First Listen.

Which feels impossible. I'm horrible when it comes to actually listening. I'm not sure why. B would look at the family tree. No one is pointing fingers though. It's pretty serious when every day feels like an uphill battle and all you do is daydream about is jumping into a mountain swimming hole while you drone it up at work. That's right, I said it. Drone it up. Just another worker bee on the fringe. Friday was helpful, to go out with J and R. Relax a little bit and not fuss over the details. Or worry what the significant other may be up to, or being afraid of getting in trouble with them. I use that term loosely. Getting in trouble, but I think anyone with a pulse and has had any kind of experience with any kind of relationship can testify. I even thought I looked pretty. Actually, all three of us gals looked beautiful. Congratulations to me though for not sucking down shots. Mainly because I was worried about falling and showing my rear to the Knoxville area. S and I were talking about how much we missed The Underground last week, and it made me miss it even more when we didn't go dancing. That's okay. I wore a lot of white tanks and saggy shorts when I was in Underground mode. Never a dress and sweet heels. That's okay though. Who made who? I made me. Not in that all knowing sense, but I made me dress up. That's right. I'm the gal making decisions around here. Not the man behind the curtain.


Back to Friday, it was uber relaxing. Maybe because school isn't in and I was surrounded by mainly people our age. I wasn't measuring up to any gal at Half-Barrel. Which I suggest you avoid, unless you know, you might be under 25. That's a past experience, but hand in hand, it sure fits right in.





B told me great news concerning our future. Which has been a bit of a confidence builder this morning. Yay!

Saturday. B and I hiked Rainbow Falls and it was beautiful. Except it was hot as the devil's rear end outside. It was a moderately difficult trail, but worth it. Lots of waterfalls, as expected, unbelievable ferns, welcoming moss along the forest floor. And, LOTS of mushrooms. The Smurf's never had it so good, let me tell ya. We started late but with the summer months it isn't as damning to start so late in the day. Plenty of daylight, but what you always need is plenty of water. I sweated like a dude on Saturday, partly due to the fact I had alcohol pouring out of my pores also. I felt like a pro, partying it up Friday night and then going out on a long hike the next day.

But, I'm uber tired today. I had nightmares and trouble falling asleep, but mainly trouble staying asleep. I also got into reading a book about grief and I guess that was the answer to all that multiplies anxiety. Greeting me not to sleep so well? Who knows, but I had a great weekend and it was worth it!

Smartwater

We really have a need for a rhythm of life. I think we all do. We all crave not monotony, not even schedule, but some kind of sameness. Something to count on. Although no one is going to experience the same thing, I do believe we all get to take advantage of what is possible. Unlike some of these sensibilities we crave, downright need, the world loves to take that away from us. Our deep cravings of closeness and desire of a normal rhythm is unbelievably important. We wouldn't all be so hungry for it, if this wasn't the case. The man for instance, trying to get us down. Life in general trying to get us down. Or even tragedy for goodness sake. Things we don't have control of. Throwing us in tailspins and crashing us into the snowy mountains. eh. Its ridiculous.

Things are so confusing that I get to the point of daydreaming of being bitten by a crocodile. That's strange. I don't live anywhere near crocodiles. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself something.

I grew out of that stage of wanting silly, pointless things. I'm in an area of pure craving. I crave/want great things. I want to live in the same household as my B. We cant live together because its against moral law. Even if we did, would we be cheating what ultimately is going to happen? I'm not sure. But there's fear there and I think that fear is necessary in order for me not to pack my dogs like the hillbillies and strap the stepbrothers into seat belts causing much drama all around. I don't think there is a mighty fix it. I think that some where, life is going to have to give. Sacrifice is what will have to come into play. I had gotten to a (selfish) place where I couldn't allow any more sacrifice to enter my life, but I am slowly coming into realizing that maybe it wasn't so bad. Sacrifice is a key to recieve more unexpectedly, and that's math dude! Is this the ebb and flow I need to relinquish so more can be planted and manifested? More than likely.

I'm going to keep on.

Wednesday we plan to hike and hopefully some answers will just come up on their own then. I'm inviting these answers to come along on this hike. That's open minded, right? Invite the answers out and see if they show up? Heck, that's downright genius. (I'm patting myself on the back.)

Sticker shock

Well, it ain't over til it's over. Right?

Get in line!

New list of projects. That have to get finished.

She wears short shorts

We had ran down to eat a little and had seen a girl in short shorts. And she had "bigger" legs. I couldnt help but think "boy, that gal has guts." A blonde boy who may have been 17 stared at me the whole time, pretending to read his phone. I dont know where this is coming from, but its coming from. Like, totally. I wonder. Springsteen was on, and I felt like hanging out my clothes to dry. They really hadnt been washed, but it had rained. I thought this morning could I really do something? Would it all change if I were writing from my house? Would the outlet shine, or just break out in flames and melt off the wall? I had become more than giving up my inhibitions. I had hidden my inhibitians because they could be wrong, or they could have negative connotations. Depending on who read and who mattered and who really just wondered: "What is going on?" I was already back in my chair when I realized I very well couldnt be alone, it wouldnt fly to not have correct spelling. At least not to me. Maybe my third eye opened, maybe I am coming out of a cocoon. Who knows. Well beyond contrite, and unfortunately forgetting content. How do I go on if everything changes? If I change it? If The Lord changes it for me? Im completely unsure of that answer. How would it all be normal if it all changes? Can I embrace that things may just have to be undone in order to move ahead? Forge ahead? Ramble ahead? My slow metamorphosis may be the most healthy thing I can muster. Im desperately caught in a moral battle and depending solely on grace to last through any of it. Yeah, Im you. Im me. Ima little inbetween. Too many exposures and not enough juice or light. I moved from side to side and thought of friendships real and imagined. I was enchanted by all kinds of fantasies of life. I cant depend on a faulty engine, I have to take it to the shop. It must be worked on. Even though I have no idea where to start, I just have to. Hands down, hands up. Hands capable of. Hands capable of destruction, or beginnings. I cant really think of tomorrow. All I have is right now. Whether I am trapped, lost my way, or just blind, now that is an argument! I conjured up these places I cant seem to get out of bed for. Im terrified to speak up, but terrified to never say another word.

For Sure

I woke up just like any other day. I woke up and took care of the dogs. The visiting dog. I drank coffee and chased all dogs into the house. I fed the cats. I looked at the trap. I choked back the tears. I woke up. I tried. I still try. Discouraged. Is it still the same thing when you try but still feel discouraged. Where is He? God. This entity in charge? Where is He? I looked under the couch cleaned to a point of aggravation. I took more pills to feel better or to feel something. I would like a pill to take that made someone else to take care of me. I would. Call it escape. Call it giving up. Call it what it is. A need for help. They all scream as if I have put baby scorpions in their shoes. These folks call it pressure, and I simply call it telling you of my needs. My needs become unnecessary. My needs become whines from a puppy dog. My needs feel beyond ignored and never encouraged. Where is the ghost? Hanging in the gallows patiently waiting for its spirit to come back to life. That's dedication. Or obsession. One or the other. Highly dangerous too. It could all change in a blink of an eye. I have seen a bevy of crows. In the road. In my driveway. Calling to me from the trees in the woods. In the field. Next to the barn. Looking dead at me. Still unconcerned in a way. Sick though. I'm sick. But that cant ever happen, since Im impossibly invincible. That's the supposed legend at least. Legends go out in a fiery light, and I fear there I am. It seems to be more and more up to me. Running to stand still. It's a U2 song. And one of my favorites. I'm a little able. But not completely.

I dont live there anymore

I might have to do some things I dont think Im ready for. Im really afraid. Im really afraid of living outside God's Will. But am I already doing that? Im not sure. Im really scared. I need a step. One step. Then I believe the rest is coming. Im at least pretty sure of it. But do you understand?