Friday, July 31, 2009

What's So Important?

Have you ever intentionally not told someone how you really felt about your own life, afraid, of sharing your joy, or fear, or out and out shame? This may be where I am. I try very hard to examine where I am day by day. Sometimes, I am struggling to the point of not being able to breathe, torturing myself over things, I did, or did not do, or say. I am guilty of not letting it all out. Well, I am just as shocked as you. Some folks, take medications to help them, ease their battle, and they need this. To survive. Some go to therapy. Some, cry into their pillows, or listen to death metal, while clutching their cup of coffee.

I put myself into situations, sometimes, to see just how strong I am. Does good win over evil?

Will my heart go on? Is it made of stone? Do you miss me when I'm gone?

If you haven't guessed it, I feel pretty doggone vocal today. I miss all things, right and wrong.

It's difficult right now. I have all these things on my plate. Such as, combatting a farm that is slowly taking me over. I stared at the chainsaw in the little building outside Mama's and Daddy's.

I want to use it. I really do. But, I won't. It would be defying my Daddy. And, using Terry Wise's words, "If I had a daughter like you, I would lock her in the basement."

Point taken. You see, I have a spirit, of always trying much, much, harder. Being so hard on myself, I turn it into thinking other's are judging me. Which, couldn't be further from the truth.

I have too much to do before the fall. I essentially have 2 months, 2 1/2 month's, to really get things done. I am making all these lists. I look back at the summer, and discover, I haven't done half of the things, I wanted to invest myself in.

There are at least 3 notepads in my purse, a journal, almost full, and 1 book. The notes stuffed into my pillow, yes, my pillow, I wake up and write things down, and I don't want the dogs eating my precious notes.

I think, I am an old fashioned type of girl. To the utmost extent, yes, and to the polar opposite, no. My family, is the most important thing to me, and at the forefront of my life. I need them. It's almost, like, Daddy's surgery was a necessary event in order to facilitate my need to be needed.

Here's Paula..... letting you know, where I am.

Usually in left field. Struggling to hold on to every little quilt piece, in my eager hands. Of course, my other focus, is myself. I needed to learn how to do this. What I need, in order to survive.

I am a survivor. Brand me Reba Mclyntyre.

It's Friday, and with the weekend coming, I have tons to do. Vacuum, fold laundry, bathe dogs, trim dog nails..... dye hair, just to intensify my color, wax eyebrows, work out on ball, decide what things I need to bring to Tallapoosa next weekend.... Terry and I are adventuring tomorrow... If it's dry, we weed eat. For at least a little while. Sand cabinet? Good idea? Stain doors, even more excellent.

See Daddy.

Who moves to a rehabilitation place in Farragut possibly today. Yeah, Farragut. Boo.

I am a mess. But disguised as a beautiful Nymph, creating dreams, caressing your eyelashes, whispering nothing but amazing transfiguration of possibilities.

The prescription? The RX? Is doing more, proving, fighting tooth and nail to how close my life is coming together. Crazy not to care. Feed the pig. Smoldering fire. Speak your heart, and your peace. Find your inner circle. Beat necessary drums. Miss the ones you count on who allow your life to be normal.

Am I more than you bargained for? You bet your sweet ass I am.
Voyage alone? Not really....

My sailor, whatever, the means, will come to shore.... (more nautical terms.....LOVE AFFAIR!)

My mind is very open today. Yesterday, I felt very selfish, and didn't want to share anything about my day. Horrible huh? Terry and I did see a beaver yesterday, and it probably made my day. Right before bed check at the workhouse...... We followed my list of "to-do's" of things that did not entail adventure, but it tasted just as sweet.........(i.e. groceries, and the trudgery of wal-mart.)

You never know how much you really believe anything until it's truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. C.S. Lewis

With that, I leave you, but not for long.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I am on a ship. How funny it is I always find an anaologie of myself with nautical terms. I love sailing. I wish I could live on a boat.... but I couldn't. Champ would be a nannerpuss, and dive in.
Tiger, would throw up everywhere, and lets just be honest. Ladybird would be lost without hills to roam on.

I am doing my best. That's as far as I get.

Daddy, is doing, so well. He is very painful. He has a machine that exercises his legs all the time. I am going to stay with Daddy tonight, and let Mama get some rest. Daddy, is a bionic man. Which, of course, in my eyes makes him even more invincible. I do have him on a pedestal. Rightly so, too.

I will get to hang out with Terry for a while later.....


I need help moving a cabinet I want to redo out of the smokehouse. There will be snakes. I am sure of it. I will need someone brave, so be wary before you volunteer.

I am realizing, there are more and more issues, I have not put to bed just yet. Always a work in progress, just like our farm. Just like Daddy.

Bowing out gracefully, is not easy. At least for me. I hate it. I cant stand it. I grab, and claw, my way in, out, and all around. I am not as sweet as pie as I should be.

I long for things. My heart is as big as the Empire State building today. It could bust. It makes me anxious. I, just cant wait anymore. I want satisfaction.

Just like in Reservoir Dogs, "You gonna bite little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"
Well, I wanna bite. So be weary of my cage. I am all too aggressive today.

My emotions, are a beautiful, wild thing. They should be watched, and coveted.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Go Ahead, Punk, Make My Day.

I will start out with Terry, making my day this morning. I needed just a little nudge to be all I can be today. Emotionally, I have been stunted, for maybe a month. Maybe longer.
Stunted, how? I am learning to be a little more brave, I am learning to ask for what I need.
Which, is a lot. I think, that is okay!!! I am very sleepy, and I am nervous I will not sleep tonight. I will probably stay with Mama and Daddy tonight, and have supper with them. Relish a little time before we all get tense, and things blow up like the 4th of July. It happens, in our family. We all so strong-willed, and have to have things our way, every one of us are blinded by our jack-assery.

Aside, from that, I still have anxiety. I am still nervous. I am still. Here!

Something I learned this week that I am suprised I have so much interest in? The Wall street Journal. If you have plans to kidnap me, and keep me for a while, give me The Wall Street Journal, and you wont even have to chain me up. For real. Every article, I have read, really has influenced me, broadened my mind just a little further.

Apparently I need a pin-up name. I see the issue with not having any pictures to go by, as me, all dressed up playing a role of someone I have been/will be. Just a thought.

I suppose, we should wait for pictures, that will show my true identity.

I took the picture of "Fucking Genius" on my mirror last night. Right before the storm. Which helped me sleep like a little lamb, once again. How awesome! I did rest, I did not want to get my bones out of bed, Champ was sleeping on my shoulder, with his tongue hanging out, content, I suppose, wouldn't even outline that boy's position this morning. Tiger, the sheriff, was under the covers, (he's cold-natured, like his Mama) close to the bend of my knees, and asked me to stay there...... We started at 6, fed, started coffee, I layed back down, and damn it, I started laundry too. I figure, if I have to be so active this week, I'm gonna get a jump start on this mother.
It's gonna be funky. Maybe robots will carry me around.... anything could happen. Right?

Listen, I will miss you like mad, all week long. Please call, text, and e-mail me.
Don't forget about your little flower in the desert, who needs you more than ever.

Pray for Daddy today. Pray for the surgeon, and pray he doesn't decide to have some kind of bender that would rival Robert Downy Jr. overnight. Pray for my Mama, that we don't combust like fire and gasoline, because, as I mentioned, forthright, we are too much alike. Needing too much control. Daddy, I am positive, will recover quicker than any doctor could diagnose, he is a brave man, who, I cannot wait to walk our farm with him, and ride on the back of the tractor.....

Till then, my babies.... I flutter said eyelashes to the lot of you.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Peace Offering

I believe, will be offered soon. Why? I don't even know. I am not even really sure why I feel this way, and I as I opened to post a subject line, this is what my brain told my hands and fingers to type. What kind of peace offering? Hopefully it's someone I have uncomfortable juju with.
(Maybe its for me to have peace with myself.....)

Lots to cover today. I will start with yesterday. Pretty day. Not much farm work done, due to the fact we hit a snag. That's okay though, it will get done. I need it done. Small ball of anxiety in my belly today. I really, really feel like something is about to rock my face off. I do. I feel the hot coals under my feet. Which, is awesome. I cant wait to not be able to believe the turn of events.

Isn't that funny?

Many beautiful things transpired yesterday. I have heard this bird, making this racket for weeks!! I couldn't place what it could be, I couldn't even imagine this bird! I was just about to get into the car, and I heard it above my head in the pear tree, I said, out loud, I just wish you would show me what you are!!!! It was 4 crows. Yep. 4. For those of you, who don't know, I rightly believe God has sent me signs through birds in the past. And this event, was not any different.

I was able to see Angie, Steve, and Abby for a while, right after the Crow sighting! :) I was able to hug each one!!! I love them!!! It felt like Home to me. Mama and Daddy got to see them, and it tickled them to pieces. My Mama, of course, wanted to just hold Abby, but she was sleepy, and it made Mama feel good, just to give Abby that cup of milk..... Thank you, Angie, for being so gracious yesterday. (I am on my way across this mountain, that damns us to be separated.) Daddy said that Abby was so precious, and started talking about Rachel and I we were girls, and it made me weepy..... It was fabulous to have your family over, even if it were for just a few minutes.

Terry and I had adventures last night, which, I have to tell the amazing high-heel story. These shoes which I found at the Target out West, did not have my size. They were $8. And, I loved them. This was a couple of weeks back, so, I tried to look for them online. How much? $29! Online. Bullshit. I wont fall for that trap, Mr.Target. Terry and I ran to Knoxville, took a picture of the Paw Paw Holler Church sign,(pic, soon to come.) went right to Target East, found my shoes, in my size, the only pair, as if waiting for me to scoop them up, and for me to parade around in. Yep. Parade around in. They may be the sexiest things I have ever bought. For $8. We had sushi and sake! Let me rephrase, I gorged on sushi, drank my sake, and then finished Terry's. It was beautiful. It was totally satisfying. Wow. What a word. Satisfy. I may elaborate..... shortly. Of course we went to McKay's, and I bought 4 books. Yes, more books, to read, more to add to the stack, on kitchen table. I like it though. (My own Private Idaho.)

I slept like a lamb.... I did dream. And it was a satisfying dream, if there were ever one to exist. This dream was not induced by Jack Daniels, Pinot Noir, Shiraz, or even the Sake I drank last night. Don't look at me like that.All blinky. Blink, blink.
I do, have vice's that are self destructive. And I love them, which is why I cant have them all the time.......Listen, I'll be honest. I like to alter my reality. Which is why I adore dreams, and of course, writing. We can be anything, love anyone, satisfy(there it is again), those weak, fleshy desires, we harbor. My dream consisted of 2 people. I couldn't believe it either who I saw in my dream. It was magic..... This person and I leaned into each other, as if we were drawn together as if we were marionettes, puppet master smiling, it was sweet and innocent....
Our faces were inches away from each other, and looking dead set into each others eyes.
We kissed, very softly. Not a lot of tongue, but maybe not any, it was a dream, pure and simple.
But it was our reality for a fleeting moment. Very HOT!

My morning started at 6 A.M. Work! Athen and I wrangled biting dogs, crazy Somalian cats who are diabetic..... that needed insulin shots. Oh, the calamity. It was a breeze. I smile as I type that.

This is from The Book of Uncommon Prayer.........


David took out the giant.
Give me room to grow.
Isaac was given a second chance.
Give me the room to grow.
Joseph survived the well.
Give me the room to grow.
Samuel heard his name being called in the night.
Give me the room to grow.
Mary accepted the labor.
Give me room to grow.
Jesus endure the cross.
Give me the room to grow.
The world wants us to stay down.
Give me room to grow.
We are sheltered from the things it thinks will harm us.
Give me room to grow.
We want to make our own mistakes.
Give me room to grow.
We want to live with the mistakes we make.
Give me room to grow.
We are held back.
Give me room to grow.
We stand on the beach and look at the horizon.
Give me room to grow.
We stand on the roof and look at the stars.
Give me room to grow.
God will not leave us.
Give me room to grow.
God is not the destination.
Give me room to grow.
God is already with us on the way.
Give me room to grow.
If we listen with our ears and see with our eyes.
Give me room to grow.
And open our minds.
Give me room to grow.
We will hear God.
Give me room to grow.
God will give us the room.
Give me room to grow.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Come As You Are

Don't you love that? Our greatest sacrifice some days, is ultimate surrender. To yourself, family, partner, functions, groups, interests, to our own personal Gods and Saviors. I adore the phrase, because, it doesn't limit what we can do, it is what we will do. We all have these little shells we are in. Cocoons. And I love mine. I like to think of mine as a chocolate shell. Like the ones on ice cream? Delicate, but tough at the same time, and equally delicious.

My Horoscope for today. July 25, 2009.
If that little high-pitched voice in your head says something to you, listen up!
Take a break! No matter what you are doing, you need to keep up the stress levels from rising too high or you risk becoming overwhelmed. Slow down and enjoy the sights!
If you're fixing somebody's plumbing, they're going to be grateful. Ditto if you're reconfiguring their computer. Ditto if you're helping them decide what to wear to a career-altering interview. You have lots of talents, and your ability to solve problems is one of them. the folks in your vicinity are sure lucky to have you!

Wow. what an encouragement. As you know, I don't take full stock in this, but, look at those words, that are lifting me up. I can kind of peek over the edge of the pit I have been in. What a good feeling. And relief. A song, I have heard over, and over, that has been my mantra, is By Third Day. The title is Revelation. So true. It has been my prayer, when I couldn't say anything else. Give me a Revelation.......

I will not be taking a break today, however, I have to work harder than ever. The farm has so much to do on, it. I am overwhelmed. I have help coming today, so I am relieved. Bryan is bringing stuff for me to play with, and hopefully, not break. I test the limits on stuff. Stupid huh?
I guess that's why I have a broken lawnmower, 2 dead weed eaters.... and so on and so forth.

I didn't want this one to be so short, because there is so much to unveil. Maybe later. check this thing like a lifeline..... Smooch!

I am eternally grateful due to the fact, help is here, is on the way, Terry Wise, you help me so much. Tire changing, (last night) Thank You!!! (My Daddy said Thank You too.)
In a normal moment, when I wouldve cried, and wailed, yo uhelp me stay calm. I need all of you, who have been so gracious lately. We all need to meet up and have dinner, I realize, the span of states I speak of here.... TN, NC, GA, TX..... Goodness.

If I can, I will toot my own horn! TOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

The PLN Plan, Revised.

When I get remarried, as odd as it is to type this, I pray, you don't see me as this desperate girl, clawing her way out of her 20's, fearful of being an old maid. I don't see that in myself. Why all the talk of marriage, and dresses, infidelity, and all this mess? Truth be told? I could have a boyfriend. Maybe 2. And I adore men. I absolutely love them. I wouldn't be fulfilled, though, I am having way too much fun on these adventures with Terry, ghost touring with Sue, dreaming of doughnuts with Angie, and focusing on our farm. I have way too much on my agenda to bother inviting someone else into my life of debauchery/overwhelming responsibility to myself. There. There it is. Self-sufficient? Sure. Vulnerable? You betcha. Sue, you asked me what kind of man I need/want. I felt kind of embarrassed, bc, I didn't tell you everything, I didn't elaborate on what I need, and, I'm sorry, I wasn't forthright with you. So I decided to come clean to all of you. Who keep track of me, the ones who paint my life so full, and glorious, and help me exist.

I need a person, an individual, who is spiritual, who can look at a photograph, and not just see the subject. I need a person who loves wine, and adores dogs, and could care less how much dog hair is attached to me. (He's Deaf, Dear. That's why he can't hear you.) I need someone who can appreciate homemade butter cream icing, will hold my hand, out and about, kiss me every chance they get. I need someone, who will let me, be me, without fear of letting go a little bit. I need someone who wants to be outdoors, can admire a sunset, and wait for the sunrise. I desire a person, who wants to serve others, regardless of who it impresses or hurls them into stardom. I am asking for a sense of humor, I like a tall glass of water kind of man, I need someone to shoot guns with, skate with, hike with, camp with, goof off with. I will have someone who admires me, and respects me, rather than appease me so they wont have to go through another one of my pre-madonna fits. I need someone who can strive to be like my Daddy. Or know how to crack open a rock with motor oil, I long for someone with wild abandon, ready for anything, pursue dreams, and not afraid of the unbeaten path. I have to have someone to be able to not touch me when I cry, or let me sit on their lap when I have to let it out, and cannot stand on my own 2 feet any longer. That, is just a rough draft, and I could go on, and on, continue to describe this person, who at this time isn't in my reach. He just isn't. Or, I haven't looked close enough....

You see, everything above listed is a quality of at least one form or characteristic, of different eclectic people in my life presently. I am not let down in the least. I am encouraged more than anything...... I admire you all, for praising me when you know it has been the last thing I could do on my own.

Does this make me any less strong of a girl? No. Not at all. It makes me ten times more powerful, and that much more approachable. If I have a set outline of what I desire, I can ask for it. I realize, I have been blaming God for so much lately. Well, my Wise men, my Madmen, my Babies, I haven't been asking for what I need. It's not the perfect shade of red lipstick. It isn't new shoes.(even though, that would be sweet!) Therefore, I couldn't possibly receive it!

So there you go. This weekend is going to be so thrashingly busy, and, I am going to be on edge, jumpy, like a funny lizard. I am going to be doing several experiments, and as you may suspect out of me, I have a long list.

I am able to hang out with Terry tonight, I'm positive of the shenanigans and utter chaos that will ensue. We have to run. We have to get together about the ins and outs. We may actually sit still for few minutes. Probably not til dark. That's how my boy and I roll. Isn't that cool?

I work all weekend. On the farm and Work, Work. Busy.

Sharpie, as requested, in pocket. I am going to mark some spots that make me happy. I may explode from the anxiety I am having. It may all go away after this week. I really feel though, once I am able to work a little more on the farm, I will feel a huge shower of relief, and comfort.
I can't wait for Tuesday, and for my Daddy to be safe. I want to take care of Mama and Daddy both, and spoil them rotten. It's going to be hard. It's goin gto overwhelm my Mama. Vicky Clause and I are too much alike, and I love it! You know this, right? Daddy will stay in the hospital for 4 days, he will be at UT. I will stay over there as much as I can, so please, don't expect too much out of me at that time. I gotta figure out some stuff at my house too. Daddy has informed me I cannot grill any said doctor's anymore. I told him, that he has taken such good care of me, he should expect the favor returned.

Listen Terry, we may stay at my house, and work. No? Ok, Ok, I will wear you out in another way. Promise. That may be my favorite text I have ever received, By the Way, (BTW), and I quote!!!!

"Paula I just have to say that u wore me out last night!" End quote.
I expect to be hurled into the air like a cheerleader tonight, and I think, we gotta get a plan.

I am not dreaming right now. I think I am so dog tired once I lay down, it just isn't possible.

Champ ate a huge tomato I had on the counter. Tomato seeds everywhere, red, goofy dog face. It made me laugh. Tiger was hiding under the bed, and thought I was going to go haywire...... It happens.

Things I am looking for, a crinoline for a full skirt, it doesn't have to be small, just as long as I can work with it. Several bandannas, kind of looking for the grey ones, apparently hard to come by, I need, more bra padding, the removable kind.... Any kind of hairpieces, for dark hair...

That's the short version. Of my heart's desire.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Movie Titles

What movie(s) and my life parallel at the moment? Simple Bridget Jones' Diary and of course Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Why? BJD, because, I am on the cusp of thirty, drinkin' wine like a fish, struggling with my weight, branded as an eternal old maid. (I only smoke, well, I bought cigs, only smoked one.) As you know, I keep journal after journal. Stuffed to the gills with thoughts, and like I said yesterday, full of Fucking Genius. Fear and Loathing? Even more straight to the point, I do have a little suitcase, it may or may not be stuffed with drugs, (or candy), and I am always on an adventure, with Terry Wise. Looking straight down the barrel of a shotgun. You could find us in the middle of the desert, (or railroad tracks), being Utterly Paranoid. Not from drugs, but from possible Sugar consumption, and out and out adoration for each other. Me likey.

I talked to Ed last night, and hopefully, we have reached a new understanding in our friendship.
If anyone has ulterior motives, it isn't me. I am way too brave, and I have NOTHING to lose, my dear.

I am shocked. I am shocked at the cheating I heard about. If you wanna get technical, Adultery.
Not once, but many, many times. And this woman is pregnant. You all stop lookin' around at each other, pointing fingers. It's someone some of us know, I grew up with the husband, and never really cared for the wife. Yep, there it is. Out on the table. I do not understand cheating. I never have, and I never will. I believe it is a wound that never goes away, and is always in the back of your mind. Sometimes, Angie, you have said it, we think that things have happened for me to share my story, to help others. I hope so. Cheating on your spouse, aside from the fact horrible, it is despicable. We all, are/have weakness. But this, is where we should know where to draw the line in the sand. I thought about this this morning, cleaning..... I still hurt from what happened to me. I do. You all see it.

The day Sue and the kids came into town, the first time, and we all met for the first time? Again? Sue and I went to her mother in laws house, and it was like she just knew. Apparently, I wear it on my face. Which is fine. She called me out on the porch, it was cold, we were talking. We hadn't seen each other in over 10 years, and she knew. She said, something to the extent of how hard it is. How hurt I am. How difficult my place in life is, due to a cheating spouse.

X,Y, mother fucking Z, bitches.

I took yesterday off, and I know, it surprised me too. I have a raging allegiance to my job, and the doctor's I work for. It's how I am geared. It is my proxy. It is the only way to operate.
I didn't feel a morsel of guilt yesterday. I sat in the yard, drank coffee, and enjoyed my "morning." I really didn't do a thing until 5:30, when Terry and I went on another adventure.

Friday, we go again. We have to run first. Then, we can explore sinkholes, and cemeteries, and stick our feet in water, skateboard, probably eat something, and just have a good time goofin off.
Thank God! I haven't given up!!! I wouldn't have this time with with any of you.

It was good for me to let go yesterday.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Pitbulls and Goats

The difference? Not many. Both animals. Both come in a variety of colors. Both live very close to my house. In the same pen. You read correctly. In the same pen. Living comfortably. Happily.
Oblivious, or so it seems. I long for that type of ignorance. Instead, I am living my life full of fear to the point, it has damaged friendships, possible realationships. It really, is astounding.

Now really, my friends, I have to take that thing, you know, accountability into my little arms once again. I have no idea why I admire her so much. I suppose it has to do with my belief in God, and Jesus Christ as my Savior. He expects nothing but accountability, and all we have to do, is ask for forgiveness. What a blessing!!! What a Gracious Savior we can serve.

I have not been an example lately, even with, my friend's helping hands, words, and thoughts.
I needed you, and you were there. Thank you. Without question, hesitation, or abandon. It has been amazing for me to realize, in my journey of self-worth and discovery of who I really am.
I continue to write, even when I don't feel like it. Some of you tell me, you look for my posts daily, and are disappointed, when I haven't had time, or just the motivation.

Recently, I received something that I am not supposed to talk about. I will!!! I can't help it!!! This letter, as I read, over, and over, delights my little soul. I am in awe of the person who had taken the time to write said letter, and if I may, I am going to quote.

"I am surprised birds and tree rats don't do your housework."

Well, as a matter of fact, I am too.

I see my life all too often as a fairytale. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel.
It is a shame I do not have a fairy Godmother to fix my problems. And some days, I gladly play the part of Cinderella. We ultimately have so much in common. I could ride in a pumpkin, you know, like the one in the World Record Books?

I don't believe it's silly of me to think that way, because between the past few weeks, you all, have encouraged me, and loved me, no matter what. When things haven't been great. Called me out when I have been pretending.

Another quote? "You glitter."

I see it too. It resonates in photos. When I look in the mirror. When I get to adventure.

Luke 5:3-7

The passage of Simon, who had been fishing all night, with other men, had caught nothing, but Jesus told Simon to put his nets down, and bought up many fish.
"Put out into the deep water and let your nets for a catch."
Jesus' request for Simon to move into "deeper waters" is a challenge. Peter's obedience in letting down the nets even though he was tired and didn't think it would be a fruitful endeavor has been a source of encouragement. The deeper water highlighted Peter's obedience in the midst of fatigue.

Ain't that the truth. This is where I need to renew my faith. Rely on the promise, and put my nets into "deeper waters."

You have heard me say, I am full of fear this week. I have been. for a while. I try to push it down. Most of the time, I am fearless. Walking barefoot in the tallest grass, weed eating in bikini tops, hiking by myself, taking walks in the dark, when anything could happen. I believe, wholeheartedly in taking risks. Bold, Grand, Risks. I am always enticed by what "Could possibly happen."

It's a beautiful thing. I want to be out there, in the deep water, hanging on, even if it is a little lifesaver float. Most of the time though, I am out on a sailboat, relaxing, listening to the waves.
It isn't hard to be open, it is hard to be hurt by other's, and by my own hand at times.
(Self-infliction, is a hateful, nelly thing.)

But I have to. Read those 4 words, once again! BUT I HAVE TO!!!

New avenues, are in abundance, I rarely grow tired to find the correct street. I need my hand to be held some days, weeks, minutes. Actually, there are days you find me crawling, because I back peddle and claim I have forgotten how to walk.

Big Girls do cry. It's okay to not be okay.

I have to mix in with the pitbulls and goats, and live in peace, right along with them.
And, I am a fucking Genius. This is written on my bathroom mirror.

Ghost tour, I know, I have not spoken about, but I will. I will!!!
I need to feel a little more light hearted to describe the absolute fun time
I was able to share with Sue. I will also go over some purchases I made, and the Parisian Woman I met yesterday. Remind me to tell you all about the "man tub."

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I am having real live encounters with True Life today. It makes me very nauseous. And very much on edge. I had a dream about Thomas this morning, and it was very real. It was a point where he first left. But, he didn't have his "other" life in order, so he couldn't flee. You know, we have to give Thomas some credit. For being a planner. For being so meticulous on his plan and how he left. My dream? Was surreal. I was in his new car, which, I never had the honor to fuck up. We had to go places together, and it was scary. I am actually shaking right now. Due to coffee? Who knows? I'm not too sure, nor am I convinced. Is it bc I am typing about "my torment?" Again, not sure.

There is so much going on. With me. And you. I don't know if its bc how much I could tell Sue missed her family this weekend. Its ok, its the truth. OR how Ben misses Margo. Or, how Angie is so homesick for Tennessee.

I relate. But, you know that feeling of missing someone? Imagine, that by 100%, now multiply that by 1,000%, now divide by 1 million. It does not touch the emotions, the down right agony, that spilled from me. It doesn't touch it.

I see, dear, you probably get tired of hearing me cry ass, and complain. But, this is my blog. It's a safe place, and this is how I feel. I think, I am sick bc I am somewhat homesick myself.

I can relate to Angie when she cries on the phone with me. I can. But, again, math reference, add 2 more million to it.

I feel like Moses when he sent the dove to look for dry land. I just wish the dove would show up.

Our internal battle is not one we are able to win on our own power. Nehemiah 6:9

One thing I have learned. Is. That if you don't listen to God and obey in the early stages, the longer you wait, the less discernment you have.

We have all this control we take for granted. What we put in our heads, bodies. How we feed our own fears. We have control over machines like cars, tractors, and ultimately over other people.
What a scary thought. We have control over so many things, but I have pointed my little finger at everything, and everyone, but myself. Where's your accountability, little girl? I expect it out of everyone else, but, I forgot about myself? We want more, and who can blame us?

I need to try very hard the next few weeks. Daddy has his surgery next Tuesday, and I am scared to death. No one is to make one comment about this part. I love my Daddy, so much.
He is the one man, I have always been able to count on, lean on, ask to do things for me, and he will do it. Take time off of work, jut to make my life a little more comfortable. It terrifies me, he is having to have this done. I am beyond freaked out. I am beyond all settling down. I, am not able to focus right now. He will be just fine. I give thanks to a God who works everything out. I reach out to a God who has control over someone I ADORE.

I am melancholy today. I feel just fine with it too.

Monday, July 20, 2009

What's your flavor?


Is close.

I promise a long winded, crazy description of the Nannerpuss Weekend, 09.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Winds of Change

They are a blowin'. My mouth is hanging open today. So much happening. So many beautiful ideas being thrown together. It's going to be a beautiful production, and a magnificent show behind the scenes. Guess what? I belong. I belong to you, and to you, and to you. I was able to talk to Angie yesterday, and it was awesome. I didn't tell you that part, like I should have, I hold back when I should just let go. I pretty much feel like, I have had a Mountain Dew slushie thing from Weigel's, and jacks me way up, on extra strong coffee.
I am proud. Proud, proud, proud, of the things I am witnessing.
For my friends. DO you feel it? The change? It's a bare little wind, but she blows.

I feel like Dorothy, when the movie changes to color. I am seeing all the colors! Of you. I love it.
I am beyond honored to be where I am right now. My influences? Are "Everyday" people.
Well, not so "everyday." My friends. My family. I am playing catch up. Looking at them with a new lens. Inspecting them with larger eyes. I want to take them all in. The ideas. The passion. The new Beginning. I can't believe we all are on the same path together.

Speaking of Dorothy, Terry and I went to Cardin's last night, and had the longest 2 hour meal there. That's ok. We laughed and told secrets that only we understand. Coming home, we took a road out to Mascot, the bridge? Looks like something on the same level as The Emerald City.
I don't know the name of the road, but I know it takes you to the cattle auction. The bridge?
Is spectacular. We shot some funny pics along the road. We took a private adventure.
I like that about my friends. Willing to go along, and I am willing to tag along when the suggestion is to take the road less traveled. Pics, soon to come. They include, but not limited to, pics of rock that looks like a turtle, or dinosaur, and painted. An odd destination that looks like something out of the movie "It," or a Jason movie. I swear, I expected a nasty little clown to show up at any time. Very campy. Very Terry and Paula. I layed on railroad tracks.
We savored a "Stand by Me" moment. Good times. Perfect times.
And it only took an hour, and a little gas.

Reminds me of the last time I visited Sue, Josh, and the kids. Sue took Ash and I to a creek, and we wore our galoshes, collected rocks, discussed how wonderful it was to be able to have this tiny moment in time with her and one of their precious boys. By the way, I think it would be a prime spot, for any kind of shoot, whoever the client. It would be super fun to have a person out of the expected to shoot there. Ooh. Yeah.

Anyhooter, I am going to North Carolina to see Angie. ASAP. We need to drink iced coffee, and tease the Dunkin' Doughnuts guy. Whatta ya mean, you're out of large cups? It's the only way to drink coffee..... It is my addiction. It could be worse. And it has. Of course, I really need their child on the way, to start recognizing Paw Paw's voice. I can't wait. Read this, APW, I can't wait. To hold, him or her, to be a part of the next chapter in your family's life. I can't wait.
P.S. I love how Tom and I are alike.
It proves, not only are we family biologically, it proves how
" A bird of a feather, flocks together."
(Betty, I heard you know somethin' about pitchin' tents.)

Look. I am on a Flights of Fancy trip today. I am going to spend time with Sue, meet Josh's brother and his beautiful wife. I have been invited to become a little closer to the scope of things. How exciting is that? Aside from the fact we are going to do something super fun, it will be a little break. I am, heart broken, that Josh will not be with us, encouraging us to be a little more Nannerpuss, that he draws out of us.

Another proud moment? Is connecting with you, Ben. How important it is for us to be reconnected in this crazy turn of events. Important. Very. I love God's hand. I am proud of our friendship. Unexpected harbor in the storm.

Local celebrities in my mind. Very famous, and carefully crafted by God, Himself.

I have to tell you, about a very good friend, a person, who has no idea, how much they touch my life. His name? Is James Thomas. He is a client at work, and encourages me every time I see him.
This past week, he had to put his oldest dog to sleep. Heartwrenching, right? Yes, very.
Mr. Thomas,has had a very difficult, life, and is open to discuss it. With me. Or so it seems. Gracie, his wonderful pet, was 13 years old. Tibetan Terrier. Gorgeous dogs. Great breed to commit yourself to. Not for the everyday dog owner, but perfect for him and his wife. Excuse me, "Bride." That is what he calls his wife, and it gives me butterflies, whenever he says it.
It's almost a private joke. You see, I have this bond, with this perfect stranger. This gentleman, is not an "old" man, at all, but likes to joke and call himself so. The story of meeting his "Bride," comes up quite often. They met on a blind date, and got engaged 3 weeks later.
The smile, on this man's face, is enough to brighten your day, outlook, no matter what.
I swear, he tells me, because he wants me to not give up hope. Because I deserve it.
And not to let your circumstances define you. In the unbelievable light of Mr. Thomas and his Bride, they have met unforeseeable circumstances themselves. Moved back and forth across the country, all of their married lives, traveling for work, squeezing the time in to see each other, and to honor their marriage. Their son, met tragedy. Committing suicide. Mr. Thomas, himself, admitting to me, that he suffers from being bi-polar. Has confessed to spending time in a mental health hospital. Why does he tell me such things? I haven't a clue. But I draw from his words, and I feel relief when I see him.

Are you feeling the breeze just yet?

Friday, July 17, 2009


Coincidence, this woman who attempts, to cross all of our path's. She came to call last night.
Or tried, at least. It all started with watching "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." This is one of my favorite movies. Ever. My sister and I would watch this on tape in our room, and laugh ourselves to pieces. I don't know why we were allowed to watch this movie as girls, maybe because it was kind of a musical, and we were so into it, we didn't realize exactly what the movie was about. Who knows? It spurn my love affair for Burt Reynolds even more, who, I don't care, is a good lookin' man. Dark eyes, dark hair, that wonderful moustache. Yeah, I'm a sucker for a hot, good-lookin' moustache. I love The Reynolds. And, I'm going to stop right there, because I could write all day and all night about why and how and if our world's did collide, it would shatter your ever lovin' face. And I love your face, so I don't want to do that. Dolly Parton, is incredible in said movie, I stuffed my shirt with as many tube socks as I could find. Rachel and I would artfully apply the red lipstick we thought went all over our faces. She was the epitome of all Southern Women everywhere. I pledge allegiance to Ms. Dolly. (Oprah, maybe hailed as one of the "most successful business women," but let's give it up, for the real deal.)

Anyway, I had sent a text to Rachel, but had put in the wrong number. So the wrong number person told me so, I apologized, because, the text said, "Whorehouse!!! On CMT!!!! Turn it!!!"
This person wanted to chat, so I did. Listen, I see where you are starting to shake your head, and yes, it's probably another one of my hair brained schemes. Trust me. I am a professional shit starter for myself. I told this person we would have to talk some other time, I needed to go to bed, and I had already gotten off the phone with The Nason's, and my phone was dead. So who knows? Josh Nason, this said individual is a Yankee's fan. Just sayin'. And anything could happen. What if, and, I don't believe in Her, Coincidence.... is just a Coincidence?
Off my soap box!

My belly still feels bad today. It must be my penance for eating like hell yesterday.
Paying in full, bitches.

"I'm a volcano, just about to erupt." Paula Northern

I am taking you all back in time. 6 months ago? I started talking to this person, I thought was a hot dude, artistic, kind of weird, but all at the same time fascinating. Wonderful. He is divorced. We had quite a bit in common. This, is where it gets tricky. This person wasn't at all what I had painted them to be. Not even a brushstroke of what I thought they were made of. Turns out that they were even more cardboard than I knew. Sometimes, the people we are so enthralled with, are the wrong thing for us. We disappoint ourselves, when we, perceive our own "false idols," witnessed first hand. You see, just now, am I truly learning a lesson this individual taught me 6 months ago. Thick headed? You have no idea. I had painted this person, who in essence, I was sure, understood me. But, no. Creative and insightful. Divorced and misunderstood. Common ground isn't always the best place to start. The dig turns more into, "I told you so." In the end.
When I felt so "understood," turns out, I had let my guard down. I'm not saying I should always be on the defense, but I need to learn the balance of my own "Good Intentions." I had let my guard down, to myself, not the person, as I first thought. I, had made myself vulnerable. Not the other way around. I felt accepted, and at that present time, it was too dangerous of a mine field to invite another wounded soldier.

The true question? Where does my heart beat now? In my chest. Very strong. Extremely loud. An absolute force to be reckoned with. Full and patient.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Search and Rescue

I start slow today. Why? Because, I want to remember how I feel right now. Full of Hope. Special. Your Love sets me free. You are my rescue. When I feel like I'm dyin', I want you to notice. Like a magic fish who grants wishes. Demanding your attention.

"At first she's gonna come on strong, like she'll love you all night long." George Straight

Skirting some issues. Presently, I am focused on one book. It is Galapagos. By Vonnegut.

Vonnegut, is easy to read. Of course, only I, can make it difficult. Which makes me an Absolute Personality "A." Mr. Wise, Thank you for this read. It is has enlightened me. In a time, I feel like a girl in the well. The way, the brain is described.... how he transforms a complex thing, and turns into simple matter, has left me inspired.

Page 6
My answer :
There was no other source. This was a very innocent planet, except for those big brains.

This book, and other turns of the page starting Sunday, has spawned a new awakening for me.
Willingness. Self-Control. It takes a lot of guts. To wake up. To say what is hard to say.
To look down a road, that is new. Here I am, kids. Flesh and Bone.
What's the Angle?
I won't jump through fiery hoops, and stand on my head. And wonder. If I ever captivate you.
Instead of the "A" side of the tape, I prefer the "B" side. Smooth, like the inside of a seashell.
My audience? Is a rowdy crowd. Watching to see when, I will put my head inside of the next
ferocious Lion, wanting and waiting to be Tamed.

Last week, another thing, Mr. Wise, you told me we were family. It made me grin. I was standing underneath the Chinese Maple in the front yard. You always make me think of us as Rob and Big, in the opening credits, when Rob is on Big Black's back. How that's you and me.
It is! What a comfort!!! I gotta tell ya, I'm a sucker for a Condor. (Admire the Wingspan!)

Even last Saturday, you had figured out a way to pick me up and hug me,
(and not tickle me), you threw me in the air. Like a piece of popcorn.
I am blessed to be 29, and act silly. And skate.
(Sunday, was a sham, I felt so bad, I just wanted to lay on the truck bed.)
I applaud your understanding.

I read my horoscope daily. It's one of those things that is a part of my make-up. It told me to eat what I want today. So I have permission. I'm not going on a bender, but, I am not eating salad today. Lunch, is hot on my heels, and I love the chase! I started reading my horoscope a very long time ago. I may have started around age 10. My sister and I stayed with my Great-Grandmother through the summer, and she always kept those mags like "Sun" or "National Enquirer." They have bangin' horoscopes. It began my affair, I would imagine. My Great-grandmother started alot of things for me. She was an avid reader, mostly smut books, but she had some that were not filthy. in the morning, she would eat a raisin or 2 soaked in whiskey. She said it helped her with her cough. That woman smoke menthol's when her sinuses were acting up. Ha.

When it comes to music, do you prefer, the actual arrangement? Of chords, and melody? Or do you pay attention to the words? Is it the music or lyrics? For me, it's painfully obvious, I choose lyrics. I saw the preview for Julie/Julia. It may be what is to come. It looks like a great movie.
I may not want to fall asleep during said film. We all know how I feel about "Star Trek." That movie, shaped me for weeks. Gorgeous score. Gorgeous.

Listen, I'm looking for heels. Yes, as in shoes. I'm gonna try to wear them. I mean, wear them out, wear them. Use them as a new template, just for a little while. Close your mouth. Wipe that look off your face. I told you! Leading Lady! The Lady, will have to wear heels!

I don't know how much you know, or care to know about The Twilight Zone? I had gotten hooked a few weeks ago. The older ones? The episode I am about to tell you about was
made in 1964. The title of this episode was called "Spur of the moment. "
Bear with me. It made perfect sense. It had a beautiful story line of a young girl, riding on her family ranch, she was young. Beautiful. On a White Horse. It was the day before her Wedding Day. Then, she looked up. She saw a woman, who looked just like her, but older, and dressed in black. She was riding a Black Horse. The older woman, on the Black Horse, started to chase the young girl on the White Horse. The young girl was terrified.
It looked like her. But older. Angry. Dressed in black.

She rode her White Horse back to the ranch right before the woman on the Black horse caught her. In the story, the young girl, had to choose, the night before her nuptials. Between 2 men. The one that was meant for her. Or the one who wasn't. She picked the wrong man.This is illustrated in the story with the woman in black. The older version. you see, she was engaged to the one she should have picked, but ended up running off with the one who wasn't her fiancee. The wrong choice landed her a marriage that wasn't fulfilling. They didn't bear any children. The beloved ranch of her Father's? Was ran into the ground because she made the wrong choice. She believed she made the right choice by going with her heart. And sometimes, the ticker, will lie.

What a deceiving organ.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Annie, are you O.K.?

I told Mama, and Angie, both this very statement. "He looks good on paper, but that's it."
Angie concurred. Mama, still fighting me like a hornet, stinging me every chance she gets.
I still love her like mad, and will follow her to the bowels of hell. (Glory, Glory, Hallelujah.)

This one, will be short. Some of you hem and haw if it is short, but, I didn't sleep well last night, and I don't feel good. So therefore, I don't feel so creative. That's ok. I promise to go back to the doctor if I don't feel any better next week. We all do not rest enough. That's usually my issue.

The last trip though the gorge, and through the mountains, and the last time I wrangled Angie and Abby, I made a note in my phone...
About how the mountains remind me of women.
Curvy. Distracting. Unpredictable.

I write notes in my phone, and try my best to decipher exactly what was on my mind, later on.
I need to invest in a voice recorder thing.
Of course, I haven't.

"Open your eyes wide." Mark Twain

Advice, I am following very closely. Keeping tabs on anything, and everything in my vision. I want to take it all in. To admire, to understand, to study, to comprehend, what may be in my reach. And not so far, as I imagine it to be. This girl, is a fighter. Sure, I lose. The days I win, are absolutely outnumbering the losses. I take heart today. I miss things today. I feel ornery today.

Thank you again, for being here and taking the time to read.

My anchor in the storm.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Show and Tell

Just a game I play when I want to say, I love you......

Al Wilson's song is a superb example of how I live. How I desire to live. How I want you to see me. We need to love and edify each other. I worry, about chasing people off with my conviction. Could it mean they are weak? Can't face the world? Thank you for appeasing me. I don't believe you take me lightly. Which astounds me. I thank my lucky stars. It makes me feel full. Satisfied.
When I am often on the teeter totter, of horrible behavior on my part. I know, I am half-assing this sometimes. My blog. My writing. My secret, is partly out. Some of you know it. But are unaware, that I brand this as my secret.

I wish, I lived in the corner house for sale by your home. The heart shaped locks, are so perfect. They long to be loved. The carport, is screaming, "Come clean me!" The horseshoe above the window, of course, is for luck, and I think the idea originated in Ireland, or England. To hang said horse shoe over your door. Which makes me think, that would be the main door you go in and out of. Who knows? I could look it up. We could make bread together, and drive the neighbors batty. Tiger, in his Sheriff's badge, and chaps, would poop in the crazy lady's yard.
Let's face it, I have more dogs, and therefore, have more poop to give. Bitchez.

Unexpected. Unwarranted. Taken by surprise. I am looking for these things. Going to rummage the Goodwill, here in a few. Maybe, I could find a Survival Kit. Or later tonight, I will just make my own.

Very, very soon, I, am going to behave like the Leading Lady. You read correctly. In full Glamour, out and out blatant Woman. I will say things like "Lovely to meet you." Of course, throw in things like "Bless your heart." I will kiss you on your cheek.....
Signature Angie Puckett White. I said it. I love you, Lady.

My mind, is clearing. Slowly.
Clearing out all the cobwebs, of doubt, fear, insecurity.
I really want to Risk the Love.

Those last words? May be the most important thing, I could confess.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Monday Apparitions

Our ordeal are the same. On the pirate sip. The good ship lolly pop. The ship of fools. On the pleasure cruise. We weather it all differently. We shouldn't apologize for our situations, our "ships." The boats we are on, passing each other......

In our oceans. In our seas. In our lakes, rivers, and streams. Sometimes, we drown in our creeks.
Whatever amount of water we tread, Command, or dog-paddle in, it can be done.
I get swimming cramps, and I have to lay on the shore.

Our goals? Can be slow to pass.

I put the horse before the cart. I play a game of hidey-hole. I mean, I mask it all.
I had supper with Mama and Daddy. Mama made chicken and dumplins.
I was able to pour my parent's a glass of milk tonight.
It was my favorite part of my day. My favorite part.
Daddy talked to me about having his knees replaced. I'm proud, Boo. Proud.
My Daddy is taking care of himself. Listen, it's about to get intense. I am seeing my Daddy as something fragile. It made me aware. Of his age. Mama made jam, and sent a few jars home with me. Daddy, had picked a bunch of squash for me. He had checked my oil, and told me what to do.

Daddy and I sat in the driveway and had ice cream.

Here I am. thinking about Charles Spurgeon. A Pastor from England. Mid 1800ish? He had smoked a pipe, for many years. He had walked past a tobacco shop, and a sign was advertising the tobacco the man smoked. The sign said, "The brand Spurgeon smokes."
He quit. Right then. Right there. Never again to smoke.

Never again to smoke!

Big Top

You guessed it's Circus Time with me.
Rooty-tooty, sock it to me, trapeze -flying acrobat, Paula.

Yesterday, I realize, was a huge amount of information, emotion, and in your face. If you were man enough to take your medicine, congratulations. We are not out of the woods just yet though. I am on raging pit bull hormones. I am still taking those God-awful steroids. I am, one hair-pin trigger pull from striking a match, and burning it down............. BUT!!!! I am not there yet. (This is the part, I, congratulate myself.) I am making it through. I have many projects hurling through space and time. My gravity? Is, just apparently, perfect.

Thank you, for spending time with me. Thank you, for reading my erratic, wild, oddly captivating, thought-provoking, time-enveloping Specific Ramblings.

I couldn't make it without you.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

How can I stop now?

Am I giving up? Am I entirely wore out of the fact that the Bible laughed in my face this morning at Church? Is it horrible that I forced myself out of bed, even though thoroughly content to stay with the boys all afternoon? Is it awful, all I can think of is having coffee, but I cant reach my cup? I did go. I did get up. I fixed my hair, I applied my lotion, I got all purtyed up. I sat with Mama and Daddy. I parked across the road. I sat with my knees crossed. I felt as if Pastor were talking directly to me. (CONVICTION) I know. I NEED to be an example. I BELIEVE I am. I KNOW, in some small ways, I am helping others. I feel it so deeply in my heart, I feel like a raging Joan of Arc. Do you know my fear? My fear, so loud, so blatant, so RIGHTEOUS. It holds me to a point, I decide to berate myself for not trying harder. For not being strong enough. If I'm not fucking strong enough, why do I have to do it? Why, do I have this EATING DRIVE in me?

It swallows me whole. It stares me down. Hunts me in the woods. I fall for the bait every time. I long for it. I long for the feeling. I have, such passion for doing the right thing. Understand? Dig?
Do you know? Do you know the times, I say the RIGHT thing, because, I know, it will help?

I'm not a Savior. I'm not the Anti-Christ. But I am here. Right here. STRUGGLING. With you. Mad, so mad at God, that when Pastor said, "you have to forgive the person, you are mad at, so you can move forward." True.

Have I not done the things asked of me? Have I not forgiven Thomas? Have I not leapt leaps and fucking bounds of forgiving him? Letting him go. Closing those doors. Have I NOT, obeyed?

Have I not done the right thing? That's what You, God, delivered through Pastor Bob at Piedmont Baptist Church this morning? Did I not sit there, and hear the words, straight from The Holy Spirit, who lives in me, who lives in everyone....
Correct me, did you not say, "Isn't it better to be at peace, than to be RIGHT?"

Do I not live this for you?

Not being an excellent human being, God, but have I not done things, very difficult, THINGS, TASKS, ORDEALS!!!! Have I not done these things?

I pray for daily bread.
Because You tell me to.
And, You give it so graciously.

Why do I feel so much disappointment? Why do I feel abandoned? Why, Lord, do you want me to have all these fruits of the spirit? If, I feel, sometimes, I yield nothing.

See the Joan of Arc attitude? That makes me laugh out loud. The fact, I am wearing this Martyr attitude, bestowed on myself. It's fucking ridiculous.

Am I not eating again? Have I not taken car of my health like you asked? Do you remember, how much physical pain, the absolute depths of my soul were shattered, when things had to change? Remember the fucking accountability I am/have/will TAKE!!!!! to do what I have to do.
To serve you. To fulfill purpose.

To not feel so HORRIBLE FOR BEING A SINGLE WOMAN. Why are those words so ugly? Why, am I so scorned for being a DIVORCED WOMAN? When I did nothing, but do, what I committed to doing? Why, do I bear this Scarlett letter?

Would I rather be a sake in the grass, deceitful person who has everything to trade for a shred of something I desire? That I am told to pray for? That in 1 Corinthians, your precious word, tell us all, as Christians, it is better to fulfill the person, if they want a partner, they should desire, a said realationship, that they should BE GRANTED, this want, THAN TO BURN?

Than to burn?
Am I not on fire? Daily. For you? For my Life. For what I have to do? Where is this direction? And if I am so inspiring, a muse, of some kind, why do I feel as if I am failing everyone?

Here is why. I know I can do better, I know, my goals, are going to be accomplished. I know, in my heart of hearts, my sweet, dear, friends, I am apparently way more. Way more than a small, farmer's daughter. I know.

Shouldn't I be as proud as a peacock?

Shelane and I saw this couple at Target. This woman, was average. Her ring, was huge.
I asked Shelane, (Mr. Wise, I told Ms. Skinny Bitch Shelane, you had complimented her name.) (She said, Thank you, like The New Southern Belle.) The man, was nothing to gawk at. Which is fine. but they didn't match. It was odd. It was like Shelane knew what I was thinking.
At first, I noticed her outfit. She had a gorgeous blue skirt on. Then, like a bolt of lightening, I asked SB Shelane, "What we were doing wrong?" She said, "Nothing at all." "We both, just need more." Sound superficial? Judgemental? Fuck off. Stop reading my blog. This is it.

Not Sex in the City whats her face, writing about being single. I write about being RELATABLE.
I can, in ways relate to everyone. I often, like Mr.Rodgers in the neighborhood, put on my cardigan sweater. I go to the Land of Make Believe, and I am happy there.

I believe, I just found the rub, here. I have to do things in order. I had to go to church today, and have these snippets of me.

I forgot to tell you the meltdown moment. My family, my sister's family, and another family from church were going to lunch. Like every Sunday, we eat together. I had texted Sue, and wrote,
"I end up hating Sunday lunch sometimes, because it reminds me how alone I am."

Then, I start crying. Wait. Sobbing. Uncontrollably. I go to Mama, and say, I have to go. I cant eat. I'm not hungry. I need to go. Sobbing. My sunglasses wet with tears, Rachel tries to ask whats wrong, and all I could hear were my tears. Full, and angry. I ran to the car, sprinting like a racehorse. Knowing, all I could bear was to cry. I drove. I wanted to smoke. I called Sue.

I told her. Everything. And she identified with every word. And, apparently, so do you.
Because, you wouldn't read, or follow, or ask. Or call, or email, or apologize. I see how fragile we all are.

I'm just going to try the rest of the day.

And go to the flea market. I have a suitcase to buy.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Farmer's Daughter

That is who I was born as.
My mother, at my present age, 29. Has had a child, and had been married, 3 years.
My Mama and Daddy were told not to have any more children after my sister.
My Mama has always had horrible blood pressure, and it was a risk to be pregnant.
But they wanted me. They wanted another child, boy or girl.

Good thing. I came out, almost killing my Mama. But she wanted me.
My Daddy? Still calls me baby.

They broke the mold when I was hurled into this world.
My Mama will tell me the story of when I was born,
as if it were, The Story of Christ, every October.

She remembers the temperature.
She remembers the time.
She tells about the dress she had on.

She remembers the words she told my Daddy before they took her for me to be born C-section.
"I want her."

I fall apart, when she just about has to whisper those words....

And so, I began.....

Friday, July 10, 2009


I need to learn to separate my circumstances from my identity.
I need to learn to separate my circumstances from my identity.
Man, that's heavy. Accountable. I like that.

Living is easy with eyes closed,
misunderstanding everything you see....
John Lennon

Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

My dream? Is to be a little more independent. I want more. I need more. I know I say these things quite a bit, but it's exactly how I feel. When I write, I write the words that form in my head. I usually don't edit too much. It is, what it is.

I need to be able to do more on my own.

Even if it means.

(I stopped right there, in my journal.)

More hesitation. Even if it means I have to lose everything all over again. Even if it means more surrender. Do you understand? Even if it means more surrender! Have I reached a plane of understanding? Have the muscles in my mind expanded from a heavy workout? The tore muscles, along with the soreness, means, I have grown stronger.

I will never, ever, ever, lose my identity again. It will change, evolve, emancipate itself once again, but will not bend by the force of another being.

I am in control. That's a great thing. When I don't care about myself, or my body, or mind, I become, LESS. I shake my head, and shiver when I typed that word out. Less.
The evaluation of being less, is so discouraging, it makes me dig harder. My heart beats faster.
It's as if I am meeting my focus, my drive, my boundaries, for the first time again.

In the same breath, it's absolutely, rejuvenating.

I do, need to be pulled out of the bathtub, and told to go to bed. I need direction, even whispered suggestion, pushes me, like a paper boat in the water. A little wind, creates movement.

I don't know how much you all read, but, as you know, I read constantly. I love Vonnegut.
His scope of talent, is one to honor. One, to bend to, if you find a book of his, the last on the shelf. Take it.
His books, leave me in such an arrangement. I could sit in the glow of his words, and burn.

I am in love with my life. With it's potential. With the sparkle.
How I could meet you at the crossroads, at a drop of a hat.

We all envy each other's lives in small ways. Sometimes, the big ways. We compare what one has over the other. I don't care for the most part. I have a car. I sleep in a bed. I am allowed to have my dogs. I eat daily. Hell, I obsess what I eat daily. We all want to change things, situations, in our lives, but, we know it's not in our realm of control. So we wait. Or we die. Or we move on.

Or collaborate with other artists, our friends, our mentors, our sensai's, our partners, and encourage each other.

We admire other's mannerisms, creativity, promise, vision, possessions. I want to lift you up, and I do expect the same amount of push from you too. It makes me so happy, when I can help. The sense of accomplishment, makes us full. Our hearts, our souls, our lust of finding what turns us on.

We need to be each other's stepping stools. Stepping stones. Flights of fancy.

I get caught in "poor little rich girl" facade. It's a dangerous trap to fall into.
Or trusting the person who says, "Trust me."
Don't trust them. Usually the ones who wear cloaks, who have the "too good to be true" pitch, well, Dear Heart, they are too good to be true. We all fall short. But there are horrible people out there. Who do want to hurt you, take advantage of you, confuse you until they wear you down.

I didn't sleep much last night. I took a bath. Which puts me right to bed, left me restless. I'm super itchy, I guess, from healing. I am so far over looking like a leper, and taking this medicine.
Over it. Both boys fed off me last night. I would get up, one of them would get up. I heard Champ in the kitchen, (I was even on Benadryl.) I got up, and whipped him. He was just as aggravated as I was, or so it seemed.

The most amusing part about the poison? Is the flare on my ring finger. The wedding band finger. It's a story of the past. How that realationship couldn't work. How it ultimately ended in demise, and torture, and trouble. My left hand. My ring finger. It makes me laugh.

Why apologize? Or make excuses, for what we love, find humor in, for why we want the "things" we want. It's so much easier to lay blame on what we point our fingers to. (or how we landed there.)

I, am always not forthright with you. Which makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty, because, I don't always tell the back story to everything. I can't.

My friends inspire me mostly. To write.

I am not always talking about myself. Don't get paranoid on me now Soldier, you should smile at those statements. It means, if I may, Sue, use your word, muse.

My life, the people in it, make me better. Even though life feels like a stagnant pond and is overwhelming. Teeming with mosquito's.

My solution? Is to sit in the yard. Try like hell to slow down, and spend time.

My warning? Is to not get hooked on me. I just got started.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Nannerpuss, Nannerpuss....

Let down your hair.

This is going to be short.
My day. Started @ 5 A.M.,
and hopefully end at bed check,
after 9.


Farm call between 5:30 - 6:00.
Hopefully we will not have any emergency calls between that time.
Simple horse vaccines.

I feel kind of spent.

I miss all things John Lennon today.
I need saving, so there it is.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Wake Up Call

Brought out of my sleep, terrified.
Clutching Champ so close to my chest, afraid.
I told you I have a confession.
Well, this isn't it.

Let me get on track.

"All good things may be expressed in a single word."
And Hope.

Winston Churchill

I will start with Tuesday. Tuesday, I had already told you I had plans. Plans change, as I reiterate, over, and over. My injection for the poison had kicked right in. I slept until 9:30,
Met the Minchews,(people I dog sit for), saw my nephew Hayden, played in the backyard at Mama's with the boy, talked to Mama, she told me she would check on me, picked up my comforter, (she had washed it), I flew back home, I had so much to do, so much on my mind.
I fed/watered/dogs/cats, moved lawn chairs, hung bird feeders, filled bird feeders, checked out a 5 volt adapter I needed, transplanted ivy, went to landfill, ran by Appalachian Outreach, talked with the lady about their yard sale coming up, made a donation, had my haircut, got TOLD by Pete, we discussed, Washington, D.C., mission trips, whitewater rafting, (going with A Nason, one day!), hiking spots, what to do if I ever get bitten by a snake if I am ever out by myself, (it's possible), talked to Angie/Sue most of the day, (don't worry, we all share Verizon), took pics of the mailbox, layed out in the grass with the boys, got TOLD by Mama, many, many times, how I needed to be resting, inside, she scolded me plenty, just another reason to call her Vicky Clause, she always knows, she knows when to bust me, co horse me into the house, Monday Night, she bribed me with spaghetti, I can't resist, she's the best, cause she's Vicky Clause, and when I attempted, (feebly), to ask her "Who exactly I get all my running/doing everything when I need to be resting," thing from..........she informed me I had a "smart mouth." Scolded, Son!

What time is it? Uh, 2:30? 3:oo?
Ate salad, changed sheets, cuddled more dogs, watered yard, cut up melon, vacuumed, went to library, talked to the ladies there, 'cause I'm easy to talk to, listened to music, laughed @ Eric's comment, heard from Ben, I finally took a piece of rest around, 4:30.

Then Mr. Wise called. We went to the dam, skated like a pro,(ha!) met Adam, walked the full length of the mother trucker, got to swing, had to have a drink from the Sonic, saw the sign for
"Paw Paw's Snow Cones," and they advertise themselves as "Travel Agents" too, true story, picture, coming soon, there's also a Paw Paw Holler Church, OOOh, I saw some long-horned cattle too, purchased my 5 volt thingy I needed, we cheated and had to have a burrito or two, sat in the front yard, Champ lost his mind, wanted to sit on Mr. Wise's lap, but settled on the grass, then, the bombshell, Mr. Wise, is going to be a Daddy. How exciting.

We saw the sunset through the tress, but really couldn't get a good view, so we went the "long way," all the way down, by the road, but still couldn't see it, I told him, I would carve out "short way," but it's gonna have to later in the week.....

Mr. Wise left, I showered,felt better, finished the bitchin' book, Sue has allowed me to read, and it was so awesome, I bought a copy of it, before I even finished it. (It has String Threory, mentioned also.)

One down, only 7 more to go.

Work in progress....
Solace, has just been touched on.

Back, to coming clean. My terror? I am terrified, I am being hurled into the future without any sense of security, now dear, I understand, we all live in this very real element.
The magician? Could pull the trap door, at any second.
I, am attracted to men, who generally have no real path, direction, or future.
I worry, that I want/expect way too much out of a potential partner. Shouldn't I?
Shouldn't I examine every part of the person who I may possibly have children with?
If they can't love every (scary) part of me, or bring out the best on me, what am I doing?
Making the wrong choice.
I look at my sleeping Champ, and I don't trust anyone with him.
(I guess, that would be the true test, a la Indiana Jones.) (Step of Faith.) (Crusades.)

I know, things are not my fault, I am made to be the way I am.
I may not ever change.
I know, there are things I can not do.
Full moon, last night, gorgeous at 3:30 A.M.

My work day, today, monstrous.
It all started out with a baby white boxer passing.
He just wasn't strong enough.
I learned something new about white boxers today.
That, even I, didn't realize, they just usually don't make it.
Champ and I are survivors, and it makes me proud.

Lots of other things, made me weepy today, concerning work, but I am taking high amounts of steroids, and as I mentioned, the full moon is cycling, we are slammed at work, I am slammed at home. I did grill steak tonight, some squash, played with the dogs, watered flowers, chased Ladybird..... and took care of the Minchew dogs. It's 9:22....

Sue also asked me about the Children's Book I am writing about Champ. It's going to be a book for hearing impaired children. Children, who, are different, but just as exceptional.
(She also, asked to see the sketches of Champ.)

Listen, I'm rambling, which means, I have lost my point, but not lost on you..... ;)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Under The Gun

This is the truth, baby. I did have my haircut.
It's not what we have discussed.
Pete asked if I were having my period.
I knew I was in deep trouble right there.
I thought, he would get up in my lap,
and sing Amazing Grace.
He didn't.
But he could have.

Pete's word's?
You have the face to wear any haircut,
but we need to pray on this one.

He gave me little bangs.

Normal cut.

I am running wild today.

I am struggling to put together a game plan.
It's going to be a hum dinger.

I promise.

Mailbox painted,
transplanting ivy by the smokehouse.

I can't drink any alcohol.

Taking Champ for a mini adventure later,
if it doesn't get to be too late.

I thought about Arden,
It's still early.

Who knows.

I appreciate your honesty,
and the GO GET 'EM attitude.

So I am going to borrow your attitude,
for a few hours.

I just caught a glimpse of myself.

I look amazing.

Gone to the river....

Monday, July 6, 2009

Jimmy Crack Corn

I am taking time off. Well deserved time off.
As I covered in the last blog, I am doing.

Yeah, I am doing. And that's all.
I think it's more than enough.

I have plenty of books to read,
plenty to write about.

I can't spend alot of time outside,
due to cough due to cold.

That's ok.
I need to recuperate.
I need to rest.

P.S. I found poison on my face,
so it's pretty bad.

I may not work Wednesday either.
It's going to pan out.

So, I am not going to worry.
I will rest.

Read again,
Paula will rest.

My ramblings about Freedom?
Here we go baby.

Living in the bathtub,
Napping soundly with the boys,
Loving the time alone.

Thank you supporters!!!!
For allowing me to spread my little wings,
and to fly over the water,
possibly, over the horizon.

Still loving you!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Your Poison, or mine?

Right now, I am trudging through, poison ivy or sumac, and a load of guilt.
I have a huge confession, and I am not ready to say it out loud.
It's nothing bad, it's just something I don't talk about.
I suppose, I'm just not ready to talk about it.

The one brand of poison, is on my arms. Some on my chest.
A bare bit on my legs.
Ok, and some on my God Blessed fingers!

Right now, I am wringing my hands when I am not typing,
bc, I do not want to scratch.

Rest assured, I am not contagious.

At least, I hope not.

P.S. Things are going to be dicey this week.
In every aspect.
I don't feel well. I'm going to have to do things this week,
I will not enjoy.

Except for Tuesday.
I'm planning yet, another secret adventure,
but never fear, I will at least let one person know
my coordinates.

I am not motivated.
She's gone.
I have lost her, even though I need her so badly.
Like air.

So you see, Kitten, the reason?
For the whole poison comparison thing?
Is, I feel as if my body, my life, has been poisoned.
In haunting, mirrored rhythm.

But my rhythm, has been interrupted, and everything is off kilter.
I am fearful. Scared.
My insides shake as if I am riding in a car
with bad shocks.

It means, I have to find my center.
It means, I have to spend a bunch of time alone.
And, I don't want to.

It's not a big deal.
At least I have the vision to know what to do.
How to help myself.
When to help myself.
Identify the issue.
Face it head on.
Take in my accountability.

Speak with Spock, and less with Kirk.

Spectacular Haircuts?
Hosted by Mr. Pete Higgs?
I am terrified of asking him to cut my hair the way I want it.
Think, um, Catherine Zeta Jones, CHICAGO.

I mean, hair grows,
Nothing to be feared.

But, if you feel as if I am making a huge mistake,
Call now.

Or at least, before Tuesday.

Or call call Mr. Pete Higgs @ 865-471-1516, to voice said concerns.
(Give fair warning.)

Or channel cut my bangs.
I may be a fucking genius.

After all this time, there's still more work to be done!

I still love you, and of course, without the "but."

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Born on the Fourth of July

I called you today, and you didn't answer, so I didn't leave a message either, I suppose you could look at the caller I.D. and you would know I had called. I hope you have a great birthday, and its everything you want it to be. Instead of answering, God knows what you are doing. I am moving on, Constantly. I am doing what I supposed to do. I realize, slowly, I am doing just fine.

I know what I have to have in order to survive. I have to be outside. I have to hike. I have to cling to my friends. I have to clean up the farm. I'm actually quite a bit better.

My week, has been so shaky. Not what I imagined my mood to be at times.

Emotional. It's allowed.

I have to allow myself to let go. I have to turn my phone off.

I have to be untouchable.

I have a method to my madness. Even if you don't ever fully appreciate it.

Not you, Ang, or Sue, Josh, or even you, Ben.

I realize, I have to try. Even when, I am emotional. Even when, it hurts.
Even when, it feel just right.

By the way, I feel just right. In all the downright, let down. Anger. Remorse.
I feel better. When I cry, I am actually letting go. I view the full honesty of the scope.
It is what I need to get by.

I cry for freedom.
I care for it like a child.
I wait for it with open arms.
I adore my madness.
I appreciate the utter majesty.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda, has yelled at me. I ignored all 3.
They have no use for me.

I long for the pioneer days, or even cavemen days.
Where freedom, was limited.
Where freedom, was actually a true statement.

We are all repressed, in our to do, doing-just-fine, bullshit.
The addictive side of me, is dangerous right now.

I long for chemicals, that set me free,
and let
Freedom Ring.

Clean breaks are easier,
you should be let go, I imagine you in a category,
that should only be limited to one person in my life. (history)
In the friend category, at least,
(this is where it is broad)
You insult the way I even imagine life is. (my life)
His drive?
Is horrible.
Because, my feelings are hurt.
(Paula, read closely, your feelings, have been hurt)
He doesn't even bother to walk the line of friendship.

(here it is.)
No one should worry about being accountable for my feelings.
I am the only one, who should ever worry about those.

It is cute, when, you tiptoe.

I know my emotions, so well, it would frighten the average man.
I know, what, I am emotionally available to handle.
To weather.

My track record hasn't been so clean.
Again, you have hurt my feelings.

And those words, are very hard for you to hear, and stomach.
So say it out loud,
say it to yourself,
but understand,
You, have hurt my feelings.

If I have to face my emotions, my battle scars, my wounds, my scars.
Shouldn't you have to?

Eye for an eye?

I will watch you as you lick your pathetic wounds.
It's barely a scratch.
You have made me pretty angry.

I can, only bear friendship,
and its precious you would think any further.

I, am about as available as an Angler fish.

I can stand it, though.

You thought you were the only one who could be hurtful.
(i didn't mean to.)

My intention, was, to get off the phone first.
All I want, is conversation,
(you misconstrue, as chasing nuts.)
But, to take care of business.

I wish I had someone to take care of me.
It should make you sad.
It should bother you.

You, have always, let me down.

Happy Birthday. This is your present.