I hate snow. I "like" it only on seldom occasions. Oh, did I mention how much I am uncomfortable with Christmas? I love Jesus. I love that he was born. I love the story of Christ's birth. That's the extent of my love for Christmas. I have such distaste for Christmas decorations. That's kinda one of my issues with Christmas. I think they are pointless. The hustle and bustle? BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!! More money to piss down the pot. I like understated bullshit. Hell, you're reading the blog of the girl that only has a poinsettia out, and will be the only whisper of Christmas decorations.
Reason number 2 for not really DIGGING Christmas? No one REALLY cares. All year round we know it's coming, but somehow my family ends up acting confused and can't remember the date. HUH? My mother gets so stressed out FOR NO REASON. She may say dinner is at 5:30. Well, it's going to be later than that. Maybe an hour later. Then she gets mad that dinner isn't ready at 5:30. Well guess what? You should have started earlier! Then she wants to ask WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING??!!!??? Well lady, you threatened our lives with a wooden spoon. That's why. You crazy ass. Then, she gets all cry-ey. Then, I get cry-ey. Then, one of us EXPLODES. Yes. Yes. Yes. I mean, I can eat P,B, & J for Christmas dinner. Cause its' NOT ABOUT THE FOOD!!!!!! RIGHT MAMA???
I mean, don't fuck with me. Let's get this shit right.
Take Thanksgiving for example. Mama, Rachel, and I had 3 things each to prepare. FOR DINNER. The 2 of them had ALL DAY to GET SHIT READY. Of course it turned into a monumental meltdown. Remember how I worked like a streetwalker all Thanksgiving week? I had every bit of my shit ready. PLUS IT WAS HOMEMADE!!!!! Fuck!!!!
I don't expect miracles. BUT YOU CANT GET MAD ABOUT THE SHIT YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER!!!!!!!!! Them's the rules!!!! Right??? Right????
Geez. I'm ready for a shot.
It's only 8:27 AM.
B on the other hand is in love with all this snow bullshit. He got up at 3:45 this morning to go ski. I'm tickled he was able to go since he loves this shit and all, but he is sympathetic with my snow predicament. which lands me even more bat shit crazy in love with him. He might be my Jay-z and I might be his Beyonce. Jealous much?
All right. Cut. Story time now.
Courage of conviction to come. One day, someone might write about me. Like the careful way I want to write about you. To compliment. To emulate. I'm a crow.
The awful truth is, I'm terrified of my emotions. Terrified of the future and absolutely horrified at the possible outcome. What if I I'm a failure? What if no one loves it? What if no one finds it? The awful truth is, I don't have it. I have to use other people's stuff to kind of fit in. I realize I'm being kind of secretive here, but I think it might make you go away. And I don't want that. The truth is, I am uncomfortable with you not seeing it. See, the sock turned away. I'm still unsure why. The sock was so cryptic though. I started to think about the witch in the river. How angry the river rat was. Still unforgiven to this day. When the sock found out I had made the magic from the sacred area, the sock scrammed. Which made me ashamed of not having. Shame on you sock. Let's not turn this into Good Will Hunting.
I pulled my knee socks high. At that point I sat on a iceberg. Hoping to see the barn owl. Then, out of nowhere, there the wise being landed. The barn owl granted security. In an unforeseen storm. It doesn't matter. The iceberg DID melt. I had to hit land at some point.
So if I don't create, it can't be seen. Obtained honestly or not.
I REALLY sympathize with Rudolph. The red nosed reindeer? Sing the song. It might make some sense. I just hope my ending is the same.
Love Always,
P
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