Monday, June 27, 2011
We had ran down to eat a little and had seen a girl in short shorts. And she had "bigger" legs. I couldnt help but think "boy, that gal has guts." A blonde boy who may have been 17 stared at me the whole time, pretending to read his phone. I dont know where this is coming from, but its coming from. Like, totally. I wonder. Springsteen was on, and I felt like hanging out my clothes to dry. They really hadnt been washed, but it had rained. I thought this morning could I really do something? Would it all change if I were writing from my house? Would the outlet shine, or just break out in flames and melt off the wall? I had become more than giving up my inhibitions. I had hidden my inhibitians because they could be wrong, or they could have negative connotations. Depending on who read and who mattered and who really just wondered: "What is going on?" I was already back in my chair when I realized I very well couldnt be alone, it wouldnt fly to not have correct spelling. At least not to me. Maybe my third eye opened, maybe I am coming out of a cocoon. Who knows. Well beyond contrite, and unfortunately forgetting content. How do I go on if everything changes? If I change it? If The Lord changes it for me? Im completely unsure of that answer. How would it all be normal if it all changes? Can I embrace that things may just have to be undone in order to move ahead? Forge ahead? Ramble ahead? My slow metamorphosis may be the most healthy thing I can muster. Im desperately caught in a moral battle and depending solely on grace to last through any of it. Yeah, Im you. Im me. Ima little inbetween. Too many exposures and not enough juice or light. I moved from side to side and thought of friendships real and imagined. I was enchanted by all kinds of fantasies of life. I cant depend on a faulty engine, I have to take it to the shop. It must be worked on. Even though I have no idea where to start, I just have to. Hands down, hands up. Hands capable of. Hands capable of destruction, or beginnings. I cant really think of tomorrow. All I have is right now. Whether I am trapped, lost my way, or just blind, now that is an argument! I conjured up these places I cant seem to get out of bed for. Im terrified to speak up, but terrified to never say another word.
Friday, June 10, 2011
I woke up just like any other day. I woke up and took care of the dogs. The visiting dog. I drank coffee and chased all dogs into the house. I fed the cats. I looked at the trap. I choked back the tears. I woke up. I tried. I still try. Discouraged. Is it still the same thing when you try but still feel discouraged. Where is He? God. This entity in charge? Where is He? I looked under the couch cleaned to a point of aggravation. I took more pills to feel better or to feel something. I would like a pill to take that made someone else to take care of me. I would. Call it escape. Call it giving up. Call it what it is. A need for help. They all scream as if I have put baby scorpions in their shoes. These folks call it pressure, and I simply call it telling you of my needs. My needs become unnecessary. My needs become whines from a puppy dog. My needs feel beyond ignored and never encouraged. Where is the ghost? Hanging in the gallows patiently waiting for its spirit to come back to life. That's dedication. Or obsession. One or the other. Highly dangerous too. It could all change in a blink of an eye. I have seen a bevy of crows. In the road. In my driveway. Calling to me from the trees in the woods. In the field. Next to the barn. Looking dead at me. Still unconcerned in a way. Sick though. I'm sick. But that cant ever happen, since Im impossibly invincible. That's the supposed legend at least. Legends go out in a fiery light, and I fear there I am. It seems to be more and more up to me. Running to stand still. It's a U2 song. And one of my favorites. I'm a little able. But not completely.
Friday, June 3, 2011
I might have to do some things I dont think Im ready for. Im really afraid. Im really afraid of living outside God's Will. But am I already doing that? Im not sure. Im really scared. I need a step. One step. Then I believe the rest is coming. Im at least pretty sure of it. But do you understand?