Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Inspiration from Bowie

Or more inspiration from Bowie. I heard him say he would be an excellent Catholic due to the fact he is such an idea purger. I kind of paraphrased that. Whatever Bowie comes up with, it comes out. I understand. I understand that relentless want, just to get it out. Except the difference between Bowie and I, is he actually finishes his purging. I start. Violently. Then I putter out. Except I become overly compulsive, defensive. Stripped. I purge to try. Bowie purges and claims victory. The very truth is, I just need help. And the truth is, all my life lines are far away. Through mostly no fault of their own. Then I have to create my own life lines. Then, I'm way too isolated to be reached by any soul. I cut myself off. At least that's what I believe. Listen. I'm belting my pants. Tight. I gotta get a hold of everything sliding out the front door. Therefore, in comes the purging. I'm really not trying to confuse you, or lose you, I'm trying in earnest to explain. The next few months are going to be hard. I'm not joking. The more I open my eyes and realize it, the better off I might be. The more I am willing to let go of, the more I could gain. And that sounds peaceful.

Monday, December 27, 2010


Dedication is a careful practice. Hard to hold onto. Easily forgotten about. I gotta rework this whole thing. This whole isolation thing. This whole "let me pat you on the rear, just to pacify me for a moment" thing. I'm not sure when everything fell apart for you. Do you remember? The day you gave up and just had expectations for everyone but yourself? That way, surely, you weren't disappointing life, life was supposedly disappointing you. I am learning to let go even more. And that hurts. I sometimes feel like my heart is impossibly 5 sizes too small. Just to fit in. I didn't freak out when you embarrassed me in front of the family. I took the chance to get through it and enjoy the time I had. Even though, it was tough. No excuses anymore. But, I wont give up. Even though I am fighting not to. I'm right here. I did explode just like you though. I always do. I get to a point.... and I explode. Which isn't how I need to live. I don't want to be pushed away just like you don't want to be pushed away. Wheres the effort? My heart is broken from the way I made up life growing up. Maybe it wasn't made up.

My comfort today comes from Galatians 6:9-10. "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially those who are of the household of faith."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I bit my lip....

Christmas is on its way. Believe you me, Im just as nervous as the rest of the nervous nellys I lead. I flatter myself into thinking I have lackeys. But, thats how I roll... all presumptuous like. Let me begin with Tuesday. Day off. Finish shopping, and get my annual text from my mother a few days before a major holiday telling me what time to swish by. Really. Thats what happens. Its ok. Im a survivor and all that Beyonce talk. One word to describe Tuesday. Meltdown. Inside. I get all zombie eyed and zone out. B and Jme were all, its ok.....I was all, No Beuno! I am finished. Which was a surprise. Usually, Im still plotting and flipping out, and angry at myself for not making my lists earlier. whatever. I was probably more nanners than the actual mall, which if you didnt know, is part of my essential charm. I am a total drama queen, and comparably so to Champ as explained by B last night. Last night. Was. Weird. B came up to stay and tried to sleep in my midget bed that is usually reserved for me and Champy and Tiger. 1 midget and 1 normal sized man in one bed, you guessed it! No beuno! Champ paced the house. Tiger perched by the stove. We were all up all night. Restless. Because of the midget bed. Oh well. I am glad B came to visit before he has to work the entire weekend. B goes back to work Christmas Eve! Can you believe that? All because "The Man" says so. I no likey "The Man." On a lighter note, I hope your Christmas is Merry no matter the time or way you celebrate it! Meow!

P.S. Grandma got ran over by a Rieendeer was written by a Veterinarian. It's true.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Begone Naysayers!

I don't know how much time you spend with only yourself, but my coping mechanism is digging deep, finding that uncomfortable feeling in my belly, and trying to understand it. Also, just coming to the resolution that only you can be you, and only you can make yourself truly happy with yourself. That's the hard part. No one else can make that happen.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dangerous Battle

It's time to tell you. A little about time travel. I had dreams last night. I dreamt of the future and possibly dreamt of the past. Generally speaking, I'm just trying to get through a day at a time. Since I decide to remember my yesterdays, it teleports me to the future. Although uncertain, the future is on it's way. I'm at a crossroads. Maybe because it's Christmas, or that it's December 2010. I'm not exactly positive. I am sure eating my way through this month is a horrible idea. I am certain I am pushing all the ugly thoughts in my head, and new words appear. Responsibility. Self-Discipline. Discernment. Ah. In that all too familiar battle with self and want. Even though I push the selfish little bird out of her nest, she always remembers her beginning. I remind her that it's all a matter of time. As usual, she hates to hear this, so she generally leaves. But not without a fight. Not without (almost) torment. I ask her to let it go, feel better soon! She doesnt appreciate the "Get well soon" card I send her after she leaves. That's her nature, unappreciative and focused soley only on herself. After time, she gets ahold of herself, and eventually lets go.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Sometimes, life is boring. Blah. I hate that life is just boring sometimes. That makes it all even more boring! Life on an island is boring too. We all want what is just out of reach. Keep fighting the good fight and all that jazzzzzzzz. See? I fell asleep just typing that! I feel like the epitome of patient. Ah, the life of of a martyr. Never ending. (Insert laugh here.) There are times when I just feel dead. Horrible. But we all know God promises good things.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

That verse is an example of God promising good for His people.

Pastor Greg Laurie, helping me once again, "There are really two kinds of people in the world: those who are going through a crisis and those who will go through a crisis." Either one that you are, have faith. Keep hoping. Don't give up. And don't forget to encourage each other. I mean, I feel as if I'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean. But I still look for you, and know that you are there.

For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. Matthew 5:45

In this verse, I think He is saying, it doesn't matter, good or bad, whatever we think we are. Keep hoping, and understand the things we go through isn't about hurting us, or He is against us, He loves you just the same no matter the circumstance or divide.

Perception is a matter of vision. Look past it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


True motives of our heart will be laid bare, and the Lord will evaluate our entire lives. This is an excerpt from Pastor Greg Laurie's blog. It is a chilling and honest look at how our hearts will always tell the tale. Some say, think with your head, not your heart. This apparently isnt always true, and not always the best medicine for a person. Sometimes, we are shrouded in such bitterness and hatred that our evil little hearts will not allow us to look past ourselves. There are times when our hearts lead us down a path to enlightenment and feelings of wholeness. The truth is, we have to be honest enough to look within ourselves, our own hearts and allow Christ Jesus to heal us and be ready for Him to come. Because He is coming folks. Jesus is coming this Christmas to minister to us, just as He ministers to me everyday.

God met us there and united our hearts with purpose and a passion to see it through. This is an excerpt from Marybeth Whalen on Proverbs 31 ministry blog. She was talking about finances, a thing taken for granted by everyone every day. I believe in making personal mission statements and obtaining goals. Realistic goals, and Ms. Whaley's statement struck me with hope. More talk of hope today, I'm way too ahead to give up. This post is pretty erratic, but I don't have much time. I at least wanted to point you in the direction in where I am. (or going)

Fear the Lord, you his saints for those who fear him lack nothing. Psalm 34:9

Saturday, December 4, 2010

No Parking!

It's no secret I love to write. It's no secret I can be erratic. I hate it when the 2 run together though. I become discouraged, I suppose. Or I think I have to be writing with purpose, and that makes my erratic brain just go haywire. I don't think I need to try harder. I think I just need to do what feels natural. My body is in a real weird rhythm. Sporadic. Almost. I get it. I eat. I drink water. All the time it seems. I love sugar, crave alcohol. Then, my body flips out. Just like Champy did last night.

I have discovered, that isolation brings nastiness over me. In my attitude, in my overall health. I am hoping for a different path soon. And we all know how I feel about hope, right? Thank goodness we can always hang on to that tangible hope.

I am glad, however, I am not like everyone and everything else. There is a difference. It's in me, and it's in you!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hope Floats - Dang it, Sandra!

Believe it or not, our purpose of life is everywhere, especially when we can actually have the courage to see it. Which is difficult, and sometimes a bitter place. Hidden hope is also a thing we have to have the heart and courage to look for also. Don't take hope so lightly, discouragement will follow. And don't get me wrong, I'm ready to get this rocket ship off the ground just as much as you do. My eyes get weary on the horizon. Maybe I look too hard on occasion. We all have those moments where we take a big step back and ask, "Is this my life?" Always answer with a hardy yes. This will also take a huge amount of courage, but it can be done. We blaze through the steps and just look at the possible outcome. Well, chickens, outcome is never predictable, and hardly ever looks like what we wanted to accomplish in the first place. That, is okay! It might be different. It might look like an ostrich when you asked for a sleek panther. Grab that ostrich and live the love out of it. Which is all we can do, and realistically, ask ourselves to do. At this point, we have way too many to-do lists, way too many expectations, when all in all, we gotta give ourselves a pat on the back to keep moving forward. We made it this far, sucka, and I will keep going! When the will dies, we die. Even when we can't admit it. It's written all over our faces. It looks like yesterday's mascara underneath our eyelids. Keep in mind the ostrich. Live the love out of it, and rebuke the naysayers.

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:13-14