Wednesday, January 27, 2010

On the move

Invalidator? Validator? Trusting? Or naive? Bad to worse? Fair to middlin'. There are such long and lonely days. Whether you have it all or even just a little bit. Its tough when you feel as worn down as a smooth rock found in the river. After years of rough water flowing on top of you, beside you, underneath you, its bound to happen. I have been desperately sitting still and listening. Am I doing enough? Wheres the boundary? Do I still have to try? Sometimes the answer is yes, but most of the time no.

B and I had a great day yesterday. We were 2 peas in a pod. I voted we move to a desolate island, dogs and all. The reason? Is because there is so much that "could" happen. We ran into a dude that B goes to church with. He was talking about his wife having "the fever" and that she needed to go to work or school, she just couldnt stay home and do "nothing." Which makes sense. But it also pushed my buttons. I continuously ate my fried rice and veggies so didnt offend. B and I were both in hairy moods even though the day was good and we were happy to have some time to spend with each other. I grinned like a Cheshire cat. B drags all kinds of shit out of me, even when its hard to say. I dont know how how he does his black magic, but it works on me. I sit there singing like a bird. (not in front of Reid though.) I suppose with B, I know there will not ever be consequences for just saying whats up. He might disagree, but even if he does he always makes it sound okay. I dont feel attacked or let down, or dragged through the mud. Life is hard. Thats a fact. But shouldnt we be trying to make things easier for the people who matter? The ones who love us?

I discussed negative thoughts and feelings yesterday, and B was able to communicate his doubts and fears too. Which has helped us feel better. I believe in time. I believe in taking steps. As a student of Bill Murray, I can hear him repeat : Baby steps.

So then I question it all. AM I listening? Am I calm enough? If things rock my boat, shouldnt I ignore it? What if facing these things I have real healthy fears about, hurt?

Well dear if I didnt build myself so damn much on my bed of fear, anxiety, doubt, and what ifs, my doggone fall woulndt hurt so badly. Right?

I do not ignore the fact I know good things are coming, answers, endings, results will happen. I hope I groom myself into preparing my mind for all things possible or impossible for that matter. I cant stand still and ignore the wind.

P.S. Im crushing on John Mayer again. Its sick, I know.


  1. I have to veto this whole "desolate island" scenario. However, I will offer exterior stone walls, discretely topped with electrified barb wire, a huge wrought iron gate, intercom and more trees to the compound.