When I get remarried, as odd as it is to type this, I pray, you don't see me as this desperate girl, clawing her way out of her 20's, fearful of being an old maid. I don't see that in myself. Why all the talk of marriage, and dresses, infidelity, and all this mess? Truth be told? I could have a boyfriend. Maybe 2. And I adore men. I absolutely love them. I wouldn't be fulfilled, though, I am having way too much fun on these adventures with Terry, ghost touring with Sue, dreaming of doughnuts with Angie, and focusing on our farm. I have way too much on my agenda to bother inviting someone else into my life of debauchery/overwhelming responsibility to myself. There. There it is. Self-sufficient? Sure. Vulnerable? You betcha. Sue, you asked me what kind of man I need/want. I felt kind of embarrassed, bc, I didn't tell you everything, I didn't elaborate on what I need, and, I'm sorry, I wasn't forthright with you. So I decided to come clean to all of you. Who keep track of me, the ones who paint my life so full, and glorious, and help me exist.
I need a person, an individual, who is spiritual, who can look at a photograph, and not just see the subject. I need a person who loves wine, and adores dogs, and could care less how much dog hair is attached to me. (He's Deaf, Dear. That's why he can't hear you.) I need someone who can appreciate homemade butter cream icing, will hold my hand, out and about, kiss me every chance they get. I need someone, who will let me, be me, without fear of letting go a little bit. I need someone who wants to be outdoors, can admire a sunset, and wait for the sunrise. I desire a person, who wants to serve others, regardless of who it impresses or hurls them into stardom. I am asking for a sense of humor, I like a tall glass of water kind of man, I need someone to shoot guns with, skate with, hike with, camp with, goof off with. I will have someone who admires me, and respects me, rather than appease me so they wont have to go through another one of my pre-madonna fits. I need someone who can strive to be like my Daddy. Or know how to crack open a rock with motor oil, I long for someone with wild abandon, ready for anything, pursue dreams, and not afraid of the unbeaten path. I have to have someone to be able to not touch me when I cry, or let me sit on their lap when I have to let it out, and cannot stand on my own 2 feet any longer. That, is just a rough draft, and I could go on, and on, continue to describe this person, who at this time isn't in my reach. He just isn't. Or, I haven't looked close enough....
You see, everything above listed is a quality of at least one form or characteristic, of different eclectic people in my life presently. I am not let down in the least. I am encouraged more than anything...... I admire you all, for praising me when you know it has been the last thing I could do on my own.
Does this make me any less strong of a girl? No. Not at all. It makes me ten times more powerful, and that much more approachable. If I have a set outline of what I desire, I can ask for it. I realize, I have been blaming God for so much lately. Well, my Wise men, my Madmen, my Babies, I haven't been asking for what I need. It's not the perfect shade of red lipstick. It isn't new shoes.(even though, that would be sweet!) Therefore, I couldn't possibly receive it!
So there you go. This weekend is going to be so thrashingly busy, and, I am going to be on edge, jumpy, like a funny lizard. I am going to be doing several experiments, and as you may suspect out of me, I have a long list.
I am able to hang out with Terry tonight, I'm positive of the shenanigans and utter chaos that will ensue. We have to run. We have to get together about the ins and outs. We may actually sit still for few minutes. Probably not til dark. That's how my boy and I roll. Isn't that cool?
I work all weekend. On the farm and Work, Work. Busy.
Sharpie, as requested, in pocket. I am going to mark some spots that make me happy. I may explode from the anxiety I am having. It may all go away after this week. I really feel though, once I am able to work a little more on the farm, I will feel a huge shower of relief, and comfort.
I can't wait for Tuesday, and for my Daddy to be safe. I want to take care of Mama and Daddy both, and spoil them rotten. It's going to be hard. It's goin gto overwhelm my Mama. Vicky Clause and I are too much alike, and I love it! You know this, right? Daddy will stay in the hospital for 4 days, he will be at UT. I will stay over there as much as I can, so please, don't expect too much out of me at that time. I gotta figure out some stuff at my house too. Daddy has informed me I cannot grill any said doctor's anymore. I told him, that he has taken such good care of me, he should expect the favor returned.
Listen Terry, we may stay at my house, and work. No? Ok, Ok, I will wear you out in another way. Promise. That may be my favorite text I have ever received, By the Way, (BTW), and I quote!!!!
"Paula I just have to say that u wore me out last night!" End quote.
I expect to be hurled into the air like a cheerleader tonight, and I think, we gotta get a plan.
I am not dreaming right now. I think I am so dog tired once I lay down, it just isn't possible.
Champ ate a huge tomato I had on the counter. Tomato seeds everywhere, red, goofy dog face. It made me laugh. Tiger was hiding under the bed, and thought I was going to go haywire...... It happens.
Things I am looking for, a crinoline for a full skirt, it doesn't have to be small, just as long as I can work with it. Several bandannas, kind of looking for the grey ones, apparently hard to come by, I need, more bra padding, the removable kind.... Any kind of hairpieces, for dark hair...
That's the short version. Of my heart's desire.