Just call me Priscilla

Queen of the Desert.

Or. Piedmont mountain.

Either way, I think it's flashy.

I WANT NEW PILLOWS!!!!!

Im tied up in knots and feel like I have been totally let go of. Sometimes my feeling is warranted by downright fact. I find myself fearful of the unknown when the unknown is the only thing I can hang on to and be truly sure of. My free spirit was totally choked yesterday and stoned to death before even waking up. I had bad dreams and bad tastes in my mouth before opening my eyes. And you can forget about my heart. Let's not forget how restless I was. Still am. Today. This morning. My struggle between good Superman and bad Superman has eerily had it's ultimate beginning. The halter was tight. I feel myself gagging from constriction. I hate it. Besides the horrible dejected feeling I brought on myself, I feel as if there may be no way out. As if I am in this maze of distruction. I scream at you. Tell you my miscontent. The ghosts were a terror last night. (not Champ, nor The Notorious T.I.G.E.R) The ghosts of my past, my failures, the blazing guns and empty shells. I layed in the bed. Lonely. NO matter the self improvement, I layed there. Praying. Crying out. I prayed for myself, my family. I prayed for resolution. Acceptance. I prayed for The Nason's, The White's. I prayed for Jme. I prayed for her future husband to come out of the wood works. I prayed for longer days and short nights. I prayed for needs and frivolous wants. I prayed for Randy to know Christ. I prayed for thirsty, hungry. Needy. I reached out and hoped for the best. I counted the stars and for every number I prayed for B to have a job interview today. I prayed. I longed. I asked.





Then I was as asleep as I was restless, and at 5 am, Champ had to get up and pee. We went back to bed and I swear we parlayed kick the can in bed as if we were 2 buffalo fighting in a pillowcase. Notorious was under the bed whining. I woke up without socks on. SO I think the other buffalo won. I guess I can let it go for now.





All I can ask is Why didnt I? Just like the darn tootsie roll sucker commercials! I guess the world may never know. I feel unchecked. Unmarked. What will I do? Im not hungry. Just 30. I am immaculately 30. Still on a roaming path. Still fighting mice in my heads. All "Nutcracker" style. (they have on little jackets.) I think I can be understood. Have a drink of validation. Wonder why it feels like an eternity. I even wanted tequila yesterday. All chilled and lime in my teeth. It made zero sense. (chase with a Dos Equis......)



I also have been having unrealistic daydreams about snakes. What does THAT mean? I mean, like being really afraid to go on hikes and have to pee because I might be bit on the butt if I tried to pop a squat. I know, right? Er, or having snakes hiding in my toilet. I think these are kind of valid fears but I still need to suck my thumb and wait it all out. I'm just freaked out by that shiz I guess. Word. SO all in all this is where I am. I want more. I need more. I pray more. I see change, I promote change, I welcome change. I want blessings, I receive blessings, I am thankful. I need more finely tuned apparitions on the horizon. But closer.

I miss my Friends!!! I miss them far away. I miss them. I struggle for competency right now. and hope B doesnt go flying into the woods. I am blaringly a nervous wreck. Burned.

Shadow Boxing Acceptance

Boxers on alert! Champ finds himself all enamored with the heater in the bedroom. Which of course turns him all splotchy red and white and pink and i get all concerned. To the ones who dont know, the oil has ran out of my stove - which heats the house - so here we go living with space heaters. blah. The weather has been mild so we havent used them a whole lot but i also dance around the house in flannel pjs slathered in old lady lotion and wool socks pulled up to my thighs. (sigh) we have been living this life for a week. At first I was having raging headaches but I was also a prized candidate for "PMS." Which alternatively stands for Paula's Misguided Sanity. Just if you needed to know. Headaches have eased, and the curse came upon us. (cover your eyes) turns out all is well in the land of TMI. Welcome.



Most of the time this is me: Huh?

You: Repeating what you said.

Me: I cling to you like a security blanket!

You: It's okay.



I bought 1 pair of shorts Sunday. Im super proud of myself. Which sounds like a pitiful whine. maybe baby. I have given away jeans that do not fit. Will not fit. and I will not be a waif again so I dont need your size small tomfoolery. I gave these items to my niece. Which she was super excited. It made me feel good. remotely grown up. I dont know if turning 30 made me cling to the past or catapulted me into acceptance. I think both. The reason size 3's dont fit? Is because I have hips. Nice ones at that. I have a booty. It's not bu-dunk-ba-dunk, or J.Lo-esqe. Its just mine. and it belongs in a decent pair of shorts. or jeans. or whatever. I have made a little bag of shorts that will go to her too. my short selection doesnt fit because I have a rear. (thats why pickle-pear) no biggie. okay, nut that. it is a big deal. because I try to wear things that dont fit because of fear/anxiety/no beuno. the buck end here apparently. (I look normal)



also, you love me the way i am. (no looking back)



B said: You really NEED a laptop.

Me: things come and go. things will come soon.

B: I know.



B and his back hurting mess he is. Which he does to himself. Ya. I said it. BUT. He does so many things he may not WANT to do. Like being understanding. Taking me by the hand and waiting for me to try on shorts that I am afraid of. Er, driving to Sevierville on a busy Sunday afternoon. UH, not killing us in the red machine of camaraderie. Remember, baby steps. (facilitate my life)

I need my wits about me since I expect a group of eels to attack, so I MUST go.

I filed my taxes today. (its about time)

The Battle of Shiloh

I just remembered the dream I had Thursday morning. All I could remember of the dream was that I was crying. I went to bed with Bull Durham on..... then I woke up feeling, well, traumatized. Turns out I had a dream about buying shorts and high heels. B was in my dream. with that being here nor there, my dream ended up being all "bad" and crap. ha. turns out I really dont remember any of my dream. Just the small details.





So what about the big picture? Unfortunately, this is happens in real life. Constantly. We all wake up crying/dream we have been crying. when in reality, maybe we just need to cry it all out. I HAVE to hug it out. Daily. I hug the smelly dogs. I "air hug" the step brothers. If I get too close to them, they just start nibbling. those 2 care nothing of human life. Live and serve. (Hold me.)





Alright. So I have no idea why I had been crying in the dream. Or what it has to do with shorts. One thing I am digging? Is acceptance. She's a hard mistress, but the more I settle in with her, I find her ways endearing. As hard as the road feels, it always leads home. AND home is where the heart is. Oh, and where the coffee brews too.





this morning I heard the song on the swiffer commercial - Who's that lady and crap. I really dig that song. I really dig those commercials also. The one in the attic with the stuffed doll? And the cat is all "Hey biatches." Just like a pussy to get in the middle. (This means YOU Stepbrothers.)





Remember, it's just water. It will all clean up. Don't you dare make me mention the sadist/masochist Queen Bee of them all, TIME. She is relentless. Overbearing, giving you a feeling of wanting to hold a pillow over her face as she sleeps. BUT SHE NEVER SLEEEEEEEPS. What a cheater. Bear with me. I think I am trying to be a pillar of support here.





Uh, back to acceptance. I am accepting many flaws I see in myself. I am loved by folks. I have a rapid supply of support from a beautiful array of folks. I like this. The good junk brings it all around to being able to see the "good" things about me. Which helps me see the "good" in troubling situations. Such as but not limited to "feeling like dog poo." ( Due to the good weather, I am on "dog poo" pick-up.) rar. Long story short? I am terrified of buying shorts and it does make me cry, but I really think the dream was about self-acceptance.





You want me a little further off the beaten path? Come on then, and pull up your socks. Geez. I am worried. About everything. My normal 5 AM prayer? Was long and tortured. I was fighting sleep cause I wanted it all out. then, I realized I need to pray with a little more purpose. Which isnt bad. I'm just going to try. And decipher where all the bones LBD keeps dragging into the yard. Oh, and load the .22. Sit out in the sunlight and clean that thing is what I should do. DONT WORRY. Mama taught me every thing I know. BTW, no worries. Today, I am going to go where the rocks kinda meet a SINKHOLE. I am. IDC. Thats I dont care to the rest of you. I think theres treasure there.


Uh, so pick up poop for one. Trouble finding for 2. Rocking it all out in knee socks for 3. Oh, and hoping B doesnt burst into flames in the meantime. I love you Nason's.


I'm moving to The Meadows. Meet you there!

Thursday. It is Thursday, Right?

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

by Christopher Brennan

If questioning would make us wise
No one would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.


Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.


For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and and faint and sweetly bleed?


Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

on the high horse, side saddle....

Patience is a virtue. But what about the mean time? Your footprint is larger than mine and this means desolate wasteland. I heard the buttons pop off inside. It was strange. and how bout those people out there criticising every last thing I revere? These are MY ears. I will clean them however I see fit. (dont judge me.) yes, drinking water does help that water weight run off your body quickly. promise. he said it again, about how he could see a beautiful life. it made me smile. even with very little we had. If I could move the world, I would. Without effort. last year at this time, i wanted change and it did brew. I am in a different place then than now. I am hopeful for the same next year. new joy. new battles. we wait with pleasure for our portion. like 2 baby birds perched in the tree. mouths open. eyes open. squawking. we wait for our portion. with pleasure. im a believer. i dont think i did anything wrong, it was all i could say.



Personal sanctuary I am in. a few minutes. not forgetting I am loved. you make me precious. no doubt in my mind. cultivate the flame. one day, we'll get to take a break. all week long. we want the same goal. we wait for our portion. with pleasure. hand in the glove. im glad i used the last of your ink. the new pen is much more pleasing. at least this new pen sang like a bird. i wasnt shy anymore.

For better or for worse

sometimes which is better? we all have battle scars, open wounds, full plates, closed ears. products of closed hearts. no time. most spread too thin. i feel exiled. i have Napoleon syndrome. and with this sin, i am unchecked. my downfall. thinking too good to bear it all. pride. my pickle. sour. didnt we almost have it all Whitney? HELL TO THE NO. just as i thought. when does the philanthropy begin? where is my humble pie? taken with my measurements. my darling deserves more than me, yet he longs to be with me. i do it on my own now. with very little left over. i work for free. my strength drawn from The Lord, My Father, My God. He is sovereign. and shows me grace daily. sometimes I am alone. then I know He is there. sometimes i doubt and dont know. My Lord, the One I serve and will teach my children to serve shows me I done need to know. He always restores my hope. When i feel empty, My Father fills my cup. He is relentless in provision. I am thankful.


the days are not long enough. these days are too short. i will keep trying. i believe in today. im glad we are on the same page. you accept my quiet beauty. you have an understanding heart. My God is with me. Our God is with us. Never failing. Always looking ahead.

In the crows nest. (always a Navy girl at heart.)

Cant you feel the waves? the salt on your lips?

Polaroid Picture

I had a pretty violent dream last night that has possibly promoted something, an emotion I havent felt in a while. Which is hope. oddly enough. I dont want to talk about the dream but it did include a church, a computer, and a girl i havent seen since, um, high school. the really odd part is i didnt really recognize her in the dream until later. or i convinced myself i had seen her in the dream. we werent that close either. (and i was VERY angry with her.) which makes it all more the odd. anyhow, i have been reflecting today. normally as of lately, i have been experiencing kind of new feelings. which is good. i am trying to explore these feelings. which is healthy. taking time away from things that truly drain me, and in essence i didnt think I could live without. i am a new creature minute but minute. it is slow. all of this.

B has been helpful. B will continue to be helpful. hes my catapult of satisfaction. he is instrumental in finding that i do love myself. i am super ready for a vacation. i am ready to have the time of my life. this is happening. relief comes in different packages. i just dont want the feeling of "held back." discouragement is a choice, as the sign said Sue. B and i have similar daydreams. which i discover more and more. comfort i long for is here. B isnt the magic catalyst though. i can recognize this. i am more wise than i give myself credit for. (on occasion) B had to become a vessel for me. he earned. he sustained.

I could have abandoned ship. i wanted to. i still want to. i am still the Gribble in the mens briefs. hiding in the trees. eerily convinced of conspiracy theories. i hope B has an interview soon. he would benefit from a job. we could move forward. we could be our dream. i could quit pushing people out of my life. instead of being friends, i completely ignore you. which is what i felt had been done to me. its strange. i just cling to understanding. we long for normalcy. at least a portion of it. i still pray at 5 am when i get back in bed. we play dress up all day long then it comes to and end then our reality comes plunging in. which isnt fair, or so it feels. we lay in conundrum. not that i reign in superiority. we just long for our portion. he asked who would throw a party? i noted no one. i did a good job. really the opposite. we long for our portion. this is where we are.

we want to be beautiful and coveted and flash of sun on our shoulders. we long for out portion. we look around daily for a glimpse of how it will be. the drastic changes are underfoot, and we shiver from excitement. im not much in the mood to explore. the weather is ratty. i freeze. that makes it tougher. we long for our portion. i want to see it soon.

here I am doing homework. staying informed. embracing our idiosyncrasies. im trying not to be completely ridiculous here, but how did we get HERE? the life doesnt look the same. the smell is so different its strangely intoxicating. BOO BITCHESSSS!

B and I a have a list of things to do tomorrow! B is coming here so the dogs dont have to be cage dogs, but if they act up and act a damn fool, you guessed it. they will be cage dogs. when all they have to do is be good dogs. looking up good dogs in the dictionary? forget finding T and C. you will find LBD under sufficiently good outside dog there though. and under hellbent pussies - you will find an endearing picture of the stepbrothers. (hold laugh in) I love all 5 of them. regardless of good dog/cage dog/sufficiently good outside dog/hellbent puss status. LOVE THEM.

we have to take off garbage. thats all on the "have to" list for tomorrow. if the weather is bad, er, hopefully, good, we will take the lot on a walk. which will help take the copious amounts of energy the T and C seem to relish and harness and terrify me. Bring it. I CAN ALWAYS BATHE THEM. Say it with me now. we will be having something salad and something homemade for lunch. i am looking forward to a nesting day tomorrow. those days always seem to be the best.

i guess we can wait and see what he will do.