Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Inspiration from Bowie

Or more inspiration from Bowie. I heard him say he would be an excellent Catholic due to the fact he is such an idea purger. I kind of paraphrased that. Whatever Bowie comes up with, it comes out. I understand. I understand that relentless want, just to get it out. Except the difference between Bowie and I, is he actually finishes his purging. I start. Violently. Then I putter out. Except I become overly compulsive, defensive. Stripped. I purge to try. Bowie purges and claims victory. The very truth is, I just need help. And the truth is, all my life lines are far away. Through mostly no fault of their own. Then I have to create my own life lines. Then, I'm way too isolated to be reached by any soul. I cut myself off. At least that's what I believe. Listen. I'm belting my pants. Tight. I gotta get a hold of everything sliding out the front door. Therefore, in comes the purging. I'm really not trying to confuse you, or lose you, I'm trying in earnest to explain. The next few months are going to be hard. I'm not joking. The more I open my eyes and realize it, the better off I might be. The more I am willing to let go of, the more I could gain. And that sounds peaceful.

Monday, December 27, 2010


Dedication is a careful practice. Hard to hold onto. Easily forgotten about. I gotta rework this whole thing. This whole isolation thing. This whole "let me pat you on the rear, just to pacify me for a moment" thing. I'm not sure when everything fell apart for you. Do you remember? The day you gave up and just had expectations for everyone but yourself? That way, surely, you weren't disappointing life, life was supposedly disappointing you. I am learning to let go even more. And that hurts. I sometimes feel like my heart is impossibly 5 sizes too small. Just to fit in. I didn't freak out when you embarrassed me in front of the family. I took the chance to get through it and enjoy the time I had. Even though, it was tough. No excuses anymore. But, I wont give up. Even though I am fighting not to. I'm right here. I did explode just like you though. I always do. I get to a point.... and I explode. Which isn't how I need to live. I don't want to be pushed away just like you don't want to be pushed away. Wheres the effort? My heart is broken from the way I made up life growing up. Maybe it wasn't made up.

My comfort today comes from Galatians 6:9-10. "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially those who are of the household of faith."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I bit my lip....

Christmas is on its way. Believe you me, Im just as nervous as the rest of the nervous nellys I lead. I flatter myself into thinking I have lackeys. But, thats how I roll... all presumptuous like. Let me begin with Tuesday. Day off. Finish shopping, and get my annual text from my mother a few days before a major holiday telling me what time to swish by. Really. Thats what happens. Its ok. Im a survivor and all that Beyonce talk. One word to describe Tuesday. Meltdown. Inside. I get all zombie eyed and zone out. B and Jme were all, its ok.....I was all, No Beuno! I am finished. Which was a surprise. Usually, Im still plotting and flipping out, and angry at myself for not making my lists earlier. whatever. I was probably more nanners than the actual mall, which if you didnt know, is part of my essential charm. I am a total drama queen, and comparably so to Champ as explained by B last night. Last night. Was. Weird. B came up to stay and tried to sleep in my midget bed that is usually reserved for me and Champy and Tiger. 1 midget and 1 normal sized man in one bed, you guessed it! No beuno! Champ paced the house. Tiger perched by the stove. We were all up all night. Restless. Because of the midget bed. Oh well. I am glad B came to visit before he has to work the entire weekend. B goes back to work Christmas Eve! Can you believe that? All because "The Man" says so. I no likey "The Man." On a lighter note, I hope your Christmas is Merry no matter the time or way you celebrate it! Meow!

P.S. Grandma got ran over by a Rieendeer was written by a Veterinarian. It's true.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Begone Naysayers!

I don't know how much time you spend with only yourself, but my coping mechanism is digging deep, finding that uncomfortable feeling in my belly, and trying to understand it. Also, just coming to the resolution that only you can be you, and only you can make yourself truly happy with yourself. That's the hard part. No one else can make that happen.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dangerous Battle

It's time to tell you. A little about time travel. I had dreams last night. I dreamt of the future and possibly dreamt of the past. Generally speaking, I'm just trying to get through a day at a time. Since I decide to remember my yesterdays, it teleports me to the future. Although uncertain, the future is on it's way. I'm at a crossroads. Maybe because it's Christmas, or that it's December 2010. I'm not exactly positive. I am sure eating my way through this month is a horrible idea. I am certain I am pushing all the ugly thoughts in my head, and new words appear. Responsibility. Self-Discipline. Discernment. Ah. In that all too familiar battle with self and want. Even though I push the selfish little bird out of her nest, she always remembers her beginning. I remind her that it's all a matter of time. As usual, she hates to hear this, so she generally leaves. But not without a fight. Not without (almost) torment. I ask her to let it go, feel better soon! She doesnt appreciate the "Get well soon" card I send her after she leaves. That's her nature, unappreciative and focused soley only on herself. After time, she gets ahold of herself, and eventually lets go.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Sometimes, life is boring. Blah. I hate that life is just boring sometimes. That makes it all even more boring! Life on an island is boring too. We all want what is just out of reach. Keep fighting the good fight and all that jazzzzzzzz. See? I fell asleep just typing that! I feel like the epitome of patient. Ah, the life of of a martyr. Never ending. (Insert laugh here.) There are times when I just feel dead. Horrible. But we all know God promises good things.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

That verse is an example of God promising good for His people.

Pastor Greg Laurie, helping me once again, "There are really two kinds of people in the world: those who are going through a crisis and those who will go through a crisis." Either one that you are, have faith. Keep hoping. Don't give up. And don't forget to encourage each other. I mean, I feel as if I'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean. But I still look for you, and know that you are there.

For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. Matthew 5:45

In this verse, I think He is saying, it doesn't matter, good or bad, whatever we think we are. Keep hoping, and understand the things we go through isn't about hurting us, or He is against us, He loves you just the same no matter the circumstance or divide.

Perception is a matter of vision. Look past it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


True motives of our heart will be laid bare, and the Lord will evaluate our entire lives. This is an excerpt from Pastor Greg Laurie's blog. It is a chilling and honest look at how our hearts will always tell the tale. Some say, think with your head, not your heart. This apparently isnt always true, and not always the best medicine for a person. Sometimes, we are shrouded in such bitterness and hatred that our evil little hearts will not allow us to look past ourselves. There are times when our hearts lead us down a path to enlightenment and feelings of wholeness. The truth is, we have to be honest enough to look within ourselves, our own hearts and allow Christ Jesus to heal us and be ready for Him to come. Because He is coming folks. Jesus is coming this Christmas to minister to us, just as He ministers to me everyday.

God met us there and united our hearts with purpose and a passion to see it through. This is an excerpt from Marybeth Whalen on Proverbs 31 ministry blog. She was talking about finances, a thing taken for granted by everyone every day. I believe in making personal mission statements and obtaining goals. Realistic goals, and Ms. Whaley's statement struck me with hope. More talk of hope today, I'm way too ahead to give up. This post is pretty erratic, but I don't have much time. I at least wanted to point you in the direction in where I am. (or going)

Fear the Lord, you his saints for those who fear him lack nothing. Psalm 34:9

Saturday, December 4, 2010

No Parking!

It's no secret I love to write. It's no secret I can be erratic. I hate it when the 2 run together though. I become discouraged, I suppose. Or I think I have to be writing with purpose, and that makes my erratic brain just go haywire. I don't think I need to try harder. I think I just need to do what feels natural. My body is in a real weird rhythm. Sporadic. Almost. I get it. I eat. I drink water. All the time it seems. I love sugar, crave alcohol. Then, my body flips out. Just like Champy did last night.

I have discovered, that isolation brings nastiness over me. In my attitude, in my overall health. I am hoping for a different path soon. And we all know how I feel about hope, right? Thank goodness we can always hang on to that tangible hope.

I am glad, however, I am not like everyone and everything else. There is a difference. It's in me, and it's in you!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hope Floats - Dang it, Sandra!

Believe it or not, our purpose of life is everywhere, especially when we can actually have the courage to see it. Which is difficult, and sometimes a bitter place. Hidden hope is also a thing we have to have the heart and courage to look for also. Don't take hope so lightly, discouragement will follow. And don't get me wrong, I'm ready to get this rocket ship off the ground just as much as you do. My eyes get weary on the horizon. Maybe I look too hard on occasion. We all have those moments where we take a big step back and ask, "Is this my life?" Always answer with a hardy yes. This will also take a huge amount of courage, but it can be done. We blaze through the steps and just look at the possible outcome. Well, chickens, outcome is never predictable, and hardly ever looks like what we wanted to accomplish in the first place. That, is okay! It might be different. It might look like an ostrich when you asked for a sleek panther. Grab that ostrich and live the love out of it. Which is all we can do, and realistically, ask ourselves to do. At this point, we have way too many to-do lists, way too many expectations, when all in all, we gotta give ourselves a pat on the back to keep moving forward. We made it this far, sucka, and I will keep going! When the will dies, we die. Even when we can't admit it. It's written all over our faces. It looks like yesterday's mascara underneath our eyelids. Keep in mind the ostrich. Live the love out of it, and rebuke the naysayers.

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:13-14

Monday, November 29, 2010


Okay. I 'm going to tell you a big secret! I'm really excited about Christmas, and for no other reason is that every year after dreading all of the process of the holidays, I have decided to embrace it. Instead of running away from it. Instead of trying, I'm just going to do it. Besides, I love Jesus way too much to not celebrate Him. Confessing that I am looking forward to the holidays proves how fast I am improving. On the inside. I just hope it makes it's way to the outside.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Sometimes, they love you. Sometimes, they hate you. They love you to lie, they love the lies you tell. Sometimes, they call you out, sometimes, you become fortunate enough to call them out. They listen, or your words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes, we learn, or we refuse. Turn away, return once again. Prodigal son or daughter, won't you come on home! Forget it all, because it will soon be forgotten. Never forget! The sooner you accept, the sooner you can get on the ship to move on. Move forward. Forge ahead, don't look back, because it always looks as bad as it was or as good as your mind will let you believe. So celebrate, and still hold a grudge. Let go, and life can be more authentic. More real. Life can be more, if allowed. Ignore, and be even more ill. Be your own stumbling block is more of what we hear today, but tomorrow will be gone, full of regret. And we just have to stop that foolishness. So let's all be willing.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Mistaken Identity

Last night was intense. I had a dream that intertwined so many events that happened in my life. The dream kind of circled around 2 relationships I had. They smashed together in a way that left me forcing myself to sleep, just to see what happens next. I don't believe I am being clever here, I just think I am empathizing with Alice. There's really nothing wrong with that you know. Accepting those crazy dreams that you cant stand to dream, but almost thankful for that creepy experience. Yeah, it was haunting. But it was also superficial. Riding and manipulating my real life, as opposed to dream life. My mind looks like a field full of rabbit holes, and it isn't cute. I suppose we have to accept what goes on in our minds as we sleep. Dreams are those flung out dishrags that stink in the sink. In hindsight, dreams are the portal to living too.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Formal Boycott

I welcome you today to my most recent boycott. Thanksgiving, and coming back from vacation. I got a lot done, with no surprise there. I have a uncanny way of writing lists and getting things crossed off like a uber effective robot. I had some time to myself which was nice. No demands from anyone else but myself or the dogs. It was great. Not thinking of anyone else or anyone else's dogs. That was pure pleasure. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of panic, fear, and aggression pent up somewhere, but I'm holding that crap in like a crazy spider holding her thousands of babies in her birth sac. You got it. I'm totally a pot on the stove. Barely boiling. Shocker.

Is it fear? Is that all that holds you back? You need to answer this one. And it needs to be your final answer. It also needs to be the true, correct answer. The clue to your heart. Come on now, this question isnt for sissies. And you aint no sissy, Right?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Mulchin' leaves

it felt so good to hear how supportive you are about my raised anxiety levels about this coming week. I am at odds about it all. I want to look in one direction and just start walking that line. We can do nothing at all and that would be special. The hole in my heart makes me swallow the darn thing whole. (These are not the droids you are looking for....) Smooches and hugs.

Im nowhere and everywhere I want to be. Imallcaughtup.....

Monday, November 8, 2010

The other side.

Alright. The precious line of submission and clarity. Those simple times of recognition. I have a heard a few stories about being happy in circumstances that are less than ideal today. Those times of not quite being where you want to be, but being glad that those circumstances are catapulting you into the area of the life you want to be. It's all about perspective and all about taking your lemons and tasting that sweet lemonade it turned into. Pushing past those uncomfortable moments that are necessary to transform your ego. Sometimes we are bludgeoned by our circumstances to the point of needing some kind of resuscitation, so to speak. There are times where you beg and welcome those murdering moments in time. There are also times where you clean everything out and haul it off to the landfill. There are times you throw stuff out the door and wait for the weather to rain on it, or have a LBD run off with it. You could just care less, and that's okay. Some might even say you had a nervous breakdown. Some may have pity on you. Some my care less. You have to learn how to savor those moments, my dear. That is when you find out the meat of your true self. What you will or won't handle. Today, as in Monday, I am trying to just let go. I am just saying no, and not worrying about if it will ultimately change my outlook or finances. It was liberating. Here I am trying to hold on to the last pork chop bone, and that just doesnt always have to be the case. We can cherish and worship that pork chop bone, we can worry if we can live with, or without the coveted pork chop bone. 9 times out of 10, the pork chop bone is the last of our worries. Nothing to fear. Sometimes you have to take that pork chop bone in your mouth and fly through the jungle on the grapevine and take a huge leap of faith. It depends on your personal pork chop bone's threshold. Whether that be pain, courage, or well, cahonaes.

I am also saying yes. Yes to family. Yes to people who love me. Yes to myself. Saying yes to myself has been more liberating than anything, but that's always the case dahling....

Only you can define your true needs and outline what is realistically going to work for you. Always depend on your gut, and for pete's sake, stay out of that pit of despair. Just look for the ravens, because they will send you food. We only have to be wise enough to ask for God to send them.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Toot the horn!

Auspicious. Basically "favorable circumstances." Right now is probably when I can use this word. I don't have to worry about a cheating husband/boyfriend/mate, despondent and playing video games when home. I have a pretty kick ass boyfriend who is, and I do mean to brag, is just the tits in my opinion. Someone who puts me first. B never sees the obstacle, generally the favorable outcome. So farty fart!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Electric Slide

Okay. The pot is on the stove so to speak. Plugged in. I had read today that after the birth of a child people feel intensely creative and motivated. I hope this is how Sue feels after Clementine is born, and I'm sure she will! I posted a video on Facebook - The title is Send it Sistah! And, the video is breathtaking and nothing short of amazing. One part talks about why these gals do what they do - one had said it made her "face herself." That's inspiring. I also heard something on a show last night that stuck me - "Learn not to make decisions in fear." That's a toughie, even if you believe in The Holy Spirit or not. Fear, generally is not healthy. Neither is giving up.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Idle Idol

Turns out I have quite a bit on my heart today and it came out through my eyes. I had a very tight chest and poured it all out of the pitcher known as my heart. It was a great moment. You know those times after you just admit what has you all a tizzle, and you feel better? As in feeling better in quantum measurements? Yeah, it was that awesome. Let's rehash some things here. Let's start with dreams as of late. I have dreamed about bears, invisible man, boats. Maybe not in that order and not at the same time either, but I have dreamed all of these interesting dreams. Apparently I have also created a shoe fetish that arrived this week also. Very strange. The whole shoe thing has made me go into heat in some respect there. I really want to buy things. I also really want to decorate and paint. At the bookstore/antique store and listen to funk for a while. I want to become the unexpected. It felt just like that time my heart was broken into a million pieces and I had to figure out how to heal. It felt like when I told Jme that she was a cheater and a cheatee and that was probably confusing all in itself. I suppose it's self-reflection. I suppose it's self-awareness, but whatever it is, it turns into almost a melancholy moment. I took a picture of a tree in the dark this morning. It was neat. It was right by the outside light, and just enough of it turned out. It was good enough for me. There are a few words that have been calling out to me, love is one. Love yourself, love others, love always. Love and the world can see God in you.

Negativity is born in the gap where love has been excluded. Gaps occur in places where we are afraid to see ourselves. - Deepak Chopra

I like that, and can believe that. Remember the post about Uz? I still feel like I might be at the outskirts of Uz. Uz is that place we have to remember where we were in order to keep on going. Fighting that good fight, if you will.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Seasons change

And so do we. Drastically it seems when we dare to look back. Gr. I hope you are well, because I am. There's much to discuss today. I'm still reading. I'm still writing. I had a stroke of genius on Thursday, and now it's hidden under the covers - cough due to cold is the diagnosis. That's okay, genius, feel better, then we can air it all out later. Um, where to start? I did un-Sunday things yesterday, that made the day go by. I cleaned out the smokehouse. I arranged the vines around the smokehouse, raked. Almost, spray painted things. Then, got scared. I really hate that. I was more scared of the wasps around the area I wanted to do projects with yesterday. That's reasonable fear. Especially since United Medical and St. Mary's can't come to an agreeable contract, and the closest ER would be Morristown or Knoxville. I am unbelievably susceptible to allergies right now, I decided to not tempt being stung. And dying. and that's no joke. But I guess you cant put a price on your health. B and I are doing the Cherohala tomorrow. B and I are on the same page right now with hating living apart, we live separate physical lives, and most of the time you have to be married to live that kind of life! Laugh, that was a joke, but a honest joke. I wouldnt describe our realationship as dramatic and dry. I would describe it as real as it can get. We see each others insecurities and we both have decided we can live with those. We accept that life can change, we can change, but hopefully we wont smother each other to death and eventually push each other apart. We see it too often, and to be honest, it hits the front porch more than we can admit. You see, I know that B could just leave. Maybe this is something you dont think about because it hurts, or it's uncomfortable, but the more you realize bad things can happen, the more open you can be. At least, this has been my experience. I think when you talk about the bad and the good, the more open you can be with everyone. One thing I like about B is he comes through. No matter what. I dont see this as a quality that will fade with me, because B is this way with everyone. That's admirable. Don't get me wrong, there's going to be times when we let each other down, intentionally or not, but it will happen. The sooner we accept each other for the way each other are, the better off we will be in our realationship. We dont have to be perfect, but we both cant be with people we want to change. Trying to change someone is madness, and wishing your life away isnt healthy either. Instead of hoping for the future, B and I are going to live in it. Separate or not. It's just that easy, and just that complicated too. I didnt go to church, I havent went in 2 weeks. I miss our church in Knoxville. Plain truth is, I wanted to sleep. Plain truth is, I wanted to stay home and enjoy the nice weather. So I did with the dogs. We layed in the sun. We walked. We took pictures. LBD layed on my back like a backpack. She's full of sorcery, that one. We cleaned the shower curtain. Eventually we slept like rocks. Then it was morning.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

One chick, two chick, and a fox.

alright kiddos. I think I have some things on my mind that are just blowin' my skirt up. For one, I laid in bed like a crazy zombie with a belly ache and slept in a tormented fit all night long. It was the longest night. I would fall asleep for minutes, just to wake up to stare at the clock. Champ kept his head buried in my shoulder, which wasn't an issue, but I still felt ornery. I accepted my penance at 3, and just wollered in my own depravity. It was a stinker. I suppose one of the reasons, as I stated earlier, is that I was unable to sleep like a little lamb last night could be my stomach hurt like a hurricane. I mean, it really hurt! Oh, it was awful. I did see a PERFECT owl last night, right next to my door on a electric wire. It was amazing, and rare to see. I liked Angie's way of describing this owl as her Daddy looking over me. That must have been the reason I was not terrified of all the darkness I was standing in, with only my flashlight. Switching gears here, I'm just talking this one out, I feel incomplete. I feel, lacking. I feel clues though. Where I need to go. Trying, just listening. Nothing special, but here I am feeling around on the forest floor. I had this idea. I had an idea that I'm not ready to share. I DID have this other idea, that I will share. It's more of a photography idea. Since my kindred spirit of a wonderful friend is getting back into some grooves of her own, and since she adores and is the shiza of portrait photography, I thought about contrasts. Deep pool. Deep pool. One, stripped down. One, PIMPED. Like making use of Halloween eyelashes purchased on clearance last year. I figured I would just bring it all to the table, and see if anyone had any comments to add. I found a blog that is so awesome. It's a personal adventure blog. And this person is local. Plus, this person gives details and how to's. I think it's genius, it also is making me google places I never thought of. So peekaboo. There it is. He also mentions water socks. Which makes me nanners. Anyway, the way the blog is set up, he also takes open format questions. And he answers!
(I get real random right here, so bear with me....)
Awesome! I have also been asked to take a challenge from a friend who is a Beach body coach. Which is neat. Which is also funny, since I'm in this conundrum anyway, about fitness. Basically, my fitness. I'm just trying to rearrange. Plus, there's a reason for all this beautiful weather we are having. And repeat after me, I HATE SUGAR. This, needs to be my mantra. I know, I know, one week, I'm on, the next month, I'm almost off the crap, then, like magic, I become dependant once again. I need to make up my mind. Oh, did I mention that my Daddy has almost all of the farm bush hogged? This is awesome. This also gives me prime opportunity to spend more time outside. And, to carry a knife. I always try to carry a weapon when out. Even at home. I also wear this bandanna like I'm Rambo. Alright. That's it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My 12 steps to recovery.

There's a long list in my head today, make that everyday for that matter. This lists excludes and includes a myriad of this and that. My list is maddening. My list, prepares me for the best and the worst situation, the best or the worst me moments that seem to ride piggyback more than I allow to admit. That word, recovery, is the thing I am working toward. Accepting all things that have a worthy minute to resonate in my life. Still reading Pete Wilson, Plan B, the more I feel that iceberg a movin'. Sometimes that iceberg is strangely my heart, on occasion, the iceberg is that rotten growth called forgiveness. Where am I ? Most of the time in my happy place, which is outside. I took several walks yesterday. I saw a total of 10 deer. They were all at my house, and in a time span of 7:30am to 5:00pm. It was fantastic. I sat on rocks. I let the dogs run wild. I walked, and walked, and walked. I sat nose to nose with all of the dogs, and the step brothers too. They follow you like beggars, which I didnt mind yesterday, it was the squalling and gnashing of teeth that I surely didnt appreciate. That's okay, they each slaughtered chipmunks and moles in my presence, and shortly after, they told me I could go on without them. Gosh. We sat in the grass and watched the sun. We were wild like kids bucking through the field. It was freedom. I dont know where you are, but Im in a strange place that is no longer Uz. Uz is a real place that scholars believe is what we now know as Israel. Uz is a place where there will be a place, not just from where suffering comes, but where it comes without warning and without explanation, creating confusion and despair. Just like Job. What a relief and a praise that I am not there at this point. Uz is in the rear view, and I feel like I am not the only one. You see, the time we live in, there are many people suffering. Suffering is not easy, not meant for the weak. Or so I thought. Suffering sometimes has to be necessary in order to get to the places we long to be. The sunshine. In the arms of our beloved. Uz, is a place to grow in effect. To be vital, sometimes those painful places are where we have to go, where we have to be in order to be the most effective. It doesn't mean God loves us any less, or we have done anything wrong. It just means, we have to cling to our faith, our God, who will never leave our side. Even in grief and suffering. Just because I have left Uz, doesn't mean I may not ever have to visit again. In fact, it means that the coming and going of Uz is one of the few things guaranteed. Take comfort though, lamb, doing good, thinking good, and hoping for good is great, but it does not guard against your trapdoor from coming undone. Those things listed also doesn't mean that makes you a wonderful Christian. Which is something I had heard all my life, do all these good things, and good things will come to you. I guess as I have grown, and I'm older, I can understand that fallacy now. I can understand that it's not about being good or bad, it's about being able to be that vessel for God to use you for His glory. Which is what trials, are all about. Becoming useful vessels for the Lord Jesus Christ.

Remember, I love you, and the list keeps coming, I just have to sort them out and say things like "Eureka!", and so on and so forth. Oh, and write that crap down. Definitely.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I sit in my hippie clothes.

Remember how Cat Stevens reminded us how it's a wild world? Well, more and more is he right. There is a lot on my plate right now. On my heart. On my agenda. I'm trying to work all these things out. I'm moving into a new season is the only way to explain how it all makes me feel and move. I am craving vegetables, and the more earthy they taste, the more I want of them. I want beets for goodness sake. That very statement doesn't make very much sense! Last night I went to the store to pick a rotisserie chicken I had thought about all day, I ran into a woman from my home church. She is hilarious. She is a gentle spirit. She is a woman much to look up to. And I have, and I still do. Kathy is partially deaf, and makes no bones about it. She told me last night that I am patient, and I don't ever raise my voice to her, because she reads lips. She told me that most people raise their voice, and volume isn't her issue, it's trying to read the fast moving lips! Anyhooter, I love that woman! Instead of trying to understand what to do with myself these days, I am just doing what I prompted to do. I am trying to be more obedient to God, and remembering that doing this makes life exceptionally easier. I don't have to fit into anyone else's plan, I just have to fit into God's plan for me! That leaves me off the hook. This means, the pressure isn't on myself, it doesn't fall on God either, because He is all knowing, and will guide me to the places He wants me to go. So now I'm all relieved. At least for now, until the crazy, human part of me tries to steal the reigns once again. The most comforting thing of all? Is that God is with us, no matter the circumstance. Read that part out loud. God is with us no matter the circumstance. I hope that brings you comfort, because I just want to spread it like wildfire. We just have to let The Holy Spirit in, we have to surrender our pitiful will to the God that created us. The more you let go, the better it feels. My body feels incredible. The stress is gone. I suppose that's why my body is craving food from the earth, and not anything artificial. Maybe being more in tune is helping every aspect, at least that's what I will carry with me. I hope you have a great weekend. You know me, I'm gonna be bizzy, but never to bizzy to talk if you need to....

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Jacob's Ladder

As we all know there are times in our lives where we have to drop the act and just ask ourselves; What the deuce? What the deuce is going on here? How the deuce did I get here? And the most famous, Who the deuce died and made you king of it all? Sure, there are days I am completely disoriented about real life. I Spackle it and contort it until it looks like something I can try to discuss with another human being about. At least, maybe in my mind I am a person I can be proud of. Scratch that. I'm always a person that I can be proud of, and I aint responsible for anyone else. All in all, it still doesnt stop me from saying; What the deuce about it all!

Can I mention how I am trying to cut everyone else some slack too? My dogma doesnt ride on anyone else but me, so I need to let go. Control isn't mine, it never has been, it never will be. I have an incredible feller who loves me. Even when I let it out on him. We talk. I mean, we taaaaalk. He listens even though he has every right to tune out, because believe it or not, I like to express my opinion into the ground. Or mud. And beat it to pieces. To oblivion. B likes that. He describes that part of me as 'passionate.' That's flattering! It's a fault, but he seems to like that fault! Hey, no complaints here friends.

I have a story about a raccoon. And a mole. And a Ladybird. And a Babylove and a Mr. Kitty. The latter 2 are in major trouble with not taking care of said mole. You would think Ladybird would haul off and chase said raccoon. But no. No beuno. No. LBD lets that raccoon take a bath in her water, and I think that psychopath likes the thing. Which makes NO sense. Back to not keeping score, as long as the mole, raccoon, and my children dont get into scuffles, there's not much I can do. Except set traps. And that's what Im gonna do! I just have to find some humane traps for the mole, and said raccoon, and hope the brothers don't get caught in the traps! Those 3 haven't won any awards, but I haven't either, but between the gang of us, surely we can figure it out.

With fall here, there is so much work to be done. Never count out personal grooming. As in our minds and bodies. Both are so neglected, there's no surprise to me how worn down we are. As a culture, as just people. I read our Pastor's blog this morning, he is on a trip to Costa Rica for a leadership conference. pastor Chris discussed a book he is reading, and now of course, I want to read as well. It's called The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel. It's the questions that PC was asking in the blog that has me wanting to read the book, and it also leads me back to the book I am reading now. Plan B by Pete Wilson. Anyhooter, back to PC's blog. The Holy Spirit jumped from the page as I read the following questions, and confirmed that God is here. The first question is: Where are you struggling to trust Him? That one got me right in the gut. It made me bijiggity. The next one is: What area do you need Him to move? And, the final: If you fully trusted Him with everything, what would you try that you are holding back right now? I cannot specifically answer all 3, but the first one especially laid witness to me. Back to Plan B, Pete Wilson brought up a scripture I have been sitting on for the past week. It's Matthew 6:25-27.

25 "So I tell you, don't worry (be anxious) about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes."

26 "Look at the birds in the air. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know you are worth much more than the birds."

27 "You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it."

Jesus wants us to not worry about obvious things, and this morning, I got to hear exactly what He has asked me to hear for long while. It was an "AHA!" moment for me. As for the other 2 questions, I need time to pray on those. I am trying to be honest to myself, instead of pushing it down and damaging me. I'm just me, being me.

My action plan is to try to stop comparing myself to the Jones', not berate what is or isnt happening, and just trying to enjoy this time in my life. Nothing is wrong, I have just created everything to be wrong, and Jesus doesnt want me or you to live this way. Besides, I am one of His bird's.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Mountain Kitty Arise!

I want to paint everything in my house white. Is that weird?

We saw HUGE bear prints in the woods yesterday. We saw a TON of bear scat too.

Which we turned around since the prints were FRESH.

Even small bears are huge.

Um, we even saw a paw print of a mountain kitty.

I was scared, and excited all at the same time.

It was fun!

Monday, October 4, 2010


I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard. The past few months have been hard. I have been wrestling with a girl I would like to admit I do not know. Sunday, I kinda hit a wall. I wrote a text to Sue that stated I felt like Bruce in "Dancin' in the Dark." I then heard "All Apologies" and felt even more cathartic. Rewind though. Saturday. Saturday was alright. Actually, it was more than alright. I heard a voice mail from Angie that I desperately needed to hear. I watched my 8 year old nephew play soccer. I sat out in the sun with Mama and Hay. Hay and I listened to music together with her ipod. Hay encouraged her brother during the whole game. We talked. Or we didnt. It was really nice. I felt something in me I hadnt really allowed myself to feel in a long time. I felt content. I let a lot of walls down. I allowed myself to. It was a step.

I wrote this in my journal last night. It sounds like a prayer, but it really is confession.

You know Lord, I have been confused. I need to be heard. Validated. Lately, I havent felt like much of anything. I wondered where you were. I accused you of leaving. I believed the world, rather than what you have taught me. Which has proved harder punishment. I am burdened with life alone. At 18, it was okay to be living alone. Self sufficient. At 23, I was still living alone, but had a dog. Then, at 25, I got married. Convinced I would never be alone again. Then, at 28, I was left. I was left to scream, cry, vent. I was also led back to you. I am thankful for coming back and having anew understanding about you. I heard you everywhere. I saw you everywhere.

I read something today though. It really scared me, by the way. I read that if you live on your own, youre twice as likely to have a heart attack. True, this was a study in a magazine, but it still scared me. You see, I live a pretty healthy life. I eat well, I exercise. I used to exercise daily. I had a great outlook on life. I was optimistic. Fearless. I felt great.

then the bottom dropped out.

But now I dont. I work alone, I live alone. I stopped overindulging in the internet because I see it as a thing that isnt a true need. I found some new triggers that bothered my allergies. I have learned to listen to my body. I am working on not binge eating. I have been going to see actual doctors and not relying on my own homemade remedies. I have learned to trust some of these doctors advice to certain extent.

I have watched Dr. Cathy be on the edge of death too. A person who strives to be at her personal best, no matter what. I admire her. I also see changes in her, that inspire me.

When I do feel extremely sick and done. I think of her. Or any other woman I know who just goes on for the greater good of herself. Giving up isnt an option. Neither is Hollywood cemetery.

Im getting back.

You see, Im dangerous when Im quiet. Im deadly to myself when left to my own devices.

this is my cry out.

This winter, I am embracing the cold. Im going to learn to ski this year. Tomorrow, B and I are going hiking. I want to find a good one. You see, Im a hiking fanatic. I love it. I know a lot about it. I could hike all the time if plausible. One thing I feel incredible about is the day B and I went hiking with some of his buddies. We stopped to get patches. Im not that kind of hiker. I just journal it. B laughed and said that I would have to buy the whole rack of patches sinceI had done almost all of those hikes. That, was validation. That told me that B knows I have experience, and I still dont listen to his rules. I have my own. Im ready to hike. I like the animal I am when Im out doors. I need to embrace the winter and try to get to know her, instead of giving her the cold shoulder so to speak. I love B, and he enjoys winter, so I cant be closed off from being open to any new experiences. Lord, thank you for giving me B. Continue to instill in me understanding to work with him, because you wouldnt put us together if you didnt want to bless us. Amen.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Jordan River

Still trying. Still reaching for understanding. Here I am, at the Jordan River. Along with Joshua. Why I struggle is very clear. The reason why is coming together. Sometimes we have to lose to gain. At what point can I just say, I can't lose any more? I am healthy. I am thankful. It's all this Titanic bull I can't seem to comprehend. What's the real story? Heavenly motivation has to come before earthly motivation. Did we hit the iceberg? Was it seen beforehand? Did no one care to ring the bell? All I know for sure, is I have to take some steps, but these steps are completely not my design, and as usual, not by my choice. All I need to hear, is His voice. Faith is huge. I devote my life to it. At least trying like crazy to.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Real Belief

Even though I'm still sick as a dog and, I believe you are the only one reading this, I might as well write to you. In a informal note, this is a thank you. Thank you for your unforgiving flattery, and point of view that makes me feel better than a cold cheese sandwich. Never waning and never letting me go. For believing in me even when I'm lower than a pancake covered in blueberry syrup. As hard as it is to believe we have those striking resemblances and even though our circumstances are different, we have more common ground than anyone else even pretends to share with me. So here's your shout out, lady. Go shake your bon bon!

P.S. Watch out for those see you next tuesdays!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Not just another televanelst.

There's work to be done.

There's just no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It has to begin with you. Within you. It can't be around you in order to be effective. We have to start small, or it could be another disappointment.
There's nothing wrong with small. I'm a paper ship in a stream, but there's nothing to stop me from becoming a yacht in the Pacific. Nothing. Start with 2 books. One is called Roaring Lambs by the late Robert Briner. The other is called Plan B by Pete Wilson. I would encourage any and all women to read Goodbye Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us by Beth Moore. All 3 books have more than a common thread. Freedom, and the courage to embrace it.

So go do it already!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

It puts the lotion on it's skin...

I have news for Courtney Cox. Your face doesn't look real to me anymore. I don't know if ABC has anything to do with it, but, I'm worried. It's ok gal. I'm still obsessed with Joaquin Pheonix, so you might be off the hook for now. I still adore Casey Affleck, and would suggest for you all to embrace his brother, Ben. Especially in his directorial new movie, The Town. I am Paula, and I endorse The Town. Ben, you naughty nugget. There you are with ripped abs making B all blushy and he had that worried face on. To be honest with you, just that scene of you doing chin-ups was more than enough for me. That could have been the whole thing. I would gladly pay another ten bucks to see you exercise. I would. With that, I'm going to say I thought it was fantastic. I enjoyed hearing all that Boston talk. B even had that blushy worried face when I whispered, "Me likey Boston." Inappropriate? No. No. It was more than called for. Oh, and don't get me started on those Wahlberg boys.....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

i'm not the only one...

Apparently. Because I continue to hear the same thing coming from the lips of all kinds of generations. Some call it feeling blah, some behave in a way so someone looks at them, some over exaggerate and plan to drag you down with them. Mostly, I am trying to talk about these feelings. But only to one or two people. I think I am out of love with facebook, and its about darn time. It's sickening how it has started to fray my nerves, and to demand all these mothers overcompensating for time lost, to stop entertaining themselves and take care of that sick child you feel you need to update me with. Get real. Or the never ending affair roller coaster fb covers up. Not for long, angel. Not for long. We all are trying to get the carrot in front of our noses, the thing is, the same thing does not work over and over. Ask Einstein. He has a quote about such madness/sickness. It's called insanity.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Faith and the burning bush

Yeah, I believe in miracles, in epic proportions. Yeah, I believe we become products of our own trappings. I believe that things can turn around. I also believe in time. I believe in time as an hourglass, these are the days of our lives, yes. I believe in time. I believe it heals all wounds, makes us slow down, speed up, run late. I believe it can totally stop too. I believe it takes time to repair damage. I also know time will provide me an outlet to do what I love from home. I heard it was hard to find. There's nothing or no one to save me, and I don't expect it either. I think that there's a plethora of things intertwined and full of hope to come. My arms are broken out with good intent. I couldn't imagine when she read it. I was crazy desperate for a spark, for fame. I figured out I could make no one happy but myself. So this is what I did. I did this with great abandonment and fortitude. It made the girls and boys blush and mother's kept their children in for the day. I even surprised myself. It was a great feeling to validate myself, without help. I disguised it to the point I felt embarrassed. I was all Roberta Flack on myself in private - I did feel the flush on my cheeks. Then I heard that song I sang as a girl. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.....

Grace had reconciled my heart and I heard the witness from all around me. I felt that agape love with B. I felt it at church. I have felt it from few and far between. I accept it though. I long for it and don't know a soul who doesn't.

Hey Ms. Independent! You got lost in those emeralds and rubies. The lyrics of American Pie fit in well. This proclamation hit me in the shower. I still itch and twitch. I was allergic to that dog! That one dog! That one that follows you home and you know not to pet it, or feed it, or allow it to look into your soul, but, you cant help it. A born nurturer. I scrubbed the dog. I put my hand down to relax, and his head was right there. We fit like a glove! I reasoned I couldn't afford it, too expensive, but no matter the cost, we kept it. Allergy aside, we progressed. I lingered with that dog till I could stand it. I took shots, tough shots, though worth it. I took benedryl all day, and slept cuddled against that dog I swore gave me allergies....until I stopped sneezing and became immune. He was the dog to fight for, because he extended the courtesy to fight for me.

My anomaly. I want my heart one way. Pure and agape.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

That's what I Heard!

Who deserves an expense travel account? You do!

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I think I just got my dose. My dose of being topped off. To the brim. To the hilt. However you want to make of it. I'm disenchanted with Facebook and all this sort of social-look-at-me, hedonistic, disorienting, self-deprecating, self-worshipping stuff. It's been like a new relationship. Full of ups and downs. Heartbreaks and heartaches. Websites devoted to high school behaviors.
What happened? Do we not have jobs to hold down? Children to rear? Farms to tend? What??!!
I'm beyond help with this. I miss the old days. The old days don't have to be over. We just make the choice to let them be. Face it. It's laziness. Oh, and it's unattractive. I am flesh and blood. And this flesh and blood craves real life activities. Real life people. Granted, these sites have helped me come back into contact with folks with whom I am a true friend to. IDK peeps. It's got me feeling all deranged and crap. Oh well. Moving forward.

I did find 2 butterflies this morning. They were dead. But this is their time to die. Sad, isn't it? A chilling reminder time goes on, a reminder that there's something precious somewhere just about to disappear.

If you can't tell, this post is about realizing. Realizing behaviors, realizing people change, become bored and distracted. Half the time I'm living my own fairytale and then I get kicked back into reality. Believe me, the landing is never soft.

I had this thought in my head. About living the way Christ did. He loved all people. He congregated with poor, rich, sick, healthy. I think that is a huge draw to me as an adult and my decision to be Christian. Jesus just loved. No matter what. If he could help, he helped. Even though I will never be able to have huge passion filled debates about what is true or not, or get all bent out of shape over philosophy, I want to be like Jesus. Jesus never argued. Jesus accepted people for what they were and still does today. Believer or unbeliever. How fantastic.

Not much else, but reaching out sure feels better than isolating.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Just say No.

Nancy Reagan had no idea what impact when that phrase came to life. Not just saying no to drugs, but to bad behaviors. There are some pretty awesome battles being fought in these days my friends. When I use the word "awesome" I am not giving those battles any more meat than they already consume. These battles need to go beyond Meatless Mondays. I got my cattle ranchin' pants all in a twitter because, well, I just need to say some things. For starters, I'm all a crazy about my Constitutional Rights. I find myself holding back, afraid of hurting feelings or offending people. Ya know what Cowboy? It's time to grow up. Throw that whiskey back and respect me as much as I have to respect you, without apology. My religion is important, but so is yours, another but, don't throw mine under the bus to make your point. I have rights too and they need to be protected. I can have political views. Accept them. Be done with it already. I have the right to have these views and opinions, just like you little lamb. Pull the firing squad back a little. Exercise a little growth here people! If I know anything, things change. SO let's progress together. Ugh!

If you read it on Facebook, there's no reason to tear it apart. Again, exercise control, grown-ups.

Whew! Now that I got that out of the way, let me begin with my real blog post. If I have learned anything worth telling you beloved, it's this. Life isn't perfect. We all want what we cant have, want what others have, don't want what we already have. My perspective has been all torn apart lately and I need to clarify it with me, myself, and Irene. I'm trying to leave her out of it, but she loves to be in the middle of it all. I have been reading about emotional predators. Just saying that phrase made you think of many people. Office Opal, Home bound Hannah, Driving you mad Dan, Hateful Husband Hal. The list is endless. I don't understand a soul and before you begin believing I am throwing stones, remember, I don't have poison people in my life, and neither should you. This goes on to our Facebook Peeps.

Emotional predators learn that being aggressive often gets them their way. They rely on others' anxiety as the key to getting their way.

Know this peep? On Facebook? At home? At work? Realize for one, only you can change yourself. Two, realize only you can control you. There is no way to eradicate these predators. They are just out there. You can protect yourself. You can change yourself. Just realize they have a dangerous appetite, and you do not have to feed them. Which reminds me of a conversation B and I had on Sunday. He had told me that his neighbors fed raccoons at one point and time. Not only are they vicious but they start relying on people for food. For survival. Just like those emotional predators. So don't feed the emotional predators! Just like raccoons, or deer, or any other wild animal. They are dangerous and wild. Emotional predators bring sickness and disease, and we could avoid the infection by simply not feeding them.

Off my high horse folks, gone to use Mama's loppers and not cut anything off.

Friday, August 27, 2010


In almost every area. But I still need more. My own Dad watches tv, even though he knows he upset me. Is this my life? Is it? Broke? Unsure? Alive and down and out. Im trying to be careful and do things with merit, but Im hungry. So broke I had to wait for payday. So broke, that its already gone. So broke that my own Dad acts oblivious. 40 dollars isnt much, too bad I cant tell anyone. Too bad he wont listen. I hate the tv, and most inanimate objects.

Where are you is where I am. Upset over the past few months and with my mouth wide open, I seem to miss the food dropped in my mouth. Is it the lump in my throat that hinders my feeding?

The bug bite on my ear is much more swollen. My ear is swollen. Again, my throat is swollen. Too broke to go the doctor, and too proud to go even if I were Richey Rich.

I need you. Can you hear me?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Those rascaly goals

And what they mean.....

If I hear one more word about people relieved that the weather is cooling off, I may go into hyper-x-you-out-of-my-life tangent. And, If that isnt enough to burn your moustache hairs,

I might even point my finger at you. Dont push me. I understand that I have a high tolerance for heat, I'm not much of a sweating machine, and if I do sweat, it's okay. I work through it and I also tell myself I'm burning calories. Empty headed much? no.

B and I went hiking yesterday, we saw 2 bears, 2 lady deer, 3 bucks, and 2 macaws. It was amazing, and it did make my life. The bears were about 50 yards away from us. Amazing!!!

We also saw an immpressive millipede. I love taking inventory of the critters I see when we are out. I know what your thinking, really? Macaws? But really! Macaws! One blue, one red, both magnificent. A couple were hiking with them, and when we got to the falls, they were swimming with them!!! It was spectacular. I sat close to the edge of the water and hoped not to fall in and crack my skull open. Good news, this didnt happen. It was nice. I belong outside. In the heat. In the sunshine. These are my terms, adhere or get out of here. We saw many walks of life on our hike. Seniors, young couples, families. We even saw a couple with a young girl and a tiny baby. Wild. We hiked Abrhams. which isnt super difficult, but not super easy. Remembering to pick your feet up when you walk is more difficult than you think. You have to be alert when you hike, because anything can happen. The last bit is more challenging coming back, it's uphill and rocky.

It was fun, and we saw a lot of people in flip flops. Weird. Very weird. Oh, and unsafe.

Monday, August 23, 2010


Maybe you could change your mind. It's all Erika Badu and crap. Auto-pilot. Pilot light on.

Needing that flame. Needing that flame fed. You would imagine me as a wildfire. It would

have been an unforgiving burn. I was just a girl. Looking for attention, ready to be captivating.

Is that ego? More than likely. Found time to not be available. I didn't listen to Mr. Springfield, and I should have talked more to strangers, when he told me not to. I put my ear to the wall as if you were speaking to me through a glass. I looked for ghosts. We were both covered up. I realize that. Time monopolized by other things, people, or just wasted time.

I just try to better. Better than yesterday, better than before. I cant keep giving half of myself, and the rest of me concealed. I'm immune to stopping. More than ever. I'm more in tune with holding back and holding on. I should set those things loose. I still wait. I was on the mend, just around the bend. With a picnic background.

And I felt special.

Looking for volunteers to love and love the said volunteers. Now, I may be feeling some paranoia, but I promise to keep it in check. I don't have connections, only in my mind.
So I reach out. Sometimes, the reaching out is such a leap, I run right into brick walls. Covered with kudzu. Hot and cold, wrapped up in the crow's nest. Staring toward the sea. Or mountains. Or washing machine. Whichever is closest. I wont lose myself. I wont. I wont. I cant keep promises covered in knit sweaters from those old socks I thought I loved so much. I know I don't want to be crept on. I just (fill in the blank) to be told. I (fill in the blank) to stand outside with you.

Doing things in incorrect order, on the edge of oblivion, on the tip of your tongue, on the way. My profession seems no longer important and I haven't the urge to fit in. Because I fit in right here. I fit in this little spot with sufficient water to drink and living advantageously over the competition.
I swished my wine glass and layed on the rocks. I swept the porch, mowed the grass, wowed the girls and boys, and sat with a fit. I love blindly and forget my inability to hurt. I find myself in a corner longing. I talk to the cows and fret over their discomfort.

I never say enough, and I will start to open my mouth more.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Survival of the Self-Reliant

We are a dying breed. Just like the residents of Machu Picchu. Before we all die out, let's put on our rally caps and get this thing together. I have been writing about epiphanies lately and this just seems to continue to be my occurring theme. My horoscope yesterday was uber interesting.
It stated that It may be time to give something up to get something better. I could take this a million different ways, I understand so right now I'm trying not to over think this. I'm all Alice in Wonderland. Trying to be sensible, get to the bottom of it, and have some fun in the meantime.
We all chase rabbit's with no result. So I have to just let that rabbit run....

I heard a sermon last night while bathing the boys. Dr. Charles Stanley, who I believe is a spiritual genius, spoke on how sin makes us choose, sin makes us weak, sin, is something we can decide to be in charge of. I felt convicted. I tell myself I can't do things. I remind myself how worthless I am. That doesn't glorify God and proves how see through my faith is. bear with me for a second. He also said we can cry, have stomach aches, and just plain feel misery, but this isn't a true repentant heart. When we Truly repent from sin, we don't have those old desires anymore. Remember, die from our old selves? Which enforces the name of this blog post all together. God, really does want us to be self-reliant. Which gives me insight to my horoscope. Now before you get all pitchfork waving on me, I do not worship my horoscope, or base my life choices on it, but I do have a open heart, I just don't let it rule my heart. I think the 2 are along the same lines of my life presently. Shouting almost. I just have to walk out on faith. Amazingly,
I am ready to make a running jump across that cliff of faith, and sometimes, you can't convince me to look faith's way. I believe I am about to make one of those life changing faith jumps. I don't know how prepared I am, I don't understand why I feel this way either. But, I am on alert.
Understand, my friends, hope will be restored. I am looking for this, and do not doubt it.

Today is my Sister's birthday and I am celebrating by weed eating. Congratulations! The celebration should be off the hook. So get ready Sister! Get ready!

Happy Birthday, Bean!!!!

P.S. I really miss our emails. Really.

Friday, August 20, 2010

She had it, so why can't I ?

Today has been an ultra interesting day. I woke up all full of epiphanies and showing my fanny and what not. Then I got to work and discussed the pros and cons of plastic surgery. Where did this discussion of plastic surgery come into play? Well, I was all, "Lori, I'm gonna work for a plastic surgeon and then I can get discounts!" Lori was all, " Why??" "You're a beautiful girl!"
I thanked Lori with her compliment and while she continued to tell me how painful it is, and how I wouldn't want it. Oh, but I do. I really do. Now before you get all Columbo on my ass, let me tell you why.

I am completely addicted to being the center of attention.

Kidding. Kind of.

I showed her my legs and flopped my arms at her and she wasn't impressed. We literally laughed like kids all day long and everyone gave us those "what's so funny" looks. We gave 'em the look back that says: I don't know!!!!!! It was pure genius.

That gal is the tits. She really is. A kindred spirit. My encouraging friend!

Uh, back to all epiphanies and all, my perspective has shifted a whole lot.....and this was all I could come up with..... Smooch!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This, is my flag.

Here goes nothing. And literally, it may be nothing. I'm hot, cold, and trying to get over myself.
Really. Trying to get over myself. That shouldnt be too difficult with Joaquin Pheonix and his new movie coming out. Thanks, Casey Affleck, I love you too! I hope it comes to the downtown West since you have to eagle eye the Metro Pulse for any kind of arts and crafts movie that you want to see, plus, B lives down West, and that would make it easier. Plz......

Hot and cold temperature-wise is a careful balance today. I'm froze. Then I'm hot as a fire cracker. It's mind warping. I am reading. I did stay up half the night. I did some productive thinking and actually did some productive tasks. I asked for a little more guidance, and I also asked for a match. Setting that insecurity on fire.

I said a lot over the past few days and had been told I dont open up easily. Its better for me to answer with one or two words. You see, lost in translation. Between the mind and the mouth is a loooong journey, and sometimes, just an utter is all that can be said efficiently. But, Im working on this.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Tiny deer

I am far flung. Apparently far flung from reality and being chided for not having pictures of myself holding and staring at my newborn baby. Or being reminded that I have a failed marriage and seeing others being held up as martyr's for being ultimate failures. Women pregnant by younger men who are not their husbands. Men flagrantly dragging their wives through the mud and unable to admit how weak their minds are working. My heart was broken and I was expected to mend it on my own. I did mend it on my own since I lived out in the middle of nowhere expected to survive.

I would like a small second with the apostle Paul.

I have no idea where I matter, and to reach out, the few are far between.

All of my peeps live far away. Even my own bf lives at an alarmingly lonely pace away.

Can I ask? Where are you?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's just like the cupcake biz.

Everybody thinks it's easy.

Holla! Today, I am on. On it. On top of it. In the middle of it...........
I had a pep talk with my therapist this morning. She's fantastic. She encouraged me today and also listened to me. It was freedom. Then she asked me. Well, what do you want to do with your life? This question left me flabbergasted. Then she stated I needed adventures. She's right.
I wane. Due to lack of adventures. She had no idea the kind of flame that she sparked up.

Unless she reads this.

B and I did adventure yesterday. We walked in the woods. We sat by water. I wanted to belly flop in that stream, but I did refrain. There were many trees down. We sat on logs. I ran in front of B most of the time, but then I got all flabbergasted and worried I would get separated from him. I guess that's the Little Bo Peep in me. We told secrets and I talked and talked and talked.
B listens with intent and says yes, or no, or sometimes he might talk too much. The point is, we got away from the rat race and farms and rental houses and everything that clogs our arteries.
The park is under a lot of construction. Preservation. Preparation for winter. We couldnt hold hands cause it was too hot! B had an observation about me though. He said, youre sweating!!!
You never sweat!!! We all know this is a fib, but B thought it was funny, since I love the hot weather and all. I said, that's not sweat!!! I wollered my head in the water!!! (But that was only half true, I was sweating!!!) ha. It was a great day, and I was able to spend precious time with someone who is my equal in the love of the outdoors.

Smack my hiney, the next few days are gonna be a doozy, it's okay though. I made another appointment with my therapist, we have church this weekend. We have a miracle service this weekend, and before you pull out your sage and burn it and try to cast devils out of me, I am looking forward to this time. Pastor Chris has encouraged the congregation about having more faith. B and I are investing. We are fasting. We are praying. And, we are believing.

I asked God in a prayer to help me be like the man of the possessed boy. Lord, help me believe!
Admitting that my faith is weak and needs conditioning. I am praying for opened eyes, and open heart. I have already seen the work of His hand. I am happy. I am understanding. I do have value, and even when my value is taken away with hurtful words, too much space between, or plain old stubbornness, I think I just have to remind myself. I have to shake my unbelief. I have to realize that my value is not having a marriage, because marriage for most is a big joke, or the fact that one has kids, and kidding themselves to be only that to be the bane of their existence.
I do appreciate that only I can make my household run. I appreciate that I can mow my yard. On my own. I appreciate myself, I am not replaceable, and I believe that's a good start.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Just a little wow, meow.
I am a mountain cat.
Hear me purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I've had money thrown at me, and not in a good way today. I laughed today and had someone ask me what I was laughing at. By the way, nothing funny had been said, but apparently the facade is breaking. B works tonight. B wants to go to early church tomorrow. Paula doesn't want to drive to early church tomorrow. I'm not sure how to feel. Bored? 30? Half-full? Insufficient? I tried living in a fantasy world, and that was one bad move, dude. Real life is a nerve racking adventure that makes me uncomfortable. I need a middle.

I had an epiphany last night at my parents. It's still too early to discuss this though.

I have been making to-do lists, and surprisingly, this has earned me some coping skills and also generate a little focus. Let's not get carried away here, but I feel something homemade coming on.
Have I mentioned how weird it is B works 3rd shift? It's really odd. His 4 days on are murder in a box. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. I should look forward to you, but, now I'm all knock-kneed.

Uh, did I mention how tough it is to be in an adult realationship with a boo who works 3rds and lives 40 minutes away? It's weird! I feel as if all the little compartments of my life are just shattering! At this time, the magic should be coming together. Er, not yet.

Gah. The farm work NEVER ends either. How do you explain this to cattle who need to be tended to? I will tell you. All your complaints fall on deaf ears, but, at least it gets out in the open. A cheap form of therapy? Absolutely. No judgement either. They chew their cud and look at you through the fly eye patches. I feed 'em watermelon rhines and squash.

I dug out all the old leaves by the house and my eyes are puffed out of my face. I look similar to E.T., a cute E.T., but an E.T. nonetheless. I sprayed poison and acted like a crazy jay hawk to keep Ladybird away. I'm sweating just thinking about it. I enjoy summer, bring on the heat....
Spraying the poison? Not really a big deal. Mixing the crap? Another matter. Lugging it around?

Ya know what though? It's all okay. This is my life and I have to remember baby steps.....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Cherohala Skyway - Part 1

Lost in translation? Lost in transition? This stretch of highway is one of the most amazing places, not for the car sick.... and we are going back this month! I adore the mountains, I adore being lost in the mountains, not lost lost, but forgetting about the rat race. The mountains are where I belong.

The cows WERE NOT cooperative yesterday, and instead of us scaring every one of them further into the woods and waiting out for hours on end, we just left 'em. Rental house?

Workers, not us, but workers were there yesterday so we thought we might be in the way!!!
We cut out and went to the mountains, but more of that later.

I mowed the yard and weed eated all kinds if things and managed not to get poison ivy, or get bitten by anything, or fall. These 3 things sound a little far fetched, but believe you me, this is an accomplishment. I even mowed the hilly parts. It's not for the weak, and I am always terrified I'm going to be sucked into the mower, or fall on the electric fence. AGAIN.

Champ mostly laid around in the sun, and Tiger ate pears falling off the tree. He was full, and Champ was satisfied with assisting with the mowing barking at the mower and looking at me
as if I were maiming the yard. I will have you know, the yard looks fantastic. No matter how harshly Champ grades my effort.

I am not done with mowing though, I have to get by the barn tonight. After a meeting. After the grocery store. And after starting lazy chicken. That's right fellas. I work, I meet, I wow, and I
manage to cook a meal. On the daily. Okay, okay, sometimes it's a bowl of cheerios. Ya cannibals.

B and I did manage to go to the mountains, but the place we wanted to go was closed. Claimed our TN recovery money was at work. I was miffed. It all worked out though, we ate a bad lunch but were able to make a Ranger Danger before Winter collides List of things to do between the
end of summer, and ultimate winter. Before we get into this list, I am attempting skiing this winter. I KNOW! I sound like a bobcat speaking Italian. Why not try it?

Some of the list:

Well, turns out due to legal matters, I cannot reveal any of this list at this time. : )

Monday, August 2, 2010

Heart in the right place....

I had a heart transplant, and I survived. It was a test. I needed my heart heart on my sleeve and then decided to keep in on guard. Inside my chest. Tucked far away, and not letting anyone touch it. This was a hard decision, but well worth it in the mean time.

B and I have farm work tomorrow. We have farm work in between the 2 farms. I am already taking benedryl. I am wearing knee socks and boots. Cows have to be moved. The rental house needs to be worked on. Oh, and I think we have to chase mice too. I have trash to run off, a yard that needs to be mowed, and dogs to bathe. We might have time to lay in the river, and I hope so!!!!

I have an educated step up.

Church was great yesterday. Pastor Chris pointed out that we need to be dynamically different than the world. With all the things in life that consume us, we need to be separated from things that are fleeting. I use the word "things" very loosely. There are many things that bind our hearts in order for them to perform insufficiently. What a waste. The past week I have been tortured by what the world seems to offer. Chasing blindly for a unfulfilled life that has dangerous snares. I accept all the work I do/have to do/will do, because only I can do it. Work on myself, through unforeseen circumstances or options brought on by my own choice. Paul, in the bible, called being in the dungeon a "light affliction." If Paul laying in a dungeon can see the difference in his circumstances, or desires of the heart and flesh, I think I can work on that. You would think that Pastor Chris delivering this sermon would have made me a crying mess and generally it does when I am full of conviction. It was more of a moment of clarity and feeling better. It was a lazy Sunday, and discussing what we need to do with the week. It's going to be a long one.....

Let me be for days on end, these whispers of time that multiply for months. Remind me of the great courage reaped by times of being alone, learning lessons that were only provided to me. I am brought out out of the wilderness, flattered by the confidence placed upon my heart.

Purchasing my hour of decision through refining fire and heavenly grace.

The same crows that fed Elijah are the same that come to me. I love the reverence of crows.
In the fact God opened my eyes to these precious creatures who long to guide me. Protected me as I ran through dark forests, avoiding giants, and refusing to leave me behind.

Seeing true love. And surrendering to it.

I told myself I am a valuable prize.
And, I believe it.

I also believe there are some solid-rock epiphanies coming. I believe there are super natural powers working behind the scenes.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I like to replace the second tough with my name.
When the going gets tough, the Paula gets going.

Having a lack of whatever doesn't handicap me. It actually empowers me, and helps change me.
Sometimes you lose. Sometimes, we have to start over.

I overcome these overwhelming supposed needs.

Psalm 46:5

God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at the break of day.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pocket Rocket

I'm a swimmer and a dancer.
I'm sure we didnt see that coming...

Oh, and I do these things on my own too.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

You caught me smoking....

Aw. She said it.

She said it, and I felt in complete harmony.

Even though we were miles apart, it was as if we were sitting right there together. Champ with his tongue out, sleeping like an angel. Tiger, perched on my shoulder as if I were to say; "Walk the plank!!!"

Where is this excitement? Why am I a blade of grass in the field? I need something. Boy, is that validating to say. I don't need much money. (That last statement made me laugh.) I had a pretty good thought. I don't want to be a zombie. Zombie's only eat brains. Where's the variety? Only brains? Day in, day out. How 'bout a kidney, dude? Whatever. I long for fulfillment.

I was running a good race, but I feel worn out. I suppose right now it would be a good idea to get prepared for my second wind.

The second wind has to be on it's way.

God sent me a crow today with a worm in it's mouth, just as I thought we were far away.

I also saw a hot pink gremlin, but I think that's just a common part of the game.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Never, never, never, give up.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Big, wet, doughnuts.

And other porno confessionals.

Today has been alright. I'm not writing. Ive lost all hunger to pursue the things I love. Except for taking time off. Time off is something I love and kind of covet. I realized that taking time off doesnt stop the world on it's axis. I realize that it's okay for me to be jealous. Ive realized that it's more than okay to not soak up bad mojo form other peeps. Ive also realized that I need way more camping in my life. I realize that sacrifice is worth the prize. I also found out that that not everyone is out to get me, but I still prefer to remain on guard.

I know that I am not talking to a plethora of people that I miss. Terry, Ben, Landa. The lines of communication work both ways, I know. I can't help to miss them though.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I don't wanna, so I'm not....

I'm ready for those little extra's and my belly not to hurt or feel sensitive. I would love to stop comparing oranges to tomatoes. I heard you can be reborn over and over. Spiritually, yes. You can also be reborn as a person in life. A start over. A redo. All this rain is reminding me. She said but when you get married you won't work here anymore. I guess you should have thought about that when you repeatedly hurt my feelings and never regarded my existence until you thought I made a mistake. He held me on the couch and told me to never apologize. Do everything with confidence and even when you're wrong... Make a stand. We made plans yesterday, some too high profile to tell anyone else. You see, our Bermuda Triangle is great. Our plans include not really too many other souls. If I could, I would tell you we have a private club. We ate cake and redesigned the house. I think we caught on. He doesn't compromise who I am or compromise himself in the process either. Not being perfect, not in that "I'm a vampire, and I'm vulnerable" cursed way, but in a "I'm just a dude, and I open up to you" kind of way. I'm heartsick in my thirties in a way none of you will ever know. I'm heartsick in a way that ignites passion and thunder. I'm heartsick in a way that makes me shut off other people even when they really love me. When all they try to do is reach out. I don't want to ever be depressed or discouraged because my way isn't their way. I'm just ready for the fire to start, and unfortunately, you won't be included in the kindling.

One day I was so sick. My heart hurt. My toenails felt heavy. I cried. And it sucked. One day I got all the old coke cans out of the barn. Then I shot them down one by one. I get restless and can't sleep. I make up lists of things I'm going to do tomorrow, then run out of daylight or energy again. I think about Jen's compliment: A Paula cottage!!! And that's exactly what my little home is. I kiss the doggies. Even when they haven't been bathed. I love a good story. I love pretend. I make little pillows and put them in the dog's kennels. Even for Ladybird. (She hides hers.) I make huge meals for the people I miss. I think about you. Even when I'm not supposed to. I wonder if you missed me. I draw pictures of the future. I throw fits. I get my way and then get mad about it. I pray. I watch the flood waters rise. I get a kick out of the obscene. I try. I rope cattle. I hide in the barn. I try not to get stung by bees. I lay low in the grass. I wait.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Tell me something good....

There are times when we realize things don't have to be perfect to work. I think that mainly this is how the role call really goes. Even though, I am dusting off bookshelves and knowing better, I'm getting ready. This season of my life is getting ready, and being prepared. Mostly being prepared to just accept things the way they are until they can change. Hopefully, I can manage this huge task. I just don't believe there's any other choice at hand.

Good news though. Tuesday, was terrific. I slept in. The dogs slept in. Like little troopers they slept in. I went on a picnic with B. I waded in river water. I got dirty. I wore a too tight shirt that B encouraged me to wear. ha. We drove through Cades Cove. I talked to a huge horse that I named Sampson. We saw a plethora of deer. We ate cookies. We were able to spend the whole day and evening together, and I didn't want it to end.

Today is Wednesday. I'm convinced something new is right around the bend.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Just thirsty

I picked a 12 pound cabbage and drug it to the house. I fried it in butter and added some red pepper flakes. I ate. I got so cold I thought I would freeze. I pickled the okra I grew and put them in jars. I tried to sell them to Cracker Barrel, and they thought I was out of my mind. I ate beets right out of the earth and didn't mind the dirt. The tastes are the same, so why wash the fruit? I clipped the dead heads off the geraniums and called it a day. Until the sun came up and that's when the real work had to start. With the glazed over look, I wrote over and over: People are ugly. When I remembered how the dead mouse smelled, I couldn't eat. At least not very much. Whole milk is so much sweeter than skim, and to help myself to those treats, I ended up smiling like a parrot. A parrot? How does a parrot smile? Well, if you have ever seen mine, then you would know. I threw away parts of me that were no longer me, I sang songs that had an unfamiliar tune. I gazed at the reflection and noted it wasn't mine. I saw the red fox in the woods and she told me that winter isn't far away. Prepare now. It was eerie that Ms. Fox and I have so much in common. Going ahead and preparing the best way we can for our families. In order to live through winter. I carried off all the old trash cans and made excuses for keeping them. I got fussed at for not being understood. They didn't even try to understand, and with that said, they are in the wrong. My blood all over their hands and they celebrated with drinks. It's a long day, but I know the night will be short.

Champ saw the cows running for the water trough this morning and they rampaged the trail. I was afraid that Champ would get in the way and be knocked dead. Because he ran right for them. That's the price for having a sweet deaf dog and raging cattle aching for water.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

It's really a musical.

I feel an awful lot like a character Natalie Portman would play. She's in different roles that I find completely identifiable. At least I'm not all Meredith Baxter Berney sans the Berney roles. That's a sigh of relief. I want to be anywhere but here, and I would rather just be with you. I would rather be laying on a rock somewhere and not worrying that I would be carried off. My fear is the only reason I don't hike alone. Or go to swimmin' holes by myself. Do I think that much of myself? Why sure I do. I'm Mama's little princess, Daddy's little girl. I worry that I may be one of those ladies evil people carry off into the sunset. Never to return. Then I get sick at the thought of missing children. Then, I have insomnia. Then, I get over it by "smoking" imaginary cigarettes. A never ending process, then I am treated as if my breathing doesn't matter. Then, I get pissed.

Boomerang words. An assortment of emotions and ghosts. I only slightly shake when I get overwhelmed. I wave at the girl I was a year ago. Next year, I will do the same. If I can just admit, I'm ready to get started on Life. I have had 4 different people ask me today if I ever get lonely. This is an over sensitive question anyway, so I reply with a defensive no. Although, I would rather be alone than around people feeling alone. The mere emotion of alone, and the actual act of alone, are 2 different animals. Their species are barely a glimpse of each other.

This is why I smoke the pretend cigarettes. (Never do this in public, BTW.)

I guess in order to be taken seriously, I may have to start taking myself seriously. This may be a scary venture. Why not?

Thursday, July 1, 2010


It would be safe to say that the coast is not clear. Whether Micheal Myers, or gremlins posing as inanimate objects..... or dreaming of your sister telling you that she saw a demon in your room. My reality just chases me. I have all these little plans, all laid out, ready to engage, then BAM! No beuno. I warm up more nacho cheese and do my best to deal with it. There are times when I don't agree, but remind myself to keep to myself. Opinions of mine seem fleeting, and that seems to be the best thing to do with them. I use my opinions as fuel to start up the choo choo of love. It sounds a little out there. Love? Being choo choo fuel? Oh yes, I don't believe there is any other choice. There can't be any other reason I feel this way, with my heart open to suggestion. There's also conviction. I would say, obsessive, compulsive, convicted, and loving would be some words to describe my demeanor. I still wake up through the night to pray. Pray about everything, and the rest can be added. The wait is worth it. The sunshine has helped me 100%. It's okay nothing is done. Just get started, is what it boils down to.

I did acquire a baked fried chicken recipe that I kind of figured out on my own anyway. I just need people to cook for. How irritating!!! I cook well, my own Daddy said so. I like country food and think it can be made in healthy ways, but it's good to add a little butter to everything. It's the only way my southern buds can actually taste any kind of food. I guess I could have a little ho down. If only people could show up. I sound discouraged, don't I? I suppose I am today. Not afraid, a touch anxious. And mad. Not mad, mad. But mad. I'm ready for changes that aren't necessary for me yet...... What a bummer.

With everything and nothing going on at the same time, and not to point fingers.... but gumption is something I need for my fuel tank. I haven't been on a hike in ages. B is working. I am grateful. This lamb though, spoiled by a wonderful day with B on Tuesday, really wants more of those days. It was a glimpse of how things are with B. It was comfort. Now just leave me here to dry.

I won't lie. It's a work in progress and I hope we always have a romantic, artistic eye for our realationship. I didn't mean for that to sound dirty, I just meant it in a "JFK eternal flame" type of way. Constant. It's okay of life isn't guaranteed, just as long as God directs our footpaths, and I continue to cultivate my gift of discernment.

Besides the boogey men and gremlins, it's all really the same.

And I'm pissed we can't go on the canoeing trip at the end of July.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Swimmin' hole

Hello friends.

Things have been crazy and jumbled. Busy. It's summer! I think I am one of those free spirits. Compulsive free spirits, but a free one at that. I have these raging lists in my head for the rest of the summer. Things like, having a fried chicken picnic with B. Swimming, even though I am not a great swimmer. I am, a fabulous dog paddler. I am just that fancy. I have been writing a list of places I want to go. I am saving money, but I am spending at the same time. I am switching the boys to their own baby beds. Which is tough. Those fellers are my babes. A sense of wonderful security. I am in control of my allergies. I am working on to have a handle of my emotions. Appreciating my Daddy and Mama. Missing the time I could have spent with, well, anyone. Stepping in and out of the shadows, and trying to facilitate myself into better situations. Praying for God's goodness. Understanding the lessons. Learning to play golf. AT LEAST TO CONNECT WITH THE BALL. I am cooking. A lot. And, I think I'm pretty good at at. Reading. I mean, really reading. Reading things that don't ultimately interest me. I just long for self-improvement. I have been listening to more classic rock, so there I am. Living without air conditioning in the car. Thankful it's not my home. We would just have to abandon the place, or at least leave a sign on the door: GONE FISHIN'......

B is doing his best to push me, at least this is the discussion before church yesterday. I had already been up since the crack of dawn and since church has a late service at 11:45, this is the one we sashayed into. We were all talky, excited, and silly. Then B asks me questions. Let's get this right. B doesn't just ask questions. B asks questions with such intensity because he is living to understand. It's pure genius, downright maniacal. B told me that the reason he pushed me so hard is because he knows that I have a lot in me, and would love to hear about all of it! that made me smile, and I feel loved! He wants me to get to the root of things, and really discuss things. I don't have to agree with him, which is nice. I just have to form my own opinion, and stand rooted in my belief. What a nice feature on a friend. He just wants to get it. Other than his other observation with me is that you can be close to me and be like a mushroom. Take a lot of shit and be left in the dark. This only happens because once I am done with something mentally, I have literally washed my hands of it, and put it out of my head. I try not to be too stinky on him. Ya know, wear skirts. Keep him focused. Until we are back in the closet in the bedroom together and being questioned like a silly house cat.

Back on some kind of subject. I saw this show about a lobster. Well, the show wasn't about the lobster, but I made this lobster the star of the show. And it only took 28 minutes. It was so and so's show, and she had already made her way back to California or wherever. Her buddies had stayed behind and had a drunken night in Mexico. Which is great and fine. One of the buddies steals the lobster out of the tank. Takes it to the beach. Runs with this lobster. In his hands. Running and lobster holding doesn't sound like a great comedy team. It makes me think of running with scissors, and heavy death metal. The buddy, with the lobster, ends up at the shore and is laughing like drunk buddies do, trying to set this thing free. Buddy, throws Mr. Man lobster like a rock. Buddy, satisfied with his efforts in saving the lobsters, probably killed this thing. 28 minutes to find this out. To find out this helpless lobster, that would have been more than satisfied to live his life to the fullest, providing that whole circle of life thing..... Being boiled alive and eaten. This was his God given right. Who am I to ramble on about lobsters? Really nobody, but I even screamed at the TV - TAKE THE RUBBER BANDS OFF!!! If Mr. Man Lobster did survive, do you think he had one of his buddies, to snip him free? No, because he's a sea creature, and they don't know anything but survival. If there hasn't been a lesson in all this, please don't let drunk buddies throw purpose driven lobsters back into the wild.......

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The sun is shining, so why the clouds?

Dearest, here it is. The middle of the day. Most of my house sitting/birdwatching/dog sitting/injecting cats with insulin tour of duty is almost over. I am relieved. I'm tired. I'm ready. I live in and out of hat boxes, and I have for the past 12 years. Before I had my dogs and step brothers, there I was. Like a hobo. Wanna go dance all night and sleep in the car until work begins? Sure. Listen, I wanna drink margaritas (I mean, not get drunk) and watch the sun come up, then go to work, you wanna? Oh yes. You comin' home tonight? No, I got a ghost to bust. These are real life answers in times in my life. Now, all I want to do is raise chickens and not live 40 minutes away from my boyfriend. My newest revelation is that I need 4 new pillows and a case of water to be satisfied. I am all shaky until I fulfill this want. Make that, compulsion. I have to fulfill these compulsions until I feel better. That's why it's a compulsion. Duh.

My parent's rental house was burglarized again today. This has happened twice, and no, I do not live in Compton. Not there's anything wrong with that, but my sense of security is shaky. WTF? Oh well, I sit with my revolver in my living room ready to go. Tiger wears a funny vest. Champ just lays outside in the sun. Like an albino raisin in the sun......

Gah, I miss my friends, and so ready for good things to flourish. My desert is not as vast as others right now but I'm just burned out. I feel myself putting on my socks and shoes, and right as I go to play; I gotta finish something "important."

I hope we get to talk soon. I'm still eating clean even though my body craves refined sugar like a junkie. I'm working through some things, and all I can do is keep going.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My excuse.

Maybe I'm melancholy. Maybe I miss my tan. Maybe I miss things that never were mine. I miss not being able to do this all the time. I want more geniune experiences. It's okay to let your gaurd down, just remember it's a house made of sand. I lost all of our pictures. You barely have a few. We never got off our rears and had them printed out. How will everyone know our life is going so well? The pictures tell a lot of the story. Since I seem to be at a loss for words. I miss you. Broken chains, broken glass. It's all the same. New beginnings are just around the corner and just as I have a fresh cup of coffee, a new person to this world is opening her eyes. My muscles do ache and since we cant go exercise, it's hard to not to feel lazy. I know it cant ever be the same, so I hope for more. I hope for something better. I long for something better. I heard that we couldn't be equals because we were not similar. The good news is though, B and I can possibly build our house within 10 years. I think when we move it will be a confusing time. It's important to have the right sea legs for this. So far, I find us in a planning period.

Does this mean I am packing a cooler full of ice and strapping Champ into his car seat so we can track down those little albino squirrels living in Illinois? Maybe soon, but not today. I am dealing with massive confusion, questioning if I really am seeing gremlins in place of inanimate objects, and not feeding the oscillating fan after midnight. Just trying here, cause that's all I can really do. I decided early today that I would not be picking myself apart of becoming this scared little pigeon waiting in the wings. I need to pick up Daddy's father's day present. Gas up someone's renegade lawn mower. Attempt to put sentences together, and try not to flip out in the process. Really. This is where I am.

Secretly hoping my self tanner kicks in sooner rather than later, the smell is the stumbling block. I got rid of those clothes with all the holes in them. So what now? Fashion and I don't really mix, and lately I have been thinking that a towel would be an acceptable form of dress. It is summer after all, and I encourage us to soak up some sun.

B will be off next Tuesday with me, and I think I'm going to make fried chicken and have him drive us to a swimmin' hole. I just want to lay on a blanket all day. With him. Or you, if you can make it. Don't worry though, I will take my medicine to guard against Rockin' pneumonia and the boogey woogey blues.......

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Live and let live!

Or, live and let die, move over Paul McCartney. Er, Axl Rose. Dang good James Bond movie....

Whatever your means of personal expression. Move over rover, we have become undefined. Some enjoy the absolute freedom of being undefined. Whether in your own person, realationship, hobby, whatever. If undefined is okay and not hurtful to others, then that's cool. Except the part of being undefined also brings responsibility and waves of hurt. Always. 2 people can have an undisclosed agreement between each other and because of our human natures, human feelings, and all that wonderful mess we always get hurt. So be careful in those uncharted waters! I realize we wake to each day not knowing if life is going to pull down our underpants in the middle of lunch in front of everybody.... Leaving us ashamed, hurt, and never wanting to wake again. This is not inspirational here, just talking things out. I wont say life wont ever hurt you, because it does. And like a good friend told me this week: WHY WONT ANYONE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT THEY DO???!!!!???

This is an excellent question. No one ever believes they have done wrong. Or they don't want to know/believe they have done wrong. Maybe oblivion has great weather and it may be a more safe atmosphere...... Who knows?

Do you want to do acrobatics? All I know is to focus on what you can change, even the alcoholics know that one...... I am sunburned. Terribly. In all the wake of this, this, discussion. I sit here with a burning chest.

If we keep wearing red and the bull constantly chases us, who is in the wrong?

Never accept bad behavior and never facilitate bad behavior. It saves a lot of time and energy. It's also freedom.......

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Such a big word meaning love. I knew a beutiful girl who described herself as such. I thought about her today as I ate a snickers bar and trying to convince myself I had made a good choice when it comes to my eating habits. As usual, I'm slacking. While counting my ridiculous calorie intake I thought, Whatever happened to that girl? As with all sterotypes, I thought; why would anyone sterotype HER? I also had a blazingly bright friendship with this girl and thought no differently about her. She came from a nice family. No abuse. Nothing had traumatized her into thinking she was something she wasnt. This is just as she was. Now many people didnt like her because of her lifestyle choice. I always told her that she had to make healthy choices for herself. Case closed. My point? Just because she was living in a different lifestyle, this didnt mean I didnt respect her any less. This might sound bland, but this post has been cathartic to me.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Is honesty the best policy?

I'll be honest and to the point, without apology and without finger pointing. Tonight I am at my future home. Looking into the future is downright scary, since I don't have my dogs here. Yet. The motley crew I call my beloved dogs, are giving me goober faces, middle fingers, and huge doe eyed looks. Honestly. I have learned many reflections of the truth, dressed up pigs who looked like the truth, and of course, out and out abandonment innocently described as "Brutal Truth." Brutal truth is the thing we all pretend we want to hear. When all in all, it hurts us to the core and then we mind bend it to make us feel remotely sane. Excuse me, but can I completely unearth everything that really might hurt you, and in the end is going to make me think differently about you? In that case, forget it. Brutal honesty is one of those things I think I can live without. I received a letter to my ex-husband, and with all my honesty showing.... I wanted to rip the envelope open and read it. It was from the state, so I assumed it regarded a ticket or something of that nature. This specific letter, being none of my business, I kept in my car. Overnight. Today, I thought about what to do with the letter. Read it? Trash it? Send it back?
Be mad about it for no reason? I don't know. I do know, that it sent a flood of information in my head. This morning, I sent the letter back. Unopened. And with a clear conscience. Almost relieved. Do I believe sharp shooters are hanging out in the cherry trees by the driveway? You better believe I do..... and I also danced with my mailman 2 weeks ago at Brandon's wedding, seeing that my mailman, Chuck, is Brandon's step dad. Oh, and I'm sure he knows unlimited things about me, all due to the honesty of my mailbox. Chuck, being here nor there, may have bumped his head. You see, why did he leave that letter since he knows all kinds of sensitive information about me? There may have been a replacement mailman that day disguised as Chuck, and this person had no idea they were delivering a little piece of Jiminy Cricket right into my hot pink mailbox. (AND THAT SOUNDED FILTHY.) I can't fault that person pretending to be Chuck just for being honest, and doing their job. I just can't. Back to Eagle Eye in the trees, I continue with caution, that there were Crows about. Which sealed the deal with my conscience and my judgement, so carefully this morning I scribbled: RETURN TO SENDER

I kept my honesty intact. A small thing, and then I let the cat out of the bag to you. Telling on myself to satisfy that I had done the right thing? Maybe. More of, it's what I was going to do anyway....... then I listened to a ton of David Bowie.