Wednesday, October 28, 2009

On the same page. For now.


So sorry to keep from you all this time. I am as wide eyed as a child on Christmas morning, because...... drum roll please...... I am genuinely happy and the holidays are coming. To the ones who know my terror and lack of excitement last year, I am hoping this year will not make me feel as lonely or as much of a failure. Divorce changed me. Inside and out. The past 2 years have been so traumatic and tough for me. I have cried more and hurt more than I have ever hurt before. It has helped me in so many ways, again, I am grateful. Somehow, I am not a living zombie. I am a human being. Pink, and alive. So covered in freckles, no doubt.
Here I am though. Waking up. I am the little munchkin sleeping in a flower in Oz. I still need to improve. It's such an elaborate process. I am an opus in progress. Respecting the Conductor.

Isn't how funny deceit is? Deceit is so attractive. So readily available. Everything we want it to be. Er, everything we believe we want. It's difficult to go through a life living, lying to yourself. I do it. I suppose we do what we know. Understand the frailty of making excuses and always sweeping it under the rug. We destroy ourselves in those awful, bitter moments. Those tender, seductive moments. Our comprehension of our emotions and stormy feelings. Convincing ourselves of the deceit. A lie. A fib. Told by yourself, about yourself. Lies believed others want you to cultivate inside so you can feel just as badly as them. Deceit surrounds us daily. We embrace it gladly, because it looks so great on everyone. Even me. Might as well accept it. Even if it is just my opinion.

Back to the subject of divorce, I have been able to distinguish when someone is trying to manipulate me. I will not allow it. It's crazy how WE allow others to determine our futures. Our choices. Listen dear heart, true love, true, true love doesn't expect unrealistic expectations. True love sees you for being human. Losing our tempers, melting down, just being fragile! That's true love. True love can be experienced between mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, neighbors, spouses, children. The list is long friend.

I hear the messages scrawled inside my head, and hope it all comes out halfway clear. I hope you understand my message, my need to reach out to you. I know the feeling is reciprocated somehow. I unlocked myself.
No longer a caged bird, unwilling to be embraced. I receive the welcome distraction. A new path. I have been dreaming. Daydreaming, day tripping, nightmaring, waking up in a panic.

Clearly, I am a different girl from last October. Brilliant.

I could scream it from the mountaintops I adore.
I feel damn near energized. Able to cope with the world.

Today I am making comparisons. To hamburger and fillet. Sure. Hamburger will do in a pinch, it will suffice and feed you well. Aint shit wrong with eating hamburger. But, if given the option I would rather eat fillet. Any time. Any day. Where am I going with this food reference? I am going to compare it to realationships. My realationship. With a man. Look, I'm just as surprised as you are. All this time pining away for something I wasn't sure of, and the whole time the sure thing has been in my backyard. Realistically, in my life my entire life. Grown up together. Went to school together. Our families have known each other for damn near eternity. Realistically in my adult life for the past 10 months. Cutting trees down for the past 3 months. Every Tuesday. Bush hogging. Weeding. Breaking his effing back. Out of friendship mostly. Out of proving himself. Willing to do the work even if it meant he wouldn't be rewarded in the way he wanted. Selfless love. We all know how bullheaded I am. If I don't wanna, I won't. Now I do. I do. I want to spend time with this man. I want him to take care of me. And he does.
AND HE WANTS TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The proof is in the sauce dog.)
I realize how effing crazy this sounds. Me, actually okay with terms like "boyfriend," "realationship," "partnership." I am overwhelmed. But happy. Bryan Cate is an exceptional man, and I feel blessed. So this is my shout out to this fella, and to let y'all know, I'm in business.....
And business is effin' boomin'.

Thank God for patience.

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