New Year

Rachel told me that guilt is a product of satan.
I believe that now.

No one had ever told me so, and I just believed it was a product of conviction.

Of God.

I feel better.

I also have to stop hiding.

So, I'm making baby steps.

And thinking of Bill Murray.
Per usual.

Thank you Rachel.

Counsil

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Where did all this guilt come from? Did I make it up? Is it projected on me, through no fault of my own? I'm not really sure, but if you know the answer - THEN DO TELL. This is not a subject reserved for pillow fights clad in pj's late night confession driven by compulsion. This is an honest question, and I think it's a fine time for an honest answer. True, no one is perfect and no one has it together. When is enough, enough already? Um, not sure.

Guilt is one of those romantic things that I apparently am swept away in.

Please let this flood pass already.

Dogs.

Dogs are my role models. The end.

The Game of Life - 32

No guarantees. Is what we can expect out of life. Especially when it comes to love. I believe in loving who you want, for who they are, for the meat of the person. There are times when we can't explain our emotions. Even in those dark waters, we are just people. Flesh and bone. Sometimes, afraid. Out of reach, out of touch, and stubborn to explain. Our hearts break apart, break open, and become hard as rocks if we are not too careful. My secret for today? I want to be living in Knoxville. I want to be alive instead of fumbling in the darkness and afraid of the bibles thrown at me. Commit it in your heart, and it's already just as good as done.

Twitches of Conviction

Inalienable truth, we desire lives, love, and crave humility in order to feel important. It's been a long time, I know, but not in my journal. A whole lot of nothing and everything happening at once. What comfort! Nothing and everything embraced in a dance of ambiguity.

Bear with me, this is where I am.
Right where you left me.

We must make ourselves indigestible. How do I do this? Organize the poor on your side. Train them. Give them your arms. Let go. Fall in. Soak up, my sponge. It's okay if whatever is said. It's done. Don't go your way. Your way may be disaster. Your way may not turn out. This may be the happening and turn out to be your crowning achievement. There are many not as fortunate. And, who better than to be their friend? Tough as nails. Fragile as it goes. Smile through the rain. I'm makin' it over and over again. She ain't given up on me, and I ain't given up on her. No one could accuse us of livin' fast. Cause we lived as honest and as pure as possible. That knot in your belly is just a warning that you are gettin' tougher. Don't give up that fire in your insides and I know it hurts. Take the pressure off yourself and forgive what you can't control. I'm a wild one, hard to beat. Give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Take me as I am. Strong. We all want to be the person that makes another's jaw drop. Do it for you, resilient bird.

In the words of Waylon, heavy on me today:

If you see me gettin' smaller, I'm leavin', don't be grieving.
Just got to get away from here.
If you see me gettin' smaller,
Don't worry, I'm in no hurry,
I've got the right to disappear.

Hrm.

Lots goin' on here folks. Getting car back today, can't wait, it's gonna be fancy, and I will be in love. B and I had a fanTASTIC Wednesday. We laid low. We laid high. We people watched. We made breakfast, and planned to not have any plans. We wandered through an antique store, which really looked like my house but a touch more organized. Found an anchor with an old chain that I am still thinking about. It was rusty, old, and I bet tasted like salt. Not that I would taste said anchor, but I bet it woooould taste like salt. I opened up to B which felt pretty doggone good. I'm not exactly the "opening up" type. You see, this is a product of rejection. Rejection is one of thos things that can't be avoided. It's a natural product of life, and is a helper to bring us to the neccesary places we are supposed to be at.

It's always the same and that's just a shame, that's all. That's all. Phil Collins has a lot of great points. I should listen to him more. Day to day got you down? Me too. Working hard at getting away from it all. While other's wives live on "daddy's" money, I actually make a living. I'm thankful for that position, although, there are far too many who make it look easy living in debt. Ah. It's their debt at least. Many things to look forward to, the beach, more time with B, wedding, going to Sue's. I'm excited. I can't forget that life is really all about me. That last part was a little rich, but I have the skills to pay the bills, the stuff to back it up. So sue me.

Reflective is where you find me. Breaking through these windows you swore were closed. Banging on the doors that supposedly were locked. This is us. This is where we are, and it aint so bad. Dog pile, cuddle blanket. Sewing pillows and forgetting about the rough seas. Flea marketing, repurposing and forgetting. Me likey. But don't worry about me, because I'm doing great! Just worry about yourself, and the rest will be easy. That advice will never let you down!

Is "juicing" a lifestyle? Think about it.

Chocolate!

I'm obsessed with chasing happiness. And doughnuts. Which are one and the same.