Saturday, February 27, 2010
Forgive me. I just need time.
I pulled the paint off my 5 dollar sunglasses and held a warm washcloth all over my face. i felt somewhat better. my eyes are distracting today and not in a good way. not in a creative, come what may kind of way. my eyes are puffy from the dream. or how it made me feel. it made a nightmare. so im unsure what to do, i know to slow down.
if i could come visit, i would in a heartbeat. if it could all be different. i think i threw away the car insurance bill. she said its hard when you have no one to lean on. depend on. rely on. i made no certain eye contact with her. i think it was just fine the way it all happened. i wish those ghosts would find a new place to live. i wish.
i wanted understanding and it was sent. even though i was upset. even though i felt thoroughly alone. my purpose is misunderstood. all i ever wanted was to touch my toes in the water. even that felt impossible. i felt a dog bite which scared me. it was unfamiliar in a familiar place. i held back and it helped nothing. i went forward and was reminded why. it felt strange.
the weather is perfect and i find myself fearful. but its too cold. but i wont warm up. i bet i will. if i try. the intensity i create and am surrounded by, is hard to shoulder. i saw pictures of what i want, of what my great grandmother created for me. i was all not right now. now? no. not right now. Please listen. its just a whisper.
he packs for me. i sit on the bed and pull off my shoes. underneath the bed. it smells. everything does. and I want nothing to do with it. i want nothing to do with it. could we tackle the bathroom? why do we lack ambition all of a sudden? it was our dream. the dream held us back.
or the lack of attitude. its better. it is. so i dont care if you read. i dont. if you wanted more, you would ask for more. and thats the way it works. sorry.
i need a little more yes, than no. Comfort. nothing without you. revelation. answers. guidance. choices. grants. wishes. lost again. direction. failure. winner. lead me. dont leave me. move me. let me. help me. learn. get back home. i need you. i havent got a clue. big glossy bottom boat. clear water. boggy water. poor fish. i could do more, but i havent then time.
these are my eyes. look through them. on my face.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
thank you thank you for always turning on the electric blanket so i dont freeze to death on your leather couch, which btw, makes me sweat kinda funny and thats why im all touch and go by the 3rd cup of coffee on Sunday morning. I know, i never told you that. I cant wait to create a little herb garden and things of that nature in the yard. i wanna drink tea with you on the new improved back porch that is going to be created in the near future. i promise one day i will go skiing with you. but to give you warning, my face may stick like that due to being in car, and going to be out in snow ALL day. Just sayin. I love you that much. i like how your not all know it all just cause you might know better than me but wont say it. (well, hardly ever.) i miss you when youre gone and wanna run and hide when i sit beside you. its glorious punishment that i long for more of. im glad you buy me things that i do/will use and maybe to the point of obsession. how many of the things are you wearing that I bought for you? answer: everything but the underroos. i am thankful. you pirate. whats another word for pirate treasure? its booty, and you, my B.
P.S. I find that when I discover folks my age have children and they name their children such names as Kierra, I think of being 7 and making up names for my future children. Plus I thought I would live next to my best friend when I got all grown up also. (reality has hit hard.)
P.P.S. When I hear the name Kierra, I think of Yorkshire Terriers.
P.P.P.S. I know 2 Yorkshire Terriers named Kierra. Just sayin. (occupational hazard.)
P.P.P.P.S. Everytime I hear lovin touchin squeezin by Journey, I rock out!!!! Dont tell Lionel!!!
Im as humble as a full crocodile. but would still love more to eat. i was very Clint "In a fistful of dollars."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Im okay with knowledge of my own. I barely need to be okay with what you know as fact.
2 things we have in common. Fearful of comaraderie.
Do you know who writes? Do know the heart of your lover? Do you know the drive?
What is your cost? The pricetag is made by your hand. the investment is what you make of it. Plainly. The organization of isolation?
You were a poor pupil when it came to learn about me. "Learn too much."
In his heart, exhalt himself.
Still plotting. Hungry for evolution. Ready for change. Liberal as a lifestyle. Looking into the future. Sitting with the fortune teller at the fair. The braids were real. I saw them.
With a special area for the dogs. When I can use your money to buy groceries for us.
while I dont live in this house with ghosts and blurs. I live with flesh and blood.
That live in joy knowing they feed my supply of healthy ego. Im not ashamed.
I dont think: "Thats where the ghost stood."
I dont examine certain dates on the sarcophagus any more. I dont bother the Egyptians and hyroglifiics. I create my own. I write on my own walls, with scientists hungry on my trail of thought. (anthropologists would suggest the past, not address the future.)
Fascinated by the obscure. Knowing the sounds were barking, howling, true needs.
I survived just as well standing on a log, in the middle of the river.
Raging and calm underneath, I admire this river. Willing and alive.
Unafraid of the creeks and streams that create the mighty force.
Ultimately, this body longs for more. More to cover. Outgrows the banks.
Longs to feel the branches of the trees.
Had grown so large the body must find its way to the sea. Then as the sea is
boundless, the eyes look up.
The discussion begins as a simple leg race.
I bet I belong there. Above.
The body grows. Longing to be more.
Like the beanstalk.
And doesnt care for your human dust.
Dreamed the cure. Cure complete. A truely good heart.
> Paradise Lost. <
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
so i took a bite of life and it suppressed my appetite for a good period of time. 5 or 6 minutes to the max. i cut the apple, took out the seeds. he laughed in the only way he can. it was a dream, and it was perfect. it was ours. for forever.
encouraged by the day and prospects, we did eventually wander out and i wasnt so angry at the world. the hipsters hid. in that junky bar by the tracks. behind all that plaid, it made our heads pound with emotion. our hearts came out of our chests like the snakes coming out of the holes and burrows from winter.
how do they know the right time? these snakes. good faith? a rumbly in their tumbly? i guess you cant change that. ha. just a few weeks and they'll all be back with a vengeance and ready for carnage. the table need to be moved before the wasps set up dangerous nests. im worried.
i guess the world may never know. the secret is too good to tell everyone anyhow. i thought it looked like a foo man choo. it wasnt as attractive though. its funny how the lens changed over time. it was a bloody nightmare. prayers and needs were met. in a short period of time and frustration. how odd the timeline. i still belly laugh as i look through the woods. you can still see the red dot. but its only a dot now.
arrived on Sunday without skipping a beat. i just want the best for you. no matter what. i held on and forgot to close my eyes. it turned into the tunnel scene. Gene Wilder sure can run fast. so dont close your eyes. take your little eyeballs off him for one second. its a traumatic lesson to learn, but absolutely valid.
the swelling finally relaxed and went down a touch at a time. i knew we would have to be ready to go or on our way. i just want an answer. it should have been given. by now. even though it was a million years old, he liked it bc it was mine. it smells like you. classic. if i wanted a new one i could buy one, i am sure glad i wouldnt want to replace it. herd me in with the rest of the cattle. able for the slaughter. eager to jump off the bridge. cliff. or whatever your mother warned us about. she is very sharp. cut to the bone with the wit.
taking the teapot from the shelf we drank. full, full, full. what made it better is that it was almost water. which we are made 97000% of. and our world is covered by 9898% as well. if that made it a right choice then kudos to the man in the mirror.
i have been writing about these true things for quite some time now. written between the lines. sheets. blurred. glad I only slept and didnt wander in even though it made you shake and unable to admit the disappointment we both shared. i begged. which was the worst thing ever. in the pond. supper was only okay. i am not a faker. only analyzer. who loves to drink. i like this. on the couch. in the back of the van. waiting to go. smoking. i like to drink. on my terms. forced out of hiding and pure wanton lust i eyeballed it all too much. i was greedy. lusty. a lusty woman with bad insight. brave enough to go see about the answer any doggone way. we returned the bottle just how they asked without any quarreling or discourse. the men seemed to understand. the peace offering was small, just like him.
benadryl on the daily is the only way to survive. thats the way it is. the only thing i ever wrote was washed away in the sand. it was slightly gritty. the message so carefully prepared arrogantly erased. in one second. tell me. psycho analyze your misfortune. please dont give mine a chance. I am unsure why it does that. makes no sense. refusing camaraderie.
My brain is ruined for the summer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
i do not know if you have seen the joy known as "Tool Academy" but I encourage you to watch snippets of this show and have a real breakdown about how many tools you know. or may be living in your house with you. (sorry AKA)
this week is a scary one. encouraged to work through it. refrain from scratching anyones eyes out. hey, its not your fault if they choose to get in the way. right?
B and i dug around in a barn yesterday, ate Cardin's cheeseburgers and whispered like children exchanging secrets. we had a rough start to the day but it all ironed out after coffee and hoidy toidy judging who could outrun the other. we ended up compromising and faced the day. together. it was refreshing. this is why we have been able to exist as a couple so far. he also noted we have been together for 6 months. of course i crushed his ego and told him it was only 5. he noted this was a defense mechanism for me. i concurred. we still came out fighting like Champs. but in a good way. we took the dogs out and sat on the glider i had painted with spray paint a few summers ago. B held Champ's leash while we sat. Champ was good as gold. not begging to be on our laps. Tiger of course was another ball of wax. he just wants to know what lies beyond the horizon. i try to tell him there are villains and vikings. he doesnt seem to care. this actually makes him run harder. whatev. the boots are loud.......
LBD soaked it in. then ran off to hunt the water monkeys that live in the woods. shes such a good girl!
we discussed 5 year plans after mulling over our 5 minute plan, and came up with that it can be difficult to have a realationship when in your 30's. especially when things are new, you feel like you may be on a time schedule. you have to be selective with your time because you dont want to screw up anything or anyone who isnt ready. (whos worse? we switch roles of the white rabbit) (my watch is full of sugar) you have to decide early on what your goals are just so you dont waste anyones time. it maddening. B really needs and deserves a great job. he thanks me incessantly about picking him to date when he lives in extraordinarily different circumstances. (i think im a golden goose. you already knew this.) im glad he is able to ski. apparently he has been able to ski quite a bit this year. and the snow has been spectacular. it makes me happy for him. 30 has been a good year for him in hindsight. we were able to be friends when the fire wasnt there last year. he takes my feelings into consideration. he picks white hairs out of my lashes. he has key goals in mind that fit in with mine. its a comfort. he loves hiking. he loves the outdoors. he understands i have to run around like a wild gangbanger to get all my willeys out. he looks at me with love. and i return the looks gladly.
shell see im not so tuff. ya billy joel, you know it.
i dont need a pocket full of money just wild desire and honey.
BTW, I had a PB and banana milkshake yesterday. that was my indulgence on the sweet side. i have pilates tonight. im ready. im ready. im not spongebob caresalot. im a machine of a body, mind, and spirit. ready for the next step, at least being prepared like a faithful boyscout.
B has cattle to put up with his daddy tomorrow. i may go and sit in the barn. i know its kinda chilly, but i love it. i like a cowhand. i like a cowhand unafraid of reinventing himself. im hypnotized. bring it Lionel Richie. ive been waiting a full lifetime for you.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I had a dream last night that of course was on the scary side. I dreamed that someone accused my little Ladybird of biting them. It was some kind of weak revenge plan kind of thing. There I was though, all Dorothy like when the witchy lady accuses Toto of being evil and all that randy bullshit. I was all Aunty Em! Aunty Em!!! In said dream Ladybird was, well, being Ladybird. Tongue floppin' out. Smiling. Howling. The dream ended with me all wide eyed and saying: How could you hurt a face like that?
That was it. (Trouble)
I am sorely disappointed today and struggling to not hit that chilly iceberg of angry. I am constantly reminded of happenings and results. Blah. (oops, no more of that.) It's too pretty to be blah.
What does the day have in store for me? (Get ready)
I need to pooper scooper the yard. (Jealous, much?) BUT I get to wear my galoshes. (I love you, G.) I am going for a walk in the woods with Ladybird. (Taking this garden tool thing that cuts shit down) Checking out spot that may be the hiding place for a wild animal. (Danger, ranger....) Setting out MORE hay. (Yay) This will allow me to wear said galoshes a lot longer.) Hiding in barn like an owl. (More than likely.) Hanging out with B. (Toe to toe.) (In galoshes.) Madness and calamity to follow....... (Too much to tell, but will report.)
Wishin' I were paintin' the hallway......
I guess I feel like Quentin Tarintino in a western shirt. It's just natural. No one questions this when they experience their Own Private Idaho. (and if they do, this CANT be a good fit)When feeling as if the order of things goes against nature when along it perfectly fit in. Only because the right fit came along when you started dressing things up a little nicer. In my bungalow, my cottage, my little farmhouse, this is where I cope. (Recognize from yesterday?) If the money doesnt come as easily, I suppose all I can do is wait...... and demand more Lionel Richie.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Disguised carefully as a chicken even if my real identity is a flying monkey killing machine. Be a shark!!!! It was crazy, but I actually enjoyed Grey's anatomy last night. (We had been broken up for a while) I know it was a big one night stand.
I hate math. Especially subtraction. Blah. Again.
Im so gonna jam out to Lionel Richie all day because his songs are safe. Dont betray me now, Mr. Richie. The thing that keeps me afloat is the thing that keeps me drowned in a pit. I can have one, but it ultimately wrings my neck. Put me in the fryer pan. Have this, but none of that.
I have zero balance. Thats a total fact. Maybe one day I can learn.
My chest eventually stopped hurting, but I took a beating before feeling better. I take my freedom for granted and once again, I try to regain this precious commodity that longs to be held. I cant sacrifice any more, and I will not stop putting my faith into it either. I should have listened to my mom. Go tell her this, make her day.
What about a person divorced twice? Or three times? Is this an awful person? Think twice my dears. P.S. I know more than a handful of folks who used to be in prison, or unfortunately, about to head there on Monday morning. Really.
All judgement aside, I just wonder with all our free thinking, pure hearts and minds, how much judgement do we really harbour? Quite a bit. At least I do. I have been trying to stop myself. Put my little feet into their shoesies. I have put the brakes on my mean thoughts. My presumptuous self.
It all comes down to Lent. Back to repentance. I am a raging river of confession. So far so good. I think it helps me cope. Last year, it was a coping mechanism. This year, Lent has a new air to it. I am grateful for a redo. Everyday.
Did I want chocolate yesterday? Yes. Why yes I did. Did I eat chocolate yesterday? No. No I did not. I did go work out, even though I hated every second of it. But I made a promise. To my God, and to myself. Never give up. In the event of failure though, tomorrow is another day. (fingers crossed.)
I have let the reins out a little. You know me all wound up and ready to go at the drop of a hat. This quality is endearing to most I have friendships with. (Yay!) It makes others run like hell. (Yay!) The more I genuinely accept about myself, the better. (BUT STILL IMPROVE biatches!)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I repent of over consumption of sugar, the overwhelming need to be lazy. I repent of my jealousy, my anger, my out and out distaste of life not being fair.
Sometimes I am so grateful for the valleys, some times I beg for mountaintops. On occasion, I am given these rewards. I also have to be quiet. My squawking and tireless complaining is what exhausts me and makes me unruly. It completely ruins everything.
All he said was that he felt left out. I did relate.
I still cant stand SM. I will still send blood money. Because whatever I need will be added unto me.
P.S. I promise to buy a round when I get my 3 million back on my taxes. Yeah, 3 million.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I am thankful, and hopeful, I will be awarded a little more. A little more is on the way. After the great garage sale of life.
Spring fever? You have no idea. Not a clue to the deep digging of feeling the sunshine I long to lay in.
Even if I have to lay out in said sun with said socks on over the knee. WITH leggings.
Im demanding. But I dont believe I demand enough. Im all Alice with a tinge of wanting to be the Red Queen. Its true. Im beyond Alice singing with the flowers in the field.
I am the picture of everything anomaly. Its true. Im just about a beast of burden in this manner. How frustrating! (I miss you!!)
Change happens all the time. I just have to evaluate my vision, and to see it. Adjustments. Measures.
A heaping version of it all. My eyes cannot be bigger than my stomach, theres just no way. If your thinking I got that all wrong, you just havent spent efficient time with me.
Do over begins. Even if I have to force it.
Im in this melancholy been watchin too many movies that breed too much thinking. Drowning in music that reminds me life is always going on. Reading too little books that help facilitate doubt in others. Never realizing.
I hate intrusion.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Ignore it all. Forget the outside world.
It would be easy if allowed. I do more than I want to.
Hand is forced to point of being fed up. If only it could force the vomit out.
Weak > Strong. Strong < Weak. It was done even if it didn't want to.
Stayed in bed and complained about what hasn't been worked for.
Take turns. Its someone else's turn to do what they wanted to do.
Whatever they made, they made on their own. The elastic is shot.
Face clean. The smudges now gone. After the phone calls.
sun out, sun in. Its all "Fiddler On The Roof. "
Yeah, going to India is a choice. To make. Uncomplicated formation of.
Imagination? Tied down to the ground. Literally. Pitiful.
Self and salvation. Fundamental. Just thought to take some time off.
Open to better books. Get better at it all.
The reason I cant dance? I cant follow the lead.
I don't. I fall. I trip.
The girl in me. Can it save me? (Listening to liars.)
How I acted all wrong. (Influenced by others.)
Never a chance to explain. The very captain of demise.
Could do more. Begin the endless.
One day the chance may present itself.
To do what to do. Or know. What to do.
Type in fervor by myself.
(Maybe just him in the next room)
Not surrounded by windows. Or shadows.
Or smiling strangers with needs being met.
Or hearing toddlers and husbands. (Ghosts)
Or sitting in your chair.
Being embarrassed by the fact it all has to be held back.
Because its not my place. It never is.
Tragically cute. In the kingdom.
Impatient. Give up.
Cant be checked if not near it.
(Let the snow stop)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Before I do another nose dive, I need to brush myself off. Have I mentioned the ratty weather coming? It seems perfect for devising plans, getting into mischief, and all around tomfoolery. Which includes, but not limited to talking B to drive over to the Holston River Bridge. Where the old flea market was? I have a feeling there is a great image there waiting to be captured. If only in my mind. It sounds like fun to me. Perfect for a day off.
Cant we take a break from bad news? Killer bees, killer moths. Killer legs. Bring 'em. If we did know the future we wouldnt open our silly little eyeballs in the morning. How optimistic.
I must return to my lot in life as the town crier, or otherwise known as "The Chief."
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Where to go? Unsure. I fight to feel hopeful. I fight to feel bright. I have worked out for the past 3 days in a row, and it makes me feel like a ninja fighter all around bad ass. SO I must keep it up. Lent is on its way, and of course, I encourage us all to find something to commit to. Its only for a few weeks!!! My thing, is giving up laziness and gorging myself on cookies. Yes, I realize the evil girl scout cookies are hot on my tracks. Just as long as I get them before the 16th, im fucking gold. Yeah, fucking gold biatches. I can have cookies on Sunday during Lent, take that self!!!!
Insert evil maniacal laugh here. Why? Cause we all need a good dose of feeling better somehow. I fought all morning not to give in to hateful thoughts. And like always, mind over matter, works.
Good luck to the rest of you. B is making chili for us tonight and I am going to bring him a surprise!!! It'll be all teenage lock in at church style. You know what you did at those things.
P.S. To the ones on the great sock hunting trail, Godspeed.
Monday, February 1, 2010
We caught a beautiful picture of Mr. Kitty laying up in the barn loft. He was content. I was a little jealous. I forget to be content and satisfied with what the world is immediately offering me. I strain to smile at good moments. I ALMOST jumped into the big puddle of run off from the snow and ice melting off the barn. ALMOST.
We ate turkey sandwiches made with bean sprout bread. P.S. - B didnt enjoy his sandwich as I did. He ate it anyway. I believe in eating lots of veggies. Along with a lot of meat. I am a raging carnivore, I just have to have the veggies too. Even in the bread you ask? Yes, and my digestion thanks me.
I did do couch Pilate's this weekend, and if you want to know how, you will just have to order the DVD. No kidding. I only think of you on 2 occasions, thats day, and night......
Big White Dog Slept All Night Long.
I might be a bijiggity mess in all honesty. Oh well. Im taking it as it comes. You know, BABY STEPS. I so watched Groundhog Day this weekend and did make out with the TV. Can Bill Murray help hes such a handsome devil? No. No he cant. I have all these bijiggity thoughts of retirement. Huh? I know, no beuno. Im just gonna do it. Even if I cant touch the sob until im 90. SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting it done. I can do it. I can. Just like couch Pilate's. Just like the workout ball. I said I would use them, do them, eat better, feel better about myself, and I AM!!!
All the way through it Conan was headed down the tubes. Or so we thought. His magic will not be hidden long. A little late to discuss Conan? Forgive me, my thoughts are thawing out.
Through the lies you were the truth. Celine Dion
I did read a great devotion this morning, which was my answer. It is by Dr. David Jeremiah
Entitled: Hearing His Voice
To him the door keeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. John 10:3
As you get to know your Shepherd, you will come to realize that when he call you, it is always worth obeying. When he says something, it is for your benefit. If He says, "Go this way," it's because He has green pastures and still waters for you. If He says, "Stop! Don't do that," it's because He's trying to protect you from potential danger, possibly something that is even life-threatening.
The fact that God speaks to us is clear throughout the passages of Scripture. To some, like Moses, God spoke audibly. To others, like the prophet Elijah, He spoke quietly on at least one occasion.
Often we look for the big events, the earthshaking circumstances in which God speaks. And many times He is speaking to us, but it is in a still, small voice. We should try turning off the television, the radio, and the telephone and just listen. With all the noises in our world, with all the information that bombards us, we can hear all those voices but miss the most important voice of all. Maybe one reason we don't hear Him is because we never stop to listen. We should heed the words of Psalm 46:10, which says, "Se still, and know that I am God."
Once we have heard the voice of God, we need to follow. Jesus said, "The sheep follow him, for they know his voice."(John 10:4). The word "follow" means to deliberately decide to comply with instruction. It is a deliberate choice for sheep to follow the Shepherd. We need to deliberately follow our Shepard, to do what He tells us to do.
When God Almighty speaks to you in that still, small voice, will you listen? Will you follow him?
This morning, I answer yes. Because I see/hear God speaking often. Last week, I saw a tiny fawn eating grass by the highway, I drove slowly past her, as if I were the only one to see her. She was close to danger, but somehow knew to stay out of the road. Then, sitting in the parking lot, I saw 2 doves in a cedar tree. They were beautiful. God was telling me to be still. To count my blessings. To not move. God's message to me that day also was: Even though you live alone, support yourself, and live in the middle of the woods, among danger, prey for attack, physical and spiritual, I have chosen you for your strength. Never being defining yourself as weak, but realize you are strong. Not everyone can bear my burdens, and it all feels clear today.
This morning I walked down the driveway, cleared off the car as much as I could and waited for the ice to melt, LBD had followed me to the road. Not only her, but Baby Love was right on my heels!!!! As easy as it would be not to have either of them, realizing I am taking care of more than my share, be it animals, God did the same to Moses. Not so much the critter reference, but the storm, the water, the waiting. I shooed LBD and Baby Love up the driveway. LDB sat. She sat. She waited. She knew I didnt want her in the road, and it was easy as pie to scare the cat back home. As much as I do have, I am learning more and more to be grateful.
LBD did cross the road, but she went under the road and through the drain pipe. She looked satisfied. As if to say, hey, it's alright to do things a different way!