Friday, August 28, 2009

Stubborn Beauty

Honey, I'm home.

Atlas, please, take the world off my shoulders today. I gladly pass the cup. I am refusing to feel bad today. I'm not really sleeping, it's raining, I'm really angry, but what the hell, I'm in a great mood. I'm in a shabang of a creative mood. (I swear, that money had a picture of Billy Graham on it.)

Eating taco salads, and laughing through the diet coke, clarity, was on the rise.

I am playing pretend today. This may be my new coping mechanism. Honestly, it looks good on me too. Just like the pink skirt I am wearing later today. My outfit change tonight has compelled me to feel good too. It may be a disaster. I will be cold, but, I can't wait!

As long as I don't light the dynamite, things will be okay. Even though, I love to flip a bic, strike a match, start a zippo. (adding gasoline, now!)

My heart can't stop. Shes very loud. The largest organ, (really, its the skin), but mine is too animated to be taken lightly. The beating is what you are hearing right now. Its loud!!!

Take your time. Go ahead, listen. Sweet music for the hopeful!!!

I am writing out all ideas, even if I don't feel like elaborating on them, or taking them to the new level, Collaboration. Out there. On the move. I'm ready to go.

The rain, afore mentioned? May have given me the cleansing, I have been craving. It has improved my mood drastically. My mood prohibits me to turn out acceptable work. I feel very shameful, when I cant produce beautiful fruit. I let myself down, when, my mood is pissy.

Maybe, I was waiting for it. Waiting, to not be eaten by alligators. Maybe, only listen to my voice.
I believe, i will continue on, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!

Keep on, keepin' on......

I'm wanting. Very much. I want to be outside. Knee sock bound. Going through caves.
Helicopter rides. Stopping the car. Going up that hill of rocks.
Doing things. (Tasks)
That do not make sense.
Not admitting defeat, but doing anyway.
Cutting your fingers, and applying the band-aid.
Wanting not to refrain!!!!

There's Part 2.
Part Deux.
Chapters, 1 through 4500. (Whatta long book!)
Following what feels right, even if it "APPEARS" wrong. May be, the correct solution.


Circumstances, should never define you.

Broken window, heart, leaky roof, uncommon ground, sheer frustration.....
Batten down the hatches!!!!

I don't know where I am going, who is looking @ me. Or my actions. I cant ask, or anticipate all the time. Reflection. Bottle fed predictions.

My breathing feels healthy today. I am not having those heavy thoughts that penetrate me like a shard of glass. the thoughts, I meticulously, put in order, and have packed neatly in my suitcase of a brain.

I am making progress with my book.
I need help with the illustrations though......

2 confessions. I had a little biscuit with jam on it. And, I love sex in the daytime.
(Afternoon delight!)

Broken bones. Baggage. You just were not the right choice. I'm not afraid of that. Not in the daytime. Make me whole once again, disregard, you were doing something that frightened you. The drive in you, and the drive in me, got lost together. No matter how brief, filled my soul. You were so weak, you couldn't bear my strength. The fear bred you to run, it prompted you to forget anything good, or true. I couldn't fathom the hold, I even considered myself independent. It proved to be too much, unsettling. It was a debt, you or I couldn't repay. There's no rhyme or reason. There's no way to fix to it. You couldn't even say I'm sorry. Apologize, or even just pretend, it was going to be okay. I can understand. Sometimes, its better to close doors, forget where you hid the key, or if you gave it to your baby sister to swallow. Now, just like a tootsie roll pop, the world, may never know.

The cost, too steep, and investing in the short term seemed to be more cost effective. It bled you dry. It cut you to the bone. My vision, or my lack of willingness, broke the camels back. It left me more confused. Not heart broken, just damaged in a way. A girl who usually gets what she wants. I do. Usually, I win. If I'm interested, I reap the reward. Not this time. You are a raging buffalo, and I cant blame you. I guess, you get what you pay for. The price tag was worth more than the "medicine." I urge you to find the correct way. To find your Princess Leia.

My Medicine Man only works for trade though. He's not really like the one in Wayne's World, when the Indian leads Wayne to Jim Morrison in the desert. Think more, Natural Born Killers...... when Mickey and Mallory encounter the Indian. (I think it's more of a flashback), none the less, be wary.Who could blame you? Monsters are not your enemy, nor mine either. It's our brains. Our big brains. (Thank you, Vonnegut) But this, is from me dear......

It's the muscle you rely on, and that has gotten you into so much trouble.... the thing that has hindered said progress, as an individual. Mine, my brain, turns me into a ward of the state. Criminally insane. Cripples my spinal cord, it does. Allows me not to be strong.

Today though, I suppose, I am the Mistress of this plantation. I demand respect, vision, and clarity. I declare! Step off! Before I release the dogs!!!!!

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