Saturday, October 31, 2009
I received my answer last night when I fell into a blissful, slobbering sleep with the dogs.
Er, let me retract that statement, Champ layed on me like a napping toddler that had too much candy and finally collapsed into my arms for refuge. Champ, as you know, helps feed the mother in me. He is my connection. I love the other dogs, but Champ is an actual baby. I imagine panicked moments of the dogs being in trouble. Getting lost. Following their noses. Listen. If I begin to think about my little Champ lost and alone, I begin to have a huge panic attack. What am I driving at here? Well, I want to be just like everybody else. I want to open the door and find (a human) waiting for me, holding the fort down and being able to deal with the entourage of dogs. Oh, and having them like it. And take it seriously. And really having a clue how much my puppies mean to me. This, is my need.
What I am about to say, please don't take it the wrong way. In my short little life I have had (like you) trauma and drama fall my way. I have had to redo. Start over. I spent 7 years with a man who wouldn't EVER marry me. A man who didn't think anything was important but his JOB. (but that's a bartender for you.) Ha. I laugh very lowly, cause I have been played a fool over and fucking over. It's embarrassing. I then was married to Captain Douchebag who constantly reminded me I wasn't ever his equal. I never worked hard enough. I never did enough. I didnt make enough money. I caused stress. I didn't fucking love football. I WAS A BURDEN to this man. How do I know? Because he told me. Often. Then to torture me just a little more he would say shit like, "You know I love you." Then expected me to act like a stripper and suck his dick when he felt he needed it. I played along. I hate conflict. He had me trapped and convinced I loved him back and couldn't ever live without him. He devastated me. He ended me. I thought I was dead. I was in shock for probably a year. A YEAR. Here's the bitchy part. Think twice before fucking up your spouse's day. Get up. Help. Just fucking help. We can all say I love you. But are you fucking showing them? I remember saying these words to Bryan. Before dating him. It was a Tuesday. He had come over to do some work. I had a meltdown. I mean a sobbing, stomach hurting, meltdown. I used his shirt to blow my nose. I sat in the yard and SOBBED.
I grabbed him, I looked him in the eye, and said, It wont ever matter what you say to a woman, it will only matter what you show them in your actions.
I was so mad that day. I was so angry.
He empathized as much as possible.
That day that man watched me eat a plateful of pancakes. And survived.
This is how I know Bryan has it together. To be able to date me. I know how much doubt I have been full of? Can you blame me? With my baggage, my trauma and drama? Do you know how irritating it is to want to feel good about him and I haven't been able to? I have had a breakthrough, right? I actually call him my BF. Alright, I'm still a cowardly lion when it comes to this realationship stuff, but I'm trying.
I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.
Let's get together, K?
Friday, October 30, 2009
I love that quote. It sums me up. It creates a net for me.
Dreams of the week? Terrifying. Especially the night before last. I had dreamed of all people I was with Casie and Terry. We were helping some people move from our church and it all seemed like the right thing up until the end. I dreamed their house burned to the ground and the spot that was left looked like a demon's face. I proceeded to dream the people we had helped turned into demons also and then devoured my human flesh. Sketchy huh?
Dream on Tuesday night? Sue and I were antiquing in this abandoned town. It was nightfall. It was so cute, but there was no one there. The shops were set up. We were shopping away. It was all too "House of Wax" for me though. The second part of my dream it's daylight and Sue and I are walking on the beach. Bryan is there but he's dying. (Awful thought!) But his body is floating above the water, a la "Gladiator" (when he floats above the grain and sees his family in the movie.) Then, that was the end of the dream. Flippy outty baby.
Here we are. Friday. Finally. I am obsessing over a few things right now. 1. My Brandy (my cousin) had a birthday and I flipped out about it, and I'm constantly singing "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" by Bob Seger due to the fact Brandy and this song goes together. We "possibly", "maybe" have been at a "supposed" Food City in glorious White Pine, TN and may or may not have danced a little jig to said song. Just sayin'. I love ya gal.
2. Obsessing over church. Work. Call or not to be on call. I need new clothes. Desperately. I have been unable to attack said list from yesterday's post due to the fact I was on call. I didn't have a ton of time.
3. Singing the John Cena theme song in my head. ALL THE TIME. For really no reason.
4. I just realized how jam packed busy I am going to be this November. Okay, really starting now, this day, all the way to the end of November. Angie's birthday is right around the corner. Rock slide or not, I'm coming to Cackalacky Tuesday. Even for a "thirty-something,"(your words) she's still gorgeous and breathtaking. I am slammed with dog sitting gigs right now. G-O-N-E to Georgia November 7th. WORKING, PLAYING, terrorizing said Nason Household and I can't wait.
I really need a game plan. I need to get back into scheduling out my day like I used to. This way, I'm not forgetting. Being lazy or just keeping my head in the clouds. Have I mentioned how busy I am? It's bullshit. I ain't pointin' any fingers, but...... I am doing everything I can. My evening? Concluding my term with the T&C, I am going to see Gary at the tanning bed, bring him heart worm preventative, run home, kiss dogs, take out trash, change clothes, medicate said dogs, give them sustenance so they can continue living, fight off and feed the vicious stepbrothers AKA "The cats", get my shiz together so I can go work out, go see Daddy cause it's his BIRTHDAY!!!! HOLLA!!!!! Not necessarily in this order, but this is the type of shenanigan bullshit I do on a daily basis. Have I mentioned the rat's nest on my head? It's a nightmare. I need to change the sheets on my bed and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP and not have awful nightmares and have all my ducks in a row for tomorrow.
Cause Govnah, that's when it's gonna be busy.
Notice how much I'm growing? And it's not painful at all!
(P.S. I'm rap's MPV - this is obvious, right?)
P.P.S. GO YANKEE'S!!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I will not be losing my shit over things I cannot control. (Who am I kidding? This is a part of my personality that should be embraced.)
Clean out my closet. Say good bye to the things I DO NOT realistically wear/with holes/coffee stains/shit that doesn't fit. Do you hear me? Shit that doesn't fit!
Work out. For one hour. Daily. I did it Sunday, and I can do it again.
I am looking forward to my trip to see The Nason Family in beautiful Possum Holler. Er, Tallapoosa, GA. I love to visit them. Lots of of love waiting there. Lots of love haulin' ass from Tennessee right back at 'em. I have a confession. I am DYING to work with Sue. I know it's not REALLY work, even though we both need to be focused enough and not hungover from said cocktails and ever seductive trampoline laying. I have been writing down ideas. Not just for our work time, but for shits and giggles with a woman I have professional and personal respect for. Susan Nason's talent outshines most mortals. Too bad she is overlooked due to PURE IGNORANCE. I am motivated by her perseverance. By her utter gall. For her courage. I am proud and greatly honored to be her friend and colleague. This is me, gushing over her and her work. Did you know that this wonderful bird is a self taught genius? Yep, I said it. Watermark that shit. Even over faces. You are not being bitchy, you are protecting YOUR rights. You are a maniacal genius. Yep, I called you a genius and I also celebrated said genius by marking you as "maniacal." I love it. Keep it up, and I can't wait.
Did I mention how badly I cannot wait to work with you? I have learned so much from you, just in conversation. Much less having you show me HOW to do something.
Captain, my Captain!
I am curious as hell about the abandoned building.
We need to be at The Pig. We need to discuss attire.
I am living to go anywhere with you outdoors in galoshes, overalls and cute toboggans.
We need to go ahead and pinpoint what we might shoot. Have a PLN/Nason Plan.
P.S. I love you Josh Nason. How 'bout them Yankees? Are you ready for the thunder? Let's all hope so.
Okay. I ordered a pimpin' Hunter S. Thompson t-shirt yesterday. I can't wait to wear it. I am back to a relatively normal reading schedule. I may have all these books read by the end of winter!!! How fun! I am going to church. It helps ground me and not be so crazy. It's great. I feel like I am living inside God's Will for my life. This is a proclamation, huh? I feel in my heart of hearts that it's the truth.
Have I mentioned how great it is to not be dating a douche bag?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
So sorry to keep from you all this time. I am as wide eyed as a child on Christmas morning, because...... drum roll please...... I am genuinely happy and the holidays are coming. To the ones who know my terror and lack of excitement last year, I am hoping this year will not make me feel as lonely or as much of a failure. Divorce changed me. Inside and out. The past 2 years have been so traumatic and tough for me. I have cried more and hurt more than I have ever hurt before. It has helped me in so many ways, again, I am grateful. Somehow, I am not a living zombie. I am a human being. Pink, and alive. So covered in freckles, no doubt.
Here I am though. Waking up. I am the little munchkin sleeping in a flower in Oz. I still need to improve. It's such an elaborate process. I am an opus in progress. Respecting the Conductor.
Isn't how funny deceit is? Deceit is so attractive. So readily available. Everything we want it to be. Er, everything we believe we want. It's difficult to go through a life living, lying to yourself. I do it. I suppose we do what we know. Understand the frailty of making excuses and always sweeping it under the rug. We destroy ourselves in those awful, bitter moments. Those tender, seductive moments. Our comprehension of our emotions and stormy feelings. Convincing ourselves of the deceit. A lie. A fib. Told by yourself, about yourself. Lies believed others want you to cultivate inside so you can feel just as badly as them. Deceit surrounds us daily. We embrace it gladly, because it looks so great on everyone. Even me. Might as well accept it. Even if it is just my opinion.
Back to the subject of divorce, I have been able to distinguish when someone is trying to manipulate me. I will not allow it. It's crazy how WE allow others to determine our futures. Our choices. Listen dear heart, true love, true, true love doesn't expect unrealistic expectations. True love sees you for being human. Losing our tempers, melting down, just being fragile! That's true love. True love can be experienced between mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, neighbors, spouses, children. The list is long friend.
I hear the messages scrawled inside my head, and hope it all comes out halfway clear. I hope you understand my message, my need to reach out to you. I know the feeling is reciprocated somehow. I unlocked myself.
No longer a caged bird, unwilling to be embraced. I receive the welcome distraction. A new path. I have been dreaming. Daydreaming, day tripping, nightmaring, waking up in a panic.
Clearly, I am a different girl from last October. Brilliant.
I could scream it from the mountaintops I adore.
I feel damn near energized. Able to cope with the world.
Today I am making comparisons. To hamburger and fillet. Sure. Hamburger will do in a pinch, it will suffice and feed you well. Aint shit wrong with eating hamburger. But, if given the option I would rather eat fillet. Any time. Any day. Where am I going with this food reference? I am going to compare it to realationships. My realationship. With a man. Look, I'm just as surprised as you are. All this time pining away for something I wasn't sure of, and the whole time the sure thing has been in my backyard. Realistically, in my life my entire life. Grown up together. Went to school together. Our families have known each other for damn near eternity. Realistically in my adult life for the past 10 months. Cutting trees down for the past 3 months. Every Tuesday. Bush hogging. Weeding. Breaking his effing back. Out of friendship mostly. Out of proving himself. Willing to do the work even if it meant he wouldn't be rewarded in the way he wanted. Selfless love. We all know how bullheaded I am. If I don't wanna, I won't. Now I do. I do. I want to spend time with this man. I want him to take care of me. And he does.
AND HE WANTS TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The proof is in the sauce dog.)
I realize how effing crazy this sounds. Me, actually okay with terms like "boyfriend," "realationship," "partnership." I am overwhelmed. But happy. Bryan Cate is an exceptional man, and I feel blessed. So this is my shout out to this fella, and to let y'all know, I'm in business.....
And business is effin' boomin'.
Thank God for patience.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I am fasting today. Why? I fill brimmed to the top with toxins. My body does not feel well and I think it's due to stuffing it full of things with artificial colors and well, carbs. This is also my other compulsion today. I know, I know, it doesn't sound healthy, right? I focus on it until I convince myself to calm down. This entails me pounding water and looking in the mirror to make sure I haven't drifted away. Smart, huh?
I am in this crazy "nesting" mode. I really feel as if I am doing this in empathy for Angie. If it needs cleaning, I have already busted out the bleach. What's that smell? No worries, I mopped. Laundry? Let me fold that for you. Just sit down, I will cook dinner. Hmmm? I feel fine. Just I need to take care of EVERYTHING. Let me, Okay?
I feel focused on Grace also. Grace is a distinctive kind of relating. Grace is a concept. Grace should be shown. To each other. To your spouse, child, parents, client, boss, down to the dental hygienist you don't really know. We should embrace this word Grace. I am aggressively pursuing Grace. Hopefully it shows, and due reward will come when I least expect it.
Alright. Pencils down. Terry and Ashley are due on November 15th. (I love you!) So you know, our hell raising has slowed down. I know! I hate it. I love to raise a little, and act like a crazy person. Back to reality, things change. Evolve. I just want my brain to keep up.
Tentative schedule as follows:
Eat a ton of beef. I feel extremely carnal right now, and steak will be the only thing to fill the void in my life.
Continue to be ahead. Continue to want to be ahead. Continue to just BE ahead.
Grace. Grace. Grace.
Maintain friendships and realationships that build me up, instead of forcing me down.
Know the future is bright.
It's a short one today, but I love you! Call me!
P.s. B and I may go to a haunted forest tonight, but I am super freaked out. EEEEEEEEEE.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I wouldn't ever imagine trying to change you into believing what I believe. That may not sound biblical. As you know, I fully trust in the bible. I stand by being a Christian woman. Jesus Christ was a man. He lived as a man, and died as a man. I believe he knows everything we all suffer from. Including PMS. He is that knowing. Back on track though. My point is I long to respect you as a person. Your family, or lack of. I am actually happy. I mean, not bullshitting you happy. I may be fully satisfied within myself and that is an amazing feeling. This feeling isn't drug induced, alcohol made, but this feeling has come from really, really, reaching inside and finding how rewarding my journey has been. I have always told you how grateful I am for how the past 2 years have been for me. I am grateful. Read again. I am grateful. I am transformed through fire, and I am a horse of a different color. Thank goodness!!! I love my stripes, I love the singed look that still burns. I am exceptional and I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.
Back to me, I still have 100 million emotional barriers to beat down with a baseball bat. How can I do this? Well soldier, I will continue to kick ass and take names. Remind myself what a potful of losers I have and had to sift through half of my life and try like hell to remain positive. Of course, the aliens attack and take over my life. That may have already happened. Wait. It did happen in string theory. I have dog shit on my shoe. It stinks. So what do I do? Soak the mother fucker and hope it comes off. Does it mean I'm not mad as hell about it? No. I'm pissed. I'm totally about to go ape shit.
I told you yesterday I would tantalize you with conversations with Vicky Clause. So here we go. I brought my comforter over bc she has a bad ass set of what she calls and what she believes is a washing machine and dryer. No. These things are from the future and tell me what to do. they have legs. Mind control power that I seek out. I am such a slave to these things I have to go to my parent's house and fill them full of said comforter and soap to pacify my mother and the "machines" themselves. I also give them a reach around, since that's the nice thing to do and all. I entertain Mama and she entertains me right back. We have many discussions about this that and mostly, my sister. Nothing bad, we just discussed her at length. It was beautiful yesterday and Mama starts talking to me about guns and ammunition. I grin. I love to shoot guns with Mama. She's so tough. One day, I'm gonna be just like her. You know, when I grow up.
We sat outside on the porch while Daddy was checking my oil and patting me on the back, the neighbor's dog comes up. Now she is not supposed to be off her runner, and you guessed it. She's a boxer. Her name is Heifer. Yep, Heifer. She's huge for a female boxer, but she's also intact. I mean, she isn't spayed. Daddy and I take Heifer back to her house and I love on her for a few minutes. I am a boxer spotter. It could be off the highway inside some one's house, and I could spot it. It's a freaky power, but the power chose me, not the other way around.
Just as I was walking out she brings up how there is an opinion about me in the greater Piedmont area. I am a beautiful girl, BUT. But!!!! I am high strung and high maintenance. I ask Mama what she said to these morons who obviously have never said ten words to me..... She responded back simply, "She's my baby, and there's nothing else like her."
I looked shocked but responded back with "Right back at ya kid."
Y'all are great, but I must transform into a bull/winged fire-breathing dinosaur to get through it all. Bye for now, but not forever.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I realize that such an occasion shouldn't have been as much fun for me as it was but, I had a blast. Angie picked my wiley ass up this A.M., and we rolled to the TDS mansion and dropped Abby off. I am very blessed to have an amazing support system. Just let me give a shout out to APW. She's the tits. She's the best, and I love her.
We laughed our faces off. My appointment was at 10:30. Biopsy actually performed?
I had overheard the doctor in the next room discuss with the resident with him, and he said that some women's cervix are "hard." And he also stated he had broken one before. This concluded me thinking in my head, "Are you hitting on me?" Or, "Is that a challenge?" how 'bout, "Are you threatening me?" Anyway, Angie and I giggled like third graders the entire time. We are grown women, but couldn't help to make jokes about our vagina's, and anyone else's vagina within earshot.
I need to let everyone know now, my attire was a carefully picked out "3 wolves and a moon t-shirt" courtesy The Nason Household of Possum Holler, Georgia. Thanks guys, best birthday present ever.
Still, while waiting Angie and I texted, again, laughed like crazy and remained as wild as hellcats. Fuck you, I'm Paula Northern and this is my amazing counterpart, Angela Puckett White. If you have any questions, I'm gonna blow your brains out. Kidding. Kinda.
The biopsy really wasn't that big of a deal. I was able to see a picture of my kingdom while they pinched off a part of my landscape. Yeah, they put a camera in my pocketbook today. Cool huh? To also let you know, I was numbed during said procedure and came out like a prized fighter.
The doctor and nurses got a kick out of my last name. Mr. Doctor Man asked how I could be so Southern, if I am a Northern. He also stated he didn't expect such a sweet, southern drawl. He charmed me right out of my pants, but he was also doing his job. So glad he did.
Long story short, Angie and I had Cardin's before she and Abby had to cut a trail back to Arden. Milkshakes, french fries, milkshakes. Heaven.
Listen, I love you. I will tell you later about shenanigans with Mama. It's an earful.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Appropriate stimulation..... and baby, you ain't kiddin'. What I am so shocked about is I am coming alive, waking up at the beginning of fall. I thought it would have happened in warm weather. You know, when I thrive. I suppose the surprise is better than what I imagined or scenario created in my mind.
I'm the kind of gal who shoots the moon. I put out the sun. Most can't be near me and not discover something they can't find intriguing about me. Sound confident? Sure. I am nowhere close to "being better." I am certainly "not healed." I would bet high, you love the taste of my name on your lips. It should taste as sweet as poison.
I want to tell you more, but I just busted through a plate glass window.
P.S. I am still madly in love with Bill Murray. He supplies the air in my effing lungs.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
See how I'm not so dumb in the now? Was the shoe on the other foot, and it was you who was so naive? I believe in uncontrollable movement. Constant impaired judgement. Creating change, and embracing change. I am more ambitious than a flightless bird dropping out of a tree. Except dropping, I spread my wings. I press out the juice, I unwrap the fruit, I use the meat to eat up the entire thing. Forgive me for not wiping my face, or using any form of etiquette. I refuse to be proper. I announce myself. I don't ask for any room, I make myself at home and become immediately comfortable.
Out in the open. Testing the elements. I'm not afraid of the title "purist." It is a privilege to be where I am. Lacking, sometimes. Not as a person, but in general. In contrast.
I am though, making the most of my opportunities. AND!!!! I can try harder.
The most cost effective solution? Well you gotta get bare boned and there's no choice but to get dirty doing so. See the rear end sticking up in the yard? It's just me working harder. I would be glad to meet you on the other side of the world. Keep that in mind.
All we can do is worry your efforts may go to waste. See here, I am not one to sit on my hands. Being a resourceful Tennessee girl my reputation surpasses me. Unless you believe in white lies. Let's roll p our sleeves and get ready to rumble. To my pleasant surprise, you were not as plugged in as I judged you to be. Take this as a dare. Hopefully the boyscout in you will be so curious you cant help but want to taste the adventure.
Strict on car chases? My intestines can take it. Why hold back?Being independent and in control. This is my victory. I love the shadow boxing and can embrace the theory. Acting is much more delicious. Satisfied a touch longer. It is encouraged to take it all in.
Increase the possibilities and refuse to count them out. I'm not as bad as you had colored me to be. I'm not scalping you even if your behavior deserved it. (What reward?) I am unstartled by the demons who like to play cat and mouse. Dually reminding me that if my measure isn't like everyone else's I need to start watering a few seeds. Do I love being alone? Maybe 80% of the time unless being suckered into another plot of inferiority or other forms of tomfoolery I am tirelessly being fed and led to believe. Then 100% of the time of just me, isn't so much to bitch about.
Your supposed wasteland is equivalent to my paradise. This is close to my heart. I am taking ownership of becoming an icon. I want to adapt to this award. I can only be the most intriguing Paula I can be.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Last night I did move the pie save on my own, and it looks glorious in the living room. Daddy ordered my gas for my stove today. Yay! I love heat!!!! I lined LBD's doghouse with cedar chips. I have cleaned, hauled off old dishes. Going to purchase new ones when I get in the mood, and refrain from freaking out. Yeah. Refrain.
I have a lot on my mind today so it's here and there. I know you are not surprised. If you care anything about this blog it's only bc it's a ridiculous account of my life and ramblings I write down about said life experiences. Hope you enjoy. The following is from Saturday on. Please, no reading in between the lines. Some of it is dicey. Some of it will knock your socks off.
I'm ready if you are. I have stopped myself over the past week (lifetime) from screaming, tantrum throwing, and out and out bedazzling the few who say they love me. I fight continually the bitch inside me that tries to suffocate the good me, or how she wants me to feel not good enough. Very comic book, eh? Very real. Very tough. I know the lot of you relate to how I feel. That bitch is a liar. I drowned her in the tub. With that said, let's get the ball rolling on the sea of emotion and passion that builds up. Constantly. You know those preconceived notions that we make up in our big brains, fill in your own blank here sailor....... those insecurities that make us impeccably human.
Sometimes I prefer living on the desert island known as my precious little house I have made for myself. It isn't desolate. In fact, it's a such a breath taking escape that you should be eaten up with jealousy. In my kind world, there is soap. Fantastic pastors. Colorful words slapped about. Smells of comfort, hammock swaying lightly in the breeze. I keep looking. And you found me. Fantastic.
Life takes it's measure, doesn't it? Remind us where we are and what we want out of life. Generally, I think it's all screamingly funny. People come and go. Some want your life to revolve around theirs. Some, act as if everything will end if they don't tell you what to do. Actually, there are folks out there who want you to believe they are cold. Yet, they feel just as lonely in a roomful of friends as I do. Too bad you might be too weak to admit it.
I don't have expectations, but I know a good feeling when I have one. Unreasonable demands? Only when you don't meet me in the middle. I am earning a place in the midst of others pairing off, and honestly, we might be on the same wave lentgh. I'm trying not to feel so entitled. I think mostly you want me, you imagine me just the way you want me to be. There's no harm in that. Remember, you love to hate me, and hate to love me. Sounds right. This isn't a bad thing. I inventory said fantasy of unrealistic. Unattainable. I understand the difficulty of having to admit the fact of the matter. Listen. I wont be available for long. This is how cocky I am. Realize the limited time offer. It's still unclear who turned away. Pursuit is a hard road to hold.
I don't need the back story. Quite frankly, I am not interested in back peddling. Only in moving forward. Half the time I don't want to know what you're doing. It would be good for you to remain silent. At least, halfway. Keep up the mystery. But go ahead and peek. Its like watching with your fingers in front of your face. You want it, but its scary.
Sue, I cant wait to do silhouettes with you. On pins and needles. Glad to see we are on the same page. I could care less how "far away" you are.
Back to the story, I was disappointed we couldn't consummate the deal. I mean, I thought you were too. That solved the riddle in my mind. If it did hurt, and you didn't like that fact, we should talk about my perseverance. I'm a fucking mountain goat when it comes working through it. Relentless wouldn't be a appropriate definition. I'm sure to answer the call. Shouldn't we be in the hall of fame together? I am looking for unreasonable temptation. If I'm in my prime shouldn't these limits be tested? If you've never had the best, how will you know until it happens? I bring it to the table, just in case you stumble upon this. If you are unmarried, unattached, claiming to be unattainable, just turned 19, or you know, ready for a challenge........let a grown woman know.
(And I will promise to stop making fun of you for it)
Call me aggressive. Keeping company just isn't enough. I am apologetically me. Whether possessed by emotion or gumption, most of the time it's unclear which is which.
If patience is a virtue......and this is a World War, I would receive a purple heart.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Back to the task at hand. Look. I really need to be creative. Unfortunately my favorite photographer and helpful compadre lives 4 hours away. Really? Really? I am struggling to get by with my writing right now, or so it seems. I love blogging. It helps me cope. Get by. I can confess how I feel, and roll it out. I can kinda point my finger at bullshit but not fuck anything up by calling anyone out. I do this in a collective effort when I call my best friends - WHO LIVE OUT OF STATE!!!!!
Fuck. That's where I am. I need you to get by. I am looking for new ideas. I am figuring out how to fill in some space. I am moving the pie save tonight, come hell or high water. Truth be told a little birdy told me she wore makeup and sent a pic to confirm, and she tried to convince me that hell had frozen over. Not yet.
I am experimenting with new hair, as I told you. I need as following: Full crinoline skirt, black pants, a cardigan, boots that don't make me look like a whore, more stepping stones for the yard, 1 pair of jeans, hot rollers. Oh and a windbreaker.
Back to moving the pie save. I surely can move it on my own, I have to have a place for my books. I just wont do the next 6 months. It's cold. It's rainy. It's just not a great existence for a girl like me. I adore being warm. I may blow away in the calamity. I have to wear extra lotion. It makes me sad. Champ already has his knee socks pulled up to an oblivion. I swear Tiger was inside my toboggan this morning. Just a snout peeking out.
The inside track? Doing inside things. This may mean sitting on the dryer and not just for recreational entertainment if you know what I mean.
Here I go again on my own............ I frickin' love David Coverdale!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Contorted dreams Monday night, but I did feel quite a bit better yesterday, and I didn't have the urge to bite people's heads off. What a good feeling! B and I worked for a while and then scooted out the door for some fun. We ate a great meal, I d-rank 2 glasses of wine, and had some hearty fried green tomatoes. Yummy. Then we drove up to Elkmont, and it set my soul on fire. Elkmont has old cabins from the turn of the century, and I swear to God, I felt like Alice in Wonderland. It was beautiful and perfect. I found my serenity. I found the place I want my cute little house to be. I constantly had a glimpse of a white ghost dog, running through these abandoned beauties. Every little place, nook and kranny, took my breath away. It was a wet dream of Hansel and Gretel come alive. Of course it started to get dark and we had to exit. So this is where consumption of bottle #1 took place. We kind parked and took turns drinking out of a KFC cup. Hot, right? It didn't matter to me of course, he let me drink the whole bottle and I talked my buzzed brains out. What comfort. On to bottle #2, horrible mistake....... Bottle #2 caused my brains to literally come out of it's casing. I lost my mind. Smoked cigarettes, cussed like a sailor, howled at the moon. P.S. I fell in the yard. That's right. Fell in the yard, into the mud, and all we could do was laugh about it. Bed was such a great idea, I went right to sleep. The urge to hurl my guts up didn't hit until 6 or so. Then it was on like donkey kong. Lesson learned, or so I try to remind myself today. I feel some better. I plan on eating much soup and taking Tylenol.
On the next half of the day, I am meeting my Minchews for my dog sitting gig. I am going to try to go see Sue and the fam but won't leave til later. There's someone who really need to "shoot things," and it ain't me or Mama. Terry and I are going to see Adam tonight. His grandmother has passed away and we need to see the fine young man. If you read this Adam, I love you.
I'm doing well. Things are how they are. Fall is coming, it's a wet mess and I'm trying like hell not to be aggravated with said progression.
Still want to be Micheal Myers for Halloween, but the sailor suit is cute as hell as well. Who knows? I'm trying to get things together before becoming horribly irritated for no reason.
That's all for now, but until then, DRINK UP!
Oh crap. I forgot to tell you about Champ eating a tampon (not used) but pooping it out this morning. Silly dog.
Yee. Oh, and Sue.... I cannot wait to assist in writing your bio. You make me feel like a God Blessed celebrity.
Monday, October 12, 2009
You see, even though I share a birthday with all time great bad-ass skateboarder Jason Ellis, this projects me even further. Stumbling briefly, I found that even a day into the new life, I am not the rule, but the exception. This is fascinating to me. I don't have sprawling pictures of kids, and God help, I try not to ramble about the dogs, even if they are smarter than your honor student. I am not editing said "info" on any obnoxious networking sites from "single" to "involved." No, no, I am much more advanced.
Looking at the long arm of the law from a distance, I refuse to get lost in the dense fog of not knowing who I am. Here's the question, can't we be inspirational together? Instead of barely reaching out, I want to invite you to a more intimate part of life.
There's something missing in my life. As hard as it can be to admit, I have "ghost limb." Constantly. Life is no longer drag shows and begging for forgiveness outside the invisible door. And yes, we can all smell your burning marijuana you're so fucking paranoid about. That's why I go to the secret hiding place. And, I change clothes afterward. Oh fuck. I have a careful system in place. Ingestion of substances? Please, don't try to coddle me with your open mind and liberal ways. Search for fucking a break, and learn to let go a little. Try to be decent. It's really not that terrible.
Actually, I have a vision. Of being on a ship, and not ever being cold again. My balance equals a palatable field of dreams. My vision includes and not limited to, bright colors, new connections, and total fucking blindness. Where is all the malicious intent coming from? Who knows? But I'll be damned I'm going to sit and wait around for another soul to point fingers, place blame, and suggest everything I'm doing wrong in their eyes. P.S. That's not friendship. That's being a nasty manipulator, and you just hurt my feelings. If this is a way you receive attention, it is the wrong way. Cover a turd in sugar, and you guessed it, you're still a fucking turd!
Can you believe how flesh and blood I have turned out to be? I can't apologize for something I cannot morph into overnight. I reiterate. I am on my way. It should be just as much as a journey for you, as it is for me. If it's all easy, then you are a big faker. A phony. A fucking Shaman. I work on the quilt pieces quietly and most of the times, second by second. Is it fair that you do not have a rich sense of wonder like I do? Is it fair that perfection is a stone's throw away, but I'm just not hitting dry land yet? (another ship reference, I am a sucker for anything nautical)
Half the time I write to someone imaginary who somewhat favors me. Striving to reach out to a kindred soul, who feels like a warm towel out of the dryer. (If you ever get the fancy of having me soak in your tub like an alligator, this is your cue) The other half I write to ghosts. I write to my past, present, and future. I write to the fortune cookies I love to unwrap. 1 % of the time, I write just to feel better. (gotcha)
The clincher? Is as ready as I believe I am for action, said action has to be put on hold. I mean, since I sense there is a moment getting ready to coming out from behind the curtain. The heat I feel on my shoulder, as if already tapped. From now on, I suggest you turn on The Wizard of Oz and play Dark Side of the Moon spontaneously, then the keys of the universe will unlock the unholy Pandora's box of randy thoughts, and fill your ears with delights from the Orient. It's not just a urban myth, this is real life people.
Until it all happens, let's not hold our breath. If you need to say something, please comment. I look forward to feedback. Being an old fashioned girl and knowing, feeling, riding the tide, and turning the other cheek as my nature beholds! Please, please me. This may be the only other chance you have.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
30 is going to be successful. 30 is going to be even more full of life. 30 will produce more maturity.
I am on this path of not comparing myself to others. Which is an attainable goal. I also am strangling the little voice that berates me for being merely human. I am also only thinking of myself. And no one else. Sounds selfish right? I think this is the most healthy and romantic choice for me. By character, I am a selfish lover. With that said, think about how impossible it is to please me. My standards have become quite a bit harsh.Can I point out, I still don't have to take meds to make my life any more manageable? I am not jabbing at anyone and certainly not going TOM CRUISE on that ass, since by law Angie has the right to "humanely" put me down. I only ask to be blindfolded when you shoot the gun. Let me watch you load it though.
Lettin' that freak flag fly, bitches.
Here is my mission statement, so pay attention. I ain't gotta prove shit to you. Or to you. Or to anyone else who wants to show their ass on me. Or to anyone else who has 2 fuckin' cents to bring to the table. If I think I'm moving forward, I must be.
On to fun stuff. Champ woke me up @ 7. Having to poop near the front door, and having his tummy make "sad sounds." Constantly burping, and smelling like garbage, he continues to vomit clear liquid. On me. That's cool. I wipe his mouth and make sure he wants to drink. He does. But he also wants to dominate my lap and lay on my chest. Someone asked if I took his temperature, I declined to do so. Isn't cleaning ears and doctoring his face enough? Then I discover Tiger has a mortal wound above his little eye. I mean, hand to hand combat? Why not? Let me elaborate, Tiger is the type of dog who has the personality of Freddie Mercury, sans moustache. This little man who patrols the yard, house, and mainly the bathroom is the alpha dog. In control, master and commander. He looked at me and said (with his eyes) IT DON'T HURT! I don't need the new age voodoo you have on Champ. Me reconstruct like new. Like fuckin' Robocop. Lesson learned.
I don't have expectations. It's not like you want to pick me up down the street as I sneak out of the house, eh? Although that would be nice. I would wear that tacky lingerie everybody keeps having dreams of me in. Where's that reality? I don't have expectations, it's just that no one can live up to them. I think that's pretty realistic. Back to being the most selfish person on the planet, I'm just kinda sassy. Do I sound unreasonable? I think I can fill said shoes. It's just about screamingly funny. I love to get all painted up and search for logical attention. What if the attention doesn't come honestly? My ability to attract said attention is frighteningly easy.
Attitude is everything. Especially when I pretend how I don't give a shit about you or your feelings. I retain memories, mostly unpleasant ones. I replay them in my head over and over. It's a little melodramatic and I really thought it was an attribute you like about me. Ridiculous, huh?
It may be my human condition. It may be something that makes me uniquely me.
I have real fears. Tonight, I layed on the love seat and told Angie I was really afraid I would one day be very sick, and have to battle it alone. Surrounded by dogs. Ain't nothin' wrong with a faithful dog though. These are the empty thoughts I have. This is what I do in the meantime. I worry for no reason. I pine for the unknown. I understand that procreation is beautiful, but not particularly the only reason for me to live a life. This is not something I have had to talk myself into. It's just something I know. Empty? No. Lonely? Hardly. Thirsty? Yep.
Is it horrible I want to hold out for butterflies? Is it awful, I may have to have that bottomed out feeling when you drive too fast on Piedmont Road going toward Jeff City? Is it a tragedy to demand more?
I begin every day by drinking my coffee sitting up in bed, holding a huge white dog. (even though there is a tiny, sweet dog who stays under the covers that would be a lighter load.) Sigh. I suppose that will be my lot in life...........The tiny things are there, but I need to take on the bigger things, due to the amount of strength I am made of.
I'm tired if you can't tell.
But when I say I want the moon, I expect the moon.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Where am I going with this? Long ago and far away, things are tragically hip.... You found me. My mind tends to wander quite a bit and I understand trying to read what I write is usually like watching a horrible train wreck. You can't help but stare. With that out of the way, try to follow.
I am going on relentlessly about staying "in focus." I really, really want to do more. Why stop now I ask? Continue to fill my purpose whether it be through just getting by, or just getting past you. I have 2 quotes from Marilyn Monroe which surprisingly, sums me up.
I'm not interested in money I just wan to be beautiful. MM
It's better to be unhappy alone than with unhappy with someone. MM
I am nursing a bit of a tummy ache bc I chugged a cup of coffee. I'm just really full. Did I mention my plateful of biscuit and gravy? Ouch.
I am one hell of a woman. PLN
I get how unfair it is how far ahead of the game I am, but that's how the chips fall sometimes. I take a quick look back to see how far I have come. As a woman. There is this romantic feel to the air for me. It's puzzling. It's a conundrum. Being romantic terrifies me right now. I am a deer in headlights. It's kind of an unfair advantage for me. I don't want to be pulled in different directions. Really. I do keep looking though, and the Rob Pattison/Tyler Durden personality man in String Theory, pines for me in return. (I told you, he is somewhere in the mountains in a cabin writing a prize winning novel)
Although, I do get desolate. I ask when will it be my time? Where is my new beginning? When? When? When? My drowning. How did I realize my advantage? Hmm. Let's see. For one, I see miserable people around. Lovely people, but beaten down. The few are living lives, through no fault of their own, very white bread lives. Nothing wrong with white bread. Gotta put some stinky cheese on that bread every now and again. I can't help but feel like I'm in the middle of Oz - right where it turns to color. Just waking up. (Rub your eyes, get out of bed.)
Champ, entertains me relentlessly, example: I had set some pj pants and a top on top of my dresser from Angie. I didn't think twice until Champ had spotted it. He sat by the dresser. Stared at the clothing. Cocked head. (Sneeze sound - this is something he does when he becomes frustrated) He stands up - ears pert - little nubbin tail up in the air. He barks. Looks at me. Looks at the clothing. Looks at me. More barking. He backs away slowly, bc he becomes frightened with the stuff. He jumps on the bed, very timid. He sits on my lap. Licks my face. So I get up, and pick them up, he backs away. I mean, he's freaked. I get Champ to understand that the clothing will not hurt him. He's such a baby.
I'm done for now. This blog doesn't ever have a point, so welcome to the jungle.
Friday, October 9, 2009
This is how my morning began. With the song that makes you feel dirty, but if you were in a bathtub of men, it would somehow be okay? Maybe that's just me. Today is a new day. Today has a positive air about it. I wish I were hiking. With torrential rains heading my way, I am aggravated. It's my LOSIN' THE THIRGENITIES weekend, and I have bed head, and I look a little sleepy-eyed. I dig it. I've been told that's when I look the most beautiful. It's probably the truth. Cause you can actually see the real me. All freckly, and I smell good from sleepin'. You know the smell I'm talking about.
Imaginary lover, where are you? Inside my head no doubt. I have a lot of ideas perkin' in my head. I need collaboration. Really, I think that's all I am missing. Had small meltdown on Sue yesterday, but I think it turned to be a profitable endeavor. I got things out. I'm this little person who wants/needs someone to take care of, but right now I feel so selfish. Which is good. Pastor Bob says I am in a place of "not falling for it." You know, the see-through dynamic of a person trying to take over your life. I'm not there. I'm as close to a super hero as you can get. (Including tights)
So don't leave me here. We should only take what we know about each other FROM each other. Agreed? Listen, I know it's 9:21am, but I really would love a glass of wine. Or a baby shot of Vodka. Warm me right up. No wonder it's so popular in Russia. Perpetually cold. I think I'm just in a drinking mood. Sometimes our reputations precede our expectations. (er, obligations.) The whole thing might be a little more spectacular than I thought. I just need a closer look. Time could run out before we get the chance. I'm not the best at holding back, I mean, I squeal a lot. I make big deals about nothing. I collect snail shells. I put them in the bird's nest I found on the window seal in the kitchen. (right along with the fortunes) I make secret wishes. I maintain duels in my own mind. I continue to be a loaded gun. I continue to eat you up. I kiss the dogs goodnight. I would make plans to call you, I would make more comments, I will because I can. No time like the present. Do you believe in love? Huey Lewis does. I promise not to leave you behind. Are there questions you still have? Can you believe I am crushing on myself?
Go ahead. Let go. Relax. It's going to be okay. I think twice. I make amends. I continue the anomaly. I pray for clarity. I have vision. We could. Together. If we were in a fine mess together, it probably wouldn't be so bad. We could enjoy the drop together. No one could hurt me like you do, and you could never be hurt the way I hurt you. It's a satisfying concept.
Are we falling in love?
Read on, it's about to get good. I write about love quite a bit. Not because I want it so badly, but because I have it! Mama and Daddy love me. I have my sister and her family. I have beautiful friends that have husbands who invite me into their homes, fill me full of beer and food. I am saving the best for last. The children in my life! Although I have none of my own, Angie's sweet girl coined the phrase Paw Paw, and started a trend with Sue's and Josh's 4 motley crew, all call me Paw Paw also. I love it. My niece and nephew call me Wheelo. It's a blessing. I have a rich life, and I am so lucky to be a part of yours too. How special!
Mama and I are going to lunch this week, which is the one thing I wanted for my birthday. We will probably drink mimosa's and have to be picked up by Rachel again. Mama and I are gonna shoot at the farm, which is hilarious and fun. Probably picnic in the back field in the truck bed. She called me her "birthday baby" last night. I eat it up!
We could have drinks together. I could break you in. It may be an enjoyable experience for both parties. Pleasing to the eye, mind, body. We could even grab the spiritual straws. Don't stop me now honey, I'm on top of the world. Shocking? Being the fact I am the treasure at the end of the rainbow and all. Fun times. Finding me right where you left me. As usual, I am full of anticipation. Ready for the performance. First and foremost, I have visions of grandeur. Versus. Vs. Versus. Strangled, struggled, variety. Let's rock it. What do I have to lose?
The risk most of the time does not outweigh the outcome.
Edgy. Sexy. Show me that side. Maybe this is a new leaf. Could that side be explored a little further? The truth may come out, and it won't be so bad. Here we are looking for innovation, when all we need is to be able to create it. Starving for attention, starving for a touch. Starving for a calm movement. Like the eye of the storm. (Notice, how I hook you being a walking contradiction?) Victorious in that claim Son, Victorious.
Do remember the tragic awakening? The fever? The demand? The swift force of nature? When I have to be captivated enough to go out of state? I suppose this is a friendly warning. So hit me with your best shot. I'm not just a memory, I am reality. Intense revolution. Gosh, am I ever ready for an intense revolution! That great release. The grand illusion of reality. I crave more fire. I am obviously learning to hear you a little better. I can't try if you are not willing. See the shaky resistance? Line drawn. Line crossed, Sailor.
The frailty in reaching out is a conundrum. How to. When to. I am able to write lines and lines of genius quotes and lavish ideas without modern technology. I don't have the latest phone. It's used, and from 2004. I only require a phone to make phone calls. Everything else is extra.
NOTE: Technology has never catapulted me into favor. Ever.
Technology doesn't make a difference. I do. My spirit!
My hand controlling the pen in my journal does. Here I am advertising reality, you should so get your Paula on. She's one in a million and bound to blow your mind. This behavior is encouraged. Try not to be obvious, play my pawn, and I get bored. Up and down, where she stops, nobody knows. Let's all be impassioned and entertained...... and no, that's not a movie review. It's PLN's Hot Life! Starring, you.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
As a matter of fact, I do feel lucky. Hmmm? Yes! I told you! I do feel lucky! Calling me a punk is a little out of order though. Did your mother raise you to call ladies names? Entitled to options. A herd of deer almost killed Terry and I the other night. Crazy stalking deer.
I would let them all think it was their idea.
I mean, I understand that I may be labeled as "small town." Grown up on a farm, and still living here and loving it. I love all things different, odd, even on the macabre side. It's infectious. I am struggling with certain amounts, amounts of finding where I fit. I live for all art. Written, photography, tattoos, print, paint, all mediums intrigue me. I wear galoshes. Often. I love pilates, but I also love being a sloth on the couch with the dogs. I enjoy making supper, but I also love to go out!!! Above mentioned, I love wine, but I will drink moonshine out of a jar too. I am a Southern Baptist, but I am open minded to all religions. I can't stand the thought of disrespecting someone else's belief system. That, is being hypocritical, and I don't dig that man! there are glimpses of where I am Humpty Dumpty. I enjoy that role. I love to be tended to. Petted on. Relished over.
I looked in the mirror and asked where you had come from. There are tangible moments I find myself looking at my freckles. I worry they may go away. What's a Paula without freckles anyhow? I mean, have you ever seen an old person with freckles? If so, please share photos too.
Man is a biped without feathers. PLATO
We should keep each other from harm. Wouldn't that be helpful? I would be exuberant to have the capacity to do so. I may love too much! Hardly. I need to love everyone I come across. Not pick them apart. Why is that so hard? We see what we want to see. Elephants are gray but not everything gray is an elephant.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry bout tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. Matthew 6:33-34
It may be a big rabbit hole. Hopefully you will follow me. I may not know any better. You may not claim to learn the lesson. We may fight for our lives. I will fight for my right to party. I need excessive information so I can make informed choices. Looking through these blood shot eyes, or rose colored glasses. I tend to look through both. I need to know more about why not. So when will I know? What's the story morning glory? I took off the gloves, I laid them on the counter. It really was a sign, except you mistook it for an everyday movement. It was so shocking to find how calculated I am - It befuddled the opinion of what could have been. Whether I took the bait or laid the trap - all in all either way, it wasn't as bad as you made it out to be. Right? It didn't really matter or add together the appropriate response.
Have I gone too far? Not far enough, rather. The push will be a big comfort. And welcome. The edge looks nice. I noticed how the high road wasn't an option. It makes sense though. If I mentioned the brilliance, would you be convinced? I would rather be discovered rather than advertised and whored out. Just like Tyler Durden mentions on my t-shirt...................... THEY'RE ALL WHORES.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I still miss the good times.
I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, but I will say, on the outside I have not aged a whole lot. I ran into a man friend not too long ago, he said he couldn't believe "how womanly" I had become. That makes me grin, but I still see a girl. A beautiful girl, but still a girl.
I am not comparing apples to oranges, but I am comparing notions of grandeur.
I cant wait to have a little more. Just a little more of what I have right now. Just a little more of what I would like my life to be. I want a little more Georgia O'Keeffe in my life. Struggles create wonderful art. I also need to read more Kerouac too.
I see things as magenta right now. Bright. It's a horse of a different color.
Although it is turning cold, my birthday is coming, I have been divorced for a full year now. My old wedding anniversary is next week. It's only a day in my mind anymore. Pleas embrace yours.
I promise not to be lazy, and to pick up my socks. One day, all will be repaired and I will be manning a new ship. I swear I can taste the salt on my lips. That's the tough part of being my own captain some days. Although, I can feel Michael Myer's breath on my neck so I'm not lonely at all.
I miss my friends. I miss certain comforts I may have taken for granted. The shoes just didn't fit.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Mama told me my birth weight yesterday. Now kittens, it is the countdown. She will tell me a nugget of my birth from now on until the 11th. How sweet is that? I want to be just like her when it comes to helping my children feel special. I at least hope so.
It's funny to me. How come a handful of men I know, who didn't want children... always end up with at least one? Come on. Collaborate with me. Continue to write out ideas. We all go up and down, don't we? The cries we cry that are so deep, when a peep doesn't come out of us.....hurts the deepest.
As everyone should now, I am in control of my lady parts and not the other way around. I am a well oiled machine that attempts to produce appropriate choices. Therefore, I am strong, and not using my lady parts to get what I want. That my dear, is manipulation. I am important. I don't need to use anyone. I can take you or leave you. I have been moving forward. If I have been living on and on - See how I have made it a choice? I am in control of my destiny. (to an extent) I will continue to be alive, with or without someone. I'm just fine with that. So if you maybe getting the picture misconstrued, let me save you the trouble. Always be a straight shooter, even when I am afraid, I find a way. And you can too.
I respect my peers madly. I understand that lettuce makes the world go round. (say hello to your mother for me.) But dearie, your opinion will not make or break me.
You know I would be with you if I could.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I walked out on the sun porch this morning. I could see the top of the ridge. I could see the Smoky Mountains. I could see Mr. French's farm. It made my heart stop beating for just a moment. I'm completely in love with those moments. When I see the world for what it is. Beautiful. Quiet. I felt my legacy in the air. I stand in the house my Daddy grew up in. I try to imagine the life. I picture the fruit trees full. I can see my Mamaw Northern in the front yard picking apples off the ground from the tree that isn't there anymore. I can taste the apple butter she would feed my little body this time of year. I can see every wrinkle around her eyes when she would smile. Every bit of that matters to me.
Feeling pretty sentimental today. I miss my favorite faces. I'm also trying not to be melancholy, but to be proactive about it. I have been sketching a pair of boots for about 45 minutes now. Silly. I love to draw, I wish I had pursued it a little more, but whatta ya do? My hair is all grown out, which I love, ya know since Pete hacked it off a month ago. I have never been that upset with Pete. I am supposed to visit him Tuesday. I still don't know if I'm gonna go. Is that bad? No. I'm just scared. I can get my hair in a leetle pony. It's fall damn it. So I need longer hair. As you know, I have been hesitant about fall. But, I am excited about wearing sweaters. Lots of tights. Leggings. Boots. And, scarfs. I think I just love the layered look.
Today is Old Time Saturday. They have funnel cake. I am motivated by funnel cake. It may be the powdered sugar that really sets me free though. I'm going. Somehow. Possibly by myself. That's alright too. What I will do for funnel cake. Angie and I had a great time last year. That little skunk (kidding) had to remind me and set my soul on fire about it already. P.S. It's 8:40 am. My hair looks exactly like a Japanese cartoon character today. I love it. I think it looks pretty hot. That may be my imagination.
So I'm only doing things I want to do. How accurate. I like to dominate my own life instead of being told what to do. Then I do things out of guilt and then have such contempt for said individual or thing, that I shut them out of my mind. This is the result of living under some one's thumb. It's very uncomfortable. Unbecoming.True story. I want to do things my way. Dare I say, and not sound like an ass..... The right way? That's my plan. The PLN plan that is. Mark it out, X marks the spot, just do it. I'm a nervous ball of energy which is normal for me. Sometimes I ignore said energy and have raging meltdowns. Again, this is normal and expected out of a woman like myself. To know me, is to embrace the unexpected.
OMG. I am seeing Angie and Sue this week. I cannot wait. These special girls have no idea what lifelines they are to me. I would surely die without them. Honestly. Here I am finally awakened by the Prince's kiss. Yes, that Prince. The short one. In purple. The one who makes women orgasm through song, and usually left confused by the whole thing. Who cares? I like short dudes. Sporadic, little dudes. Alright, the tall ones are cool too. Who am I kidding? I like all dudes for the most part. Except for the scary ones. I do not like them.
The soundtrack is Donna Summer. Oh, and Diana Ross. Na na na na! Revival starts this week at my church. I need to go. I feel very convicted to be there. I think this means there will be special messages there for me all week. But that's how I feel about church every Sunday too.
Today is a good day, Oh! Before I forget! Robert Palmer wanted me to remind you that a pretty face don't make a pretty heart!!!!
I love you. I do mean it. CALL ME!
Friday, October 2, 2009
His Daddy has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He said he needed to move closer and be with them. Then it made me wonder if he was setting the pizza in the trap to catch the Dale Gribble version of me in my men's briefs. Possible. Ed is not a warm person. He never has been. He tries. And always falls short. I cannot survive even our friendship some days.
Moving on. Where does a girl find comfort? As in creature comfort and emotional rescue? Mostly, and most importantly, within herself. That's different weather isn't it? I guess I should let that freak flag fly. Nothing wrong with it. In all my confusion and absolute fear of all things "sticky", I find myself feeling very selfish today. I approve of this message. A bit of a love hangover I suppose. These words, are only intended for you. Don't leave them written down on the counter, Champ will eat the piece of paper. I would just hold these words in your heart. The journey is expanding. There is an upswing of things to come. I may not be ready to be settled. All in all, I may never be settled. I may never be cookie cutter. I was told this week that life was never boring around me. This was followed by my voice rising and making a screeching sound when I found a fur lined hat at the Bass Pro Shop. Don't hate on the Bass Pro, I get coffee and hide in the biggest boat in the corner. So much fun. Go ask Alice. When she's ten feet tall.
What if I don't take the chance? What if I don't take a leap? What if it all goes to hell? I may land on my feet though. But even if I landed on my knees, that would be fine too. I would be alright. I would just have to get up. I may be in surgery, I may still be under repair. There are many improvements to be made. I'm just fine with these thoughts and statements. I'm not trying to damage any realationship. I'm not chiseling away at a mountain. I won't. I will not. Especially when things become taxing on me. Fortunately, I am able to recognize the signs. I become moody. I become agitated. I want to clean everything. I remain a nervous wreck until all the negative energy comes pouring out of me. Satisfaction, guaranteed. Its emotionally exhausting to go full force, both barrels loaded. Day in, and day out.
It would not be appropriate for an apology right now. This is it!
If I am: Obsessive.
Most of the time, (even for me) when we are criticised, or criticize others, ideas, lives. We are seeing insecurities in ourselves, which is uncomfortable. And most of the time.... Numbing.
Here I am being in the middle of being a big deal. (Eye opening.)
I would admire you if you showed a little more gumption. I have fresh wounds. I am vulnerable. But protected like an angler fish. I doubt I am ever too catty. I have been backed up against the wall but true to my nature, I have escaped through your legz. (sp. intentional) How could Bigfoot live if chimpanzees are so sexually aggressive? (I meanz, since "they" believe them to be linked.) Criag Kilmore - Where are you? In love with my own sin. Apparently, this happens often.
Terry, being so kind to me, made 5 CD's for me. Michael Jackson - Greatest Hits (like the CD we listen to in the studio when I give haircuts, Sue.) Billy Idol (makes me lose my mind) The new Reverend Horton Heat (Mind blown) And, drum roll please, MGMT. (Bitchin') The music has compensated my shaky mood. Hallelujah! (I mean, call Leonard Cohen, he stirs me.)
Alright. Dreams? Only on Monday. I had a dream that Brandy and Janet lived with a man. (This is my cousin, and her wife) I was pissed! I told them in my dream, that they were only allowed to love each other. (Sounds too real life for me) We went on a walking adventure that turned Texas Chainsaw Massacre too quickly. As we walked, (in the mountains) we see this crazy haired kid. It really freaks us out, so we spot a barn and run in there. This rockabilly looking dude meets us, and wants to know where we are going. We begin our freak out. He directly talks to me, and tells me we have to go the sausage factory. (Touche!) I stare at him, bc I know what he means. We are in one room, where they cut this man's head off and they grind his body into sausage. (Really) Quickly, we go into another room where more scary shit happens. The rockabilly dude tells me that I have to see how the sausage is made, since I'm the one in control, he tells me.
I woke up. It was creepy.
Harvest Moon is coming. October 4. Longest night of moonlight. I cant wait!
Sometimes I miss having a husband. Ya know when I have to do things menfolk should be doing. I miss the idea of having one more than I want that realationship I think. Although, I have been taught so many lessons, and have really enjoyed all of these growing pains. For instance, I am able to walk in the dark outside, and not be so afraid. I am able to run wild and not be questioned or grilled. I don't have to tiptoe around someone else's opinions, or worry if they may or not be mad at me. I also only have to do shit for myself. And, that's fucking awesome. Bring in a realationship to my life, from the outside looking in at present, shows how others can be um, well, parasites to our own little worlds. I even believe President Obama would support this cockamamie opinion. Huh? This has been proven in a hypothesis I would call, "MY EXISTENCE."
I am open to possibilities. I try. And that's all I can do. So here I am taking all the credit. And, why not? Even though, I have relied on help lately, it has not been easy to accept such kindness. I felt like a failure. Reasoned with myself on uncertain terms. Which proved detrimental. To all areas of my life. It sucks. I was consumed with the fallout, and barely acknowledged the relevance to my healing. I only focus on the repercussions. The results I would not pick for myself. It's alright though. I continue to forgive myself for the screw ups. I do realize the anger extends from the hurt I have had to have in my life. In essence, I am still afraid of the outcome. Those choices I make, will reap fruit. Good or bad.... Right? I hope to hinge (to bring together) a bountiful harvest of good things. Er, things/moments/wonderful options.
The above is conceptually real. I believe in my heart of hearts. I hope with every fiber of my being. I believe most of all. Having faith reaps rewards. I continue to prepare myself for healing. I know, I am entitled to options. The water is rising, and it does rise rapidly. I do agree with Jem, I want to be just like her, complete with the pink hair, and I am going to be truly, truly outrageous. A high maintenance menace.
Still reading a mountain of books..... don't look so shocked. I love you, and I mean it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Er, birthday cake to be exact.
I am ordering my WHAT WOULD TYLER DURDEN DO shirt this week, it's gonna be my PREZENT to myself. I love y'all. I miss you too.
Get ready for mad, wild presentation and representation ASAP.
P.S. Cage the Elephant was everything I wanted it to be. The singer is this tiny, little, sporadic moving man, and of course, I'm in love with him now. Slap Terry a high 5 please.