Saturday, February 26, 2011

Me & Mrs. Jones

I have been triggered. It's too early to say why. Or how long it will last. I had oatmeal and peanut butter with bananas for breakfast. Did that help? Possibly. It could be the protein helping me to think a little clearer. Yesterday, was a fog. I was walking around like a kitten wearing lead boots. Yes, it was that serious. I had to focus on the little and big things. Which was exhausting. Which drained me. Which made me not want to talk. Or admit anything. Or even feel relevant. Those days are sure to come. Like Mama said, there would be days like this. Still not reading as I should be. LBD is on the road to recovery. I love how sweet her eyes are. She is the best behaved. The yard is a muddy mess. I'm hoping to see the yard recover as well.

Daddy and Joey cut down the rose bush in the old yard. The rose bush is as old as my sister. But it was a monster. It will grow back. At least I hope so. Have you ever noticed how the things you want to change, burn down and start all over again may not be the things that actually change? Or actually ever come to fruition? The thing is, we might chase that bunny rabbit down the hole, but we may not land in wonderland.


I've lost weight. But not pounds. I'm hoping to keep losing weight. The weight on my shoulders. Looking for the doom and gloom. Although, I usually put the voodoo on March. March is a weird month. It's like the ghostbusters opened the ghost vault thingy. All the spirits come out of the thingy? Combined into the puff man? All I remember is Beware the Ides of March.


Dont call me superstitious. That label will just make me mad, and give me heartburn like orange juice does.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Who made who?

Drastic times call for drastic measures. Instead of the 'knight in shining armor" mood, I'm trying to get into those skinny jeans noted "p doing it her own way". I'm much more inclined and educated in the whole "p doing it her own way" philosophy anyway. I'm stuck. Help me. Unsure what to say when asked how anyone can help. Turns out, I just have to say whatever will help.

I'm going to try to explain the best I can. If you have seen the movie Inception, do you remember the parts where the dreamer points out to the gal about when all the people in the dream start staring at her and becoming hostile? I feel like that. Like ima something that doesnt belong. Foriegn.

and it makes me ancy.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

mom, i think your date is a vampire

I had a dream about vampires last night. for sure, vampires. the only difference in the the books and movies is that these vampires were taking the blood out of my arm with needles. not their teeth. weird. they had fangs and the whole bit. i also had a small dog named Chloe. even more weird. so weird.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Rocketeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hello from Spaceland. This is my residence. If you see me out here, dont be afraid to reel me back in. I need reminders. I actually starve for them. Read again - I actually starve for them. My little scatterbrain is similar to the teapot on the stove. Leave me unattended, and the screeching begins. I need to talk about focus today, or lack thereof. I need to be serving my loves, and not serve these distractions that only fill my cup momentarily. It isnt fair to the ones in my life actually sitting in the front row, paying attention to my faint little heart.

I'm not perfect. I know, right? I saw a really cool picture on my friend's blog. She is a photographer. It wasnt her picture. For some reason, I find that fact relevant. This picture, reminded me that I am not perfect. But in a good way, and ima alright with it.

Back to my lack of memory. I eat fish. Those little coils in my brain should be well lubed from the oil. Er, I think it should be. Im in the mood to travel. Im in the mood period. To just do something.

I am dogsitting. Shocker. I am running amok. amok, amok, amok. I am struggling with the fact I dont get to see the people I admire and love more often. Personal disappointment.

Oh well.

YOu know that word adventure, which feels like the driest part of your mouth in the morning?

That part, adventure. It is dry. Mine is. As dry as the driest part of my mouth in the morning. I see it though. Just as I see a large glass of water. That would address the parchness. That glass of water. Per usual I find myself stuck. Stuck becauseImafraidtomove. Stuck becausenooneseemstowanttogowithme. shew.

is it lack of effort? will just driving hereandthere help? Possibly. Imasureitwould.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I might be insulted!

I am Isis. Or, I feel strangely like Isis. I am empowered by my thoughts, and only by my thoughts at this time. Encouraged by a few in this world, and that's all it takes. Anyone is allowed to jump in at any time too. Don't be shy. I'm having one of those confused, contorted battles with self esteem. Knowing so much better that my value is within me. Not within what I do, or who I do it with. This does matter that it is still happening. I might be low on the totem pole, but not in my eyes. I'm number 1. The head honcho. I still get disappointed when I have to, have to. You know, muster up that fake smile to just do what you have to do. Ima feelin' like I want to go out in a ball of flames. I confess I have felt this way for some time now. Like middle fingers blazin, type crap. True story. Scary story. Ima wantin' to. Real bad like. All John Wayne wrapped up in a bacon covered Johnny Cash style sandwich. I dont want em' seein' it comin'......

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Give a Little....

dang. i miss dress up.

that is all.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

TGSM

Dear Smoky Mountains,

I miss you. Even though I see you from the porch, Clingman's dome. I miss you. You are so close I could touch you, but I can't. I miss you like mad. I dream of you, and pretend to be walking inside your park. I dream of all the little flowers sleeping beneath the soil and the snow. I miss that I could cross a creek on some rocks, even if it does make my belly funny when I do it. I miss those smells. I miss the trails. I miss seeing the AT. All the little birds and nests, the moss laying gingerly on the rocks. I miss sitting close. I miss that "smoke." I miss ya. I want you to know. My passion lies within you. You are my comfort. I love finding animal tracks. I love those lingering animal smells that make you all up. I miss those rocks. The freezing cold water. Even in July. It's cold. But, gracious, it feels sooooo good. Who cares how purple my legs are? I dont. I miss the falls. The salamanders. Those crawfish!!! The graveyards. Hiking you, taking you in, finding those places in my mind that I miss. I hug you. Please continue to to think of me, and hold me close as I hold you. I will see you soon.

Monday, February 7, 2011

1

What to write about? Any successful writer knows to write what they know. Everyday experience. I should do just that. Circulation. I forgot how to do things on my own. And, not to toot my horn, but I am darn good at doing things on my own. True story. I think I forgot how to survive on my own. I started relying on anything, anyone else and not basking in my own, "ownness." Reminded how support is not guaranteed. Support is a thing you can give yourself. Which support in self reliance, is guaranteed. Seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

This is my journey.


My left eye is hurting! My left eye is swollen! It's like I overused it or something. Strain. Er, maybe my eye is catching up with my brain. 'Cause it sure is in strain mode. I have been in hurt mode too, and even though I feel like I'm to blame.... that isn't true. I have been in guilt mode. Then, deprivation mode. 2 very real struggles. Up and down, riding the roller coaster known as me. Call me extreme.


Try to feel from within, rather than judging and looking at what's on the outside. Claire Dederer

Pratyahara. (Look that one up.)

With a 4 month old, new widow.

Beverly had said "100s told me to call if I needed them or if I needed anything." "I told them all I wouldn't call." "Out of those 100s, only 1 came and showed up at my house."

Easy to forget the 100s, but not the 1.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Take it or leave it.

Ima doin' somethin' 'bout it.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tornado - Jitterbug

Extreme weather is the theme. Of my dreams.

"To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. (Who me?) Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? (No, not really. Just my own bad behavior.)

To dream that you are in a tornado, means that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. (Yowtch.) Your plans will be filled with much complications and you will be met with a series of disappointments. (Yowza.)

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. (Or, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?) It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship." (Great Lake Junaluska!)

I found this interpretation from Dream moods. I think I could be a dream interpreter, and I also believe this could be spot on. Not that I'm a bad person, just a gal on the road of life. Feeling a little complicated at the moment. Not that I have bad people in my life either. I have a few passionate people in my life, and when a couple of passionate people get together.....ya know! Kaboom! Like fire and gasoline!!! We just have to respect each other. Just like fire and gasoline, both effective, useful items. Still no beuno to mix, but these folks are valuable for my survival! I'm learning this again and again. The balance. The ultimate success formula. As is yours, mine is unique. Too much like snowflakes, no two folks are alike. It's misdirecting that passion that lands our rears in hot water. Speaking for myself only here.

I dunno if we ever find balance. I understand the theory. Just having trouble with performance.

Wake me up before you go-go, P