Saturday, October 24, 2009

Compulsion Shopping

We all know the feeling. We feel as if we can't help ourselves. When I feel rabid compulsion running through me, I start to feel uncontrollably anxious. This triggers me to drink more coffee, find a certain thing to obsess over and I become Humpty Dumpty. I don't feel as if I am the only one who identifies with described emotions. My compulsion for today? I am not sleepy. This I realize doesn't sound like affliction, but it is. It's Saturday. I should feel kind of drag ass right? Nope. I have mad lists of things to do, I have written thank you cards, and written out bills. WHAT? IS WRONG HERE? I feel compelled to do more than necessary. Nanners.

I am fasting today. Why? I fill brimmed to the top with toxins. My body does not feel well and I think it's due to stuffing it full of things with artificial colors and well, carbs. This is also my other compulsion today. I know, I know, it doesn't sound healthy, right? I focus on it until I convince myself to calm down. This entails me pounding water and looking in the mirror to make sure I haven't drifted away. Smart, huh?

I am in this crazy "nesting" mode. I really feel as if I am doing this in empathy for Angie. If it needs cleaning, I have already busted out the bleach. What's that smell? No worries, I mopped. Laundry? Let me fold that for you. Just sit down, I will cook dinner. Hmmm? I feel fine. Just I need to take care of EVERYTHING. Let me, Okay?

I feel focused on Grace also. Grace is a distinctive kind of relating. Grace is a concept. Grace should be shown. To each other. To your spouse, child, parents, client, boss, down to the dental hygienist you don't really know. We should embrace this word Grace. I am aggressively pursuing Grace. Hopefully it shows, and due reward will come when I least expect it.

Alright. Pencils down. Terry and Ashley are due on November 15th. (I love you!) So you know, our hell raising has slowed down. I know! I hate it. I love to raise a little, and act like a crazy person. Back to reality, things change. Evolve. I just want my brain to keep up.

Tentative schedule as follows:

Eat a ton of beef. I feel extremely carnal right now, and steak will be the only thing to fill the void in my life.

Continue to be ahead. Continue to want to be ahead. Continue to just BE ahead.

Grace. Grace. Grace.

Maintain friendships and realationships that build me up, instead of forcing me down.

Know the future is bright.

It's a short one today, but I love you! Call me!

P.s. B and I may go to a haunted forest tonight, but I am super freaked out. EEEEEEEEEE.

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