Thursday, May 20, 2010


Possibly in the English countryside gathering eggs from the chickens. Or at least finishing coffee in the garden. Learning that I LOVE vanilla, and chocolate isn't my favorite flavor at all, it's actually all too common, and not what I am needing or wanting. Remembering complete abandon and starting to relish in it. Being in love with someone who returns respect, love, and all in all completely has eyes for only me. It can't all be bad. Playing dress up to finally find my part. Wearing the wrong shoes until I found the ones that fit. Learning that no matter what the cookie cutter looks like on the surface, the anomalies therein lie. Wanting different doesn't mean I am selfish.

Oh shit.

Life is funny. all this pretending of what we want to be when we grow up is a far cry form reality. I always thought I would be a truck driving, screaming cowgirl. I see though, I'm about half-way there. I actually only have only seen myself as a Mama. I thought I surely would have done that by now. It's agonizing some days because I hardly see myself as what I should be, or what I can be. You see, B has become by dream maker. What is that? HE is someone who supports me emotionally and spiritually. He is my cheerleader. He prays over me and my life. He prays protection over me and my house. Which I love. I become all too focused and poured into right now, even though I know I should pour myself into what is to come. My future. Bryan has asked me if I want to go to school. Part of me does, part of me doesn't. Part of me only wants to be a Mama, then I hear Reba Mclyntre sing "Is there life out there?" Right now, all I can do is allocate myself to think: I wonder if the yard got mowed today? Or, if I were home, I could sit outside with the dogs all day and we could moo at the cows. I would take pictures, but you know, my camera was stolen. It brings me to think, I shouldn't want so much that could be taken away. I really need to see Sue. I really need to see Angie. I really just am lustful to have more out of myself. I can do more. I really can. I can't keep feeling like a trashcan. See, I am more fruitful when I have a helper. I think we all are. B isn't coming up to work on the rental house, and I forgot to ask him to drill some holes in the trashcan for my compost pile. Why do I need a bin for the compost? For one, it's going to stink. For two, Ladybird is going to want to jump in the middle of it all. Soooooo, I need a bin. Oh, and a way to keep her out of it. She's resourceful, and dangerous. Oh, she loves sweet feed. I mean, she is marked like a cow..... She sits in the cow trough like a crazy lady. At least she isn't aggressive toward the cows. So grateful for that, but she doesn't have an aggressive bone in her body either.

I keep praying for B to hear about a job. I know God is my rescue, my love, my one true Savior. SO, I will not give up praying for God to show us where we need to go, and how to start. If it is the right job for B, God's perfect timing will turn on like a light bulb. Oh, I pray.

4:08 PM- (I started the blog around 10 AM but didn't want to finish it - then the NEWS!!!)

After all day long, I got a call. BRYAN GOT THE JOB!!! so guess what? We did the right thing by sitting, waiting, and praying. That, is called faith. AND DON'T YOU DOUBT IT!

I love ya!!! Keep us in our thoughts, because without a doubt, I am thinking of you and yours!!

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