Monday, July 25, 2011

First Listen.

Which feels impossible. I'm horrible when it comes to actually listening. I'm not sure why. B would look at the family tree. No one is pointing fingers though. It's pretty serious when every day feels like an uphill battle and all you do is daydream about is jumping into a mountain swimming hole while you drone it up at work. That's right, I said it. Drone it up. Just another worker bee on the fringe. Friday was helpful, to go out with J and R. Relax a little bit and not fuss over the details. Or worry what the significant other may be up to, or being afraid of getting in trouble with them. I use that term loosely. Getting in trouble, but I think anyone with a pulse and has had any kind of experience with any kind of relationship can testify. I even thought I looked pretty. Actually, all three of us gals looked beautiful. Congratulations to me though for not sucking down shots. Mainly because I was worried about falling and showing my rear to the Knoxville area. S and I were talking about how much we missed The Underground last week, and it made me miss it even more when we didn't go dancing. That's okay. I wore a lot of white tanks and saggy shorts when I was in Underground mode. Never a dress and sweet heels. That's okay though. Who made who? I made me. Not in that all knowing sense, but I made me dress up. That's right. I'm the gal making decisions around here. Not the man behind the curtain.

Back to Friday, it was uber relaxing. Maybe because school isn't in and I was surrounded by mainly people our age. I wasn't measuring up to any gal at Half-Barrel. Which I suggest you avoid, unless you know, you might be under 25. That's a past experience, but hand in hand, it sure fits right in.

B told me great news concerning our future. Which has been a bit of a confidence builder this morning. Yay!

Saturday. B and I hiked Rainbow Falls and it was beautiful. Except it was hot as the devil's rear end outside. It was a moderately difficult trail, but worth it. Lots of waterfalls, as expected, unbelievable ferns, welcoming moss along the forest floor. And, LOTS of mushrooms. The Smurf's never had it so good, let me tell ya. We started late but with the summer months it isn't as damning to start so late in the day. Plenty of daylight, but what you always need is plenty of water. I sweated like a dude on Saturday, partly due to the fact I had alcohol pouring out of my pores also. I felt like a pro, partying it up Friday night and then going out on a long hike the next day.

But, I'm uber tired today. I had nightmares and trouble falling asleep, but mainly trouble staying asleep. I also got into reading a book about grief and I guess that was the answer to all that multiplies anxiety. Greeting me not to sleep so well? Who knows, but I had a great weekend and it was worth it!

Monday, July 18, 2011


We really have a need for a rhythm of life. I think we all do. We all crave not monotony, not even schedule, but some kind of sameness. Something to count on. Although no one is going to experience the same thing, I do believe we all get to take advantage of what is possible. Unlike some of these sensibilities we crave, downright need, the world loves to take that away from us. Our deep cravings of closeness and desire of a normal rhythm is unbelievably important. We wouldn't all be so hungry for it, if this wasn't the case. The man for instance, trying to get us down. Life in general trying to get us down. Or even tragedy for goodness sake. Things we don't have control of. Throwing us in tailspins and crashing us into the snowy mountains. eh. Its ridiculous.

Things are so confusing that I get to the point of daydreaming of being bitten by a crocodile. That's strange. I don't live anywhere near crocodiles. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself something.

I grew out of that stage of wanting silly, pointless things. I'm in an area of pure craving. I crave/want great things. I want to live in the same household as my B. We cant live together because its against moral law. Even if we did, would we be cheating what ultimately is going to happen? I'm not sure. But there's fear there and I think that fear is necessary in order for me not to pack my dogs like the hillbillies and strap the stepbrothers into seat belts causing much drama all around. I don't think there is a mighty fix it. I think that some where, life is going to have to give. Sacrifice is what will have to come into play. I had gotten to a (selfish) place where I couldn't allow any more sacrifice to enter my life, but I am slowly coming into realizing that maybe it wasn't so bad. Sacrifice is a key to recieve more unexpectedly, and that's math dude! Is this the ebb and flow I need to relinquish so more can be planted and manifested? More than likely.

I'm going to keep on.

Wednesday we plan to hike and hopefully some answers will just come up on their own then. I'm inviting these answers to come along on this hike. That's open minded, right? Invite the answers out and see if they show up? Heck, that's downright genius. (I'm patting myself on the back.)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sticker shock

Well, it ain't over til it's over. Right?

Friday, July 1, 2011

Get in line!

New list of projects. That have to get finished.