Friday, August 27, 2010


In almost every area. But I still need more. My own Dad watches tv, even though he knows he upset me. Is this my life? Is it? Broke? Unsure? Alive and down and out. Im trying to be careful and do things with merit, but Im hungry. So broke I had to wait for payday. So broke, that its already gone. So broke that my own Dad acts oblivious. 40 dollars isnt much, too bad I cant tell anyone. Too bad he wont listen. I hate the tv, and most inanimate objects.

Where are you is where I am. Upset over the past few months and with my mouth wide open, I seem to miss the food dropped in my mouth. Is it the lump in my throat that hinders my feeding?

The bug bite on my ear is much more swollen. My ear is swollen. Again, my throat is swollen. Too broke to go the doctor, and too proud to go even if I were Richey Rich.

I need you. Can you hear me?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Those rascaly goals

And what they mean.....

If I hear one more word about people relieved that the weather is cooling off, I may go into hyper-x-you-out-of-my-life tangent. And, If that isnt enough to burn your moustache hairs,

I might even point my finger at you. Dont push me. I understand that I have a high tolerance for heat, I'm not much of a sweating machine, and if I do sweat, it's okay. I work through it and I also tell myself I'm burning calories. Empty headed much? no.

B and I went hiking yesterday, we saw 2 bears, 2 lady deer, 3 bucks, and 2 macaws. It was amazing, and it did make my life. The bears were about 50 yards away from us. Amazing!!!

We also saw an immpressive millipede. I love taking inventory of the critters I see when we are out. I know what your thinking, really? Macaws? But really! Macaws! One blue, one red, both magnificent. A couple were hiking with them, and when we got to the falls, they were swimming with them!!! It was spectacular. I sat close to the edge of the water and hoped not to fall in and crack my skull open. Good news, this didnt happen. It was nice. I belong outside. In the heat. In the sunshine. These are my terms, adhere or get out of here. We saw many walks of life on our hike. Seniors, young couples, families. We even saw a couple with a young girl and a tiny baby. Wild. We hiked Abrhams. which isnt super difficult, but not super easy. Remembering to pick your feet up when you walk is more difficult than you think. You have to be alert when you hike, because anything can happen. The last bit is more challenging coming back, it's uphill and rocky.

It was fun, and we saw a lot of people in flip flops. Weird. Very weird. Oh, and unsafe.

Monday, August 23, 2010


Maybe you could change your mind. It's all Erika Badu and crap. Auto-pilot. Pilot light on.

Needing that flame. Needing that flame fed. You would imagine me as a wildfire. It would

have been an unforgiving burn. I was just a girl. Looking for attention, ready to be captivating.

Is that ego? More than likely. Found time to not be available. I didn't listen to Mr. Springfield, and I should have talked more to strangers, when he told me not to. I put my ear to the wall as if you were speaking to me through a glass. I looked for ghosts. We were both covered up. I realize that. Time monopolized by other things, people, or just wasted time.

I just try to better. Better than yesterday, better than before. I cant keep giving half of myself, and the rest of me concealed. I'm immune to stopping. More than ever. I'm more in tune with holding back and holding on. I should set those things loose. I still wait. I was on the mend, just around the bend. With a picnic background.

And I felt special.

Looking for volunteers to love and love the said volunteers. Now, I may be feeling some paranoia, but I promise to keep it in check. I don't have connections, only in my mind.
So I reach out. Sometimes, the reaching out is such a leap, I run right into brick walls. Covered with kudzu. Hot and cold, wrapped up in the crow's nest. Staring toward the sea. Or mountains. Or washing machine. Whichever is closest. I wont lose myself. I wont. I wont. I cant keep promises covered in knit sweaters from those old socks I thought I loved so much. I know I don't want to be crept on. I just (fill in the blank) to be told. I (fill in the blank) to stand outside with you.

Doing things in incorrect order, on the edge of oblivion, on the tip of your tongue, on the way. My profession seems no longer important and I haven't the urge to fit in. Because I fit in right here. I fit in this little spot with sufficient water to drink and living advantageously over the competition.
I swished my wine glass and layed on the rocks. I swept the porch, mowed the grass, wowed the girls and boys, and sat with a fit. I love blindly and forget my inability to hurt. I find myself in a corner longing. I talk to the cows and fret over their discomfort.

I never say enough, and I will start to open my mouth more.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Survival of the Self-Reliant

We are a dying breed. Just like the residents of Machu Picchu. Before we all die out, let's put on our rally caps and get this thing together. I have been writing about epiphanies lately and this just seems to continue to be my occurring theme. My horoscope yesterday was uber interesting.
It stated that It may be time to give something up to get something better. I could take this a million different ways, I understand so right now I'm trying not to over think this. I'm all Alice in Wonderland. Trying to be sensible, get to the bottom of it, and have some fun in the meantime.
We all chase rabbit's with no result. So I have to just let that rabbit run....

I heard a sermon last night while bathing the boys. Dr. Charles Stanley, who I believe is a spiritual genius, spoke on how sin makes us choose, sin makes us weak, sin, is something we can decide to be in charge of. I felt convicted. I tell myself I can't do things. I remind myself how worthless I am. That doesn't glorify God and proves how see through my faith is. bear with me for a second. He also said we can cry, have stomach aches, and just plain feel misery, but this isn't a true repentant heart. When we Truly repent from sin, we don't have those old desires anymore. Remember, die from our old selves? Which enforces the name of this blog post all together. God, really does want us to be self-reliant. Which gives me insight to my horoscope. Now before you get all pitchfork waving on me, I do not worship my horoscope, or base my life choices on it, but I do have a open heart, I just don't let it rule my heart. I think the 2 are along the same lines of my life presently. Shouting almost. I just have to walk out on faith. Amazingly,
I am ready to make a running jump across that cliff of faith, and sometimes, you can't convince me to look faith's way. I believe I am about to make one of those life changing faith jumps. I don't know how prepared I am, I don't understand why I feel this way either. But, I am on alert.
Understand, my friends, hope will be restored. I am looking for this, and do not doubt it.

Today is my Sister's birthday and I am celebrating by weed eating. Congratulations! The celebration should be off the hook. So get ready Sister! Get ready!

Happy Birthday, Bean!!!!

P.S. I really miss our emails. Really.

Friday, August 20, 2010

She had it, so why can't I ?

Today has been an ultra interesting day. I woke up all full of epiphanies and showing my fanny and what not. Then I got to work and discussed the pros and cons of plastic surgery. Where did this discussion of plastic surgery come into play? Well, I was all, "Lori, I'm gonna work for a plastic surgeon and then I can get discounts!" Lori was all, " Why??" "You're a beautiful girl!"
I thanked Lori with her compliment and while she continued to tell me how painful it is, and how I wouldn't want it. Oh, but I do. I really do. Now before you get all Columbo on my ass, let me tell you why.

I am completely addicted to being the center of attention.

Kidding. Kind of.

I showed her my legs and flopped my arms at her and she wasn't impressed. We literally laughed like kids all day long and everyone gave us those "what's so funny" looks. We gave 'em the look back that says: I don't know!!!!!! It was pure genius.

That gal is the tits. She really is. A kindred spirit. My encouraging friend!

Uh, back to all epiphanies and all, my perspective has shifted a whole lot.....and this was all I could come up with..... Smooch!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This, is my flag.

Here goes nothing. And literally, it may be nothing. I'm hot, cold, and trying to get over myself.
Really. Trying to get over myself. That shouldnt be too difficult with Joaquin Pheonix and his new movie coming out. Thanks, Casey Affleck, I love you too! I hope it comes to the downtown West since you have to eagle eye the Metro Pulse for any kind of arts and crafts movie that you want to see, plus, B lives down West, and that would make it easier. Plz......

Hot and cold temperature-wise is a careful balance today. I'm froze. Then I'm hot as a fire cracker. It's mind warping. I am reading. I did stay up half the night. I did some productive thinking and actually did some productive tasks. I asked for a little more guidance, and I also asked for a match. Setting that insecurity on fire.

I said a lot over the past few days and had been told I dont open up easily. Its better for me to answer with one or two words. You see, lost in translation. Between the mind and the mouth is a loooong journey, and sometimes, just an utter is all that can be said efficiently. But, Im working on this.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Tiny deer

I am far flung. Apparently far flung from reality and being chided for not having pictures of myself holding and staring at my newborn baby. Or being reminded that I have a failed marriage and seeing others being held up as martyr's for being ultimate failures. Women pregnant by younger men who are not their husbands. Men flagrantly dragging their wives through the mud and unable to admit how weak their minds are working. My heart was broken and I was expected to mend it on my own. I did mend it on my own since I lived out in the middle of nowhere expected to survive.

I would like a small second with the apostle Paul.

I have no idea where I matter, and to reach out, the few are far between.

All of my peeps live far away. Even my own bf lives at an alarmingly lonely pace away.

Can I ask? Where are you?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's just like the cupcake biz.

Everybody thinks it's easy.

Holla! Today, I am on. On it. On top of it. In the middle of it...........
I had a pep talk with my therapist this morning. She's fantastic. She encouraged me today and also listened to me. It was freedom. Then she asked me. Well, what do you want to do with your life? This question left me flabbergasted. Then she stated I needed adventures. She's right.
I wane. Due to lack of adventures. She had no idea the kind of flame that she sparked up.

Unless she reads this.

B and I did adventure yesterday. We walked in the woods. We sat by water. I wanted to belly flop in that stream, but I did refrain. There were many trees down. We sat on logs. I ran in front of B most of the time, but then I got all flabbergasted and worried I would get separated from him. I guess that's the Little Bo Peep in me. We told secrets and I talked and talked and talked.
B listens with intent and says yes, or no, or sometimes he might talk too much. The point is, we got away from the rat race and farms and rental houses and everything that clogs our arteries.
The park is under a lot of construction. Preservation. Preparation for winter. We couldnt hold hands cause it was too hot! B had an observation about me though. He said, youre sweating!!!
You never sweat!!! We all know this is a fib, but B thought it was funny, since I love the hot weather and all. I said, that's not sweat!!! I wollered my head in the water!!! (But that was only half true, I was sweating!!!) ha. It was a great day, and I was able to spend precious time with someone who is my equal in the love of the outdoors.

Smack my hiney, the next few days are gonna be a doozy, it's okay though. I made another appointment with my therapist, we have church this weekend. We have a miracle service this weekend, and before you pull out your sage and burn it and try to cast devils out of me, I am looking forward to this time. Pastor Chris has encouraged the congregation about having more faith. B and I are investing. We are fasting. We are praying. And, we are believing.

I asked God in a prayer to help me be like the man of the possessed boy. Lord, help me believe!
Admitting that my faith is weak and needs conditioning. I am praying for opened eyes, and open heart. I have already seen the work of His hand. I am happy. I am understanding. I do have value, and even when my value is taken away with hurtful words, too much space between, or plain old stubbornness, I think I just have to remind myself. I have to shake my unbelief. I have to realize that my value is not having a marriage, because marriage for most is a big joke, or the fact that one has kids, and kidding themselves to be only that to be the bane of their existence.
I do appreciate that only I can make my household run. I appreciate that I can mow my yard. On my own. I appreciate myself, I am not replaceable, and I believe that's a good start.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Just a little wow, meow.
I am a mountain cat.
Hear me purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I've had money thrown at me, and not in a good way today. I laughed today and had someone ask me what I was laughing at. By the way, nothing funny had been said, but apparently the facade is breaking. B works tonight. B wants to go to early church tomorrow. Paula doesn't want to drive to early church tomorrow. I'm not sure how to feel. Bored? 30? Half-full? Insufficient? I tried living in a fantasy world, and that was one bad move, dude. Real life is a nerve racking adventure that makes me uncomfortable. I need a middle.

I had an epiphany last night at my parents. It's still too early to discuss this though.

I have been making to-do lists, and surprisingly, this has earned me some coping skills and also generate a little focus. Let's not get carried away here, but I feel something homemade coming on.
Have I mentioned how weird it is B works 3rd shift? It's really odd. His 4 days on are murder in a box. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. I should look forward to you, but, now I'm all knock-kneed.

Uh, did I mention how tough it is to be in an adult realationship with a boo who works 3rds and lives 40 minutes away? It's weird! I feel as if all the little compartments of my life are just shattering! At this time, the magic should be coming together. Er, not yet.

Gah. The farm work NEVER ends either. How do you explain this to cattle who need to be tended to? I will tell you. All your complaints fall on deaf ears, but, at least it gets out in the open. A cheap form of therapy? Absolutely. No judgement either. They chew their cud and look at you through the fly eye patches. I feed 'em watermelon rhines and squash.

I dug out all the old leaves by the house and my eyes are puffed out of my face. I look similar to E.T., a cute E.T., but an E.T. nonetheless. I sprayed poison and acted like a crazy jay hawk to keep Ladybird away. I'm sweating just thinking about it. I enjoy summer, bring on the heat....
Spraying the poison? Not really a big deal. Mixing the crap? Another matter. Lugging it around?

Ya know what though? It's all okay. This is my life and I have to remember baby steps.....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Cherohala Skyway - Part 1

Lost in translation? Lost in transition? This stretch of highway is one of the most amazing places, not for the car sick.... and we are going back this month! I adore the mountains, I adore being lost in the mountains, not lost lost, but forgetting about the rat race. The mountains are where I belong.

The cows WERE NOT cooperative yesterday, and instead of us scaring every one of them further into the woods and waiting out for hours on end, we just left 'em. Rental house?

Workers, not us, but workers were there yesterday so we thought we might be in the way!!!
We cut out and went to the mountains, but more of that later.

I mowed the yard and weed eated all kinds if things and managed not to get poison ivy, or get bitten by anything, or fall. These 3 things sound a little far fetched, but believe you me, this is an accomplishment. I even mowed the hilly parts. It's not for the weak, and I am always terrified I'm going to be sucked into the mower, or fall on the electric fence. AGAIN.

Champ mostly laid around in the sun, and Tiger ate pears falling off the tree. He was full, and Champ was satisfied with assisting with the mowing barking at the mower and looking at me
as if I were maiming the yard. I will have you know, the yard looks fantastic. No matter how harshly Champ grades my effort.

I am not done with mowing though, I have to get by the barn tonight. After a meeting. After the grocery store. And after starting lazy chicken. That's right fellas. I work, I meet, I wow, and I
manage to cook a meal. On the daily. Okay, okay, sometimes it's a bowl of cheerios. Ya cannibals.

B and I did manage to go to the mountains, but the place we wanted to go was closed. Claimed our TN recovery money was at work. I was miffed. It all worked out though, we ate a bad lunch but were able to make a Ranger Danger before Winter collides List of things to do between the
end of summer, and ultimate winter. Before we get into this list, I am attempting skiing this winter. I KNOW! I sound like a bobcat speaking Italian. Why not try it?

Some of the list:

Well, turns out due to legal matters, I cannot reveal any of this list at this time. : )

Monday, August 2, 2010

Heart in the right place....

I had a heart transplant, and I survived. It was a test. I needed my heart heart on my sleeve and then decided to keep in on guard. Inside my chest. Tucked far away, and not letting anyone touch it. This was a hard decision, but well worth it in the mean time.

B and I have farm work tomorrow. We have farm work in between the 2 farms. I am already taking benedryl. I am wearing knee socks and boots. Cows have to be moved. The rental house needs to be worked on. Oh, and I think we have to chase mice too. I have trash to run off, a yard that needs to be mowed, and dogs to bathe. We might have time to lay in the river, and I hope so!!!!

I have an educated step up.

Church was great yesterday. Pastor Chris pointed out that we need to be dynamically different than the world. With all the things in life that consume us, we need to be separated from things that are fleeting. I use the word "things" very loosely. There are many things that bind our hearts in order for them to perform insufficiently. What a waste. The past week I have been tortured by what the world seems to offer. Chasing blindly for a unfulfilled life that has dangerous snares. I accept all the work I do/have to do/will do, because only I can do it. Work on myself, through unforeseen circumstances or options brought on by my own choice. Paul, in the bible, called being in the dungeon a "light affliction." If Paul laying in a dungeon can see the difference in his circumstances, or desires of the heart and flesh, I think I can work on that. You would think that Pastor Chris delivering this sermon would have made me a crying mess and generally it does when I am full of conviction. It was more of a moment of clarity and feeling better. It was a lazy Sunday, and discussing what we need to do with the week. It's going to be a long one.....

Let me be for days on end, these whispers of time that multiply for months. Remind me of the great courage reaped by times of being alone, learning lessons that were only provided to me. I am brought out out of the wilderness, flattered by the confidence placed upon my heart.

Purchasing my hour of decision through refining fire and heavenly grace.

The same crows that fed Elijah are the same that come to me. I love the reverence of crows.
In the fact God opened my eyes to these precious creatures who long to guide me. Protected me as I ran through dark forests, avoiding giants, and refusing to leave me behind.

Seeing true love. And surrendering to it.

I told myself I am a valuable prize.
And, I believe it.

I also believe there are some solid-rock epiphanies coming. I believe there are super natural powers working behind the scenes.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I like to replace the second tough with my name.
When the going gets tough, the Paula gets going.

Having a lack of whatever doesn't handicap me. It actually empowers me, and helps change me.
Sometimes you lose. Sometimes, we have to start over.

I overcome these overwhelming supposed needs.

Psalm 46:5

God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at the break of day.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pocket Rocket

I'm a swimmer and a dancer.
I'm sure we didnt see that coming...

Oh, and I do these things on my own too.