Wednesday, January 27, 2010

On the move

Invalidator? Validator? Trusting? Or naive? Bad to worse? Fair to middlin'. There are such long and lonely days. Whether you have it all or even just a little bit. Its tough when you feel as worn down as a smooth rock found in the river. After years of rough water flowing on top of you, beside you, underneath you, its bound to happen. I have been desperately sitting still and listening. Am I doing enough? Wheres the boundary? Do I still have to try? Sometimes the answer is yes, but most of the time no.

B and I had a great day yesterday. We were 2 peas in a pod. I voted we move to a desolate island, dogs and all. The reason? Is because there is so much that "could" happen. We ran into a dude that B goes to church with. He was talking about his wife having "the fever" and that she needed to go to work or school, she just couldnt stay home and do "nothing." Which makes sense. But it also pushed my buttons. I continuously ate my fried rice and veggies so didnt offend. B and I were both in hairy moods even though the day was good and we were happy to have some time to spend with each other. I grinned like a Cheshire cat. B drags all kinds of shit out of me, even when its hard to say. I dont know how how he does his black magic, but it works on me. I sit there singing like a bird. (not in front of Reid though.) I suppose with B, I know there will not ever be consequences for just saying whats up. He might disagree, but even if he does he always makes it sound okay. I dont feel attacked or let down, or dragged through the mud. Life is hard. Thats a fact. But shouldnt we be trying to make things easier for the people who matter? The ones who love us?

I discussed negative thoughts and feelings yesterday, and B was able to communicate his doubts and fears too. Which has helped us feel better. I believe in time. I believe in taking steps. As a student of Bill Murray, I can hear him repeat : Baby steps.

So then I question it all. AM I listening? Am I calm enough? If things rock my boat, shouldnt I ignore it? What if facing these things I have real healthy fears about, hurt?

Well dear if I didnt build myself so damn much on my bed of fear, anxiety, doubt, and what ifs, my doggone fall woulndt hurt so badly. Right?

I do not ignore the fact I know good things are coming, answers, endings, results will happen. I hope I groom myself into preparing my mind for all things possible or impossible for that matter. I cant stand still and ignore the wind.

P.S. Im crushing on John Mayer again. Its sick, I know.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Bird IS the Word, Sis.

The mixture of Johnny Cash and the like are flying through my head today. From "Understand your Man" to "Sunday Morning Coming Down." January has been an excruciatingly long month. Not only for me but for everyone I know. In the stillness though, I am reminded to slow down. To keep my eye on the horizon. Study the branches without leaves against the sky. Unfortunately, this also breeds winds of change. I told y'all last week it was coming. I get this way every year. All ancy and rearrangy. My personality struggles with the wrong fit. Coming from a lady who ate 6 doughnuts yesterday, I am trying like hell to mend fences today.

Fence has been mended. Although it took an act of congress. Daddy confessed he just gave up. Didnt care if the farm fell down around his ears. I understand. but it took a raging, crying meltdown of a fit from me on Friday to finally convince my Daddy of all these bad things happening to his daughter and that I was so miserable and mad with just living with it. Having neighbors cows in your yard, p.s. that have to travel from the back field that constantly get into the yard which is a nasty mess any way, the yard you have to walk back and forth to get to the door with mud caked to your shoes, from taking care of your inside animals to the outside animals..... so on and so forth. I started to hate where I live. I had to tell Daddy so. It hurt. It hurt him, it hurt me, but it brought forth progress the next day. Daddy and Ernie fixed all the fence around the barn, my house and down the driveway a spell. I cried when I saw all the work they had accomplished on Saturday, which also turned all my animosity into a grateful heart.

I dont know why it has to be so bad to make it better, but it seems to be the most intelligent step.

B is facing so many trap doors lately. Which is heartbreaking. BC he always takes care of me no matter what. He bought me a super warm fleece and wool socks for my birthday. I needed them, and nearly have them both wore out. It seems so small, but he seems so careful with me. This weekend we decided I was an elusive snow leopard..... he never fials to make me smile. B shows a lot of strength even though he is at an all time low privately and professionally. Even though I need all kinds of help, he never refuses to do so. Which in turn makes me want to be his helper. Want is powerful. I want B to have job. Being out of a job for 10 months isnt fun. I am grateful for the plight though. If he hadnt had this time, maybe we wouldnt have been able to develop a tight knit friendship, and it wouldnt have filled our hearts with love. One day in the summer we ran out of gas on Piedmont road. We got it off the road and called for help. We sat on the side of the road with legs flung into the top of a creek. We saw a critter swimming in the water. We threw walnuts into the water. We laughed. It didnt matter we ran out of gas. It was an amazing day, and now its a memory of us.

All week it has rained. Stormed. Thrashed. Knowing nothings perfect, B has been sick, not having a job has taken away a sense of pride, he still smiles. He discovered yesterday that someone had backed into the mailbox, and its all screwed up. The post isnt okay, the box seems okay, but its still a bummer. His dryer broke through the week but his parents had an extra so we were able to move it Saturday. Luke and B put the new dryer in last night, but it completely spent him. This is one of the few times I have seen B as upset as he is. Like always, trying to protect me, I believe its bad. I believe it has went from bad to worse.

I dont care to walk over the volcano with him though.

Having a grateful heart is hard work, but just like everything else in the world, its worth it. Im struggling with so many burdens, just like you. I didnt go to church yesterday because we just needed a break. I did read a lot of the bible last night which has delivered great peace. Peace is a treasure. Peace is something I will fight to the death for. Hope sustains me in the drought, in the valley, in the plain fact things just wont go the way I try to plan. So what I can do is commit to is having faith. In knowing it will work out, knowing it may get even worse before it gets better. Recognizing the outcome is better than the circumstance. Just trying.

B is the priority bc he had/has/will/is making me a priority. His actions have made me a believer when all I believed was nothing good can come out of realationships/building futures/and being crippled by the past. Hopefully, I can master the Jedi skills he obviously possesses. I also have stopped believing LIES I have believed about myself. (not all of them though, rebuilding and changing ourselves takes time.)

Bryans job IS coming. How do I know? I just do. It burns in my belly. The coming job keeps me alert. It also prepares me for the changes which will come. As unsettling as it is, more changes are about to happen. Whether birth or death. Literal birth and death, not physical, btw. I think I am getting ready. Putting on armor. Being slow in my movements may be the most wonderful thing for us. I know I am still going to run out of patience, but I also know I will be refilled. So will B. So will our outlooks.

Things, situations, beings do not change on their own, its inevitable. And nothing will stop it.

I am going to try to be prepared though. You might find me on the side of the road, imperfect but aware. Legs flung. I think all the work, waiting, and pure want will be worth it.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

2 Smart Women/and 1 man I can respect.

One day at a time - this is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone.
And do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet to come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
Ida Scott Taylor

Home is where you are treated with dignity ans respect and where you feel safe and deserving.
Even on the worst days.
Woman who runs a homeless shelter - NYC

Work and love,
if you can be successful in both -
even if the work is really hard -
you'll be happy.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Lady Bird - up all night

With a little Kenny Loggins, it'll be alright.

I couldnt put any more progressive effort into it any further. the shiny dimes in your eyes. (I love that song.) Made me gloriously angry. Angry @ who? Angry @ me. Unable to process the emotions we continue to tenure the idea. I need to heal, so let me apologize for the fun of it. One more game. (Dont let me hold you back.) Whatever.
Say it.
Get over it.
I cant sit in this mud pile any longer. It hurts to get dirty when you know its not a fair fight. Oh sucker punch. Its comfort in the bottle.
Recognize the difference?
Made to sufficiently fail at procuring correct destiny.
Should I point fingers? Only at myself.
Can I help your identity is so imaginary?

My bad.

I have a lot to give. A lot to take away. Glad you had decided to take stock in me, even though the hen house was immaculate. Them City hens are pretty plain, once you take off the lipstick.
I do have extenuating mercy for the ones who may not deserve it. Claim it.
I might have a chance at something bigger and greater.
Very Circus-like.
I have a struggle of not sharing myself. Most of the time I need rest.

From me. From the guilt. The remorse.

I aint afraid of no ghost.

Its the indigestion that follows that makes me hate the food in order for me to survive.
Even though the fall hurt, it still happened.
There may not be an end.
To my self-punishment.
All of a sudden

I was expected to be a woman. ( Watch So I Married An Axe Murderer)
A mind reader.
Know it all.

I was just plain though.

In that case, I need more information.
Let go, pick the bloom, more will come then.

Im as quivery as a sleepin dog. Wild in my dreams. No one knows why I tremor.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Chances are

Slim to none. Odds are stacked.

The borders of my imagination, suffers. All I gotta do is live with the knowledge stored up in me. Consistently trying. Sometimes I feel like a fool for the way I feel, but all I can do is emote what is happening, or the way I see it. My perception is not like yours. So that makes me special. It keeps my eyes big in hope and dual frustration. Teetering on the balance of falling off my feet. Or day tripping through the daises too much. Not even my darkest secret could throw me off the horse. Just that imaginary rattlesnake. Not THAT one, the one next to it.

Sometimes my words come out WAY too melancholy for others to comprehend. This is my nature. Utterly ignorantly happy in my spasms of euphoria. Battled to the ground with your perception, just as equal to mine. Only you had to google your opinion. I sit ripe with guilt and absolute irritation.

Feeling a touch patronized for airing the facts. The facts of life. And, Tootie just isnt present. I feel unbelievably vicious, which humanizes me just a tad further. Its my private joy. To be understood in the mist of all your pessimistic attitudes.

She said it would be just fine to wash out the egg shells. And, I value her opinion. I hold it close to my psyche. We all need a person who fuels our fires. Artistically and with an open mind. It also helps to be on the same path. I JUST hate getting lost in the woods.

Or falling on the electric fence.

That s.o.b was TURNED UP!

Im learning to exagerate just a litle more, but only about cold hard facts. This is my one facet I need to shine your eyes with. Im sure your vision could return within the week. I hope so.
I essentially closed my eyes and worried for nothing. My gratitude was overwhelming, and its so unfortunate it wasnt noticed. (Insert "Poor Unfortunate Souls here.) I liked Ursula. But only for the whole power trip thing. You know me, on the coattails of the bullies. (Here I am french kissing BOTH eels.)

Eyes red from staying up late and anxiously waiting to get to write it out..... the morning is my battle. Not the night. On the river known as denial. The water is a beautiful shade of plum.

he mentioned how I have aged well. Due to all the sleeping and napping. And lack of others draining the unbearable life out of me. I look like a brand new Barbie doll. Except, it would be okay for Holli to cut my hair off. Just you let her.

Im working on not assuming things. Im working on the natural order. I m working on going with my gut. Im suppressing my smile in order to save your ego. Its fancy and cat and mouse. Rather than eating the ham sandwich under the trap, I would go hungry.

And I do quite well with it.

I suppose its the thirst that drives me mad. It may have been a little much. Putting on the show. Presumption showing its ugly teeth in the cave. How could it have happened? I had only one drink!!!! This is the spiral.

It only takes one.

Spark of magic, let the torment begin. Remind me why everything felt so far away? They grow up way too fast. Our pitiful excuse for a brain that is. Once it turns into jello its hard to put it in a helmet. Always use protection.

I know its just a head.

Just ahead though, is right around the bend.

It turns out, youre just as emotionally handicapped as the rest of us. Claiming your condition doesnt make you any more sexy. Owning the fact you are living on medication, and believing such things as delusional unicorns having picnics on my lap, wouldnt count either.

So cut the shit. I know the game.

Be the animal. Live the animal.

It only takes practice.

Monday, January 18, 2010

pop the trunk

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9

Yesterday was training day for me. As usual, as normal, church made me a blubbering idiot. As usual, as normal, it helped me receive a hair of clarity. Back to square one. Back to bed. Back to basics. I'm over my head.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Monday, Monday......

Cant trust that day.....

Thats okay, cause today is Saturday!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!! Saturday!!! I get to dress up today and probably fall on my face at some point due to the fact I am wearing heels later in the evening. (maybe due to the vodka martini's I plan to have also.) Y'all know me, and you know I am much more at home in my galoshes and torn up over-alls. That's right, I wear them all Kid n Play like. One strap on the shoulder, one strap, er, lack of strap dangling. But only at the farm. It's finally not tundra-like here in good ol' East Tennessee. It's mild, and I like it. Of course I have dangerous skidding to a stop-take off gone wrong-burst of Spring fever. Why Miss Paula, it's January! (Let me pass out all Southern lady stereo-type-like.) In reality, yes. Yes, it is January. My big thaw always comes early. When I decide to be all surly, hissy, misbehavin' madman of a lady, that's when it gets sticky for me. Dont worry, I have my gun in my garter.

The big thaw will begin in the middle of Winter, it always does. I'm fine with this. Lent is on its way, right with Girl Scout Cookies. Yeah, my biggest nemesis since Hershey bars. With Lent comes Easter, and with Easter, I feel amazing. Easter is my FAVORITE holiday. Easter outranks Thanksgiving or Christmas. ANY TIME.

The Farmer's Almanac warns of rough weather coming. Through February and so on. Alright. The Almanac is usually dead on, so I'm getting ready like a tree rat gathering provisions in the middle of Georgia.

The big thaw always produces wonderful fruit. Which proves me anxious. I am hopeful. I mean, I am on fire with hope. Burning in my belly.

Working out is going great. Icing down after my work outs are also helping me tremendously. This was especially true last night after doing WAY too many repetitions when I did my weight training. Oh, hockey sticks.

I'm a cross between The Lost Boys a la Kiefer Sutherland and The Lost Boys a la Peter Pan. Its precious. Its very Holli too. Innocent. Twisted.

Over thought.

I know good things are here.

Hard to understand.



Will the real me please stand up?

Butterflies are Free. (Movie) (1972)

(No pictures of food!)


Going with my heart.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

More R. Kelly!!!!!

Although I am not where I want to be physically or (uh, on my way though,) mentally today, I will get by. Out of sheer deterimination. You fighter you. All rosy with the glow.

Down by the bay.....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Red Bird

Currently on the path of getting it on, getting it right, and cutting it out. What is it and why does it fall in so many categories? Well chickens, even hours of scratching my head and eating protein packed cereal, even I don't know. I am wearing lots of tights and skirts with knee socks, cold be damned. Okay, maybe only in my mind for now. I am itching to go shopping and cavorting. I shoulda went yesterday. True. I should have. B had worked like a Trojan horse yesterday salting and shoveling the driveway. I couldn't ask him to take me here there and afar. Even though we did take a drive and had a long talk. These 2 things, I love. It reminds me of being a little girl and staying with my Mamaw and Papaw. Comfort. I believe I am feeling somewhat better in the whole "What does it mean? " stage in my life. Because, I'm not really a "What does it mean? " type of girl. I usually don't question things bigger than my being. I just don't. Anyway, I am finding ways conducive to my happiness. Y'all probably think I'm all high and mighty with my church thing, but it helps me. Church is my therapy, and I shouldn't abandon this. All because I don't want to get up. Pastor Bob needs me!!! Just as I need him.

Its all too much some days, I know. Take heart though. Yesterday was your tomorrow that you worried so much through. I have wished my life away through those days. Last night I layed in bed and prayed. I prayed for open doors, open windows, open hearts. I prayed for negative emotions to go away, I prayed for cracks in the pathway to be repaired, or to be shown a new way I didn't see before. I prayed. I prayed for B to gain employment and I know it all will come through. God has promised to take care of things I know nothing about. I felt strange peace. Like B had already found his job. Or that the job found him.

One thing I struggle with is bitterness. I am very bitter. to the core. Bitterness has caused me to harbor feelings that I am ashamed to admit. Like for instance, I probably will be 35 or older before I bear a child. And just like me, my child will have older parents. Avenues can be opened I know, but none of you will know how I feel like backs have been turned on me. In return, I have turned my back just as easily. For some reason, that bitterness has tasted so good. Just like you, I will have to worry about birth defects and whether or not I will be able to conceive. In the same breath, bearing children, being pregnant, (unless I'm listening to R. Kelly) and maybe actually giving birth scares the bejesus out of me.

Sometimes, I feel like God is moving so swiftly and so mightily I may miss it. Hopefully not though. I do not want to be blinded by negative when God is clearly working for all things good.

P.S. B loses his unemployment pay on February 1st. (Blinders!!!)

On a GREAT note though, my skinny pants are on the way to being skinny again. (Score!)
Shallow waters, maybe.

Finding what makes me happy has sometimes proven what couldn't make me happy.
Disguise and change.
I have embarked on impossible journeys.
Lapse of judgement.
When I know whats impeccable.
Clean. Sure.
Conceived notions of pure abandon.

I tell myself lies.
Instead of going for the sure thing.

So why all this " World not working for me?" stuff.
Why doesnt it work for me?

Possibly, I am a thinker.

An overly emotional, animalistic, socialized, (if not under) fantasizing individual.

Protective of myself.

A real fixer-upper.

Part of the reason?
Is because I want.
I see things.

In order to move forward, I have to shed the old me. The old clothes, the old thinking, the old shell of what could have been.

Going much better than they have been.

Why? I deserve it.

Why? Because God's love for me is infinite.

Why? Because I'm just like you.

I hope. I am afforded that luxury. To hope.

The poorest of poor, hope.
The most knowledgeable individual, hopes.

We all hope for different things.
And the end result is ultimately the same.

Satisfaction gained.

Assertive. In full motion. Sensitive.

With the utmost respect.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Happiness? Where are you!!!?????

For me it's going to begin with going back to church. That's my first step. What's yours?

Monday, January 11, 2010


Forgive me. Help me find forgiveness in my heart. Help me be humble.
Keep me focused. Understanding. Broaden my vision. Comprehend.
Expand. Enveloped in it all.


Revenge. Wrath. Gets us no where but deeper in the hole.

Causes me not to see the sun.
Oblivious to the rising and setting.

I could use a little more softness.
With my speech.
With my actions.

When did it become so desirable to be so wicked? I mean, high school is eons over for the lot
of us. It will be easier to let go. Then go quickly on your way.

Hope brimming.

Inspiration will come. As long as I have faith. Hold it in my hands.

All the snow has shown how many critters are all over the place. As of right now I park @ the bottom of the hill in my cubby hole. I walk up the driveway, for the most part not losing my breath. I still don't LOVE the snow. But I LOVE to see the different critter prints up and down the driveway. (Especially the bird ones.)

My vision is broad.


Breaking bad habits. Even if I do have a bad day.
It shouldn't overshadow what's important.

Like living.

Greed. Touchy subject.

I'm living an extremely greedy life.
That bears the fruit. (My tree is weak.)

Holding back.

It hurts me.

No one is an island. As hard as they try.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
My plea.

Human nature.
Renewed strength.
Obtain. As always, open ears.

Blood hungry.

A symbol of freedom. Safe in the storm.

Show me how to change.
Change ME Lord.

Show me what to do.
I am lost.

When I hit the wall: What's next? Giant. Strong.

Shadows and dust.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

9:46 AM

Open my ears for listening. This is a need. My plea. Radiant. Better.
Elegant. Dramatic. Beautiful.


Survival. Of the fittest.

Rebuilding. Fresh. Fought hard. Handle. On things. Reality.
Long. Lush.

For the past few days, I haven't felt "ON."

How many "End of the worlds have you lived through?"
And still lived.

I need to be where my heart lies. And not leave it to die.
I smell the fire but have no idea how to start it.

I pray for motivation. For it all to be better.
For encouragement.

I pray for solid leads.

I pray for something. A glimmer.
Hidden in my heart.
I pray for discernment.
For forgiveness.

For grace to learn to forgive.

For others.
For myself.


What ifs and how tos.

I need



New avenues.


I need to be outside. BUT its so doggone cold.

I need to go look around.
By myself.

Much love,