Saturday, February 28, 2009

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Would it help to hold me under water?

No, Im sure I could still breathe, its the whole water rushing into my lungs that I couldnt handle.

I am in shock. Pure shock.

Wait a minute, I have to say something about that word before I hop back on the trail. Everytime I see the word or say shock, I feel this little jolt that hammers through my teeth.

Wanna know why? 2 words. My sister.

Ya wanna see how to check if the electric fence is on?

Sure. ( dummy )

She held her blade of grass, and she was the picture of farm gal grace.... no biggie.

It was my turn next, I was scared!!!

So I held the blade of grass and it got me! I mean, really got me!!

This was a time when my daddy had gotten some new cattle, and had turned the fence up some, and that crazy person of a sister of mine knew it.

It was her way of teaching me a lesson. One of many.

Ok, I lied, I am not getting back on the trail, I am cutting a new trail, and you will stare at the back of my heels, choking back the tears of anger.

Try to follow.

We all know Eve right? Crazy Eve. God said, please live in this beautiful paradise and live in my presence. BUT. You cant eat from this tree. You can eat anything else you see, but DONT eat from this one tree. She even had an amazing partner to be with day in and day out. She was even made from his rib. CRAZY!!!

They were equally yoked. ( dont get me started on the whole yoke thing. )

But Eve, being curious, ( which is an emotion God formed in us to help satisfy our human hearts)naturally, wanted this fruit. She even told Adam about it.

Crap! The serpent. Which I love, that the bible uses this critter to demonstrate more temptation into something that most humans wouldnt go near. Eve is drawn to this serpent. She desires to listen to every word from this strangely beautiful, evil, thing.

That serpent told Eve all kinds of lies, and she believed. She knew better. She also knew God was watching her. She knew Adam would just be flabbergasted.

And as a rule, snakes and stuff like that, the critters most deem to be "ugly".... are fearful creatures, and really just want to exist.

I cant even follow where I am going with this, but its ok.

Can you imagine the emotions this pair encountered? When they discovered they were naked, they were ashamed, but they were hangin' out like that the whole time!!!

I suppose when we stumble on new emotions, or, forgotten emotions, it brings me to The Garden of Eden.

Side by side, with Adam and Eve.

When we remember how awesome it is to be happy.

To not reach back, but to look ahead.

There was life, after the Garden, which turned all of mankind accountable forever.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Leaps and Bounds

That is the theme for the day.

Lent is here. Yay!
I am looking it in the eye, taking its shoes off, and asking it to penetrate me for 46 days.
Rock and Roll Cowboy.

I am really excited. I cant explain it. Dont ask. I cant put it into words.
BC I would,
if I could,
but I cant.

I would draw you a sweet picture to show off to your friends. You could be intrigued by all of its madness. I think maybe Im the one intrigued.

Actually, I am deeply enamored by the thought of how glorious my life feels.
I have always been shy. ( can it, once again, APW )
Shy to the point of such fear that I have been unable to face real things happening.
To me!!!!
Maybe shy isnt the appropriate word.
Repressed? No, I mean, yeah, scared???

Pushin' em down, sweepin' em under the carpet, squeezed between Oprah and her white elephant.

Somehow theres hope in everything.
Somehow, I have been given the vision to see past the junk and focus on the amazing!!!

More than positive it has to do with my prayer life. God always seems to shed light on what I need to pray for.
And, I ask.
Always pray for yourself. God loves that part of you.
The humble.
The scared.
The willing.

Of course, pray for others, but thats the point of having a personal relationship with Christ.
Its personal.
Its face to face. And He gets me.
Every nook and cranny. Always encouraging me to push harder.

Heres a gem.
This past Christmas, I was a nervous, anxious, angry, contentious, mess.
I despised the thought of decorations, presents, family time. It made me cry furiously when I was so jealous of my beautiful friends and their sweet families.
It wasnt hidden.
Everyone knew.
Walking on eggshells around me.
Like a ticking little time bomb.

Hateful. Pissed. So very sad.

Landa had asked me to go Christmas decoration shopping with her for her church.
She knew it was the last thing I could endure.
A wonderful church friend of hers, Allyson, was coming along also.
Who is one of the most incredible women I have ever met.
We went.
I pouted.
I even cried a little.

We HAD to stop for ice cream, and I HAD to have coffee, but in the middle of all my self pity, Allyson told me a story.

She told me about a gentleman in her Sunday School class. Allyson told me that they had a lesson on being a servant of God.
A willing servant.
This fella had stated, he wanted to do Gods will in his life, but was afraid to ask what it is.
He said, what if God calls me to be a missionary in Africa?
( my first thought was, that would be incredible.)
Allyson was so disappointed.
I can see that Mr. Fella does not have his whole faith in Christ.
(partially invested)
Allyson made it so clear.
She stated that God will prepare your heart to do His will.
I love that.
I love that God has been preparing me, is preparing me, for whatever may happen.
If God did call me to do something of that magnitude, He would not put it in my heart to start with.
I will serve God with a pure heart.

It turns out, this past Christmas was wonderful. God granted me peace, even when I was stubborn, little donkey.

I have to point something out. I am stupid when it comes to typing. Its really a modern miracle that I type as much as I do.

I ALWAYS misspell relationship.

Every time.

I seem to spell it REALATIONSHIP.

Somehow, I think thats a little more fitting.
Maybe from now on, I wont correct it. Leave it how it is.

That makes my little heart beat fast. In a happy way.

Long story short, trust in God. Love everyone.
Even the stinkers that try to fool with your path.

That, brothers and sisters, makes you exceptional.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Bigger is Better

When it comes to scorpions.
Did you know that?
Its the little bastards you have to watch out for.
The bigger scorpions don't have as much poison.

I was going through my purse the other day, and I am always entertained by what I find! I found where I had written about how Dave Ramsey is a pimp. Oh, he is. Darn tootin' he is. A dirty little dog of a financial whiz. Could listen to him talk for hours.

I believe you should live close by and visit often. (written on a gum wrapper)

Apparently, one day I was devastated over losing perspective.

C.S. Lewis also haunts my bag with a certain quote,
" The only place free from the dangers of love is hell itself. "

God is always working whether we acknowledge it or not. That's from me.

I don't want to feign interest in the hopes of not ending up alone.
What a whore you would have to be.
Just a dirty, rotten whore.
Would financial security be appropriate means of giving myself to another person? Nope.
But you ignorant sluts do it all the time.
Surrender to the fear of having to look at only yourself every day.
Don't get me wrong. Having a relationship with someone can be amazing.
Its finding someone who can understand you is key.
I mean, really dig into the meat of who you are.

I want my eyes roll into the back of my skull because you totally turn me on.
Not just here and there. I mean, every dark little corner.
You can lead a horse to water, but you cant force her to drink.

I don't want to hold my face in my palms and have glossed over eyes at your expense. I want you to hold my interest.
I don't deserve or desire vanilla.

I admit to having selective hearing. Its just the truth.
There are some days I only hear the good, but there are those days all I hear is the bad.
I know better, and I am extremely tuned in when its happening.
I don't care.
Those words forced my face into a screwed up little fuckpie.
Today, its here. It all started, Fridayish?

Maybe I need a coma inducing, open mouthed, hand on my belly sleep.

Or just admit whats really bothering me.

Here goes.

I'm over you Brad. Get it? Over. You.

Your eyes are looking a little aged, ( and not in a Paul Newman way ) your smile is not endearing to me anymore.
Actually, I haven't seen a genuine grin on your face in a while....
The fact is, you're just old news. I don't care for your attitude. Its boring.
So, Mr. Pitt, don't try to kiss me goodbye, my lips no longer need your service.

Mr. Clooney, please remain in the backseat of the car parked in the woods.

I think Ive got time for a run.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Night Owl

I didn't sleep last night. Well, I slept in fits. Which happens pretty often. I had to take NyQuil last night, which kept me awake. Isn't that my body's way of showing me who's boss? Most medications do the exact opposite I need them to do. Allergic to most pain medicines. They make me bananas. Welcome to the jungle I suppose. Its annoying. Just like the mean trick that Benadryl tries to play on me. It makes me edgy, and defensive. All I wanted was the sweet lull of sleep offered by taking some cold medicine with sedatives. I was cheated!!! Am I not faithful to you? I don't abuse you... (can it, APW.)

There I was. 3 AM. Eating candy, sitting on the sink in the kitchen. I was hot, too cold, too much on, not enough on, laid on the couch. Looked in the mirror. I even gave myself a stern talking to. Nothing worked. I tried to read. I vacuumed. Made a list of my favorite songs. Listened to the radio.

I eventually laid on top of the sheet and fell asleep, to wake up at 6. Not by alarm, nor dog, just me. Ready to be up.

Honestly, I got alot done. At what expense though? I'm cranky today. Impatient.

Worked up!!!

If my night hadn't been so trying, I wouldn't have looked forward to today.....

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Skin Deep

Oh, that Todd Howell. He really wants a piece of me. He toys with my emotions. One day, its raining, the next day, its gonna be a warm one. Cant we meet in the middle? No. No, we cant. Todd Howell is finicky. He wants you to continue to watch his addictive weather forecast. Here I am sitting on the very edge of my seat.....

Curious to the point, I am sweating, when we get to the 7 day deal. I stare. I cant believe my eyes. He told me there may be a warming trend, and like a kitty who is jonesing for some catnip.... bam! I'm hooked. Heart beating wildly.....breathless.

Todd Howell dares to say how 50 degrees is warm. My goosebumpy skin begs to differ.
I no longer will believe your lies T.W., not this girl. Believe you me I am feverishly making fliers with your mug on 'em. Warning other females of weathermen and their twisted plots of treachery.

Alright, alright, something I learned today.

I cant be responsible for everyone Else's piss and vinegar. I totally understand how they want me to be Miss McPisspants right along with them, but I truly enjoy this path I'm on, and will ask you to politely bitch to someone else about how deliriously happy you are pretending to be.

Don't point your finger at me. I bitch. I do. Usually after I bitch though, I do my best to get back on the happy little bunny trail. I suppose, we have to endure the bad to recognize the good. That's a hard knock right?

Remember in Fight Club.... the limo scene? Tyler says, just let go. That may be one thing I try to think of when everything looks like its in the pot. I think of Tyler letting go of the wheel, the car running into the safety thingys, scraping the sides, everyone gingerly putting on their seat belts. Then, the big crash. Metal crunching, windows shattering....pure surrender.

See you soon Buckaroos...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Rubic's Cube

First of all, I hardly ever get sick. Second of all, I think I have had a headache since Saturday. Third of all, I really believe my body is in rebellion. I realize whats about to happen. I love trying new things. I love this whole detox thing. I do love discipline. It makes you that much better.I am weaning myself off eating crap. Slowly, but surely...but its showing. I feel like my body is like the money you could be saving with Geico. Little eyeballs. Sitting next to me as I type this.

I mean, yesterday, I didn't have any junk. It felt really good. So, I think that's why I feel the way I feel today. Y'all are gonna be mad.I mean, really mad. Mad to the point you call your mama and tell her all about it. She may invite you over to sit on the couch with her and soothe you like when you were little. You're gonna be like, Why didn't I pick something to give up for lent? I'm a dumb ass. Ooh, and you're gonna be proud too. Surprised. Excited. Jealous to a point. Man, you're gonna feel a plethora of emotions.I'm jealous of the way you get to feel over my journey.

Its gonna be painful. For me. And maybe for you. I'm sure there are going to be days when I feel like a cat in a pillowcase. There may be days when I beg you to beat me with soap inside of a pillowcase, like in prison, maybe then, I will learn my lesson. Hopefully, there will plenty you can do with a pillowcase concerning me.
Then again, there is the emergency box buried in the back yard. You know where the directions are. Unless, Champ ate them. Which is probable. So, in that case, just wing it.

I may not drink coffee today. Wait, I didn't say that. The worms in my brain are apparently poisoning me as I type. I am having hot tea this morning. It has caffeine. Its also soothing my sweet little throat. It may have more caffeine than I realize... cause I'm feelin pretty bangin.

I used to babysit for this single mom, when I was around 17. She paid me in beer. She was a straight up hellion. It didn't matter, I was 17 and loved beer. I loved anything that I wasn't supposed to have or do. My parents were strict. They did their best to harness me in, it seems like I owe alot to them for my method of madness. I was alot like a pup on a runner in the yard. Like on Tom and Jerry? I'm the bulldog.

I want to do my own thing, but need someone to call me out when the crazy starts getting out of hand. And it gets out of hand pretty quickly....but in that, look, P's acting out kind of way. Remind her of her age. That shuts her down.

I don't think I'm random. I think I'm just Paula.

So even when you're a wife, and your husband needs to go the pad store for himself, just like the lady paying me in beer, we all have our issues that we want to pawn off on someone else.

Its just our choice whether or not we make it into our own.

Calling you in 5.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Do you know the definition? Well, I looked it up. It is an agreed upon word, used in any kind of sexual activity, not limited to, bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, play, that is uttered by any participant to communicate that they want the activity to be modified. BDSM? Bloody disgusting sexual manners. Have I ran into any of these "activities" lately? Nah. I think about them. Joke about them. Have you ever been with a person with bloody disgusting sexual manners? It's a freaking nightmare.

I mean, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Right? You can be 40 shades of meaning well, but if you don't have honor...where the hell are you going?

Sometimes, I feel like a frozen piece of fruit. Icy all the way through,full of color, juicy when I begin to melt.

The slow bloom of affection? Suffer in silence? Put the sunshine to shame. Frailty?

Losing beautifully...

Gaining wisely.

Am I insatiable? When will my satisfaction come full circle?

My taste buds have changed, thats for sure. Not the ones on my tongue, but in my mind, in my spirit. In me.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a client come in who is sweet as pie. She has endured so many tragedies. I know this because, people want to open up to me. I mean, I know so much about random folks, its scary. they seem absolutely comfortable around me. Whatever. Not my point.
She was checking out, we were smiling and laughing, just carrying on...

Just as she walked out the door, she said something that just made me laugh out loud.

She said, sweetheart, you need to cut out pictures of the ring you want. Your boyfriend is very lucky to have such a sweet girl! Thats how you get what you want. Bye darling!

I must have looked like a big dummy. Grinning.

I dont know what made me laugh more, that she assumed I had someone all hemmed up over me, or that I need said ring......

All I can think is, the boys havent been able to run at my pace. Slow.

Its just so funny, women my age, are dying to be married, which is great. Its just not where I am . It was such an asinine statement to hear from a stranger......

Which brings me to the end. I bought a bikini today. I mean, a rip roarin', bangin', look at me and nothing else bikini.

I cant stand all the cold.

Here comes the sun.....

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I always forget the thing. It reminds me of when I was growing up, we always had extra kids at my house. Mama had her hands full. And I have always been the youngest. Back to passwords, my sister and I had this club we called The Bobcats. I said it. The Bobcats. We even had this cool folder that my sister had made. She drew this really cool face of her version of a bobcat.I should correct myself. Rachel had a club and I could be in it if there werent any other kids around. The password always changed. The meetings were held by the cherry tree or in the playhouse Daddy had built for us. She was always changing the thats my battle with passwords.

I suppose thats why I had become more independent than her. I always wanted to be by myself. In my own world, with my barbies. Or in the barn with Daddy. Mama said I was so stoic as a toddler, she worried. I also couldnt hear. They had my ears tested. I seemed to have had repeated ear infections, tubes, surgeries on both of my ears for a good portion of my childhood. For a long time, they thought I was deaf. I still have hearing issues, the hearing in my right ear goes in and out at times. Which is funny, bc I consider it my "hearing" ear.

Oh right, independent. and Rachel. For starters, shes blond. Blue eyed.Shes 4'10. Busty. Big bootied. Its ok, she knows this. Shes a Mamas girl. She has kids and is married. Shes freaking amazing. Its not secret that shes considered more of..... well, the baby.

I am brunette. Blue eyed. 5'2 ish? Not so busty. Medium sized bootied. A total Daddys girl.
Unmarried and barren, according to Vicky Clause..... (I smile while I type that part.)Huge joke in my family......everyone else seems to hear my life ticking away.....

Equally amazing. Working on amazing.

Right now though, I feel more like Ron Burgundy,ridiculous. (still laughing, now)

I did find out this morning, some people get pissed when you call their dachshund a wiener dog. So get it straight people. I almost fell out of my skin when I heard the pronunciation for dachshund for this fella. Its the reason I call them wiener dogs. (To not look like an ass.)

Thats all for now. Do you know what wiener dogs are made of?

Friday, February 13, 2009


More love in the mail!!! Best friend pictures!!!!! I think Friday the 13th is my day. Best day ever. Sorry, VH1. Wait, is that Best Week Ever? Yeah. Ok, it doesnt matter. I'm not at all superstitious. Just a littlestitious.

I may truck it back down to the Boro Saturday night. It may be late. I may have to. Landa said, do something for yourself. We all have that dear friend. Concerned where you are, if youre eating right, worried that there isnt enough care for only you.

Dont get me wrong. I'm just as self absorbed as any other girl. But its only because Im so oblivious to whats going on around me when im having a good time.

These have been short so far, no worries,the ramblies are on their way........

Thursday, February 12, 2009


If you cant be genuine, get out. I dont want you, I absolutely dont need you, so please, exit quietly. Or make a scene. Just do it. Yep. Do it. I love it. I will take you as you are. Im that girl. I have no expectations. Its comfortable. I will sit back, admire your sensibilities. Or lack of.

At this time, I am just me. Cute. Funny? Missing the bus completely? I dont think so, I feel as if, I have it. For the most part.

I received the most beautiful pictures today. A valentine from a 20 month old. No bills.
No junk mail. Just the most pure form of friendship and partnership.........



Monday, February 9, 2009

Blinded by the light

Rockin. I cant help where I have been. On an island? Sure, of sorts. I see a rescue boat right over the horizon though. My weekend was fabulous. I was able to see Jme before she leaves for Texas. There were flaws in the plan for sure. Thats ok.

Look @ the many facets of your true friendships. I am very blessed to have true, genuine, friends. We may fall to pieces here and there, but for the most part, we have it together. Thats ok. We are either falling apart, doubting ourselves, convincing ourselves we are crap. Why didnt I think that through? Whats going on with the consequences of our actions? We always lift each other up.

I feel like I have been @ the bottom of the barrel for so long, I forgot how nice it is to be on top.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Cheeze Whiz

I just wonder, whats goin on? Im not even going to pretend to use any proper language or punctuation. Its so not me. I dont want to be inside the lines. Is that so bad? Even after a couple of glasses of wine. Still. Nope. I mean, even being the most bangin coffee maker. I can eyeball 4 to 8 cups. Easy. i guess we are all full of talent. Mine apparently, is coffee making. and other things.

You seem to be into that. I mean, you took the time to actually read this. Thanks. Even when I write extreme crap. I like being an open book. I dont agree with pushing my feelings deep down.

I dont believe in faking. I will not fake an orgasm. It is the ultimate cheap. Why make someone feel better about themselves when you have been denied the true pleasure you deserve?

I will not be in a relationship. Not yet. Look @ me. Im a mess. Thats ok.

Kinda, a beautiful mess. I love me. Every stupid little embarrassing thing. I love it.

I will not be something I am not. It just cant happen. I may not be run of the mill.

Is that not cute? Enamoring? Yeah, im buzzed and full of it.