Do it.

Do what it takes.

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, be fervent in your love, because love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

I'm trying to listen to this verse. Matters of the heart are trying. We have to work on all relationships. Whether romantic or otherwise. And, truth be told, I want that job. In order to love, we have to love ourselves. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Loving ourselves can be the most difficult, demanding, fretful job that could be handed out. At least to me. I am a work in progress. In progress is the phrase we all should focus on. No one perfect, but all yearning for something that feels very difficult. I need to recondition, refurbish, and redirect energy into loving me, and loving others. Not for who they are, what they look like, or what they do for us, but just love them. Even when the tough gets going, and unfortuantely, the tough gets going quite a bit in this life.

For one thing, not everyone can understand or respect your choices. So I have to make that choice, to be lucid enough to grasp that I am not alien race. Just a person, flesh and blood full of pride. Just like any other being on the earth. And I, desire to love and be loved.

I pray to be able to love everyone better. To have the knowledge to love B. To have the knowledge to love my family and friends. And to even have the knowledge to love strangers.

And it's a hard job. That I suppose is the beauty of loving. We have to put it all on the line. Hope. Put on the old clothes and pull up our sleeves in those seasons where it all seems to be too much. That's when we have to love. We may have to give more in order to get more. We may have to give more and not get any thing in return. That's love. We may have to swallow our pride, huimble ourselves in order to make our love work. We may be afraid. We may be concerned that we may not be good enough, but we are. We are all worth a hard days (nights, weekends, lifelong) work. It can be hard to see through the denial we live in. It can be hard to see the forest for the trees, but we have to. In order to love and to make all relationships work. We may want to be married and to live the life we desire, but we may have to wait and work for it. We may not ever want to be married or to cohabitate with someone else and sharing those awful HARD times, but that closes us off to love. What is refreshing though, is we have a choice to do so.

Let's choose love. Let's dig deep. Let us not condemn each other for wanting to love each other and ourselves. Let us make a choice that might make a real difference in other's lives.

You have to fight Dear Girl. In the name of Love and all that it offers. You have to take real steps and say not to fear. No matter what the fear is. You could lose what is precious. Wasting time of being afraid obviously has not been ideal for you. Fear, has held you back. Taken you hostage and enjoyed feasting on you entirely too much. You, loveley, have to stop. Yuo, have to go back to a Place of acceptance. At this point you have to say goodbye to hose roads of hating and begrudging yourself and not accepting who you are. And, who you are, is beautiful. Say Goodbye to those ugly words that have made you believe the worst lies a liar could tell. Say Goodbye. Pack their bags and don't be sorry to see them leave. Remember, I love you Dear Girl.

New Year

Rachel told me that guilt is a product of satan.
I believe that now.

No one had ever told me so, and I just believed it was a product of conviction.

Of God.

I feel better.

I also have to stop hiding.

So, I'm making baby steps.

And thinking of Bill Murray.
Per usual.

Thank you Rachel.

Counsil

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Where did all this guilt come from? Did I make it up? Is it projected on me, through no fault of my own? I'm not really sure, but if you know the answer - THEN DO TELL. This is not a subject reserved for pillow fights clad in pj's late night confession driven by compulsion. This is an honest question, and I think it's a fine time for an honest answer. True, no one is perfect and no one has it together. When is enough, enough already? Um, not sure.

Guilt is one of those romantic things that I apparently am swept away in.

Please let this flood pass already.

Dogs.

Dogs are my role models. The end.

The Game of Life - 32

No guarantees. Is what we can expect out of life. Especially when it comes to love. I believe in loving who you want, for who they are, for the meat of the person. There are times when we can't explain our emotions. Even in those dark waters, we are just people. Flesh and bone. Sometimes, afraid. Out of reach, out of touch, and stubborn to explain. Our hearts break apart, break open, and become hard as rocks if we are not too careful. My secret for today? I want to be living in Knoxville. I want to be alive instead of fumbling in the darkness and afraid of the bibles thrown at me. Commit it in your heart, and it's already just as good as done.

Twitches of Conviction

Inalienable truth, we desire lives, love, and crave humility in order to feel important. It's been a long time, I know, but not in my journal. A whole lot of nothing and everything happening at once. What comfort! Nothing and everything embraced in a dance of ambiguity.

Bear with me, this is where I am.
Right where you left me.

We must make ourselves indigestible. How do I do this? Organize the poor on your side. Train them. Give them your arms. Let go. Fall in. Soak up, my sponge. It's okay if whatever is said. It's done. Don't go your way. Your way may be disaster. Your way may not turn out. This may be the happening and turn out to be your crowning achievement. There are many not as fortunate. And, who better than to be their friend? Tough as nails. Fragile as it goes. Smile through the rain. I'm makin' it over and over again. She ain't given up on me, and I ain't given up on her. No one could accuse us of livin' fast. Cause we lived as honest and as pure as possible. That knot in your belly is just a warning that you are gettin' tougher. Don't give up that fire in your insides and I know it hurts. Take the pressure off yourself and forgive what you can't control. I'm a wild one, hard to beat. Give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Take me as I am. Strong. We all want to be the person that makes another's jaw drop. Do it for you, resilient bird.

In the words of Waylon, heavy on me today:

If you see me gettin' smaller, I'm leavin', don't be grieving.
Just got to get away from here.
If you see me gettin' smaller,
Don't worry, I'm in no hurry,
I've got the right to disappear.