Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I am having real live encounters with True Life today. It makes me very nauseous. And very much on edge. I had a dream about Thomas this morning, and it was very real. It was a point where he first left. But, he didn't have his "other" life in order, so he couldn't flee. You know, we have to give Thomas some credit. For being a planner. For being so meticulous on his plan and how he left. My dream? Was surreal. I was in his new car, which, I never had the honor to fuck up. We had to go places together, and it was scary. I am actually shaking right now. Due to coffee? Who knows? I'm not too sure, nor am I convinced. Is it bc I am typing about "my torment?" Again, not sure.

There is so much going on. With me. And you. I don't know if its bc how much I could tell Sue missed her family this weekend. Its ok, its the truth. OR how Ben misses Margo. Or, how Angie is so homesick for Tennessee.

I relate. But, you know that feeling of missing someone? Imagine, that by 100%, now multiply that by 1,000%, now divide by 1 million. It does not touch the emotions, the down right agony, that spilled from me. It doesn't touch it.

I see, dear, you probably get tired of hearing me cry ass, and complain. But, this is my blog. It's a safe place, and this is how I feel. I think, I am sick bc I am somewhat homesick myself.

I can relate to Angie when she cries on the phone with me. I can. But, again, math reference, add 2 more million to it.

I feel like Moses when he sent the dove to look for dry land. I just wish the dove would show up.

Our internal battle is not one we are able to win on our own power. Nehemiah 6:9

One thing I have learned. Is. That if you don't listen to God and obey in the early stages, the longer you wait, the less discernment you have.

We have all this control we take for granted. What we put in our heads, bodies. How we feed our own fears. We have control over machines like cars, tractors, and ultimately over other people.
What a scary thought. We have control over so many things, but I have pointed my little finger at everything, and everyone, but myself. Where's your accountability, little girl? I expect it out of everyone else, but, I forgot about myself? We want more, and who can blame us?

I need to try very hard the next few weeks. Daddy has his surgery next Tuesday, and I am scared to death. No one is to make one comment about this part. I love my Daddy, so much.
He is the one man, I have always been able to count on, lean on, ask to do things for me, and he will do it. Take time off of work, jut to make my life a little more comfortable. It terrifies me, he is having to have this done. I am beyond freaked out. I am beyond all settling down. I, am not able to focus right now. He will be just fine. I give thanks to a God who works everything out. I reach out to a God who has control over someone I ADORE.

I am melancholy today. I feel just fine with it too.

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