Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
My comfort today comes from Galatians 6:9-10. "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially those who are of the household of faith."
Thursday, December 23, 2010
P.S. Grandma got ran over by a Rieendeer was written by a Veterinarian. It's true.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
And we know that all things work together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
That verse is an example of God promising good for His people.
Pastor Greg Laurie, helping me once again, "There are really two kinds of people in the world: those who are going through a crisis and those who will go through a crisis." Either one that you are, have faith. Keep hoping. Don't give up. And don't forget to encourage each other. I mean, I feel as if I'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean. But I still look for you, and know that you are there.
For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. Matthew 5:45
In this verse, I think He is saying, it doesn't matter, good or bad, whatever we think we are. Keep hoping, and understand the things we go through isn't about hurting us, or He is against us, He loves you just the same no matter the circumstance or divide.
Perception is a matter of vision. Look past it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
God met us there and united our hearts with purpose and a passion to see it through. This is an excerpt from Marybeth Whalen on Proverbs 31 ministry blog. She was talking about finances, a thing taken for granted by everyone every day. I believe in making personal mission statements and obtaining goals. Realistic goals, and Ms. Whaley's statement struck me with hope. More talk of hope today, I'm way too ahead to give up. This post is pretty erratic, but I don't have much time. I at least wanted to point you in the direction in where I am. (or going)
Fear the Lord, you his saints for those who fear him lack nothing. Psalm 34:9
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I have discovered, that isolation brings nastiness over me. In my attitude, in my overall health. I am hoping for a different path soon. And we all know how I feel about hope, right? Thank goodness we can always hang on to that tangible hope.
I am glad, however, I am not like everyone and everything else. There is a difference. It's in me, and it's in you!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:13-14
Monday, November 29, 2010
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
Sometimes, they love you. Sometimes, they hate you. They love you to lie, they love the lies you tell. Sometimes, they call you out, sometimes, you become fortunate enough to call them out. They listen, or your words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes, we learn, or we refuse. Turn away, return once again. Prodigal son or daughter, won't you come on home! Forget it all, because it will soon be forgotten. Never forget! The sooner you accept, the sooner you can get on the ship to move on. Move forward. Forge ahead, don't look back, because it always looks as bad as it was or as good as your mind will let you believe. So celebrate, and still hold a grudge. Let go, and life can be more authentic. More real. Life can be more, if allowed. Ignore, and be even more ill. Be your own stumbling block is more of what we hear today, but tomorrow will be gone, full of regret. And we just have to stop that foolishness. So let's all be willing.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Is it fear? Is that all that holds you back? You need to answer this one. And it needs to be your final answer. It also needs to be the true, correct answer. The clue to your heart. Come on now, this question isnt for sissies. And you aint no sissy, Right?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Im nowhere and everywhere I want to be. Imallcaughtup.....
Monday, November 8, 2010
I am also saying yes. Yes to family. Yes to people who love me. Yes to myself. Saying yes to myself has been more liberating than anything, but that's always the case dahling....
Only you can define your true needs and outline what is realistically going to work for you. Always depend on your gut, and for pete's sake, stay out of that pit of despair. Just look for the ravens, because they will send you food. We only have to be wise enough to ask for God to send them.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Negativity is born in the gap where love has been excluded. Gaps occur in places where we are afraid to see ourselves. - Deepak Chopra
I like that, and can believe that. Remember the post about Uz? I still feel like I might be at the outskirts of Uz. Uz is that place we have to remember where we were in order to keep on going. Fighting that good fight, if you will.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
(I get real random right here, so bear with me....)
Awesome! I have also been asked to take a challenge from a friend who is a Beach body coach. Which is neat. Which is also funny, since I'm in this conundrum anyway, about fitness. Basically, my fitness. I'm just trying to rearrange. Plus, there's a reason for all this beautiful weather we are having. And repeat after me, I HATE SUGAR. This, needs to be my mantra. I know, I know, one week, I'm on, the next month, I'm almost off the crap, then, like magic, I become dependant once again. I need to make up my mind. Oh, did I mention that my Daddy has almost all of the farm bush hogged? This is awesome. This also gives me prime opportunity to spend more time outside. And, to carry a knife. I always try to carry a weapon when out. Even at home. I also wear this bandanna like I'm Rambo. Alright. That's it.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Remember, I love you, and the list keeps coming, I just have to sort them out and say things like "Eureka!", and so on and so forth. Oh, and write that crap down. Definitely.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Can I mention how I am trying to cut everyone else some slack too? My dogma doesnt ride on anyone else but me, so I need to let go. Control isn't mine, it never has been, it never will be. I have an incredible feller who loves me. Even when I let it out on him. We talk. I mean, we taaaaalk. He listens even though he has every right to tune out, because believe it or not, I like to express my opinion into the ground. Or mud. And beat it to pieces. To oblivion. B likes that. He describes that part of me as 'passionate.' That's flattering! It's a fault, but he seems to like that fault! Hey, no complaints here friends.
I have a story about a raccoon. And a mole. And a Ladybird. And a Babylove and a Mr. Kitty. The latter 2 are in major trouble with not taking care of said mole. You would think Ladybird would haul off and chase said raccoon. But no. No beuno. No. LBD lets that raccoon take a bath in her water, and I think that psychopath likes the thing. Which makes NO sense. Back to not keeping score, as long as the mole, raccoon, and my children dont get into scuffles, there's not much I can do. Except set traps. And that's what Im gonna do! I just have to find some humane traps for the mole, and said raccoon, and hope the brothers don't get caught in the traps! Those 3 haven't won any awards, but I haven't either, but between the gang of us, surely we can figure it out.
With fall here, there is so much work to be done. Never count out personal grooming. As in our minds and bodies. Both are so neglected, there's no surprise to me how worn down we are. As a culture, as just people. I read our Pastor's blog this morning, he is on a trip to Costa Rica for a leadership conference. pastor Chris discussed a book he is reading, and now of course, I want to read as well. It's called The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel. It's the questions that PC was asking in the blog that has me wanting to read the book, and it also leads me back to the book I am reading now. Plan B by Pete Wilson. Anyhooter, back to PC's blog. The Holy Spirit jumped from the page as I read the following questions, and confirmed that God is here. The first question is: Where are you struggling to trust Him? That one got me right in the gut. It made me bijiggity. The next one is: What area do you need Him to move? And, the final: If you fully trusted Him with everything, what would you try that you are holding back right now? I cannot specifically answer all 3, but the first one especially laid witness to me. Back to Plan B, Pete Wilson brought up a scripture I have been sitting on for the past week. It's Matthew 6:25-27.
25 "So I tell you, don't worry (be anxious) about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes."
26 "Look at the birds in the air. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know you are worth much more than the birds."
27 "You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it."
Jesus wants us to not worry about obvious things, and this morning, I got to hear exactly what He has asked me to hear for long while. It was an "AHA!" moment for me. As for the other 2 questions, I need time to pray on those. I am trying to be honest to myself, instead of pushing it down and damaging me. I'm just me, being me.
My action plan is to try to stop comparing myself to the Jones', not berate what is or isnt happening, and just trying to enjoy this time in my life. Nothing is wrong, I have just created everything to be wrong, and Jesus doesnt want me or you to live this way. Besides, I am one of His bird's.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
We saw HUGE bear prints in the woods yesterday. We saw a TON of bear scat too.
Which we turned around since the prints were FRESH.
Even small bears are huge.
Um, we even saw a paw print of a mountain kitty.
I was scared, and excited all at the same time.
It was fun!
Monday, October 4, 2010
I wrote this in my journal last night. It sounds like a prayer, but it really is confession.
You know Lord, I have been confused. I need to be heard. Validated. Lately, I havent felt like much of anything. I wondered where you were. I accused you of leaving. I believed the world, rather than what you have taught me. Which has proved harder punishment. I am burdened with life alone. At 18, it was okay to be living alone. Self sufficient. At 23, I was still living alone, but had a dog. Then, at 25, I got married. Convinced I would never be alone again. Then, at 28, I was left. I was left to scream, cry, vent. I was also led back to you. I am thankful for coming back and having anew understanding about you. I heard you everywhere. I saw you everywhere.
I read something today though. It really scared me, by the way. I read that if you live on your own, youre twice as likely to have a heart attack. True, this was a study in a magazine, but it still scared me. You see, I live a pretty healthy life. I eat well, I exercise. I used to exercise daily. I had a great outlook on life. I was optimistic. Fearless. I felt great.
then the bottom dropped out.
But now I dont. I work alone, I live alone. I stopped overindulging in the internet because I see it as a thing that isnt a true need. I found some new triggers that bothered my allergies. I have learned to listen to my body. I am working on not binge eating. I have been going to see actual doctors and not relying on my own homemade remedies. I have learned to trust some of these doctors advice to certain extent.
I have watched Dr. Cathy be on the edge of death too. A person who strives to be at her personal best, no matter what. I admire her. I also see changes in her, that inspire me.
When I do feel extremely sick and done. I think of her. Or any other woman I know who just goes on for the greater good of herself. Giving up isnt an option. Neither is Hollywood cemetery.
Im getting back.
You see, Im dangerous when Im quiet. Im deadly to myself when left to my own devices.
this is my cry out.
This winter, I am embracing the cold. Im going to learn to ski this year. Tomorrow, B and I are going hiking. I want to find a good one. You see, Im a hiking fanatic. I love it. I know a lot about it. I could hike all the time if plausible. One thing I feel incredible about is the day B and I went hiking with some of his buddies. We stopped to get patches. Im not that kind of hiker. I just journal it. B laughed and said that I would have to buy the whole rack of patches sinceI had done almost all of those hikes. That, was validation. That told me that B knows I have experience, and I still dont listen to his rules. I have my own. Im ready to hike. I like the animal I am when Im out doors. I need to embrace the winter and try to get to know her, instead of giving her the cold shoulder so to speak. I love B, and he enjoys winter, so I cant be closed off from being open to any new experiences. Lord, thank you for giving me B. Continue to instill in me understanding to work with him, because you wouldnt put us together if you didnt want to bless us. Amen.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
P.S. Watch out for those see you next tuesdays!
Monday, September 27, 2010
There's just no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It has to begin with you. Within you. It can't be around you in order to be effective. We have to start small, or it could be another disappointment.
There's nothing wrong with small. I'm a paper ship in a stream, but there's nothing to stop me from becoming a yacht in the Pacific. Nothing. Start with 2 books. One is called Roaring Lambs by the late Robert Briner. The other is called Plan B by Pete Wilson. I would encourage any and all women to read Goodbye Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us by Beth Moore. All 3 books have more than a common thread. Freedom, and the courage to embrace it.
So go do it already!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Grace had reconciled my heart and I heard the witness from all around me. I felt that agape love with B. I felt it at church. I have felt it from few and far between. I accept it though. I long for it and don't know a soul who doesn't.
Hey Ms. Independent! You got lost in those emeralds and rubies. The lyrics of American Pie fit in well. This proclamation hit me in the shower. I still itch and twitch. I was allergic to that dog! That one dog! That one that follows you home and you know not to pet it, or feed it, or allow it to look into your soul, but, you cant help it. A born nurturer. I scrubbed the dog. I put my hand down to relax, and his head was right there. We fit like a glove! I reasoned I couldn't afford it, too expensive, but no matter the cost, we kept it. Allergy aside, we progressed. I lingered with that dog till I could stand it. I took shots, tough shots, though worth it. I took benedryl all day, and slept cuddled against that dog I swore gave me allergies....until I stopped sneezing and became immune. He was the dog to fight for, because he extended the courtesy to fight for me.
My anomaly. I want my heart one way. Pure and agape.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
What happened? Do we not have jobs to hold down? Children to rear? Farms to tend? What??!!
I'm beyond help with this. I miss the old days. The old days don't have to be over. We just make the choice to let them be. Face it. It's laziness. Oh, and it's unattractive. I am flesh and blood. And this flesh and blood craves real life activities. Real life people. Granted, these sites have helped me come back into contact with folks with whom I am a true friend to. IDK peeps. It's got me feeling all deranged and crap. Oh well. Moving forward.
I did find 2 butterflies this morning. They were dead. But this is their time to die. Sad, isn't it? A chilling reminder time goes on, a reminder that there's something precious somewhere just about to disappear.
If you can't tell, this post is about realizing. Realizing behaviors, realizing people change, become bored and distracted. Half the time I'm living my own fairytale and then I get kicked back into reality. Believe me, the landing is never soft.
I had this thought in my head. About living the way Christ did. He loved all people. He congregated with poor, rich, sick, healthy. I think that is a huge draw to me as an adult and my decision to be Christian. Jesus just loved. No matter what. If he could help, he helped. Even though I will never be able to have huge passion filled debates about what is true or not, or get all bent out of shape over philosophy, I want to be like Jesus. Jesus never argued. Jesus accepted people for what they were and still does today. Believer or unbeliever. How fantastic.
Not much else, but reaching out sure feels better than isolating.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
If you read it on Facebook, there's no reason to tear it apart. Again, exercise control, grown-ups.
Whew! Now that I got that out of the way, let me begin with my real blog post. If I have learned anything worth telling you beloved, it's this. Life isn't perfect. We all want what we cant have, want what others have, don't want what we already have. My perspective has been all torn apart lately and I need to clarify it with me, myself, and Irene. I'm trying to leave her out of it, but she loves to be in the middle of it all. I have been reading about emotional predators. Just saying that phrase made you think of many people. Office Opal, Home bound Hannah, Driving you mad Dan, Hateful Husband Hal. The list is endless. I don't understand a soul and before you begin believing I am throwing stones, remember, I don't have poison people in my life, and neither should you. This goes on to our Facebook Peeps.
Emotional predators learn that being aggressive often gets them their way. They rely on others' anxiety as the key to getting their way.
Know this peep? On Facebook? At home? At work? Realize for one, only you can change yourself. Two, realize only you can control you. There is no way to eradicate these predators. They are just out there. You can protect yourself. You can change yourself. Just realize they have a dangerous appetite, and you do not have to feed them. Which reminds me of a conversation B and I had on Sunday. He had told me that his neighbors fed raccoons at one point and time. Not only are they vicious but they start relying on people for food. For survival. Just like those emotional predators. So don't feed the emotional predators! Just like raccoons, or deer, or any other wild animal. They are dangerous and wild. Emotional predators bring sickness and disease, and we could avoid the infection by simply not feeding them.
Off my high horse folks, gone to use Mama's loppers and not cut anything off.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Where are you is where I am. Upset over the past few months and with my mouth wide open, I seem to miss the food dropped in my mouth. Is it the lump in my throat that hinders my feeding?
The bug bite on my ear is much more swollen. My ear is swollen. Again, my throat is swollen. Too broke to go the doctor, and too proud to go even if I were Richey Rich.
I need you. Can you hear me?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
If I hear one more word about people relieved that the weather is cooling off, I may go into hyper-x-you-out-of-my-life tangent. And, If that isnt enough to burn your moustache hairs,
I might even point my finger at you. Dont push me. I understand that I have a high tolerance for heat, I'm not much of a sweating machine, and if I do sweat, it's okay. I work through it and I also tell myself I'm burning calories. Empty headed much? no.
B and I went hiking yesterday, we saw 2 bears, 2 lady deer, 3 bucks, and 2 macaws. It was amazing, and it did make my life. The bears were about 50 yards away from us. Amazing!!!
We also saw an immpressive millipede. I love taking inventory of the critters I see when we are out. I know what your thinking, really? Macaws? But really! Macaws! One blue, one red, both magnificent. A couple were hiking with them, and when we got to the falls, they were swimming with them!!! It was spectacular. I sat close to the edge of the water and hoped not to fall in and crack my skull open. Good news, this didnt happen. It was nice. I belong outside. In the heat. In the sunshine. These are my terms, adhere or get out of here. We saw many walks of life on our hike. Seniors, young couples, families. We even saw a couple with a young girl and a tiny baby. Wild. We hiked Abrhams. which isnt super difficult, but not super easy. Remembering to pick your feet up when you walk is more difficult than you think. You have to be alert when you hike, because anything can happen. The last bit is more challenging coming back, it's uphill and rocky.
It was fun, and we saw a lot of people in flip flops. Weird. Very weird. Oh, and unsafe.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Needing that flame. Needing that flame fed. You would imagine me as a wildfire. It would
have been an unforgiving burn. I was just a girl. Looking for attention, ready to be captivating.
Is that ego? More than likely. Found time to not be available. I didn't listen to Mr. Springfield, and I should have talked more to strangers, when he told me not to. I put my ear to the wall as if you were speaking to me through a glass. I looked for ghosts. We were both covered up. I realize that. Time monopolized by other things, people, or just wasted time.
I just try to better. Better than yesterday, better than before. I cant keep giving half of myself, and the rest of me concealed. I'm immune to stopping. More than ever. I'm more in tune with holding back and holding on. I should set those things loose. I still wait. I was on the mend, just around the bend. With a picnic background.
And I felt special.
Looking for volunteers to love and love the said volunteers. Now, I may be feeling some paranoia, but I promise to keep it in check. I don't have connections, only in my mind.
So I reach out. Sometimes, the reaching out is such a leap, I run right into brick walls. Covered with kudzu. Hot and cold, wrapped up in the crow's nest. Staring toward the sea. Or mountains. Or washing machine. Whichever is closest. I wont lose myself. I wont. I wont. I cant keep promises covered in knit sweaters from those old socks I thought I loved so much. I know I don't want to be crept on. I just (fill in the blank) to be told. I (fill in the blank) to stand outside with you.
Doing things in incorrect order, on the edge of oblivion, on the tip of your tongue, on the way. My profession seems no longer important and I haven't the urge to fit in. Because I fit in right here. I fit in this little spot with sufficient water to drink and living advantageously over the competition.
I swished my wine glass and layed on the rocks. I swept the porch, mowed the grass, wowed the girls and boys, and sat with a fit. I love blindly and forget my inability to hurt. I find myself in a corner longing. I talk to the cows and fret over their discomfort.
I never say enough, and I will start to open my mouth more.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
It stated that It may be time to give something up to get something better. I could take this a million different ways, I understand so right now I'm trying not to over think this. I'm all Alice in Wonderland. Trying to be sensible, get to the bottom of it, and have some fun in the meantime.
We all chase rabbit's with no result. So I have to just let that rabbit run....
I heard a sermon last night while bathing the boys. Dr. Charles Stanley, who I believe is a spiritual genius, spoke on how sin makes us choose, sin makes us weak, sin, is something we can decide to be in charge of. I felt convicted. I tell myself I can't do things. I remind myself how worthless I am. That doesn't glorify God and proves how see through my faith is. bear with me for a second. He also said we can cry, have stomach aches, and just plain feel misery, but this isn't a true repentant heart. When we Truly repent from sin, we don't have those old desires anymore. Remember, die from our old selves? Which enforces the name of this blog post all together. God, really does want us to be self-reliant. Which gives me insight to my horoscope. Now before you get all pitchfork waving on me, I do not worship my horoscope, or base my life choices on it, but I do have a open heart, I just don't let it rule my heart. I think the 2 are along the same lines of my life presently. Shouting almost. I just have to walk out on faith. Amazingly,
I am ready to make a running jump across that cliff of faith, and sometimes, you can't convince me to look faith's way. I believe I am about to make one of those life changing faith jumps. I don't know how prepared I am, I don't understand why I feel this way either. But, I am on alert.
Understand, my friends, hope will be restored. I am looking for this, and do not doubt it.
Today is my Sister's birthday and I am celebrating by weed eating. Congratulations! The celebration should be off the hook. So get ready Sister! Get ready!
Happy Birthday, Bean!!!!
P.S. I really miss our emails. Really.
Friday, August 20, 2010
I thanked Lori with her compliment and while she continued to tell me how painful it is, and how I wouldn't want it. Oh, but I do. I really do. Now before you get all Columbo on my ass, let me tell you why.
I am completely addicted to being the center of attention.
Kidding. Kind of.
I showed her my legs and flopped my arms at her and she wasn't impressed. We literally laughed like kids all day long and everyone gave us those "what's so funny" looks. We gave 'em the look back that says: I don't know!!!!!! It was pure genius.
That gal is the tits. She really is. A kindred spirit. My encouraging friend!
Uh, back to all epiphanies and all, my perspective has shifted a whole lot.....and this was all I could come up with..... Smooch!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Really. Trying to get over myself. That shouldnt be too difficult with Joaquin Pheonix and his new movie coming out. Thanks, Casey Affleck, I love you too! I hope it comes to the downtown West since you have to eagle eye the Metro Pulse for any kind of arts and crafts movie that you want to see, plus, B lives down West, and that would make it easier. Plz......
Hot and cold temperature-wise is a careful balance today. I'm froze. Then I'm hot as a fire cracker. It's mind warping. I am reading. I did stay up half the night. I did some productive thinking and actually did some productive tasks. I asked for a little more guidance, and I also asked for a match. Setting that insecurity on fire.
I said a lot over the past few days and had been told I dont open up easily. Its better for me to answer with one or two words. You see, lost in translation. Between the mind and the mouth is a loooong journey, and sometimes, just an utter is all that can be said efficiently. But, Im working on this.
Friday, August 13, 2010
I would like a small second with the apostle Paul.
I have no idea where I matter, and to reach out, the few are far between.
All of my peeps live far away. Even my own bf lives at an alarmingly lonely pace away.
Can I ask? Where are you?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Holla! Today, I am on. On it. On top of it. In the middle of it...........
I had a pep talk with my therapist this morning. She's fantastic. She encouraged me today and also listened to me. It was freedom. Then she asked me. Well, what do you want to do with your life? This question left me flabbergasted. Then she stated I needed adventures. She's right.
I wane. Due to lack of adventures. She had no idea the kind of flame that she sparked up.
Unless she reads this.
B and I did adventure yesterday. We walked in the woods. We sat by water. I wanted to belly flop in that stream, but I did refrain. There were many trees down. We sat on logs. I ran in front of B most of the time, but then I got all flabbergasted and worried I would get separated from him. I guess that's the Little Bo Peep in me. We told secrets and I talked and talked and talked.
B listens with intent and says yes, or no, or sometimes he might talk too much. The point is, we got away from the rat race and farms and rental houses and everything that clogs our arteries.
The park is under a lot of construction. Preservation. Preparation for winter. We couldnt hold hands cause it was too hot! B had an observation about me though. He said, youre sweating!!!
You never sweat!!! We all know this is a fib, but B thought it was funny, since I love the hot weather and all. I said, that's not sweat!!! I wollered my head in the water!!! (But that was only half true, I was sweating!!!) ha. It was a great day, and I was able to spend precious time with someone who is my equal in the love of the outdoors.
Smack my hiney, the next few days are gonna be a doozy, it's okay though. I made another appointment with my therapist, we have church this weekend. We have a miracle service this weekend, and before you pull out your sage and burn it and try to cast devils out of me, I am looking forward to this time. Pastor Chris has encouraged the congregation about having more faith. B and I are investing. We are fasting. We are praying. And, we are believing.
I asked God in a prayer to help me be like the man of the possessed boy. Lord, help me believe!
Admitting that my faith is weak and needs conditioning. I am praying for opened eyes, and open heart. I have already seen the work of His hand. I am happy. I am understanding. I do have value, and even when my value is taken away with hurtful words, too much space between, or plain old stubbornness, I think I just have to remind myself. I have to shake my unbelief. I have to realize that my value is not having a marriage, because marriage for most is a big joke, or the fact that one has kids, and kidding themselves to be only that to be the bane of their existence.
I do appreciate that only I can make my household run. I appreciate that I can mow my yard. On my own. I appreciate myself, I am not replaceable, and I believe that's a good start.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I am a mountain cat.
Hear me purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I've had money thrown at me, and not in a good way today. I laughed today and had someone ask me what I was laughing at. By the way, nothing funny had been said, but apparently the facade is breaking. B works tonight. B wants to go to early church tomorrow. Paula doesn't want to drive to early church tomorrow. I'm not sure how to feel. Bored? 30? Half-full? Insufficient? I tried living in a fantasy world, and that was one bad move, dude. Real life is a nerve racking adventure that makes me uncomfortable. I need a middle.
I had an epiphany last night at my parents. It's still too early to discuss this though.
I have been making to-do lists, and surprisingly, this has earned me some coping skills and also generate a little focus. Let's not get carried away here, but I feel something homemade coming on.
Have I mentioned how weird it is B works 3rd shift? It's really odd. His 4 days on are murder in a box. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. I should look forward to you, but, now I'm all knock-kneed.
Uh, did I mention how tough it is to be in an adult realationship with a boo who works 3rds and lives 40 minutes away? It's weird! I feel as if all the little compartments of my life are just shattering! At this time, the magic should be coming together. Er, not yet.
Gah. The farm work NEVER ends either. How do you explain this to cattle who need to be tended to? I will tell you. All your complaints fall on deaf ears, but, at least it gets out in the open. A cheap form of therapy? Absolutely. No judgement either. They chew their cud and look at you through the fly eye patches. I feed 'em watermelon rhines and squash.
I dug out all the old leaves by the house and my eyes are puffed out of my face. I look similar to E.T., a cute E.T., but an E.T. nonetheless. I sprayed poison and acted like a crazy jay hawk to keep Ladybird away. I'm sweating just thinking about it. I enjoy summer, bring on the heat....
Spraying the poison? Not really a big deal. Mixing the crap? Another matter. Lugging it around?
Ya know what though? It's all okay. This is my life and I have to remember baby steps.....
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The cows WERE NOT cooperative yesterday, and instead of us scaring every one of them further into the woods and waiting out for hours on end, we just left 'em. Rental house?
Workers, not us, but workers were there yesterday so we thought we might be in the way!!!
We cut out and went to the mountains, but more of that later.
I mowed the yard and weed eated all kinds if things and managed not to get poison ivy, or get bitten by anything, or fall. These 3 things sound a little far fetched, but believe you me, this is an accomplishment. I even mowed the hilly parts. It's not for the weak, and I am always terrified I'm going to be sucked into the mower, or fall on the electric fence. AGAIN.
Champ mostly laid around in the sun, and Tiger ate pears falling off the tree. He was full, and Champ was satisfied with assisting with the mowing barking at the mower and looking at me
as if I were maiming the yard. I will have you know, the yard looks fantastic. No matter how harshly Champ grades my effort.
I am not done with mowing though, I have to get by the barn tonight. After a meeting. After the grocery store. And after starting lazy chicken. That's right fellas. I work, I meet, I wow, and I
manage to cook a meal. On the daily. Okay, okay, sometimes it's a bowl of cheerios. Ya cannibals.
B and I did manage to go to the mountains, but the place we wanted to go was closed. Claimed our TN recovery money was at work. I was miffed. It all worked out though, we ate a bad lunch but were able to make a Ranger Danger before Winter collides List of things to do between the
end of summer, and ultimate winter. Before we get into this list, I am attempting skiing this winter. I KNOW! I sound like a bobcat speaking Italian. Why not try it?
Some of the list:
Well, turns out due to legal matters, I cannot reveal any of this list at this time. : )
Monday, August 2, 2010
B and I have farm work tomorrow. We have farm work in between the 2 farms. I am already taking benedryl. I am wearing knee socks and boots. Cows have to be moved. The rental house needs to be worked on. Oh, and I think we have to chase mice too. I have trash to run off, a yard that needs to be mowed, and dogs to bathe. We might have time to lay in the river, and I hope so!!!!
I have an educated step up.
Church was great yesterday. Pastor Chris pointed out that we need to be dynamically different than the world. With all the things in life that consume us, we need to be separated from things that are fleeting. I use the word "things" very loosely. There are many things that bind our hearts in order for them to perform insufficiently. What a waste. The past week I have been tortured by what the world seems to offer. Chasing blindly for a unfulfilled life that has dangerous snares. I accept all the work I do/have to do/will do, because only I can do it. Work on myself, through unforeseen circumstances or options brought on by my own choice. Paul, in the bible, called being in the dungeon a "light affliction." If Paul laying in a dungeon can see the difference in his circumstances, or desires of the heart and flesh, I think I can work on that. You would think that Pastor Chris delivering this sermon would have made me a crying mess and generally it does when I am full of conviction. It was more of a moment of clarity and feeling better. It was a lazy Sunday, and discussing what we need to do with the week. It's going to be a long one.....
Let me be for days on end, these whispers of time that multiply for months. Remind me of the great courage reaped by times of being alone, learning lessons that were only provided to me. I am brought out out of the wilderness, flattered by the confidence placed upon my heart.
Purchasing my hour of decision through refining fire and heavenly grace.
The same crows that fed Elijah are the same that come to me. I love the reverence of crows.
In the fact God opened my eyes to these precious creatures who long to guide me. Protected me as I ran through dark forests, avoiding giants, and refusing to leave me behind.
Seeing true love. And surrendering to it.
I told myself I am a valuable prize.
And, I believe it.
I also believe there are some solid-rock epiphanies coming. I believe there are super natural powers working behind the scenes.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I like to replace the second tough with my name.
When the going gets tough, the Paula gets going.
Having a lack of whatever doesn't handicap me. It actually empowers me, and helps change me.
Sometimes you lose. Sometimes, we have to start over.
I overcome these overwhelming supposed needs.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at the break of day.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
She said it, and I felt in complete harmony.
Even though we were miles apart, it was as if we were sitting right there together. Champ with his tongue out, sleeping like an angel. Tiger, perched on my shoulder as if I were to say; "Walk the plank!!!"
Where is this excitement? Why am I a blade of grass in the field? I need something. Boy, is that validating to say. I don't need much money. (That last statement made me laugh.) I had a pretty good thought. I don't want to be a zombie. Zombie's only eat brains. Where's the variety? Only brains? Day in, day out. How 'bout a kidney, dude? Whatever. I long for fulfillment.
I was running a good race, but I feel worn out. I suppose right now it would be a good idea to get prepared for my second wind.
The second wind has to be on it's way.
God sent me a crow today with a worm in it's mouth, just as I thought we were far away.
I also saw a hot pink gremlin, but I think that's just a common part of the game.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Today has been alright. I'm not writing. Ive lost all hunger to pursue the things I love. Except for taking time off. Time off is something I love and kind of covet. I realized that taking time off doesnt stop the world on it's axis. I realize that it's okay for me to be jealous. Ive realized that it's more than okay to not soak up bad mojo form other peeps. Ive also realized that I need way more camping in my life. I realize that sacrifice is worth the prize. I also found out that that not everyone is out to get me, but I still prefer to remain on guard.
I know that I am not talking to a plethora of people that I miss. Terry, Ben, Landa. The lines of communication work both ways, I know. I can't help to miss them though.
Monday, July 12, 2010
One day I was so sick. My heart hurt. My toenails felt heavy. I cried. And it sucked. One day I got all the old coke cans out of the barn. Then I shot them down one by one. I get restless and can't sleep. I make up lists of things I'm going to do tomorrow, then run out of daylight or energy again. I think about Jen's compliment: A Paula cottage!!! And that's exactly what my little home is. I kiss the doggies. Even when they haven't been bathed. I love a good story. I love pretend. I make little pillows and put them in the dog's kennels. Even for Ladybird. (She hides hers.) I make huge meals for the people I miss. I think about you. Even when I'm not supposed to. I wonder if you missed me. I draw pictures of the future. I throw fits. I get my way and then get mad about it. I pray. I watch the flood waters rise. I get a kick out of the obscene. I try. I rope cattle. I hide in the barn. I try not to get stung by bees. I lay low in the grass. I wait.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Good news though. Tuesday, was terrific. I slept in. The dogs slept in. Like little troopers they slept in. I went on a picnic with B. I waded in river water. I got dirty. I wore a too tight shirt that B encouraged me to wear. ha. We drove through Cades Cove. I talked to a huge horse that I named Sampson. We saw a plethora of deer. We ate cookies. We were able to spend the whole day and evening together, and I didn't want it to end.
Today is Wednesday. I'm convinced something new is right around the bend.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Champ saw the cows running for the water trough this morning and they rampaged the trail. I was afraid that Champ would get in the way and be knocked dead. Because he ran right for them. That's the price for having a sweet deaf dog and raging cattle aching for water.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Boomerang words. An assortment of emotions and ghosts. I only slightly shake when I get overwhelmed. I wave at the girl I was a year ago. Next year, I will do the same. If I can just admit, I'm ready to get started on Life. I have had 4 different people ask me today if I ever get lonely. This is an over sensitive question anyway, so I reply with a defensive no. Although, I would rather be alone than around people feeling alone. The mere emotion of alone, and the actual act of alone, are 2 different animals. Their species are barely a glimpse of each other.
This is why I smoke the pretend cigarettes. (Never do this in public, BTW.)
I guess in order to be taken seriously, I may have to start taking myself seriously. This may be a scary venture. Why not?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I did acquire a baked fried chicken recipe that I kind of figured out on my own anyway. I just need people to cook for. How irritating!!! I cook well, my own Daddy said so. I like country food and think it can be made in healthy ways, but it's good to add a little butter to everything. It's the only way my southern buds can actually taste any kind of food. I guess I could have a little ho down. If only people could show up. I sound discouraged, don't I? I suppose I am today. Not afraid, a touch anxious. And mad. Not mad, mad. But mad. I'm ready for changes that aren't necessary for me yet...... What a bummer.
With everything and nothing going on at the same time, and not to point fingers.... but gumption is something I need for my fuel tank. I haven't been on a hike in ages. B is working. I am grateful. This lamb though, spoiled by a wonderful day with B on Tuesday, really wants more of those days. It was a glimpse of how things are with B. It was comfort. Now just leave me here to dry.
I won't lie. It's a work in progress and I hope we always have a romantic, artistic eye for our realationship. I didn't mean for that to sound dirty, I just meant it in a "JFK eternal flame" type of way. Constant. It's okay of life isn't guaranteed, just as long as God directs our footpaths, and I continue to cultivate my gift of discernment.
Besides the boogey men and gremlins, it's all really the same.
And I'm pissed we can't go on the canoeing trip at the end of July.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Things have been crazy and jumbled. Busy. It's summer! I think I am one of those free spirits. Compulsive free spirits, but a free one at that. I have these raging lists in my head for the rest of the summer. Things like, having a fried chicken picnic with B. Swimming, even though I am not a great swimmer. I am, a fabulous dog paddler. I am just that fancy. I have been writing a list of places I want to go. I am saving money, but I am spending at the same time. I am switching the boys to their own baby beds. Which is tough. Those fellers are my babes. A sense of wonderful security. I am in control of my allergies. I am working on to have a handle of my emotions. Appreciating my Daddy and Mama. Missing the time I could have spent with, well, anyone. Stepping in and out of the shadows, and trying to facilitate myself into better situations. Praying for God's goodness. Understanding the lessons. Learning to play golf. AT LEAST TO CONNECT WITH THE BALL. I am cooking. A lot. And, I think I'm pretty good at at. Reading. I mean, really reading. Reading things that don't ultimately interest me. I just long for self-improvement. I have been listening to more classic rock, so there I am. Living without air conditioning in the car. Thankful it's not my home. We would just have to abandon the place, or at least leave a sign on the door: GONE FISHIN'......
B is doing his best to push me, at least this is the discussion before church yesterday. I had already been up since the crack of dawn and since church has a late service at 11:45, this is the one we sashayed into. We were all talky, excited, and silly. Then B asks me questions. Let's get this right. B doesn't just ask questions. B asks questions with such intensity because he is living to understand. It's pure genius, downright maniacal. B told me that the reason he pushed me so hard is because he knows that I have a lot in me, and would love to hear about all of it! that made me smile, and I feel loved! He wants me to get to the root of things, and really discuss things. I don't have to agree with him, which is nice. I just have to form my own opinion, and stand rooted in my belief. What a nice feature on a friend. He just wants to get it. Other than his other observation with me is that you can be close to me and be like a mushroom. Take a lot of shit and be left in the dark. This only happens because once I am done with something mentally, I have literally washed my hands of it, and put it out of my head. I try not to be too stinky on him. Ya know, wear skirts. Keep him focused. Until we are back in the closet in the bedroom together and being questioned like a silly house cat.
Back on some kind of subject. I saw this show about a lobster. Well, the show wasn't about the lobster, but I made this lobster the star of the show. And it only took 28 minutes. It was so and so's show, and she had already made her way back to California or wherever. Her buddies had stayed behind and had a drunken night in Mexico. Which is great and fine. One of the buddies steals the lobster out of the tank. Takes it to the beach. Runs with this lobster. In his hands. Running and lobster holding doesn't sound like a great comedy team. It makes me think of running with scissors, and heavy death metal. The buddy, with the lobster, ends up at the shore and is laughing like drunk buddies do, trying to set this thing free. Buddy, throws Mr. Man lobster like a rock. Buddy, satisfied with his efforts in saving the lobsters, probably killed this thing. 28 minutes to find this out. To find out this helpless lobster, that would have been more than satisfied to live his life to the fullest, providing that whole circle of life thing..... Being boiled alive and eaten. This was his God given right. Who am I to ramble on about lobsters? Really nobody, but I even screamed at the TV - TAKE THE RUBBER BANDS OFF!!! If Mr. Man Lobster did survive, do you think he had one of his buddies, to snip him free? No, because he's a sea creature, and they don't know anything but survival. If there hasn't been a lesson in all this, please don't let drunk buddies throw purpose driven lobsters back into the wild.......
Thursday, June 24, 2010
My parent's rental house was burglarized again today. This has happened twice, and no, I do not live in Compton. Not there's anything wrong with that, but my sense of security is shaky. WTF? Oh well, I sit with my revolver in my living room ready to go. Tiger wears a funny vest. Champ just lays outside in the sun. Like an albino raisin in the sun......
Gah, I miss my friends, and so ready for good things to flourish. My desert is not as vast as others right now but I'm just burned out. I feel myself putting on my socks and shoes, and right as I go to play; I gotta finish something "important."
I hope we get to talk soon. I'm still eating clean even though my body craves refined sugar like a junkie. I'm working through some things, and all I can do is keep going.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Does this mean I am packing a cooler full of ice and strapping Champ into his car seat so we can track down those little albino squirrels living in Illinois? Maybe soon, but not today. I am dealing with massive confusion, questioning if I really am seeing gremlins in place of inanimate objects, and not feeding the oscillating fan after midnight. Just trying here, cause that's all I can really do. I decided early today that I would not be picking myself apart of becoming this scared little pigeon waiting in the wings. I need to pick up Daddy's father's day present. Gas up someone's renegade lawn mower. Attempt to put sentences together, and try not to flip out in the process. Really. This is where I am.
Secretly hoping my self tanner kicks in sooner rather than later, the smell is the stumbling block. I got rid of those clothes with all the holes in them. So what now? Fashion and I don't really mix, and lately I have been thinking that a towel would be an acceptable form of dress. It is summer after all, and I encourage us to soak up some sun.
B will be off next Tuesday with me, and I think I'm going to make fried chicken and have him drive us to a swimmin' hole. I just want to lay on a blanket all day. With him. Or you, if you can make it. Don't worry though, I will take my medicine to guard against Rockin' pneumonia and the boogey woogey blues.......
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Whatever your means of personal expression. Move over rover, we have become undefined. Some enjoy the absolute freedom of being undefined. Whether in your own person, realationship, hobby, whatever. If undefined is okay and not hurtful to others, then that's cool. Except the part of being undefined also brings responsibility and waves of hurt. Always. 2 people can have an undisclosed agreement between each other and because of our human natures, human feelings, and all that wonderful mess we always get hurt. So be careful in those uncharted waters! I realize we wake to each day not knowing if life is going to pull down our underpants in the middle of lunch in front of everybody.... Leaving us ashamed, hurt, and never wanting to wake again. This is not inspirational here, just talking things out. I wont say life wont ever hurt you, because it does. And like a good friend told me this week: WHY WONT ANYONE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT THEY DO???!!!!???
This is an excellent question. No one ever believes they have done wrong. Or they don't want to know/believe they have done wrong. Maybe oblivion has great weather and it may be a more safe atmosphere...... Who knows?
Do you want to do acrobatics? All I know is to focus on what you can change, even the alcoholics know that one...... I am sunburned. Terribly. In all the wake of this, this, discussion. I sit here with a burning chest.
If we keep wearing red and the bull constantly chases us, who is in the wrong?
Never accept bad behavior and never facilitate bad behavior. It saves a lot of time and energy. It's also freedom.......
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Be mad about it for no reason? I don't know. I do know, that it sent a flood of information in my head. This morning, I sent the letter back. Unopened. And with a clear conscience. Almost relieved. Do I believe sharp shooters are hanging out in the cherry trees by the driveway? You better believe I do..... and I also danced with my mailman 2 weeks ago at Brandon's wedding, seeing that my mailman, Chuck, is Brandon's step dad. Oh, and I'm sure he knows unlimited things about me, all due to the honesty of my mailbox. Chuck, being here nor there, may have bumped his head. You see, why did he leave that letter since he knows all kinds of sensitive information about me? There may have been a replacement mailman that day disguised as Chuck, and this person had no idea they were delivering a little piece of Jiminy Cricket right into my hot pink mailbox. (AND THAT SOUNDED FILTHY.) I can't fault that person pretending to be Chuck just for being honest, and doing their job. I just can't. Back to Eagle Eye in the trees, I continue with caution, that there were Crows about. Which sealed the deal with my conscience and my judgement, so carefully this morning I scribbled: RETURN TO SENDER
I kept my honesty intact. A small thing, and then I let the cat out of the bag to you. Telling on myself to satisfy that I had done the right thing? Maybe. More of, it's what I was going to do anyway....... then I listened to a ton of David Bowie.