Monday, August 31, 2009

Stay Tuned

More to come, right after this Public Service Announcement......

Saturday, August 29, 2009

45 Minutes!!!!

This was my fortune from last night:
You have a charming way with words and should write a book.

Prophecy from a fortune cookie? Maybe. (We didn't eat our fortune cookies, but we did lick them.) Sounds weird? Well, not @ when all you have eaten is meat, eggs, and green vegetables for the past 12 days. Yes, we will keep on with it until September 6th. (okay, I ate that biscuit yesterday, but it was small, and I haven't cheated any other day.)

The sky looks amazing this morning. Grey, cloudy, sitting up against the mountains. I love it.
I'm still pulling up my knee socks and dealing with it. In a positive light.

I have haircuts today. AND I'm going to nap, or run wild through the hills. And grill meat. And replace heels that Tiger decided to chew on. My favorite pair. He's such a persnickety dog.

Ideally, in String Theory, which, I believe, somewhere my mate is encouraging me in a manner that is aggravating. He is poking me to do more. He is keeping me accountable. Now hold on, dearest, this is where it gets dicey. You know, in MY String Theory, my mate has a Robert Pattinson haircut and has the personality of Tyler Durden, and is a cute, everyday looking dude, but at the same time extraordinary and bewildering. Wonderful.

I am still puttering around the house, teetering, if you will, on my little bitty high heels. Preparing tarts and tea. Because we live in England in our precious little cottage covered in ivy. Ha. But, this is where it gets realistic. I am aggravated at his encouragement.

Turning it into pure distaste for how "hard this man is pushing me." "Am I not doing enough?" (Am I just not understanding where this bastard is coming from?!!!??)
Wait! He's not a bastard! I love him. He's my sweet baby! But that sweet baby is sure grinding my nerves....... Then, I hear him from the kitchen, asking where his socks are. I'm cussing, bc I have burned said tarts, and the tea doesn't taste right. Damn it!!! I screech, Can you get off my back for a second???!!!

He comes into the kitchen and glares at me, "What's your problem?" I adjust my face, (and my attitude), and say, "Nothing."

When it's clearly everything. (I do this in present life too.)

I continue to tell Mr. Pattison hair/Tyler Durden disposition man, about how much I am struggling with my writing, and I don't know how to push myself any harder. He, being a creative soul himself starts an outline of the past year. We sit at our kitchen table, and look at each others features....... Mind cloudy from adrenaline.

I sit there, with tears brimming in my eyes, and he tries to explain, he is not berating me, he is simply showing me where I am and where I want to go. I am in a better mood and willing to open my ears at this time, because he took time out of his routine to sit and only focus on me.

Now through these huge tear drops, I understand and can see perfectly, what I need to do from here.

The beautiful thing? Is we get back into sync. No longer in front of this stumbling block, that I had put in front of us. I can joyfully do the laundry, and flip around while we jam to an old record. The tarts taste delicious, and the tea isn't as bad as I thought.

Our perspective changed, and it helped me to be a stable partner. Equal.

This, isn't just String Theory. It's real life. I want to be Humpty Dumpty to my partner and fall apart, BUT!!!!!!! My King's horse's and My King's men, will be able to put me back together again. NO matter the cost. No matter, how much the hodge podge doesn't want to stick.

Ya know, he's gonna be my Swiss Army Knife. And you should be the same to someone in your present life. To your partner, Mama and Daddy, to your friend, or co-worker, or children.
Even when it's painful. Or too hard.

I am trying to things in baby steps. As awful as it is, I still hate everything, and everyone. I do.
But, I am trying to cope.

I have to be wary. I have ended up eating my crow. You know, being judgemental, and having the same happen to me. I have thought ugly thoughts, and ended up in that ugly boat.

It ain't pretty when pretty leaves you.

P.S. I'm going to church tomorrow. Even if I cry.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Stubborn Beauty

Honey, I'm home.

Atlas, please, take the world off my shoulders today. I gladly pass the cup. I am refusing to feel bad today. I'm not really sleeping, it's raining, I'm really angry, but what the hell, I'm in a great mood. I'm in a shabang of a creative mood. (I swear, that money had a picture of Billy Graham on it.)

Eating taco salads, and laughing through the diet coke, clarity, was on the rise.

I am playing pretend today. This may be my new coping mechanism. Honestly, it looks good on me too. Just like the pink skirt I am wearing later today. My outfit change tonight has compelled me to feel good too. It may be a disaster. I will be cold, but, I can't wait!

As long as I don't light the dynamite, things will be okay. Even though, I love to flip a bic, strike a match, start a zippo. (adding gasoline, now!)

My heart can't stop. Shes very loud. The largest organ, (really, its the skin), but mine is too animated to be taken lightly. The beating is what you are hearing right now. Its loud!!!

Take your time. Go ahead, listen. Sweet music for the hopeful!!!

I am writing out all ideas, even if I don't feel like elaborating on them, or taking them to the new level, Collaboration. Out there. On the move. I'm ready to go.

The rain, afore mentioned? May have given me the cleansing, I have been craving. It has improved my mood drastically. My mood prohibits me to turn out acceptable work. I feel very shameful, when I cant produce beautiful fruit. I let myself down, when, my mood is pissy.

Maybe, I was waiting for it. Waiting, to not be eaten by alligators. Maybe, only listen to my voice.
I believe, i will continue on, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!

Keep on, keepin' on......

I'm wanting. Very much. I want to be outside. Knee sock bound. Going through caves.
Helicopter rides. Stopping the car. Going up that hill of rocks.
Doing things. (Tasks)
That do not make sense.
Not admitting defeat, but doing anyway.
Cutting your fingers, and applying the band-aid.
Wanting not to refrain!!!!

There's Part 2.
Part Deux.
Chapters, 1 through 4500. (Whatta long book!)
Following what feels right, even if it "APPEARS" wrong. May be, the correct solution.


Circumstances, should never define you.

Broken window, heart, leaky roof, uncommon ground, sheer frustration.....
Batten down the hatches!!!!

I don't know where I am going, who is looking @ me. Or my actions. I cant ask, or anticipate all the time. Reflection. Bottle fed predictions.

My breathing feels healthy today. I am not having those heavy thoughts that penetrate me like a shard of glass. the thoughts, I meticulously, put in order, and have packed neatly in my suitcase of a brain.

I am making progress with my book.
I need help with the illustrations though......

2 confessions. I had a little biscuit with jam on it. And, I love sex in the daytime.
(Afternoon delight!)

Broken bones. Baggage. You just were not the right choice. I'm not afraid of that. Not in the daytime. Make me whole once again, disregard, you were doing something that frightened you. The drive in you, and the drive in me, got lost together. No matter how brief, filled my soul. You were so weak, you couldn't bear my strength. The fear bred you to run, it prompted you to forget anything good, or true. I couldn't fathom the hold, I even considered myself independent. It proved to be too much, unsettling. It was a debt, you or I couldn't repay. There's no rhyme or reason. There's no way to fix to it. You couldn't even say I'm sorry. Apologize, or even just pretend, it was going to be okay. I can understand. Sometimes, its better to close doors, forget where you hid the key, or if you gave it to your baby sister to swallow. Now, just like a tootsie roll pop, the world, may never know.

The cost, too steep, and investing in the short term seemed to be more cost effective. It bled you dry. It cut you to the bone. My vision, or my lack of willingness, broke the camels back. It left me more confused. Not heart broken, just damaged in a way. A girl who usually gets what she wants. I do. Usually, I win. If I'm interested, I reap the reward. Not this time. You are a raging buffalo, and I cant blame you. I guess, you get what you pay for. The price tag was worth more than the "medicine." I urge you to find the correct way. To find your Princess Leia.

My Medicine Man only works for trade though. He's not really like the one in Wayne's World, when the Indian leads Wayne to Jim Morrison in the desert. Think more, Natural Born Killers...... when Mickey and Mallory encounter the Indian. (I think it's more of a flashback), none the less, be wary.Who could blame you? Monsters are not your enemy, nor mine either. It's our brains. Our big brains. (Thank you, Vonnegut) But this, is from me dear......

It's the muscle you rely on, and that has gotten you into so much trouble.... the thing that has hindered said progress, as an individual. Mine, my brain, turns me into a ward of the state. Criminally insane. Cripples my spinal cord, it does. Allows me not to be strong.

Today though, I suppose, I am the Mistress of this plantation. I demand respect, vision, and clarity. I declare! Step off! Before I release the dogs!!!!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


thinking of a new one. A moniker. a guise. well, chicken little, I'm not that crafty, i dig breaking shit. it's the truth. its my temper. hair trigger. i try to keep it in check, bc of the nightmare that will ensue...

I found a beautiful lingerie suitcase yesterday.Jealous? You should be. Its the tits. And perfect.

Finishing things up. Desperately wrapping things up so I can continue to move on. Things written on my candy cane shaped to do list? Soap. Q-tips. Benadryl. Newspaper. In that order of importance. Pressing times. Desperate measures. Trying thoughts. Moving on.

Craving wine! I do. I do. That is my commitment as of late.
We will have a special ceremony, post Labor Day. All are invited.

Projects? Well, I'm trying to fashion little boots for animals. Dogs, cows, Platypus.

And just why not for a platypus? They need shoes too!!! Discriminating souls you are!

We all want to feel good, look good, plot well, live well, put our best foot forward.....

So congratulations, Mr. Platypus. The trick? Is the whole webbed feeeeeeeet thing.

Easy as pie. Man, I want to make pie. And, just look at it.

Here's the facts, as I (kind of) suffer through, I think, the whole eating, and shedding pounds thing is a great idea. And not just in theory.

My left thigh has been twitching since yesterday. Odd. The muscle... it's irritating. At least it's not my eye, like Saturday. Suffering through fajitas. (didn't eat chips....)

I'm the captain of this ship! Feeling the wind flow through. Dr. Girlfriend. Huckleberry Finn. Little Orphan Annie. Lucy from Peanuts.

I did dream last night. In Bond Girl atmosphere. Closed eyes through the whole shoot......

Still taking advice, and writing down EVERY idea, is taxing. But worth it. It's amazing what I have come up with. The calculations, are even more astonishing.

Alright. I have a date today. I mean, I am still waiting to say yes or no. Hesitation? Yeah. Lots of it. I guess, I'm not ready? Not interested? Not willing? Not wanting a beginning of something to be the end of me? The enemy? I cant take it. Mostly, my stomach aches are pure anxiety. nothing more, nothing less. Do I have to resign and surrender to the fact, this is necessary? IDK.

I just don't want to. Obviously, I'm just not this excited about this person. If I were, wouldn't I be excited? Ready to go? Wanting to go, at least?

I know what you're thinking, I get excited about new things, new projects, but, I don't like these new feelings. Of void. I, really, want to sit in my corner, and be intellectual, drink my coffee, dream a little dream, but cant stomach having to open up. I don't want to.

Boys, men, in general, want you to be ready to fuck, ready to bend, and plain and simple, some men who just want to have love, are tools. I understand, maybe, I expect way too much. If I wanna fuck, don't you think I would've gotten in your pants by now? If, I didn't think you were worth it, wouldn't I have asked and pursued? Do you not think for a second, I could act appropriately? But, like my projects, my schemes, I get all in it, and don't know what to do. Then, I take short cuts, and get lost. I forget my objective. Then, I wait. then, I do a little more damage. I convince myself, its normal. Normal behavior. It turns out weird. It turns into a mess. It changes your very opinion about me. Too hard on myself? No, these are approximate conclusions, that have happened. Truly. It makes my heart beat fast. It usually makes me more creative, or I hide in a hole, and wave my flag.

Its not enough to have things in common. I'm apparently picky. I want the most unique piece of glass. (P.S. I figured out the whole pompadour thing.)

My voice, is afraid. I may get caught up, easily manipulated, bc, I don't have the energy to process what others want from me. Emotionally. So I surrender, without even trying.

Last night, I sat by the fridge, rolled up my knee socks, and drank my Coke Zero. Half satisfied with the day, unable to really grasp anything else. I cleaned the cobwebs. Watered the plants.

Hearing ghosts of yesterday, reminding me, I'm only human.

Its silly, really. The little things, that make me happy. I pray for the mowers to come today, I can barely walk through the grass and not wince at how long it is. Why am I waiting?

Fly by the seat of my pants. Or panties. Whichever.

I feel a lot of pressure to be a certain way, that I am not, and realistically again, may never be. That is my handle. That is all I am capable of. Of only being me.

The equation, the multiplication, is contradictory, and again, me. Absolute assery, determined dame, knowing nymph, borderline obsessive compulsive..... (accuse me, will you???!!!)

So new Zombie movie, and new Werewolf movies coming soon. I cant wait.

The bottom line is I have necessary passion, and it doesn't got through the appropriate channels, I will hate it. The result. I would hate their face, actions, and their life in general. Please let's not hope for a genie in a bottle.... let's wish and pray for the appropriate.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Boom Boom Boom

Let's go back to my room, so we can do it all night, and I can make you feel right....

Stop right there big boy. What have you done for me lately?

Not too much it looks like. So I'm pretty mad. At everybody. The firecracker in my saddle?
Is hot. Nothing to fuck with. You will get your hand blew off.....

My mood is fine, and I am not looking for the silver outline in the fucking clouds today. I can only appreciate time as of late. I feel like the bunny rabbit in Alice more and more.
I carry that complexity Alice holds in her hands also.....

I sent something to post secret..... I told you all I would tell you. Well, to be honest with you, I have decided it would be a waste of time,to post it in my blog, and, I don't look forward to your reaction. I would pay attention to this website. This secret, will stand out to you, especially if you know me, even if I'm just a little acquaintance to you.

I have other places and other time lines on my mind today.

On the Simpsons, Lisa was given a pill called IGNORITALL. I am positively interested in this product. I am just as curious as a fucking cat. It would be the bee's knees. TO paste that smile on my face. To really not care.

I sound like an ass, don't I? Well, here I am, making that stupid sound those fuckers make. Annoying. Down right endearing.

Get in line for the show, I am full of assery today. I've lost weight. It was confirmed today! Not much of an appetite is helping me. And God help, I can't eat any more fake chocolate. I would just rather be without it. I need more discipline. I'm still not trying hard enough.

I need a bumper sticker that says : I WOULD RATHER BE USING A PUNCHING BAG.

Like I said, welcome to the jungle.

I'm running like a mother fucker tonight. All this detox, removal of distraction, has been positive.
So, I'm only maintaining that satisfaction at present.


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fruits of the Spirit

Service Gifts

Ehortation (encouraging others)

1 Corinthians 12:12 (I made a wish)
The body is a unit, through it is made of many parts, and through all it's parts are many,
they form one body.

Fruits of the Spirit (Walking in the Spirit)
Long Suffering
Self Control

1 Corinthians 12:1
Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant.

Take time through the week and pray about each one. This is encouraged by my Pastor. He is elemental to MY service.

Church, has been hard for me as you all know. I haven't been going. A time in my life when I swore, I would never ignore again. Satan, follows us all. Even to church. Which is why I felt like I was having a panic attack this morning. It wasn't panic. It was evil keeping me away from serving God. Satan has a powerful hold on me, and He is everywhere. I am encouraged that I went to church today. How is something I love so much so hard for me to go to? Doesn't make sense does it? I suppose is it easy to feed into our fears. Its easier not to face shame, fear, or embarrassment.......

Embarrassment is a big one. That gal, I have had to face quite a bit. I'm still standing. The blood in my veins, is still rushing wildly like a bunny rabbit clipping though a field.

There have been moments, I prayed about things, for weeks on end. Felt the discretion, Amazed at God's hand, and still failed. It just wasn't His plan. See, we can pray for the things we want, but it may not be HIS perfect will.

It can be necessary to face what is difficult.

I ask God brave questions folks. I demand answers. I have experienced such deep, emotional stab wounds, it puts the coals even more on my feet. To continue.

To do things, that are hard. I don't know why God calls us to face tragedy, hard times, doubt, fear, worry, heartache. I cant fathom why we have to face difficulty in changing jobs, or moving to a new area.
I don't know.

At times, I am thankful for my ignorance of God's plan.

I told Terry in the truck, "There's all this change coming. Your son will be born, and everything will be different again." Change, is expected. Josh, was given a new job, he may or may not enjoy it, it is a change that has been almost traumatic. Change, jarrs our little perspectives. Angie and Steve are having their second child, again, things are changing. Kelly, is searching for new employment, and who can blame her?

Please count your blessings for these changes.

Blessings are coming. And apparently, I'm your coach.

I ask God very angry questions. Accusing questions. Begging questions. Go still loves me, and understands me. God knows my burdens, and I always think of him in the garden, asking our Lord to take the cup. Let it pass. As we all know, our Savior Jesus Christ, faces his opposition.

So, I am encouraged today. I still cried in church. I guess, I'm just always that moved.

Terry and I were walking last night, and he shared some thoughts with me that are still in my head. He helps me not be so ignorant. I realize, there are views on God and life that I do not see.

I'm writing a ton. Just not sharing as much.
I'm evolving.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Suffer for your art!!!

I love that statement!!! It's a suffrage that is worth it!! I love it like a ferocious lion!!! When I am not supposed to, I am thinking about it. Always!!! That's when you know you have a burning passion for something. It consumes you. You dream of it. You pray about it. You feel it on your skin. It's the butter on your biscuit. It's all yours. No one loves your art, the way you love your art. It's magic.

Inglorious Bastards? Brilliant. Leaving it at that. Believe me, I could say, much much more.

Pressed for time though.

Looking for reprieve, and it must be over that hill.

The color in her dress was sublime.

Soundtrack included BOWIE. OMG.

P.S. Blood, Sweat, and Camouflage.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Rainbows/Love Letter

Dear Lover,

Reading my Yahoo!!! today, I discover a headline that states, "America is losing faith in President Obama." Now, you should know by now, I do not follow political bullshit, and just as long as I feel as if I still hold my inalienable rights in my little hands, then, all is still well.

But, I churned the butter, so now, I have to continue. I love our President. I love him because, he is my leader. Do I agree with him all the time? No, of course not. I am a red blooded Republican. Plain and simple. My issues? Of course anything moral, I'm all over it. Surprisingly, I have been told I am extremely open-minded by liberal friends, even people who don't know the meat of me..... Unbelievable. Sounds like me, a walking acronym. I believe in all Conspiracy Theories to a point, because the truth is behind all lies.......

I, as a woman, need to be vigilant about myself. Preeeettttty soon, as a woman, I may HAVE to dress like a whore and pretend it's okay. What? Wait, that is already happening......(too bad)

Of course, dear, I have the CHOICE not to!!! (all the time.)

I love the Democrat, Republican, Liberal, the Sadist, to the Masochist.....

(Which came first, the chicken or the egg?)

The whole point, is we all knew this man couldn't perform miracles, that we all secretly wanted him to.

What next? Continue to support your country. Agree to disagree. Respect the man in power, for goodness sakes. My issue? We build folks up, just to drag them through the mud.

It's written in the Bible. There are parables in there to back this fact up.

Alrighty then. I'm off that soap box, cause it hurts to tiptoe so much. Agenda, agenda, come on out. Storms are coming this way, and I welcome them. It's gonna be a messy day. I have lost my light rain jacket, that was pretty pricey, and now I need to find a new one to wallow around in.

I need to purchase new stones for the front yard, due to the fact, when it rains quite a bit, my yard turns nasty. Stones need to meet the driveway. Spraying poison, (in long sleeves, if I feel like it tomorrow.) I may be missing opportunity, but, I can only focus on so much.

Do you know how loud it is in my head? I'm surprised I can hear half the conversations I have.

Here I am today. Being sick yesterday helped me. the rest was needed. The low-carb thing? Is going very well. I want sweets. Bottom line. I want starchy foods. Bottom line. Am I eating them?


Self-denial equals self-satisfaction. It does. It's fucking religion. I have lost. Maybe not weight, but inches. Clothes are fitting differently. I still want sweets. they make me feel bad though. Physically, they make me feel run-down, and sick. Sure, there's nothing more than I love but a doughnut sandwich, on top of a pint of ice cream. I can taste the chocolate Mayfield ice cream right now.... it's almost like buyers remorse, but, you cant take the food back. You know what I speak of. The guilt. We all have experienced feeling bad after gorging on something, (food or otherwise, men, women, drugs, whatever, any vice) how the guilt haunts you until you swear, and cry, you wont ever do it again.

Guess what? We all do it again. I don't know why being bad, feels so good. I understand repercussions. I understand consequences. I'm a bad, bad girl. I want/luv everything that makes me crazy, or everything, that makes me feel bad afterward.

I guess we all want that big reward. Turns out, the big reward reaps a ton of bullshit. Not this time around. That's why this whole thing, and remember Lent? It was so important to me. Same here. It's going to help me. Teach me a lesson.

Bend me over the bed, and whack my rear with a hairbrush.

I'm that bad of a bad girl.

I slashed my finger wide open last night. I was sitting on the bed, Champ and Tiger, watching me act a fool, and shouting. It's kinda nasty, more nasty than I realized. Keeping clean and covered, and hopefully not ripping it open. Yeah. It's that bad.

Forgive me, for my brutal honesty. Reflection, is powerful, and should teach lessons.

My reflection, is coming up around the bend......

If you see an old door, or if you have one laying around, that you will not use, I need one.
I want to make a table.

Alright, I have to share this with everybody. I found this amazing lady, on Daydream Lily, a blog I religiously follow. The artist/photographer is Chrissie White. Man, she's neat. Yeah, she's the tits. Honestly, if you get a minute, google this lady. Inspirational.

Gasp. Blah. Yuck. I am going to stop reading about murder. I mean, I guess, real murder. Well, scratch that. I am lucky to be alive. How so? What brought this out? The murder of the Newsom murders. The carjacking? I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm just lucky. I'm lucky, I haven't been turned into some one's table legs for coffee table in the living room. Yeah, bad.

I have lived alone. Alot. Left my doors unlocked. Walked through dark parking lots.

It's a miracle. Damn it, I'm scared now.

Focus. I lost it. Baker's Street is on the radio, and that's a kick ass song.......

I'm just gonna continue to be a sponge for the next few weeks. Looks like that's what works.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Taking advice from Zack Arias (still thanking you, Sue)
I am going to write down every idea I have. No matter how big, or small it. is.
I will stay accountable. I will. You will poke me in the side about it too....
I am staying on my private journey, moving to Montana, and I know,
I should just give up up and plant it in Boston...... (just score tonight SOX!!!!)
Continue drawing. Continue working on the farm.
Slowly, it's going to blow me away......

I have too much on hold. Fall, is here. It is. Look at the trees. They're all a different shade of's haunting me like effing Micheal Myers.......(August is playing a cruel joke.)

See ya soon, baby.

P.S. I still love Jesus too!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blackberry Patch

Wading through.

Let's start with the dream I had. I had a dream I was living with a man (a good-looking man, at that), we had bought a house together, this monster of a 2 story, filled to the brim with clothes, and junk. Of course, in this dream, we were able to buy this house for a dollar. Yep. A dollar.

We had everything in common and nothing at all. We taught each other things, and knew it all at the same time.

It seemed to be beautiful.

Except, the man caught me off gaurd, and said " Paula, do you realize we have been dating 8 months and we have not had sex? " Well, It hadn't dawned on me. Then, he said " You're always runnin around with those boys...."


That was the end of the dream.

" Ain't no lovin' like the love I got. "

At this point, making love would be evil, having sex would be my demise, fucking, would be out of the question, being pounded to the point I am making my grocery list in my head, would be laughable. Just sayin'.

It makes me think, it may be my Delilah to my Sampson.

It might be what makes the clock tick.

P.S. In this dream, I have seen what my book cover will look like.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Sugar and Spice

As usual, there is not enough time to do the things I want to do. I get it. I do. It's because I am an adult, and I have to do the things "The Man" wants me to do. Bullshit. If said "Man" knew what I was doing in my free time, inside my head, the color wash that pours through my brain, oh, Damn the Man! He would be jealous. It's the thing that cannot be taxed, taken away, pulled away from, left behind. This, my dears, "The Man" cannot control. Now "The Man" will try. Of course, culture does not help with,"Dontcha wanna think like everybody else?????"

Sometimes, I fall for this bait. This ill-fated, and poorly thought out plan by as, I will call it from now on, "The Machine" that tries to control the said "MAN" once again. Pitiful plight I would say. What a horrible existence. What a nightmare.

You, may be living in it. Get out. Now. It's not too late.

It's going to be a beautiful next 3 weeks. Full of what "I know what I can do........"

Maybe you, won't feel so disappointed in yourself. Maybe I will inspire you to try harder.

After all, I believe that's part of my purpose.

If it sounds like I'm being full of myself, this is the correct assumption. You should look at me and say sassy things under your breath, because, it will push me harder.

And maybe, YOU will try harder.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Do you ever feel like you are/have wasting/wasted someone else's time when you look back, or survey your present life? Many years ago, I had a boy say similar words to me. He said, I just feel you're wasting time with me until someone better comes along. He was right. In a small way. No one better came along, but he and I grew apart. He became this monster I could no longer feed and hide in the bedroom closet. He consumed me in a way that made me appreciate his words today. Step into my parlor said the spider to the fly......

Many trap doors.

I'm a whirlwind of designs and ideas. I have absolute method to my madness. This is all a big cover -up. (My blog) (My life) I am hiding in the laundry basket, in the clothes you do not want to fold, but need to fold. Nothing profound today.

I feel under the gun, and agitated. I am a little girl in the middle of a breath-holding fit. I am a little on the edge. If you don't seem to mind, I believe that is awesome! I am not faking anything. I am, true and genuine. I'm a Miller Hi-Life.

I don't know where to go from here.


1. Drag table legs out of barn.
2. Sand pie saver.
3. Finish patching hole in smokehouse.
4. Hauling off coke cans.
5. WEED EATING. (Beg for mercy.)
6. Somehow create shelves out of paper mache, and laugh when they go all to hell.
7. No. that's all for the upcoming week.
8. Wait, attack sun porch.
9. Okay, that's it.

P.S. I am going on a secret adventure with myself. I love you all, but there's way too much noise for me to involve another soul......

Friday, August 14, 2009

Hanukkah Candles....

I ain't your steppin' stone. I feel very used today. There's not a specific reason. There are not any brilliant facts to back this asinine story up. I just do. I should feel good. I should feel good about helping people when they need it, and not expect anything in return. I should. That, is the right thing.
Here I am though. Feelin' as if I have collaborated on this huge project, and received zero pay...
That's not how Karma works though. (I still can't help but feel, er, disappointed.)

Maybe that's how I make other people feel, and they never told me. Maybe, I need a roofie. Maybe I need to get away. Maybe it's a hard candy Christmas. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.

Do me a favor. Please try hard and not misconstrue what I say. What I attempt to let out. Sometimes, we just have emotions. Sometimes, they will never be explained.

Maybe, just maybe, I am THAT plain.

I have lost faith in "committed realationships." I don't believe in them. For at least today.
What happened? Well, tomfoolery happened. It has been proven. My blue jean mood? Is that sometimes, you have to face facts. Laugh when necessary. Walk away from your dream world. Realize, things are just sad every now and then.

This blog isn't up for discussion. So please do not broach said subject with me.

I want to eat well. Run. Work on the farm. And maybe never write again. My heart is a bruised purple today. It doesn't feel well. She needs the infirmary. She needs, a break. Or, mending.
She needs. And it has destroyed her.
Picture her in a little box. White. With a huge red ribbon. You can see the texture of the ribbon. Shiny. It would be pleasing to the touch. The white box? Would feel a little rough, but appropriate.
You would imagine, it would be growth. That would be the reason why it hurt, or is so discolored. It's the shrinking and growing. She has been exercised to the point of exhaustion.

My heart and I? Have quite a bit in common.

So I stick with her.

Is it funny how I hold my breath for good news? Isn't it funny how happy I look when I do smile? Isn't it funny, I don't want medication to control my emotions and passions? Even when I feel utterly self deprecating? when I feel out of control? When I feel like I may destroy myself?

Why does the wreckage feel so right? Right now?

Here's a funny. Several funnies. I stopped to get gas, and noticed this hottie with a beard @ the Weigel's, and thought I had unlocked my car, of course, I had grabbed the handle and it was still locked. Classic!

Taking the dogs out, we had come in and I smelled poop. I checked my boots. I checked Tiger. I checked, yep, it was the big white elephant Champ. Clueless. He blinked at me. I blinked back. all 4 paws covered in poop. I wrangle Champ into the bath tub, and wash his feet. There was poop on the kitchen floor, here and there. Again. Classic Champ.

Unable to spray hornet nest. Unable to grab table off of barn. It will be mine. Ah ha. Yeah... it will be mine. Just you wait.

Discover and experience the life you were meant for. Insatiable voyeurism is our disease. All our efforts cant be for nothing. (I really want to see the Michael Myers movie.)

More Vonnegut, my love.

"For some people, getting pregnant is as easy as catching a cold." And there was certainly an analogy there: Colds and babies were both caused by germs which loved nothing so much as a mucous membrane.

How easily a teenage virgin could be made pregnant by the seed of a male who was seeking sexual release and nothing else, who did not even like her.

I am ruined. Or I am ruins. I am a cryptic message written in lemon juice, and you just got finished braiding your sister's hair, and she won't turn on the lamp to let you read it.

Even though you were sweet to her. (true story)

I am the night. (I am not, Darkwing Duck) I am IN the night. The moon is a half moon right now, so it's pretty dark. Champ needed to pee at 5 this morning, so I obliged the pups and we went outside. It was super dark. We walked up to the barn. We were all subdued and sleepy.(for once)

Quality, not quantity matters.

3 books I am buying this weekend.

The Great Divorce C.S. Lewis

It sucked, then I cried Heather B. (Awesome) Armstrong

Anything Bukowski

P.S. We have to hoard $25 dollar bottles of wine for the weekend. I'm going to be in the cellar if you need me. If you do need me, leave a note, and please address it as follows:

Dear Ms. Dear Heart:

English Cottage/Farm of Solace Rd. (Formally known as Piedmont Road)

Edge of the world, TN (AKA New Market)

State your business, plain and simple. Nothing hidden. Ms. Dear Heart will respond accordingly.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Ah. 2nd blogpost.

Horoscope for Libra, August 13, 2009. (Lucky Day)

Yep, you truly have a profound effect on others. When it comes to your realationships (my spelling), (OR LACK THEREOF), people either absolutely adore you or hate your guts.
No middle ground. Same goes for romance. No wonder the sparks are flying.

I am rolling in the floor.


First, and foremost, I'm starting out with I don't care!! I feel rotten from the inside out. When I eat shit, I feel like shit. I have gained a pound, and it makes me mad. It makes me feel like hell. I realize, I have some form of that disease that when you look in the mirror, you see all the flaws?
Well, it's not that drastic. But it does make me feel cruddy.

I know. I'm lovely.

Older women, make beautiful lovers.....

Listen cracker, I got a bee in my bonnet, and apparently, it continues to sting me. I have a gorgeous idea for eggplant. My culinary skills? yes, they are lacking. Again. I don't care.

Have you? Have you become a fan of Oomph Image and Design? You should.

Susan Nason allows me to be her star and coaches me to do the flattering poses, even when they hurt like hell. You have no clue! Her work, is amazing. Inspiring. Her eye? Is flawless.
Obsessive? For perfection. She, is more than she knows.

Listen Angels, I am, come hell or high water.... spraying a hornet's nest tonight, and pulling that fucking table off the barn. I'm going to. (pray for me....)

It needs to be outside of my house. In the side yard. I think.

I am planning a get together. This is a warning. I am taking all of my vacation time.... in October.
The week of the 11th. Birthday week, and not because I am turning 30. Stay tuned. There will be spiked lemonade, as well as "unleaded" lemonade..... I expect, I hope, this is fair warning to you all.... since the lot of you live out of state. Bring your children. It should be cool enough for Champ to live it up outside and not turn a shade of bright red......

Do you remember the day you were married? I remember some frightening moments. Like looking down my nose, and seeing my veil. It made my heart stop beating.

I unfortunately remember everything good.

Crazy huh?

I'm sitting on the curb today. Waiting for the bus. Or, I'm all alone in the subway station, patiently waiting for my train. I am the worldy traveler, on a new path.
Map, slung open.... red marker, plotting my way. Except, I don't know where I am going.

Or going to land.

I have made a decision. I am going to live the life I imagine. Not the one, I am in presently. I have this drive of finding what I am looking for. Not U2. More, Diane Birch.
You know, I'm the girl in the silver SHORT dress. In the FMN heels. CFMN heels.

Except, I'm up in a tree, waiting on the fireman due to the flood that swept me up so high. You don't get it. I hate the view. I hate it. I'm way up in the trees with the birds. It's frightening.

Again. Nothing alike. God blessed snowflakes.

Maybe, Terry, he's a writer.... and has terrible writer's block. And the very vision of me will cause him to write a heart beating, thriving rose bush in the middle of winter opus......

You never know.

Maybe, I am playing that sick game, holding Fate's hands, and we are spinning as fast as we can..... eyes closed..... skirt full..... frilly socks, mary janes' thumping together.....

Then again, who cares?

I realize, I touched on the fact I am turning 30. Someone insinuated this week, I will have some kind of spiraling meltdown. I doubt it. I, am a lady. Leaving the girl who wants you to drink tequila out of her belly button and lie to her. Hello, Classic Woman. I lift up everything in delicate, gloved hands. I dare you to touch her!

For fear of sounding pathetic, or off the beaten path to doubt, fear, and sadness. Whoops! This is reality, dear heart. I swear, you know, that glimmer of hope... she shines. It's just that, I cant wait. That's not so bad, is it?

I cant wait. But, I can, in the same pocket. I love alternate realities, and a scope I don't really have a clue about. I love the fact, that somewhere on the West Coast, there is a girl, just like me, dreaming. I LOVE, that she has the same dreams and fears. I LUV that she may look a leeetle like me......

Ah. We run tonight. Like wildcats. We run.

I told Jme yesterday afternoon, that men are like baby cougars. Cute as pie. Then, before you know it, they're tryin' to maul your face off, and fortunately for you, pitiful manfolk, we still find you precious. BULLSHIT!

My blog, has become my Mecca. I love it. It's my safe place. It's all about me, it's all about my obsession with pillows, my dogs, myself. Everything that is perfect, or not so perfect about me and my life. I hope it creates insight. This blog, helps me with my identity as a person.


Yep. It helps to air out the Johnny Cash side of me mixed in with the girl who frantically plays dress up. I am a farmer. A lover. A nymph. I get hurt easily, due to the passion that burns to the outer edges of me..... I am shy, and then again, the center of the room.Faking it. Trying harder. Wanting attention. Are you gonna go my way? Look on the bright side. It's not fair. Please don't cheapen your role. Look me in the eye. If you want to, you should. Ask.If you still thinkofme, and not who you think it is. Far side of the moon. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Ladybird. Forgotten. Missed. Held. Fought. Won. It's all a game, just think of the other players. Shot in the dark. Open wide windows. Sucker. Photos of you, not me. You belong to someone else. That's a great thing. I am supposed to be your friend, that is my reason right now. Not word, for word, but I have thought about it since you said it. Ferocious. I just want more.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Pull the Plug

I am wicked stopped up today. Hmm? Allergies. Yes. Sinus? Check. Does it help Bryan and I worked out in the rain yesterday? Nah. But, God Bless America, the farm looks spectacular.

We were able to cut trees, clean out the smokehouse, haul off trash, brush, old T.V. stand that has sat in my yard for the past 8 months..... Yay! Crossing my fingers, I hope the yard was mowed today. I hear ya, rain yesterday. The lot of people who help me, are fearless. I kind suspect it to be done.

Continuing on to the wicked stopped up issue. Terry and I put on a show of local antics, last night. Dinner, of course, was sushi and Saki. Two things that make me a happy Paula. We went to Intimate Treasures. Found many outfits, shoes, and local fare to feast on with our eyes. We purchased some beautiful hosiery, and fondled said garters.

We revved our engines and took off to Chapman Hwy, and danced around The Disc Exchange. The smell of incense played in our noses, I felt dizzy, bu tin a good way. If we it had been an ice rink, and we were ice dancing, I could have pulled off a triple sow cow...... due to the fact I have righteous sniffles, Terry ended up buying me a packet of tissues with what else? Cowboys on them. Fancy!

Our night ended with a nightcap, that I unfortunately couldn't finish due to the fact my wine didn't taste very good. We blame allergies.

Which brings me to my fine point, Angels. The discussion up for grabs through sniffing, sneezing, and the atrocious fact I couldn't down a glass of Pinot Noir? (GASP!)

If I did meet my skateboarding/farming/lyrical genius/spy/bad-ass monocle wearing boyfriend today? Why!!! Sweetness, we couldn't meet on a park bench and make out for hours as planned. Pray for miracles. My body needs to be healed.

As we all know, he's just on the other side of the cellar door where fate has him unmercifully held until the perfect time.


I am terrified for all humanity. I Will drill it in my head. No carbs. Starts next week. Good thing, Terry asked today. I am already coaching my pitiful frame into not eating ANY CARBS!!!
No alcohol. Nothing sweet. Not even, any fruit. OH MY GOSH. He doesn't know, that my body is on it's way to my premenstrual cycle next week. Hell on wheels. BEEP BEEP!

That's okay. We run tonight. Between now and then, he will read this, and probably be killed instantly by my words.

As I am sure, the lot of you just turned into dust as well. Good luck.

"Southern trees have strange fruit to bear." Billie Holiday

Monday, August 10, 2009


I saw someone today that ignored me, as much as I ignored them. What a great feeling when you don't have to play nicey-nice, when the bottom line is, we just do not like each other. We can be cordial, but that's it. I do not want to sit in their lap and play kissey-face, and they reciprocate the feeling. Thank God.

No questions of why do y'all not like each other? Y'all should talk. Nothing. I don't like them, and they don't like me.

That's mutual respect, honey.

I tell ya, being the token single girl feels like being the token black guy of a scary movie. Except I'm not dead yet. Yet. They ain't a man alive brave enough to try to kill me. Besides, I have a special list of my enemies..... who pray for their pitiful little lives. (fearing the strike!)

The point? Is I could have them killed in their sleep. Consider this your warning.

I am terrified that Michael Myers is on his way to kill me. Living in the woods and all the previews to the new film, make me pee my pants. They have him at like 9 ft. tall. I mean, I get it. Hes a scary bastard. I understand, HE MAY KILL ME.

Listen, Micheal Myers, you ain't foolin' this little chicken. You're a killer. You want to stab me, you want me dead. Catch me first, asshole.

I check my shower every night, when I come home, go to bed, and even when I get up. What a fucking bastard. I bet you hide by the water hose. Ass.

I did dream about you, which is even more disturbing. I dreamed I woke up, and you were sleeping like a FREAKING lamb in the bed beside me.

More bullshit.

More analyzing of "there may be a killer in your bed."
Go ahead, call Lifetime. I may have just used one of their movie titles.

Anyway, Michael Myers, you old patronizing son of a bitch.....


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Howling

This is twice. I have had the very same thought. A very strong thought. Something, I couldn't imagine saying. The first time, it was a full moon cycle also. The first time, was in a cemetery.
The first time, again, was with Sue. This thought, came out today as we pulled into Arbys.....
A thought, that just popped out of my mouth, without thinking about it before saying it.


It will feel like jumping into a stream in the mountains. Think, early May.

Skin,red. Shivering.Blue lips.

1, 2, 3.......

I think I will meet my husband soon.

I know what you're thinking. How, Paula, could you formulate such equations with the fact, you do not want to unlock your emotions for another person? Something like falling in love with another man, would be such sacrifice, that would be like opening the gilded cage so to speak.
As funny as it is, to me..... how pretty of a thought. How random of a moment.

How unbelievably overwhelming.

Nothing but.... happiness.

What if that means.... my heart isn't as cold as I secretly fear?

What if, the future Mr. Paula Northern, is on the other side of the door?
Holding his breath, just as I do? How captivating of a thought.
What an amazing apparition of What WILL be.

Listen, I am drunk on Love. It's true. I realize, more and more, in this storm the fact is, people really care for me. In a Christlike manner even. I have friends who are opening up their homes, children, spouses, lives for me. A capacity to give me, selfless Love. How breathtaking.

The validation, I have been given. Prepares me. For more.

I discover, my very best friends worry about me meeting someone new. A valid reason to worry. They worry, as I have discovered through last night, and today..... You all really wonder about me meeting someone. That's valid.

Of course, I cant guarantee the fact, that when, I do.... meet someone, um, appropriate for me to get a long with.....
A person to explore the other realm of my life, as a woman who is a set in a pair...
Is daunting.

Monopolize the other time line, I try carefully, (believe it or not....), to not think about presently.
Because, when things come around, or shake the snow globe of present life.
We will all get a little bit scared. I'm just the rabbit chasing time.....

It just has to happen.

But, it cant just be some shmoe off the street. It cant be just"anybody." Right?
I mean, you are not puttering around your home, teetering in your marabou trimmed
high-heel night-night slippers, and hating every minute of it?
Are you? Consider counseling, if you do feel this way.


I cannot, will not, be with a person who isn't creative. I would be one of those "Walking fish" you find out in Texas and Mexico...... except, this mermaid would be fluttering said eyelashes, and working her way out of said "invisible rope."

I need an outlet. Plain and simple. I wish, I had disposable income, and a set outline, of what my life is to be..... Travel, art, concept of beauty in the ordinary.

I will need someone to appreciate my method of madness.... and not a fucking pat on the behind.

I want to be in the middle of an English cottage, serving tea, preparing tarts.
I want Tyler Fucking Durden, but with an element of manners.

I don't want to be 40 years old, and have my first child. I don't. That's 11 years.

Think about where you were 11 years ago. Exactly. Nothing like today.

I don't want to continue dreaming. I want to LIVE the dream.

Not the dream I had Monday night. Which was, terrifying. Emotional. All at the same time comforting. I was dreaming pleasant, normal,beautiful things I like to do. Adventuring with Terry. But, in this dream, I had a baby. (This isn't fucking baby fever here, so do me a favor, and stop the judgement.) It was my baby. Yet, we were adventuring just the same. Climbing on rocks. Going into forbidden places. For the sake of Adventure. Life experience.

We were in this place, covered in kudzu. Going up these steps. (We were at the shore) At the top of the steps, there was a man. With a gun.

And, he shot my baby.

Then, he shot me.

Terry seemed to be nowhere and right there with me.

I clutched my child. Bawling, screaming, kicking. Dying.

The comfort, wouldn't ever be caught again.

But, you know what? All of my friends seemed to be right there. All at once.
We were on these cliffs.

No matter what you said, I was inconsolable. It didn't even faze me, that I had a huge bullet hole in the center of my body. I was in pieces.
(All the King's horse's and all the King's men, couldn't put Miss Paula back together again.)

My friends and family were a quilt. That covered me.

It didn't heal me. It didn't change the fact, my child, was dead. It didn't remove any bullet holes from my frame....

But, it did seem like time had passed.

And we were off the cliff.

Time apparently had passed. Further into my dream, Sue and I are driving on a road. We pass Victorian 2 story homes, with swings coming from the trunks of huge trees. We passed streams.
We went over bridges. We passed a parade. We drove by storefronts long abandoned.

Then. We were there.

We were back at the place covered in kudzu. By the shore. Looking up the steps.

We were back at the point of misery, broken heartedness, and dreams lost.

And she told me I had to face it.

Then I woke up.

This dream, further facilitates that I am a downright fucking genius. A genius can recognize her own weakness. She can trace down, and face what drives her, and demands her attention.

I am Mother' s Little Helper, dear.

She is love, love , love, love, love..................

And that is all this girl needs.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Guns Blazin'

That's the theme, baby. I am like a race horse, comin' out of the gate. You may have to step back, 'cause I might knock you over...... like a rock n' roller.....

I will admit, things started out pretty hairy this morning. We got up at 6, the boys lazed in the bed. I made breakfast, fed the boys, fed my Lady Bird. I fed the 2 stepbrothers too..... filled up all the water bowls and started working on myself.

I poured my coffee and flipped through a book or 10, listen to Hank Williams, plotted my day.

Do you know if the landfill takes old mowers? I have one to take, somewhere. And a weed eater. Both broken. An old tv stand too. Shit, that is just cluttering things up.

Updates? The farm? Looking spectacular. Bryan started bush hogging, and it looks great. I am pleased with how it looks. Monday morning, I really need to spray poison around the barn. Before work. It will be worth it. I need to try to prepare as much as possible. I hauled off the mountain of brush, Wednesday night. We had some trees cut, I hauled everything I couldn't move on my own. Terry and I worked on the smokehouse some. Patchin' holes. Will paint the plywood when it's done.
Terry bought me a gift! A book! A pin-up girl book! I love it!
Terry said he would work on the smokehouse while I am gone. And, maybe weed eat.
Do you see, how much I need you all?

Priceless moment, Tuesday. Bryan and I were discussing what needed to be done. And, I told him, I wasn't exaggerating!!! (This, helped me quite a bit, to feel acknowledged it also equaled feelings of empowerment.) Raging vomiting Tuesday, too. Half anxiety, half ulcer?
I believe, he couldn't believe his eyes, now in the thick of things.
It's so much work.
I am very thankful for his help. I am thankful for every one's help. Jamey and Rachel have some posts for me to build new fence. Yay!!! All the way around, it looks as if things are full circle. Trying, everyday. I have to know, things are better.

My weekend? Has plans of nothing but fun, and relaxation. I am cutting hair!
Ash and George so far, and anyone else who can sit still long enough.
Got it, Josh? (insert big grin, here.) I hope for nothing but tomfoolery, and juggling children all weekend. I can't wait. I am hoping for big balloons, lots of coffee consumption, trampoline talks, whiskey moods, Goodwill stores, shenanigans...... take your vitamins......

I was able to see a glimpse of Angie and Abby Wednesday. It never is long enough to spend time with those girls. (I mean it Angie, take it easy!)
I love you girls!
I think, we can get there together......

I am learning so much as of late. For one, Never, ever, ever, put yourself in a compromising position. Always have a means of escape, and always do the right thing. Even, when it doesn't make sense, or you just don't want to. I know, the sin tastes so sweet, but I promise, the reward, will taste even better. My flesh? Usually wins over the pure brawn of things, and I will continue to try not fall for the folly. (Read Psalms)

I will choose wisdom, over being right. I will be the bigger person, even when they want to be the giant. I will not fail. I will keep running. I will keep eating right.


See, at this time, if you caught me out, and I saw a cage with chilli cheese fries in it....
it would be the only way to catch me.

What I mean by that, is I am blur.
Moving faster than speed, light, and ultimately time.
The essence of who I am, is coming out in such bright colors, and sounds, the special equipment couldn't be bought, it has to envelope you, and you, have to be willing to accept it.

A clip from my horoscope? "stick with artistic stuff to give you an outlet, and don't hesitate to give yourself plenty of opportunity to exit."
Pure fucking genius.(Read The Wall Street Journal, for guidance, and inspiration.)

This isn't a "Let go, and let Gawd" thing. It's a "Hey mister! I have been workin' hard for the man, and I need a smoke." Or drink. Or both. Just leave me on this rock to sun my belly, I swear, it's gonna help me. Therapy is expensive, church, in whatever form of worship you need, is free. (Not just a hat rack, my friend!)

I cant turn my back on what I need to do, either, but, a Paula without any play is a dull Paula.

Or however that phrase goes........

I love this side of me, when the puzzle pieces start coming together. I don't feel so frustrated.
Or stagnant. I feel useful. I feel, good. More winds, more storms will come. I will continue to pray for comfort. I also saw The Future Mr. Paula Northern today. He was a farmin' skateboarder.....
Wonder if he were a Christian? I'm just sayin'.... that combination would make me explode.

The ultimate Scooby Snack.

How did I know he was a skatin' farmer? His jeep had 1. A Pluto Sports sticker on it. 2. A sticker that said "No farms, No food." 3. I saw him get out of said jeep with said stickers.... too bad I was too chicken to say anything.... or notice if he had a ring on...... damn it.

He had little glasses on too..... I know, you cant judge a book by its cover.....

A girl can dream, right?

BTW, I am a seasoned boxer dog spotter. I can see them from a country mile. There are 2 who live on my road, about 2 houses down, and they live in a pen. I want to sneak down there and break them out. I would bring them to my house and love them. I would blow zuberts on them.
I have spotted 4 today. (Not including, Mr. Magnificent, Champ)

Da Vinci.
William Shakespeare.
Martin Luther.
John the Baptist.
They are the strange ones who challenged society with a different way of thinking. They were rebels and heretics of their day. But, Jesus WAS the non-conformist of all time.
That's one of the reasons I love Jesus so much. Such a brave man he was, when he walked the earth. What a forgiving Savior we can run to when it just doesn't add up. As you know, I pray.
Very hard. I have lists. Crumpled, torn prayer list. With names upon names, need upon need.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44

For me, living is for Christ,
and dying is even better. ----- Paul the Apostle. Beheaded in Rome, 65 A.D.

Remember the Lord's people who are in jail and be concerned for them. Don't forget who are suffering, but imagine that you are there with them. Hebrews 13:3

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. ------ C.S. Lewis

You all are constantly in my thoughts.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Things I Love

1. Jesus.
2. Mama and Daddy.
3. Myself.
4. The 3 Pigs and the 2 Stepbrothers.
5. You.
6. Adventures.
7. Creativity.
8. Sleeping with my mouth open.
9. Snuggling.
10. The Farm.
11. Old records.
12. Anything old and antiquey.
13. Knee socks.
14. Feeling good.
15. The Beastie Boys.
16. Figuring things out on my own.
17. Writing.
18. Picking up snakes by the tail.
19. Swinging on the barn gate.
20. Raising hell.
21. Drinking too much Jack Daniels on the rocks, dash of water, or a beautiful glass of Pinot Noir.
22. Anything I can redo. (i.e. pie saver, we swiped outta the smokehouse.)
23. Full Moons
24. Spending time.
25. Maintaining my mental health.
26. PIN-UP STUFF. (clothes, pics, books, vintage hairstyles.... ect.... ect...)
27. Fake eyelashes.
28. My chucks.
29. My freckles.
30. Looking for ghosts.
31. Loving others.
32. Feeling appreciated.
33. Any animal alive.
34. Trees.
35. Sugar.
36. Babies.
37. Dreams.
38. Fulfilled promises.
39. My birthday.
40. Cupcakes.

This, doesn't even touch the scope, but, it's entertaining!!!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

She Speaks!

All this time, I have been complaining God isn't speaking to me, or doing anything for me. Well, I heard a clip of a sermon the other day about how I (we) may not be able to go to the next step because, I (we) are not fulfilling God's present will in our lives right now!!! I feel like a big dummy. It's the truth, at least for me. What is my focus? The farm, (obsessed) my family, self, and dogs.

The big reason, I do not have a significant other, well, God did come out of the heavens today, and He spoke directly to me. I already have too much too handle. I already am playing in "the big game." So to speak.

I am, Dennis the Menace, "Sure ain't nothin' to do when its rainin' out." (Thank you, Mr. Wise.)
Who knows? The fall is nippin' at my heels. The yellow jackets and wasps are in full force.
I am, getting things done.

At least I try........

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Depression Verses Feeling Blue

I don't know, if I really know the difference. I can say, I am aggravated at a website right now. Huh? How can a website provoke such emotion? Well, it can. This said website promotes, more loneliness than promise that I could have ever conjured up in my on mind. And, I'm super creative. Apparently, I am aggravated with a whole slew of things.

Once again, I feel as if I do not bitch about things I can change. Now, I warn you, this blog will not be for the soft hearted today. If you have a cough due to cold, or faint easily, this one isn't for you.....

I am alone. Read that, over, and over. I cannot change this. I cannot force someone to fall in love with me, have feelings for me, or for Christ's Sake's, have them want to spend time with me. I cannot change this.

These are tough words to discuss. I realize this. A hard pill to swallow to the ones who do love me, and want to spend time with me. But, let's face it, you all have families, spouses, or girlfriends, partners... Obla De Obla Da, Life goes on...... Right?

I don't always want to come clean about the fact, I am jealous of probably everyone I know, and again, don't take this the wrong way, some of you claim to be jealous of me. And that hurts my feelings.

I cannot make someone love me. All I can do, is hope I catch someones eye who is strong enough for me. I am determined. I am a powerhouse of emotion and undying devotion. Honestly. I need someone who has the guts to be able to take care of me, and when I get upset, or aggravated, the know what to say, instead of treating me like a small doggie.

I cannot do everything on my own. Paula, reread this, and know it.... You, sweet girl, cannot do everything on your own. I need someone every know and then.

I had to have a tire changed again yesterday. I realized Daddy couldn't take care of it. It made me mad as a hornet. I just want things to change!!!!

Which brings me to my dream.

This morning, I had a dream about Sue and I going on another ghost hunting tour. We lived on the East coast, by the shore, Josh and Sue were married in the dream, no kids though. Anyway, we went on this ghost tour, and there was a ghost that was interactive with me. Threatening in a way, I was afraid in the dream..... we left the tour, got home, and Josh was like, I'm so glad you're home, there has been all kinds of scary things going on.... the ghost followed me everywhere I went. Our house was really neat though.....We decided to take a vacation and go on a cruise, but before we left, we had to go to my house in Tennessee. Sue and I were standing in the yard, and a deer was running to us. The deer contorted into a horse.... I told Sue, that horse is gonna kick you!!!! I got in front of her, and it did. It did kick, but it kicked me. And just as that happened this older man started to fight with me, and told me the farm was his, and to leave. I hit him. Smacked him, and told him this was my farm, and he better leave. Sue was all behind me, like hit him!!! Yeah, this is her farm!!!! And just as quickly as that happened, all 3 of us were on the ship..... before we pushed off, a woman had fallen to her death, and as we all stared at her lifeless body, the ghost picked me up, and threw me overboard. And I died.

In my dream, I could see me laying there. Dead.

It wasn't scary. It kinda gives me hope. If there is death in a dream, it promotes new beginnings.

So here's knowing. Knowing, feels better than hoping. I will however stop taking things at face value. Sometimes, there is hidden meaning in things, just like in my dreams.

Y'all should read Post Secret today. It's a good one.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Lou Gehrig, The Luckiest Man On The Face Of The Earth

My friends, this post will be mostly attributed to my Papaw Northern, and some of the reason why I love baseball. Lou Gehrig, had one of the most impressive records in my opinion, in baseball history. An exceptionally strong man, with humble beginnings. I am reminded, to mention, Lou Gehrig, played for The Yankees, a team, I like. Very much. Which will give Josh Nason plenty of ammunition to speculate why I like The Red Sox.... I just do, okay, big boy?
The Red Sox, are underdogs...... I will always root for the underdog....
it's a compassionate sickness, I know.
Self-inflicted, due to my tender heart.

Gehrig, who's wife, and I continue to speculate, if your brother, Mr. Nason, is just as much as a Yankees feller as you are, their child, who, to my knowledge still hasn't arrived.... will be named after, (intentional or unintentional), after Gehrig's wife. Eleanor. Just sayin......

Gehrig, was famous for being very strong. An unbelievable hitter, and to be struck down with illness, at such an early age, a man's life taken over from an illness called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

My Papaw Northern had this illness. There is no rhyme or reason for it. It just takes people. Now, Papaw Northern, built the house I live in. He built the barn I look at every day. He built the outhouse that still stands outside. The smokehouse that is falling apart in the front yard, and farmed tobacco, cattle, and anything that literally moved or could be eaten, or used as medication. Very active. Strong. Determined man. A man, I never met, due to the fact he passed away before Rachel was born, before, I was a thought in my parent's heads. Papaw Northern was a very young man. My Daddy, was fearful, he would not live past his Daddy's age.....

Look at him now, turned into the Bionic Daddy. My Daddy, is so strong. Which my Mama had doubted all this time. Daddy is doing so well, his projected turn around time, will, I know, be astounding. Daddy, will continue to shock and amaze us. Daddy tells ME things he doesn't tell Mama and Rachel. You see, we have an understanding. We have a lot in common with the fact, we have been seen as "underdogs." Proud as a peacock, baby.

Back to Gehrig, something else, Papaw, Daddy, and I share. We appreciate the deck of cards being dealt to us. Graciously accepting reality.

He gave a speech, which he calls himself, "The luckiest man on the face of the earth."
Brave huh? Strong huh?

"Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

"Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of America's greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I'm lucky.

"When The New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift, - that's something. When everybody form the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies - that's something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter - that's something.
When you have a father and mother who work all their lives so that you can have and education and build your body - it's a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed - that's the finest I know.

"So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for. Thank you."

------- Lou Gehrig at Yankee Stadium, July 4, 1939

So you see, maybe it's you all who should be jealous of the mountains I have to climb, and face on my own, so I can continue my own claim to fame, to join my own "Murderer's Row." (famous baseball line-up) (shut-up, Josh, I know, you that......but not everybody else will....)

I do love you, and I do, mean it!!!!!!