heart isn't as cold as I secretly fear?
What if, the future Mr. Paula Northern, is on the other side of the door?
Holding his breath, just as I do? How captivating of a thought.
What an amazing apparition of What WILL be.
Listen, I am drunk on Love. It's true. I realize, more and more, in this storm the fact is, people really care for me. In a Christlike manner even. I have friends who are opening up their homes, children, spouses, lives for me. A capacity to give me, selfless Love. How breathtaking.
The validation, I have been given. Prepares me. For more.
I discover, my very best friends worry about me meeting someone new. A valid reason to worry. They worry, as I have discovered through last night, and today..... You all really wonder about me meeting someone. That's valid.
Of course, I cant guarantee the fact, that when, I do.... meet someone, um, appropriate for me to get a long with.....
A person to explore the other realm of my life, as a woman who is a set in a pair...
Is daunting.
Monopolize the other time line, I try carefully, (believe it or not....), to not think about presently.
Because, when things come around, or shake the snow globe of present life.
We will all get a little bit scared. I'm just the rabbit chasing time.....
It just has to happen.
But, it cant just be some shmoe off the street. It cant be just"anybody." Right?
I mean, you are not puttering around your home, teetering in your marabou trimmed
high-heel night-night slippers, and hating every minute of it?
Are you? Consider counseling, if you do feel this way.
************************DISCLAIMER!!!!*****************************************
I cannot, will not, be with a person who isn't creative. I would be one of those "Walking fish" you find out in Texas and Mexico...... except, this mermaid would be fluttering said eyelashes, and working her way out of said "invisible rope."
I need an outlet. Plain and simple. I wish, I had disposable income, and a set outline, of what my life is to be..... Travel, art, concept of beauty in the ordinary.
I will need someone to appreciate my method of madness.... and not a fucking pat on the behind.
I want to be in the middle of an English cottage, serving tea, preparing tarts.
I want Tyler Fucking Durden, but with an element of manners.
I don't want to be 40 years old, and have my first child. I don't. That's 11 years.
Think about where you were 11 years ago. Exactly. Nothing like today.
I don't want to continue dreaming. I want to LIVE the dream.
Not the dream I had Monday night. Which was, terrifying. Emotional. All at the same time comforting. I was dreaming pleasant, normal,beautiful things I like to do. Adventuring with Terry. But, in this dream, I had a baby. (This isn't fucking baby fever here, so do me a favor, and stop the judgement.) It was my baby. Yet, we were adventuring just the same. Climbing on rocks. Going into forbidden places. For the sake of Adventure. Life experience.
We were in this place, covered in kudzu. Going up these steps. (We were at the shore) At the top of the steps, there was a man. With a gun.
And, he shot my baby.
Then, he shot me.
Terry seemed to be nowhere and right there with me.
I clutched my child. Bawling, screaming, kicking. Dying.
The comfort, wouldn't ever be caught again.
But, you know what? All of my friends seemed to be right there. All at once.
We were on these cliffs.
No matter what you said, I was inconsolable. It didn't even faze me, that I had a huge bullet hole in the center of my body. I was in pieces.
(All the King's horse's and all the King's men, couldn't put Miss Paula back together again.)
My friends and family were a quilt. That covered me.
It didn't heal me. It didn't change the fact, my child, was dead. It didn't remove any bullet holes from my frame....
But, it did seem like time had passed.
And we were off the cliff.
Time apparently had passed. Further into my dream, Sue and I are driving on a road. We pass Victorian 2 story homes, with swings coming from the trunks of huge trees. We passed streams.
We went over bridges. We passed a parade. We drove by storefronts long abandoned.
Then. We were there.
We were back at the place covered in kudzu. By the shore. Looking up the steps.
We were back at the point of misery, broken heartedness, and dreams lost.
And she told me I had to face it.
Then I woke up.
This dream, further facilitates that I am a downright fucking genius. A genius can recognize her own weakness. She can trace down, and face what drives her, and demands her attention.
I am Mother' s Little Helper, dear.
She is love, love , love, love, love..................
And that is all this girl needs.
The first time, again, was with Sue. This thought, came out today as we pulled into Arbys.....
A thought, that just popped out of my mouth, without thinking about it before saying it.
Ready?
It will feel like jumping into a stream in the mountains. Think, early May.
Skin,red. Shivering.Blue lips.
1, 2, 3.......
I think I will meet my husband soon.
I know what you're thinking. How, Paula, could you formulate such equations with the fact, you do not want to unlock your emotions for another person? Something like falling in love with another man, would be such sacrifice, that would be like opening the gilded cage so to speak.
As funny as it is, to me..... how pretty of a thought. How random of a moment.
How unbelievably overwhelming.
Nothing but.... happiness.
What if that means.... my heart isn't as cold as I secretly fear?
What if, the future Mr. Paula Northern, is on the other side of the door?
Holding his breath, just as I do? How captivating of a thought.
What an amazing apparition of What WILL be.
Listen, I am drunk on Love. It's true. I realize, more and more, in this storm the fact is, people really care for me. In a Christlike manner even. I have friends who are opening up their homes, children, spouses, lives for me. A capacity to give me, selfless Love. How breathtaking.
The validation, I have been given. Prepares me. For more.
I discover, my very best friends worry about me meeting someone new. A valid reason to worry. They worry, as I have discovered through last night, and today..... You all really wonder about me meeting someone. That's valid.
Of course, I cant guarantee the fact, that when, I do.... meet someone, um, appropriate for me to get a long with.....
A person to explore the other realm of my life, as a woman who is a set in a pair...
Is daunting.
Monopolize the other time line, I try carefully, (believe it or not....), to not think about presently.
Because, when things come around, or shake the snow globe of present life.
We will all get a little bit scared. I'm just the rabbit chasing time.....
It just has to happen.
But, it cant just be some shmoe off the street. It cant be just"anybody." Right?
I mean, you are not puttering around your home, teetering in your marabou trimmed
high-heel night-night slippers, and hating every minute of it?
Are you? Consider counseling, if you do feel this way.
************************DISCLAIMER!!!!*****************************************
I cannot, will not, be with a person who isn't creative. I would be one of those "Walking fish" you find out in Texas and Mexico...... except, this mermaid would be fluttering said eyelashes, and working her way out of said "invisible rope."
I need an outlet. Plain and simple. I wish, I had disposable income, and a set outline, of what my life is to be..... Travel, art, concept of beauty in the ordinary.
I will need someone to appreciate my method of madness.... and not a fucking pat on the behind.
I want to be in the middle of an English cottage, serving tea, preparing tarts.
I want Tyler Fucking Durden, but with an element of manners.
I don't want to be 40 years old, and have my first child. I don't. That's 11 years.
Think about where you were 11 years ago. Exactly. Nothing like today.
I don't want to continue dreaming. I want to LIVE the dream.
Not the dream I had Monday night. Which was, terrifying. Emotional. All at the same time comforting. I was dreaming pleasant, normal,beautiful things I like to do. Adventuring with Terry. But, in this dream, I had a baby. (This isn't fucking baby fever here, so do me a favor, and stop the judgement.) It was my baby. Yet, we were adventuring just the same. Climbing on rocks. Going into forbidden places. For the sake of Adventure. Life experience.
We were in this place, covered in kudzu. Going up these steps. (We were at the shore) At the top of the steps, there was a man. With a gun.
And, he shot my baby.
Then, he shot me.
Terry seemed to be nowhere and right there with me.
I clutched my child. Bawling, screaming, kicking. Dying.
The comfort, wouldn't ever be caught again.
But, you know what? All of my friends seemed to be right there. All at once.
We were on these cliffs.
No matter what you said, I was inconsolable. It didn't even faze me, that I had a huge bullet hole in the center of my body. I was in pieces.
(All the King's horse's and all the King's men, couldn't put Miss Paula back together again.)
My friends and family were a quilt. That covered me.
It didn't heal me. It didn't change the fact, my child, was dead. It didn't remove any bullet holes from my frame....
But, it did seem like time had passed.
And we were off the cliff.
Time apparently had passed. Further into my dream, Sue and I are driving on a road. We pass Victorian 2 story homes, with swings coming from the trunks of huge trees. We passed streams.
We went over bridges. We passed a parade. We drove by storefronts long abandoned.
Then. We were there.
We were back at the place covered in kudzu. By the shore. Looking up the steps.
We were back at the point of misery, broken heartedness, and dreams lost.
And she told me I had to face it.
Then I woke up.
This dream, further facilitates that I am a downright fucking genius. A genius can recognize her own weakness. She can trace down, and face what drives her, and demands her attention.
I am Mother' s Little Helper, dear.
She is love, love , love, love, love..................
And that is all this girl needs.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Guns Blazin'
That's the theme, baby. I am like a race horse, comin' out of the gate. You may have to step back, 'cause I might knock you over...... like a rock n' roller.....
I will admit, things started out pretty hairy this morning. We got up at 6, the boys lazed in the bed. I made breakfast, fed the boys, fed my Lady Bird. I fed the 2 stepbrothers too..... filled up all the water bowls and started working on myself.
I poured my coffee and flipped through a book or 10, listen to Hank Williams, plotted my day.
Do you know if the landfill takes old mowers? I have one to take, somewhere. And a weed eater. Both broken. An old tv stand too. Shit, that is just cluttering things up.
Updates? The farm? Looking spectacular. Bryan started bush hogging, and it looks great. I am pleased with how it looks. Monday morning, I really need to spray poison around the barn. Before work. It will be worth it. I need to try to prepare as much as possible. I hauled off the mountain of brush, Wednesday night. We had some trees cut, I hauled everything I couldn't move on my own. Terry and I worked on the smokehouse some. Patchin' holes. Will paint the plywood when it's done.
Terry bought me a gift! A book! A pin-up girl book! I love it!
Terry said he would work on the smokehouse while I am gone. And, maybe weed eat.
Do you see, how much I need you all?
Priceless moment, Tuesday. Bryan and I were discussing what needed to be done. And, I told him, I wasn't exaggerating!!! (This, helped me quite a bit, to feel acknowledged it also equaled feelings of empowerment.) Raging vomiting Tuesday, too. Half anxiety, half ulcer?
I believe, he couldn't believe his eyes, now in the thick of things.
It's so much work.
I am very thankful for his help. I am thankful for every one's help. Jamey and Rachel have some posts for me to build new fence. Yay!!! All the way around, it looks as if things are full circle. Trying, everyday. I have to know, things are better.
My weekend? Has plans of nothing but fun, and relaxation. I am cutting hair!
Ash and George so far, and anyone else who can sit still long enough.
Got it, Josh? (insert big grin, here.) I hope for nothing but tomfoolery, and juggling children all weekend. I can't wait. I am hoping for big balloons, lots of coffee consumption, trampoline talks, whiskey moods, Goodwill stores, shenanigans...... take your vitamins......
I was able to see a glimpse of Angie and Abby Wednesday. It never is long enough to spend time with those girls. (I mean it Angie, take it easy!)
I love you girls!
I think, we can get there together......
I am learning so much as of late. For one, Never, ever, ever, put yourself in a compromising position. Always have a means of escape, and always do the right thing. Even, when it doesn't make sense, or you just don't want to. I know, the sin tastes so sweet, but I promise, the reward, will taste even better. My flesh? Usually wins over the pure brawn of things, and I will continue to try not fall for the folly. (Read Psalms)
I will choose wisdom, over being right. I will be the bigger person, even when they want to be the giant. I will not fail. I will keep running. I will keep eating right.
I WILL NOT EAT JUNK FOOD!!!!!
See, at this time, if you caught me out, and I saw a cage with chilli cheese fries in it....
it would be the only way to catch me.
What I mean by that, is I am blur.
Moving faster than speed, light, and ultimately time.
The essence of who I am, is coming out in such bright colors, and sounds, the special equipment couldn't be bought, it has to envelope you, and you, have to be willing to accept it.
A clip from my horoscope? "stick with artistic stuff to give you an outlet, and don't hesitate to give yourself plenty of opportunity to exit."
Pure fucking genius.(Read The Wall Street Journal, for guidance, and inspiration.)
This isn't a "Let go, and let Gawd" thing. It's a "Hey mister! I have been workin' hard for the man, and I need a smoke." Or drink. Or both. Just leave me on this rock to sun my belly, I swear, it's gonna help me. Therapy is expensive, church, in whatever form of worship you need, is free. (Not just a hat rack, my friend!)
I cant turn my back on what I need to do, either, but, a Paula without any play is a dull Paula.
Or however that phrase goes........
I love this side of me, when the puzzle pieces start coming together. I don't feel so frustrated.
Or stagnant. I feel useful. I feel, good. More winds, more storms will come. I will continue to pray for comfort. I also saw The Future Mr. Paula Northern today. He was a farmin' skateboarder.....
Wonder if he were a Christian? I'm just sayin'.... that combination would make me explode.
The ultimate Scooby Snack.
How did I know he was a skatin' farmer? His jeep had 1. A Pluto Sports sticker on it. 2. A sticker that said "No farms, No food." 3. I saw him get out of said jeep with said stickers.... too bad I was too chicken to say anything.... or notice if he had a ring on...... damn it.
He had little glasses on too..... I know, you cant judge a book by its cover.....
A girl can dream, right?
BTW, I am a seasoned boxer dog spotter. I can see them from a country mile. There are 2 who live on my road, about 2 houses down, and they live in a pen. I want to sneak down there and break them out. I would bring them to my house and love them. I would blow zuberts on them.
I have spotted 4 today. (Not including, Mr. Magnificent, Champ)
Galileo.
Da Vinci.
William Shakespeare.
Martin Luther.
John the Baptist.
They are the strange ones who challenged society with a different way of thinking. They were rebels and heretics of their day. But, Jesus WAS the non-conformist of all time.
That's one of the reasons I love Jesus so much. Such a brave man he was, when he walked the earth. What a forgiving Savior we can run to when it just doesn't add up. As you know, I pray.
Very hard. I have lists. Crumpled, torn prayer list. With names upon names, need upon need.
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44
For me, living is for Christ,
and dying is even better. ----- Paul the Apostle. Beheaded in Rome, 65 A.D.
Remember the Lord's people who are in jail and be concerned for them. Don't forget who are suffering, but imagine that you are there with them. Hebrews 13:3
You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. ------ C.S. Lewis
You all are constantly in my thoughts.
I will admit, things started out pretty hairy this morning. We got up at 6, the boys lazed in the bed. I made breakfast, fed the boys, fed my Lady Bird. I fed the 2 stepbrothers too..... filled up all the water bowls and started working on myself.
I poured my coffee and flipped through a book or 10, listen to Hank Williams, plotted my day.
Do you know if the landfill takes old mowers? I have one to take, somewhere. And a weed eater. Both broken. An old tv stand too. Shit, that is just cluttering things up.
Updates? The farm? Looking spectacular. Bryan started bush hogging, and it looks great. I am pleased with how it looks. Monday morning, I really need to spray poison around the barn. Before work. It will be worth it. I need to try to prepare as much as possible. I hauled off the mountain of brush, Wednesday night. We had some trees cut, I hauled everything I couldn't move on my own. Terry and I worked on the smokehouse some. Patchin' holes. Will paint the plywood when it's done.
Terry bought me a gift! A book! A pin-up girl book! I love it!
Terry said he would work on the smokehouse while I am gone. And, maybe weed eat.
Do you see, how much I need you all?
Priceless moment, Tuesday. Bryan and I were discussing what needed to be done. And, I told him, I wasn't exaggerating!!! (This, helped me quite a bit, to feel acknowledged it also equaled feelings of empowerment.) Raging vomiting Tuesday, too. Half anxiety, half ulcer?
I believe, he couldn't believe his eyes, now in the thick of things.
It's so much work.
I am very thankful for his help. I am thankful for every one's help. Jamey and Rachel have some posts for me to build new fence. Yay!!! All the way around, it looks as if things are full circle. Trying, everyday. I have to know, things are better.
My weekend? Has plans of nothing but fun, and relaxation. I am cutting hair!
Ash and George so far, and anyone else who can sit still long enough.
Got it, Josh? (insert big grin, here.) I hope for nothing but tomfoolery, and juggling children all weekend. I can't wait. I am hoping for big balloons, lots of coffee consumption, trampoline talks, whiskey moods, Goodwill stores, shenanigans...... take your vitamins......
I was able to see a glimpse of Angie and Abby Wednesday. It never is long enough to spend time with those girls. (I mean it Angie, take it easy!)
I love you girls!
I think, we can get there together......
I am learning so much as of late. For one, Never, ever, ever, put yourself in a compromising position. Always have a means of escape, and always do the right thing. Even, when it doesn't make sense, or you just don't want to. I know, the sin tastes so sweet, but I promise, the reward, will taste even better. My flesh? Usually wins over the pure brawn of things, and I will continue to try not fall for the folly. (Read Psalms)
I will choose wisdom, over being right. I will be the bigger person, even when they want to be the giant. I will not fail. I will keep running. I will keep eating right.
I WILL NOT EAT JUNK FOOD!!!!!
See, at this time, if you caught me out, and I saw a cage with chilli cheese fries in it....
it would be the only way to catch me.
What I mean by that, is I am blur.
Moving faster than speed, light, and ultimately time.
The essence of who I am, is coming out in such bright colors, and sounds, the special equipment couldn't be bought, it has to envelope you, and you, have to be willing to accept it.
A clip from my horoscope? "stick with artistic stuff to give you an outlet, and don't hesitate to give yourself plenty of opportunity to exit."
Pure fucking genius.(Read The Wall Street Journal, for guidance, and inspiration.)
This isn't a "Let go, and let Gawd" thing. It's a "Hey mister! I have been workin' hard for the man, and I need a smoke." Or drink. Or both. Just leave me on this rock to sun my belly, I swear, it's gonna help me. Therapy is expensive, church, in whatever form of worship you need, is free. (Not just a hat rack, my friend!)
I cant turn my back on what I need to do, either, but, a Paula without any play is a dull Paula.
Or however that phrase goes........
I love this side of me, when the puzzle pieces start coming together. I don't feel so frustrated.
Or stagnant. I feel useful. I feel, good. More winds, more storms will come. I will continue to pray for comfort. I also saw The Future Mr. Paula Northern today. He was a farmin' skateboarder.....
Wonder if he were a Christian? I'm just sayin'.... that combination would make me explode.
The ultimate Scooby Snack.
How did I know he was a skatin' farmer? His jeep had 1. A Pluto Sports sticker on it. 2. A sticker that said "No farms, No food." 3. I saw him get out of said jeep with said stickers.... too bad I was too chicken to say anything.... or notice if he had a ring on...... damn it.
He had little glasses on too..... I know, you cant judge a book by its cover.....
A girl can dream, right?
BTW, I am a seasoned boxer dog spotter. I can see them from a country mile. There are 2 who live on my road, about 2 houses down, and they live in a pen. I want to sneak down there and break them out. I would bring them to my house and love them. I would blow zuberts on them.
I have spotted 4 today. (Not including, Mr. Magnificent, Champ)
Galileo.
Da Vinci.
William Shakespeare.
Martin Luther.
John the Baptist.
They are the strange ones who challenged society with a different way of thinking. They were rebels and heretics of their day. But, Jesus WAS the non-conformist of all time.
That's one of the reasons I love Jesus so much. Such a brave man he was, when he walked the earth. What a forgiving Savior we can run to when it just doesn't add up. As you know, I pray.
Very hard. I have lists. Crumpled, torn prayer list. With names upon names, need upon need.
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44
For me, living is for Christ,
and dying is even better. ----- Paul the Apostle. Beheaded in Rome, 65 A.D.
Remember the Lord's people who are in jail and be concerned for them. Don't forget who are suffering, but imagine that you are there with them. Hebrews 13:3
You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. ------ C.S. Lewis
You all are constantly in my thoughts.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Things I Love
1. Jesus.
2. Mama and Daddy.
3. Myself.
4. The 3 Pigs and the 2 Stepbrothers.
5. You.
6. Adventures.
7. Creativity.
8. Sleeping with my mouth open.
9. Snuggling.
10. The Farm.
11. Old records.
12. Anything old and antiquey.
13. Knee socks.
14. Feeling good.
15. The Beastie Boys.
16. Figuring things out on my own.
17. Writing.
18. Picking up snakes by the tail.
19. Swinging on the barn gate.
20. Raising hell.
21. Drinking too much Jack Daniels on the rocks, dash of water, or a beautiful glass of Pinot Noir.
22. Anything I can redo. (i.e. pie saver, we swiped outta the smokehouse.)
23. Full Moons
24. Spending time.
25. Maintaining my mental health.
26. PIN-UP STUFF. (clothes, pics, books, vintage hairstyles.... ect.... ect...)
27. Fake eyelashes.
28. My chucks.
29. My freckles.
30. Looking for ghosts.
31. Loving others.
32. Feeling appreciated.
33. Any animal alive.
34. Trees.
35. Sugar.
36. Babies.
37. Dreams.
38. Fulfilled promises.
39. My birthday.
40. Cupcakes.
This, doesn't even touch the scope, but, it's entertaining!!!
2. Mama and Daddy.
3. Myself.
4. The 3 Pigs and the 2 Stepbrothers.
5. You.
6. Adventures.
7. Creativity.
8. Sleeping with my mouth open.
9. Snuggling.
10. The Farm.
11. Old records.
12. Anything old and antiquey.
13. Knee socks.
14. Feeling good.
15. The Beastie Boys.
16. Figuring things out on my own.
17. Writing.
18. Picking up snakes by the tail.
19. Swinging on the barn gate.
20. Raising hell.
21. Drinking too much Jack Daniels on the rocks, dash of water, or a beautiful glass of Pinot Noir.
22. Anything I can redo. (i.e. pie saver, we swiped outta the smokehouse.)
23. Full Moons
24. Spending time.
25. Maintaining my mental health.
26. PIN-UP STUFF. (clothes, pics, books, vintage hairstyles.... ect.... ect...)
27. Fake eyelashes.
28. My chucks.
29. My freckles.
30. Looking for ghosts.
31. Loving others.
32. Feeling appreciated.
33. Any animal alive.
34. Trees.
35. Sugar.
36. Babies.
37. Dreams.
38. Fulfilled promises.
39. My birthday.
40. Cupcakes.
This, doesn't even touch the scope, but, it's entertaining!!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
She Speaks!
All this time, I have been complaining God isn't speaking to me, or doing anything for me. Well, I heard a clip of a sermon the other day about how I (we) may not be able to go to the next step because, I (we) are not fulfilling God's present will in our lives right now!!! I feel like a big dummy. It's the truth, at least for me. What is my focus? The farm, (obsessed) my family, self, and dogs.
The big reason, I do not have a significant other, well, God did come out of the heavens today, and He spoke directly to me. I already have too much too handle. I already am playing in "the big game." So to speak.
I am, Dennis the Menace, "Sure ain't nothin' to do when its rainin' out." (Thank you, Mr. Wise.)
Who knows? The fall is nippin' at my heels. The yellow jackets and wasps are in full force.
I am, getting things done.
At least I try........
The big reason, I do not have a significant other, well, God did come out of the heavens today, and He spoke directly to me. I already have too much too handle. I already am playing in "the big game." So to speak.
I am, Dennis the Menace, "Sure ain't nothin' to do when its rainin' out." (Thank you, Mr. Wise.)
Who knows? The fall is nippin' at my heels. The yellow jackets and wasps are in full force.
I am, getting things done.
At least I try........
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Depression Verses Feeling Blue
I don't know, if I really know the difference. I can say, I am aggravated at a website right now. Huh? How can a website provoke such emotion? Well, it can. This said website promotes, more loneliness than promise that I could have ever conjured up in my on mind. And, I'm super creative. Apparently, I am aggravated with a whole slew of things.
Once again, I feel as if I do not bitch about things I can change. Now, I warn you, this blog will not be for the soft hearted today. If you have a cough due to cold, or faint easily, this one isn't for you.....
I am alone. Read that, over, and over. I cannot change this. I cannot force someone to fall in love with me, have feelings for me, or for Christ's Sake's, have them want to spend time with me. I cannot change this.
These are tough words to discuss. I realize this. A hard pill to swallow to the ones who do love me, and want to spend time with me. But, let's face it, you all have families, spouses, or girlfriends, partners... Obla De Obla Da, Life goes on...... Right?
I don't always want to come clean about the fact, I am jealous of probably everyone I know, and again, don't take this the wrong way, some of you claim to be jealous of me. And that hurts my feelings.
I cannot make someone love me. All I can do, is hope I catch someones eye who is strong enough for me. I am determined. I am a powerhouse of emotion and undying devotion. Honestly. I need someone who has the guts to be able to take care of me, and when I get upset, or aggravated, the know what to say, instead of treating me like a small doggie.
I cannot do everything on my own. Paula, reread this, and know it.... You, sweet girl, cannot do everything on your own. I need someone every know and then.
I had to have a tire changed again yesterday. I realized Daddy couldn't take care of it. It made me mad as a hornet. I just want things to change!!!!
Which brings me to my dream.
This morning, I had a dream about Sue and I going on another ghost hunting tour. We lived on the East coast, by the shore, Josh and Sue were married in the dream, no kids though. Anyway, we went on this ghost tour, and there was a ghost that was interactive with me. Threatening in a way, I was afraid in the dream..... we left the tour, got home, and Josh was like, I'm so glad you're home, there has been all kinds of scary things going on.... the ghost followed me everywhere I went. Our house was really neat though.....We decided to take a vacation and go on a cruise, but before we left, we had to go to my house in Tennessee. Sue and I were standing in the yard, and a deer was running to us. The deer contorted into a horse.... I told Sue, that horse is gonna kick you!!!! I got in front of her, and it did. It did kick, but it kicked me. And just as that happened this older man started to fight with me, and told me the farm was his, and to leave. I hit him. Smacked him, and told him this was my farm, and he better leave. Sue was all behind me, like hit him!!! Yeah, this is her farm!!!! And just as quickly as that happened, all 3 of us were on the ship..... before we pushed off, a woman had fallen to her death, and as we all stared at her lifeless body, the ghost picked me up, and threw me overboard. And I died.
In my dream, I could see me laying there. Dead.
It wasn't scary. It kinda gives me hope. If there is death in a dream, it promotes new beginnings.
So here's knowing. Knowing, feels better than hoping. I will however stop taking things at face value. Sometimes, there is hidden meaning in things, just like in my dreams.
Y'all should read Post Secret today. It's a good one.
Once again, I feel as if I do not bitch about things I can change. Now, I warn you, this blog will not be for the soft hearted today. If you have a cough due to cold, or faint easily, this one isn't for you.....
I am alone. Read that, over, and over. I cannot change this. I cannot force someone to fall in love with me, have feelings for me, or for Christ's Sake's, have them want to spend time with me. I cannot change this.
These are tough words to discuss. I realize this. A hard pill to swallow to the ones who do love me, and want to spend time with me. But, let's face it, you all have families, spouses, or girlfriends, partners... Obla De Obla Da, Life goes on...... Right?
I don't always want to come clean about the fact, I am jealous of probably everyone I know, and again, don't take this the wrong way, some of you claim to be jealous of me. And that hurts my feelings.
I cannot make someone love me. All I can do, is hope I catch someones eye who is strong enough for me. I am determined. I am a powerhouse of emotion and undying devotion. Honestly. I need someone who has the guts to be able to take care of me, and when I get upset, or aggravated, the know what to say, instead of treating me like a small doggie.
I cannot do everything on my own. Paula, reread this, and know it.... You, sweet girl, cannot do everything on your own. I need someone every know and then.
I had to have a tire changed again yesterday. I realized Daddy couldn't take care of it. It made me mad as a hornet. I just want things to change!!!!
Which brings me to my dream.
This morning, I had a dream about Sue and I going on another ghost hunting tour. We lived on the East coast, by the shore, Josh and Sue were married in the dream, no kids though. Anyway, we went on this ghost tour, and there was a ghost that was interactive with me. Threatening in a way, I was afraid in the dream..... we left the tour, got home, and Josh was like, I'm so glad you're home, there has been all kinds of scary things going on.... the ghost followed me everywhere I went. Our house was really neat though.....We decided to take a vacation and go on a cruise, but before we left, we had to go to my house in Tennessee. Sue and I were standing in the yard, and a deer was running to us. The deer contorted into a horse.... I told Sue, that horse is gonna kick you!!!! I got in front of her, and it did. It did kick, but it kicked me. And just as that happened this older man started to fight with me, and told me the farm was his, and to leave. I hit him. Smacked him, and told him this was my farm, and he better leave. Sue was all behind me, like hit him!!! Yeah, this is her farm!!!! And just as quickly as that happened, all 3 of us were on the ship..... before we pushed off, a woman had fallen to her death, and as we all stared at her lifeless body, the ghost picked me up, and threw me overboard. And I died.
In my dream, I could see me laying there. Dead.
It wasn't scary. It kinda gives me hope. If there is death in a dream, it promotes new beginnings.
So here's knowing. Knowing, feels better than hoping. I will however stop taking things at face value. Sometimes, there is hidden meaning in things, just like in my dreams.
Y'all should read Post Secret today. It's a good one.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Lou Gehrig, The Luckiest Man On The Face Of The Earth
My friends, this post will be mostly attributed to my Papaw Northern, and some of the reason why I love baseball. Lou Gehrig, had one of the most impressive records in my opinion, in baseball history. An exceptionally strong man, with humble beginnings. I am reminded, to mention, Lou Gehrig, played for The Yankees, a team, I like. Very much. Which will give Josh Nason plenty of ammunition to speculate why I like The Red Sox.... I just do, okay, big boy?
The Red Sox, are underdogs...... I will always root for the underdog....
it's a compassionate sickness, I know.
Self-inflicted, due to my tender heart.
Gehrig, who's wife, and I continue to speculate, if your brother, Mr. Nason, is just as much as a Yankees feller as you are, their child, who, to my knowledge still hasn't arrived.... will be named after, (intentional or unintentional), after Gehrig's wife. Eleanor. Just sayin......
Gehrig, was famous for being very strong. An unbelievable hitter, and to be struck down with illness, at such an early age, a man's life taken over from an illness called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
My Papaw Northern had this illness. There is no rhyme or reason for it. It just takes people. Now, Papaw Northern, built the house I live in. He built the barn I look at every day. He built the outhouse that still stands outside. The smokehouse that is falling apart in the front yard, and farmed tobacco, cattle, and anything that literally moved or could be eaten, or used as medication. Very active. Strong. Determined man. A man, I never met, due to the fact he passed away before Rachel was born, before, I was a thought in my parent's heads. Papaw Northern was a very young man. My Daddy, was fearful, he would not live past his Daddy's age.....
Look at him now, turned into the Bionic Daddy. My Daddy, is so strong. Which my Mama had doubted all this time. Daddy is doing so well, his projected turn around time, will, I know, be astounding. Daddy, will continue to shock and amaze us. Daddy tells ME things he doesn't tell Mama and Rachel. You see, we have an understanding. We have a lot in common with the fact, we have been seen as "underdogs." Proud as a peacock, baby.
Back to Gehrig, something else, Papaw, Daddy, and I share. We appreciate the deck of cards being dealt to us. Graciously accepting reality.
He gave a speech, which he calls himself, "The luckiest man on the face of the earth."
Brave huh? Strong huh?
"Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.
"Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of America's greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I'm lucky.
"When The New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift, - that's something. When everybody form the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies - that's something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter - that's something.
When you have a father and mother who work all their lives so that you can have and education and build your body - it's a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed - that's the finest I know.
"So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for. Thank you."
------- Lou Gehrig at Yankee Stadium, July 4, 1939
So you see, maybe it's you all who should be jealous of the mountains I have to climb, and face on my own, so I can continue my own claim to fame, to join my own "Murderer's Row." (famous baseball line-up) (shut-up, Josh, I know, you that......but not everybody else will....)
I do love you, and I do, mean it!!!!!!
The Red Sox, are underdogs...... I will always root for the underdog....
it's a compassionate sickness, I know.
Self-inflicted, due to my tender heart.
Gehrig, who's wife, and I continue to speculate, if your brother, Mr. Nason, is just as much as a Yankees feller as you are, their child, who, to my knowledge still hasn't arrived.... will be named after, (intentional or unintentional), after Gehrig's wife. Eleanor. Just sayin......
Gehrig, was famous for being very strong. An unbelievable hitter, and to be struck down with illness, at such an early age, a man's life taken over from an illness called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
My Papaw Northern had this illness. There is no rhyme or reason for it. It just takes people. Now, Papaw Northern, built the house I live in. He built the barn I look at every day. He built the outhouse that still stands outside. The smokehouse that is falling apart in the front yard, and farmed tobacco, cattle, and anything that literally moved or could be eaten, or used as medication. Very active. Strong. Determined man. A man, I never met, due to the fact he passed away before Rachel was born, before, I was a thought in my parent's heads. Papaw Northern was a very young man. My Daddy, was fearful, he would not live past his Daddy's age.....
Look at him now, turned into the Bionic Daddy. My Daddy, is so strong. Which my Mama had doubted all this time. Daddy is doing so well, his projected turn around time, will, I know, be astounding. Daddy, will continue to shock and amaze us. Daddy tells ME things he doesn't tell Mama and Rachel. You see, we have an understanding. We have a lot in common with the fact, we have been seen as "underdogs." Proud as a peacock, baby.
Back to Gehrig, something else, Papaw, Daddy, and I share. We appreciate the deck of cards being dealt to us. Graciously accepting reality.
He gave a speech, which he calls himself, "The luckiest man on the face of the earth."
Brave huh? Strong huh?
"Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.
"Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of America's greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I'm lucky.
"When The New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift, - that's something. When everybody form the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies - that's something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter - that's something.
When you have a father and mother who work all their lives so that you can have and education and build your body - it's a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed - that's the finest I know.
"So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for. Thank you."
------- Lou Gehrig at Yankee Stadium, July 4, 1939
So you see, maybe it's you all who should be jealous of the mountains I have to climb, and face on my own, so I can continue my own claim to fame, to join my own "Murderer's Row." (famous baseball line-up) (shut-up, Josh, I know, you that......but not everybody else will....)
I do love you, and I do, mean it!!!!!!
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