Saturday, May 29, 2010


One day, I was a caged bird. As caged as a bird could be. I was a caged bird who was told when to sing, when to eat, when to drink, when to sleep, when and how I was to play. I had limits.
Yet, I longed for wisdom. Informed choices.

But I didn't know I was a bird.

I knew I was an eclectic form, but not a bird. I knew I had wings, but I had no idea how they worked. My Master had shown me the plans long before I was caged. That was before I knew I was a bird, and not this eclectic form I thought I had been. He told me. But, I refused to listen. When I was offered the cage, I had no idea I had compromised my future. My freedom.

I should have listened to The Master.

Not I. I had to go my own way, and I landed myself in a trap. Of false security. False hope. I shut The Master out, I thought I knew better. Boy, was I wrong. I believed I was nothing special.

I wasn't a bird.

I couldn't let myself free. I was only an eclectic form. I had been told no. Told I didn't know any better. My mirror was taken away. I was not believed in. I remember a long time ago, The Master had told me: "If you cant love yourself, how will you love anyone else?"

I often stood where eagles dared.


I never knew I was a bird.

I looked only at the bars. And never past. I washed my face because the water was cool, and I knew that face was mine.

I knew that face was mine.

I could sing. But I sang a tune that was only on the cusp of being familiar. The tune I sang was not mine. I got close to the bars one day - and could barely look past them. I blinked. I blinked my black eyes. So I blinked once again. I sat close to the bars from that point on.

I. As a bird, paid attention. I studied.
Then, I longed.

One day, my mirror was returned to my cage. I fancied my mirror. But, I still only saw my eclectic form, but just past the reflection, I saw a door! PAST THE BARS!

Sure, I was fed. Hand fed. Picked through though. Could only have what was given.

Then I started reading the newspaper that lined my cage.
I kept learning, eclectic form.

Grooming my feathers one day, I saw another door. But it was not a door I noticed before. It was the door to my cage. But where had it come from? And why didn't I notice this door before??!!

I must have had a look on my face. A bird look.

Then, the darkness came. A cloak.

I layed down, and slept. I slept a sleep of bird-like hibernation. (An eclectic hibernation.) An eclectic form in her cocoon. In the darkness I received my education. I twitched.

I even cried a little.

I slept with my little birdy tongue hanging out. (But, I wasn't sure it was a little birdy tongue.)

I attempted to wake up. My black eyes blinking. My stomach hurt, or whatever was that thing that felt like a burning orb inside me. I even cried a little.

I remembered the cage door. So I looked for the cage door. Even in the dark. I even thought about The Master. Even in the dark. I was so hungry! So hungry! So I worked. Diligently.
I never took my tiny black eyes off the door.

I started washing my face. Once a day. Twice a day. Once an hour.

It gave me sweet clarity. I felt like the Indian Squaw I had read about on the cage floor.

(Remember? I was a reading bird.)

BUT!!!! I still had no idea, I was a bird!

A bird! I was a bird!

The Indian Squaw worked with her hands the words said. She used her mind. I even found out she washed her own face! Like me! It made me work more. I started believing in myself. Like the little engine that could! Here I was, just a little bird!!! Valuable!!! Just as the Indian Squaw.

She was a self made Bird herself.

Slowly, but surely, I worked with my beak. I started unraveling the cloak that was around my cage. Little by little. I saw light!!! My tiny black eyes hurt. From crying. Form frustration. From working. From doing. I mean, they burned like coals.

I worked with my beak.
I slept.
I washed my face.
I ate.
I worked with my beak.
I drank water.
I read the paper.
I was an educated bird.

All at once, my work came to a halt. All the material had turned into a pile of string on the floor. The Master had picked it up, and put the thread on a spool. He said,"Maybe you can use this to make your nest." And if a bird could have smiled, I had the biggest birdy smile!

I was a smart, happy, healing bird. With black eyes. Learning I was no longer an eclectic form.
I was a bird. I was a force. I washed my face. First things first though. I looked in the mirror.
I flapped like mad all over the cage. I flapped in disbelief. I could not believe my eyes.
I then proclaimed, " You're a bird! " This made the Master smile. I know because I could see my reflection in Him. I was no longer an eclectic form.

I was a beautiful, proud, Crow.

Still afraid. Still in awe. Rocked with shock. Whole guilt.

The Master I had turned away from, time and time again, looked me in the eyes.
He opened my cage door. He let me fly. We talked. He cleaned my cage. He loved me.
Brought me food. Anything I wanted. Nothing was held back. Instead of feeding me by hand,
I was allowed to eat freely. He taught me not to fear. The Master had put new paper in the cage for me to read, brought me more water.

He petted my head. Sweet reassurance I had lost. Or, at least, surrendered.

I took a long time. I sat with Him, and only Him. His Beloved needed Him so.

And His Bird, just now got it.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Wrecklessly happy with how it all will come together, I am bounded by fits of want. I felt petty, then I got over it. I prayed. Things resolved. I suppose I'm not all that ready if change isnt happening as quickly as I wanted to. I'm sure a year form now I will say, " What a difference a year makes." I also, already am dreading Winter. Already, I am hoarding warm, er, HOT weather. Shelane and I are (hopefully) going to hike and lay by a swimmin' hole Tuesday. Tuesday, I am having my tires put on. Tuesday, will be an unhinged door into my future also.

I still wanna go to that flea market place Angie. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Chicken Dance

As you may as well know, we will not sit idly by as our homes become ticking time bombs, and becoming fed up with messy children, bearing pressure from our men, or dogs jumping on our heads like a trampoline. No. We will not sit idly by as we feel our heads may try to be our worst enemy, like I said, try. We will not become silly, incompetent women when our men act an ass and just accept it. Reach outside your skin lady men. We do. Even when it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Even when you hang up on us, we still have the upper hand, because we made the decision to act like a lady, and not take your head off like a werewolf. No. No, we did not. There are times we may fail you, but we cant have our shit together all the time, and, ahem, when you (men) do fall short and disappoint us, we do not rub your noses in it like a disgraced dog. (Don't do that to your dog, it's not a training tool.) Moving on, and further more, we GET YOU. We do. Like evil math problems, we sit like evangelical mathematical angels while dealing with our children, dogs, step brothers, family, and all kinds of affairs that would make you cry if you had to deal with it. So instead of having to clean up the shit bomb that you create because you might/are/may be too lazy to deal with, we do it like madmen.

Some of us do this in see through panties and make you even more stupid. (This is our own, admitted fault.)

That's some of us.

Other ladies have other effective means of motivating and planning and providing exceptional escape plans/playtime/dinnertime ideas. The list is extensive.

I do, applaud you men for being caring, (when you can understand) and being strong when we just cant do it any longer. ( We all know the effort may be short lived.) Bye the bye, we do appreciate the 5 minutes you take to try to make it better......

We also do this as Mother Nature destroys our bodies in a methodical, tragic ways. So all I want to know is, what's your deal, dude?

Monday, May 24, 2010


Hard knocks a plenty. Grateful for the experience. Learning how to get ahead. Spend less, get more. Wal-Mart may have something with their marketing. So little happening, but so many changes too. Church was great and invigorating yesterday, even though I did have the personality of a monitor lizard yesterday, and yes, could have bitten with my razor sharp teeth. BUT! I didn't. Congratulations. B and I have a whirlwind weekend, and to be honest with you, I like it when it's like that. Movement is fabulous. But, we are tired. I hope to get started on a few things this week, writing more and more in my journal is absolutely one of them. Trying, is another. I mean, really trying. Focusing on one thing at a time, instead of half arsed trying and throwing in the towel. I hope to get a lot done, and I like those words. Even just saying "hope" makes me feel all right.

Warm weather is here, so I mostly am living in dresses and frolicking in shorts. Oh, by the way, the whole "dressing like a 12 year old boy" look is still with me, and I'm going to be okay with that. I like wearing tube socks and taking off the trash. I like having messy hair and wearing a wife beater. I do. So I don't have to stop. B helps me see and just be the best P I can be, and that is so rewarding. This weekend, insecurity and I were hand in hand. Why? Beats me. But I hate that ho. Insecurity. Ima askin' her to pack her hobo handkerchief and hop on down the road. Please.

So love me with all you have, cause I wont ever stop doing the same for you.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Diane, are you there?

Feel like a woman, wear a dress! Diane Von Furstenburg

So apparently we all need to out on our heels and smooth our little skirts from around our faces back down to our laps. So let's do this, shall we? Summe ris on my heels and of course I am a project planning fool. Also, let's discuss my lack of planning and thinking things all the way through. These 2 things do not mix. I am fire and gasoline. So being the fortune teller I am, this is going to work out swimmingly. My 2 big projects? Would be preparing an old trashcan as a compost pile. Secondly, is to make a rain barrel for my house. Yeah. AND, I'm gonna do these things. And not run around like a woman with her skirt flung above her head. Ah, who am I kidding? The forecast looks surprisingly funny. Fits. Dirt. Anger. Frustration.

All in all, I'm pretty pumped like one of the Jersey Shore Gang.

Love ya,

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Possibly in the English countryside gathering eggs from the chickens. Or at least finishing coffee in the garden. Learning that I LOVE vanilla, and chocolate isn't my favorite flavor at all, it's actually all too common, and not what I am needing or wanting. Remembering complete abandon and starting to relish in it. Being in love with someone who returns respect, love, and all in all completely has eyes for only me. It can't all be bad. Playing dress up to finally find my part. Wearing the wrong shoes until I found the ones that fit. Learning that no matter what the cookie cutter looks like on the surface, the anomalies therein lie. Wanting different doesn't mean I am selfish.

Oh shit.

Life is funny. all this pretending of what we want to be when we grow up is a far cry form reality. I always thought I would be a truck driving, screaming cowgirl. I see though, I'm about half-way there. I actually only have only seen myself as a Mama. I thought I surely would have done that by now. It's agonizing some days because I hardly see myself as what I should be, or what I can be. You see, B has become by dream maker. What is that? HE is someone who supports me emotionally and spiritually. He is my cheerleader. He prays over me and my life. He prays protection over me and my house. Which I love. I become all too focused and poured into right now, even though I know I should pour myself into what is to come. My future. Bryan has asked me if I want to go to school. Part of me does, part of me doesn't. Part of me only wants to be a Mama, then I hear Reba Mclyntre sing "Is there life out there?" Right now, all I can do is allocate myself to think: I wonder if the yard got mowed today? Or, if I were home, I could sit outside with the dogs all day and we could moo at the cows. I would take pictures, but you know, my camera was stolen. It brings me to think, I shouldn't want so much that could be taken away. I really need to see Sue. I really need to see Angie. I really just am lustful to have more out of myself. I can do more. I really can. I can't keep feeling like a trashcan. See, I am more fruitful when I have a helper. I think we all are. B isn't coming up to work on the rental house, and I forgot to ask him to drill some holes in the trashcan for my compost pile. Why do I need a bin for the compost? For one, it's going to stink. For two, Ladybird is going to want to jump in the middle of it all. Soooooo, I need a bin. Oh, and a way to keep her out of it. She's resourceful, and dangerous. Oh, she loves sweet feed. I mean, she is marked like a cow..... She sits in the cow trough like a crazy lady. At least she isn't aggressive toward the cows. So grateful for that, but she doesn't have an aggressive bone in her body either.

I keep praying for B to hear about a job. I know God is my rescue, my love, my one true Savior. SO, I will not give up praying for God to show us where we need to go, and how to start. If it is the right job for B, God's perfect timing will turn on like a light bulb. Oh, I pray.

4:08 PM- (I started the blog around 10 AM but didn't want to finish it - then the NEWS!!!)

After all day long, I got a call. BRYAN GOT THE JOB!!! so guess what? We did the right thing by sitting, waiting, and praying. That, is called faith. AND DON'T YOU DOUBT IT!

I love ya!!! Keep us in our thoughts, because without a doubt, I am thinking of you and yours!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Cats in the cradle

Anyone open to discuss some deadly sins? My top sins? Envy. Anger. Even though I had beautiful teacups of my own, I wanted hers. Even though, things were just fine, I wanted better. When I couldn't take it any more, I said bad words about people I predetermined were bad. Sloth, of course another. Instead of working out and being fit, I layed on the couch and reasoned with myself why it was okay for me to be lazy and eat junk food. Pride, is an even biggie for me. I told myself I would never be in debt, and never get behind, and here and there I have been. I told myself I would kill if I had ever been cheated on, instead, I rolled up in a ball and tried like hell to die..... Pride has been the most dangerous. Then I get all back into the cycle again. I judge people harshly. Even when I know it's going to cost me a world of shit. I feel heavy. My lids. My hands. My heart. All over, I feel bashed. But I do it to myself, and, I do know better.

I cry every time I hear Cats in the cradle, and I don't have children.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Didnt see that coming, did you?

so basically my head is just an overflowing trashcan. Much to Champ's horror, there's nothing he can actually eat. I know, I haven't posted all week, but, there hasn't been any time to. Today is a crazy day for me. I got off my lazy tail last night and dyed my hair so my gray's don't "holla" at anyone else, okay, for at least a month. Today is my nephew's birthday party, he turned 8 on Thursday, so big up's to him! B and I are going to a wedding today, and I am prepared to see A LOT of people I used to know when I was married to Tea bag. SO it may be awkward, so I may be trying not to make it a huge deal. Did I mention Brandon's dad wants me to take pictures for him, and sit next to his mom during the wedding? His mother lost her husband last week to cancer, and I don't mind one bit. I think today is going to be full of choices, possible meltdowns, and ect, ect, ect........ Oh, and my exceptional planning skills are paying off. Okay, not really. I still need to wrap H's birthday present. Oh, and I need to wrap the wedding couple's gift also. Oh, did I mention I have to buy the wrapping paper? Captain Awesome. Did I mention that my allergies are a raging storm in my head, and the only real way to cope is to shower A BUNCH AND BE DRUGGED ON BENADRYL? Whatever.

I do have great news though. B got a call form Pilot and they want him to take some tests, yada, yada, yada, so we are taking this as a positive and looking in the direction of the future. This feels great to us. Oh, and B has been working like a Trojan horse to get the house ready to rent, and that is a huge blessing as well.

There is so much more in the trash can but I cant get settled down enough to tell you!

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


He was unbelievably understanding as we drove by all the houses, and I muttered that I had issues. This man also has the understanding of my issues as beautiful, because they are a part of me. He also remarkably said I was beautiful when my eyes were closed and half swollen from not sleeping. He is a unusually talented super sleuth and crafty marksman. Even though we have little answers I am trying to understand all the winding paths. Again, finding we have to listen. We must get by on what the ravens bring.

I found a huge (live) bug in my shoe when I got to work. I had slipped them on in a hurry this morning. I have no water. I had no shower. Judge me. I have post funeral hair and an urge to let go. I may be reflective and tired. We may have tasted blood due to the strange noise last night. Change is here. Change that I asked for. I think it's all wonderful change though. Tuesday was a fantastic day to a frugal point. B had a interview, and he felt it went well. Being a 30 something with minimal debt and a future partner who has inherited the same is so, well, awesome. It was a taste through the looking glass which gave a sense of poisoning. A quicker beat, a rush. It ended up with feeling that I would compare to as a soft addiction. How many times can I apply Burt's Bees?

I'm not going to be mad at myself for not writing long, drawn out notes during, and after I read a book or magazine for that matter. I am alive in the moment to a point type of gal. Making remarkable peace with waiting. Or being reminded. Maybe even content. Even left untitled, I'm sure it will still leave the same effect.

Insured with a pretty fancy net to catch me!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Over the Moon

In a blink of an eye it can all change. Hope is a great thing. Especially when it comes to visit, and also when hope holds you. It's a type of realationship that is tumultuous but delicious at the same time. I like the feeling you get when you feel hope getting real close to your face, as if it's the first kiss. But one of those over the top, move a piece of hair out of my face and make me focus on the moment type of thing. Pure magic. These are the fractious moments that make you hold your breath. This is the moment I am in. Pull me to the earth and discover logic. Ka-pow. I'm like a snake unraveling my skin. Kinda strange but cool at the same time.

Oh metamorphosis, let's see the production!

I look up to her because she does so well.