Saturday, October 3, 2009


If ya wanna be free, all you gotta do is say so. I do want to be free. Lots of thoughts. Small epiphany as I brushed my teeth this morning. The only thing that brought me back was Champ's wet nose on the back of my thigh. I told myself that I was doing a great job, and I believed it. Little step. Important step. I pushed alot of negative thoughts out of my head as I ate my eggs today. I had shallow little spurts of human nature showing itself in my coffee too. I said alright. I can do this. Birthday's and end of days, did not really spark this feeling. At least I hope so. I laughed when I thought maybe I would be in some kind of solid realationship by the time I needed new tires. Apparently, we should track our lives by the amount of tread that's left. Ha. I have no idea if my heart will open sooner, or later. I feel very stubborn. On the edge of doing what needs to happen to push me to the limit. Sweet Paula, I love you. Don't forget it.

I won't.

I walked out on the sun porch this morning. I could see the top of the ridge. I could see the Smoky Mountains. I could see Mr. French's farm. It made my heart stop beating for just a moment. I'm completely in love with those moments. When I see the world for what it is. Beautiful. Quiet. I felt my legacy in the air. I stand in the house my Daddy grew up in. I try to imagine the life. I picture the fruit trees full. I can see my Mamaw Northern in the front yard picking apples off the ground from the tree that isn't there anymore. I can taste the apple butter she would feed my little body this time of year. I can see every wrinkle around her eyes when she would smile. Every bit of that matters to me.

Feeling pretty sentimental today. I miss my favorite faces. I'm also trying not to be melancholy, but to be proactive about it. I have been sketching a pair of boots for about 45 minutes now. Silly. I love to draw, I wish I had pursued it a little more, but whatta ya do? My hair is all grown out, which I love, ya know since Pete hacked it off a month ago. I have never been that upset with Pete. I am supposed to visit him Tuesday. I still don't know if I'm gonna go. Is that bad? No. I'm just scared. I can get my hair in a leetle pony. It's fall damn it. So I need longer hair. As you know, I have been hesitant about fall. But, I am excited about wearing sweaters. Lots of tights. Leggings. Boots. And, scarfs. I think I just love the layered look.

Today is Old Time Saturday. They have funnel cake. I am motivated by funnel cake. It may be the powdered sugar that really sets me free though. I'm going. Somehow. Possibly by myself. That's alright too. What I will do for funnel cake. Angie and I had a great time last year. That little skunk (kidding) had to remind me and set my soul on fire about it already. P.S. It's 8:40 am. My hair looks exactly like a Japanese cartoon character today. I love it. I think it looks pretty hot. That may be my imagination.

So I'm only doing things I want to do. How accurate. I like to dominate my own life instead of being told what to do. Then I do things out of guilt and then have such contempt for said individual or thing, that I shut them out of my mind. This is the result of living under some one's thumb. It's very uncomfortable. Unbecoming.True story. I want to do things my way. Dare I say, and not sound like an ass..... The right way? That's my plan. The PLN plan that is. Mark it out, X marks the spot, just do it. I'm a nervous ball of energy which is normal for me. Sometimes I ignore said energy and have raging meltdowns. Again, this is normal and expected out of a woman like myself. To know me, is to embrace the unexpected.

OMG. I am seeing Angie and Sue this week. I cannot wait. These special girls have no idea what lifelines they are to me. I would surely die without them. Honestly. Here I am finally awakened by the Prince's kiss. Yes, that Prince. The short one. In purple. The one who makes women orgasm through song, and usually left confused by the whole thing. Who cares? I like short dudes. Sporadic, little dudes. Alright, the tall ones are cool too. Who am I kidding? I like all dudes for the most part. Except for the scary ones. I do not like them.

The soundtrack is Donna Summer. Oh, and Diana Ross. Na na na na! Revival starts this week at my church. I need to go. I feel very convicted to be there. I think this means there will be special messages there for me all week. But that's how I feel about church every Sunday too.

Today is a good day, Oh! Before I forget! Robert Palmer wanted me to remind you that a pretty face don't make a pretty heart!!!!

I love you. I do mean it. CALL ME!

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