Monday, January 25, 2010

Bird IS the Word, Sis.

The mixture of Johnny Cash and the like are flying through my head today. From "Understand your Man" to "Sunday Morning Coming Down." January has been an excruciatingly long month. Not only for me but for everyone I know. In the stillness though, I am reminded to slow down. To keep my eye on the horizon. Study the branches without leaves against the sky. Unfortunately, this also breeds winds of change. I told y'all last week it was coming. I get this way every year. All ancy and rearrangy. My personality struggles with the wrong fit. Coming from a lady who ate 6 doughnuts yesterday, I am trying like hell to mend fences today.

Fence has been mended. Although it took an act of congress. Daddy confessed he just gave up. Didnt care if the farm fell down around his ears. I understand. but it took a raging, crying meltdown of a fit from me on Friday to finally convince my Daddy of all these bad things happening to his daughter and that I was so miserable and mad with just living with it. Having neighbors cows in your yard, p.s. that have to travel from the back field that constantly get into the yard which is a nasty mess any way, the yard you have to walk back and forth to get to the door with mud caked to your shoes, from taking care of your inside animals to the outside animals..... so on and so forth. I started to hate where I live. I had to tell Daddy so. It hurt. It hurt him, it hurt me, but it brought forth progress the next day. Daddy and Ernie fixed all the fence around the barn, my house and down the driveway a spell. I cried when I saw all the work they had accomplished on Saturday, which also turned all my animosity into a grateful heart.

I dont know why it has to be so bad to make it better, but it seems to be the most intelligent step.

B is facing so many trap doors lately. Which is heartbreaking. BC he always takes care of me no matter what. He bought me a super warm fleece and wool socks for my birthday. I needed them, and nearly have them both wore out. It seems so small, but he seems so careful with me. This weekend we decided I was an elusive snow leopard..... he never fials to make me smile. B shows a lot of strength even though he is at an all time low privately and professionally. Even though I need all kinds of help, he never refuses to do so. Which in turn makes me want to be his helper. Want is powerful. I want B to have job. Being out of a job for 10 months isnt fun. I am grateful for the plight though. If he hadnt had this time, maybe we wouldnt have been able to develop a tight knit friendship, and it wouldnt have filled our hearts with love. One day in the summer we ran out of gas on Piedmont road. We got it off the road and called for help. We sat on the side of the road with legs flung into the top of a creek. We saw a critter swimming in the water. We threw walnuts into the water. We laughed. It didnt matter we ran out of gas. It was an amazing day, and now its a memory of us.

All week it has rained. Stormed. Thrashed. Knowing nothings perfect, B has been sick, not having a job has taken away a sense of pride, he still smiles. He discovered yesterday that someone had backed into the mailbox, and its all screwed up. The post isnt okay, the box seems okay, but its still a bummer. His dryer broke through the week but his parents had an extra so we were able to move it Saturday. Luke and B put the new dryer in last night, but it completely spent him. This is one of the few times I have seen B as upset as he is. Like always, trying to protect me, I believe its bad. I believe it has went from bad to worse.

I dont care to walk over the volcano with him though.

Having a grateful heart is hard work, but just like everything else in the world, its worth it. Im struggling with so many burdens, just like you. I didnt go to church yesterday because we just needed a break. I did read a lot of the bible last night which has delivered great peace. Peace is a treasure. Peace is something I will fight to the death for. Hope sustains me in the drought, in the valley, in the plain fact things just wont go the way I try to plan. So what I can do is commit to is having faith. In knowing it will work out, knowing it may get even worse before it gets better. Recognizing the outcome is better than the circumstance. Just trying.

B is the priority bc he had/has/will/is making me a priority. His actions have made me a believer when all I believed was nothing good can come out of realationships/building futures/and being crippled by the past. Hopefully, I can master the Jedi skills he obviously possesses. I also have stopped believing LIES I have believed about myself. (not all of them though, rebuilding and changing ourselves takes time.)

Bryans job IS coming. How do I know? I just do. It burns in my belly. The coming job keeps me alert. It also prepares me for the changes which will come. As unsettling as it is, more changes are about to happen. Whether birth or death. Literal birth and death, not physical, btw. I think I am getting ready. Putting on armor. Being slow in my movements may be the most wonderful thing for us. I know I am still going to run out of patience, but I also know I will be refilled. So will B. So will our outlooks.

Things, situations, beings do not change on their own, its inevitable. And nothing will stop it.

I am going to try to be prepared though. You might find me on the side of the road, imperfect but aware. Legs flung. I think all the work, waiting, and pure want will be worth it.

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