Monday, October 4, 2010


I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard. The past few months have been hard. I have been wrestling with a girl I would like to admit I do not know. Sunday, I kinda hit a wall. I wrote a text to Sue that stated I felt like Bruce in "Dancin' in the Dark." I then heard "All Apologies" and felt even more cathartic. Rewind though. Saturday. Saturday was alright. Actually, it was more than alright. I heard a voice mail from Angie that I desperately needed to hear. I watched my 8 year old nephew play soccer. I sat out in the sun with Mama and Hay. Hay and I listened to music together with her ipod. Hay encouraged her brother during the whole game. We talked. Or we didnt. It was really nice. I felt something in me I hadnt really allowed myself to feel in a long time. I felt content. I let a lot of walls down. I allowed myself to. It was a step.

I wrote this in my journal last night. It sounds like a prayer, but it really is confession.

You know Lord, I have been confused. I need to be heard. Validated. Lately, I havent felt like much of anything. I wondered where you were. I accused you of leaving. I believed the world, rather than what you have taught me. Which has proved harder punishment. I am burdened with life alone. At 18, it was okay to be living alone. Self sufficient. At 23, I was still living alone, but had a dog. Then, at 25, I got married. Convinced I would never be alone again. Then, at 28, I was left. I was left to scream, cry, vent. I was also led back to you. I am thankful for coming back and having anew understanding about you. I heard you everywhere. I saw you everywhere.

I read something today though. It really scared me, by the way. I read that if you live on your own, youre twice as likely to have a heart attack. True, this was a study in a magazine, but it still scared me. You see, I live a pretty healthy life. I eat well, I exercise. I used to exercise daily. I had a great outlook on life. I was optimistic. Fearless. I felt great.

then the bottom dropped out.

But now I dont. I work alone, I live alone. I stopped overindulging in the internet because I see it as a thing that isnt a true need. I found some new triggers that bothered my allergies. I have learned to listen to my body. I am working on not binge eating. I have been going to see actual doctors and not relying on my own homemade remedies. I have learned to trust some of these doctors advice to certain extent.

I have watched Dr. Cathy be on the edge of death too. A person who strives to be at her personal best, no matter what. I admire her. I also see changes in her, that inspire me.

When I do feel extremely sick and done. I think of her. Or any other woman I know who just goes on for the greater good of herself. Giving up isnt an option. Neither is Hollywood cemetery.

Im getting back.

You see, Im dangerous when Im quiet. Im deadly to myself when left to my own devices.

this is my cry out.

This winter, I am embracing the cold. Im going to learn to ski this year. Tomorrow, B and I are going hiking. I want to find a good one. You see, Im a hiking fanatic. I love it. I know a lot about it. I could hike all the time if plausible. One thing I feel incredible about is the day B and I went hiking with some of his buddies. We stopped to get patches. Im not that kind of hiker. I just journal it. B laughed and said that I would have to buy the whole rack of patches sinceI had done almost all of those hikes. That, was validation. That told me that B knows I have experience, and I still dont listen to his rules. I have my own. Im ready to hike. I like the animal I am when Im out doors. I need to embrace the winter and try to get to know her, instead of giving her the cold shoulder so to speak. I love B, and he enjoys winter, so I cant be closed off from being open to any new experiences. Lord, thank you for giving me B. Continue to instill in me understanding to work with him, because you wouldnt put us together if you didnt want to bless us. Amen.

1 comment:

  1. So many points in this make me happy...

    But I'm left w/ this envy of people who get to hang out within two feet of you.