Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Chupacabra, is that you?

I am still left reeling with issues. After all this time. Treatment. Counseling. Still. I am reeling. I find myself at delicate odds with myself. Who I am. Who I have become. If I can improve. What to improve on. This is just the tip of the iceberg. This has left me as breathless as running wildly in the woods.

My name is Paula and I am an emotional hoarder. Shocking huh? Well go ahead, bring on the judgement. I hoard bad feelings, bad mojo, hurt, clothes from a period of my life that is no more, I hoard things with no purpose, I hoard letters, emails, so on and so forth. I hoard it. I hang on to this emotional baggage that poses real threat in order for me not to move on. Shitty Paula. Real shitty. Stop it. I did get rid of some things over the weekend that serve me no longer. Get real. You know what I'm talking about. Mr. Holding on to this thing from high school cause it made me feel manly and shit. Er, or whatever your little dirty secret is. I got rid of phone numbers that could get in the way of my future. Stumbling blocks. I just don't need them.

A.K.A. : I might need this crew neck white long sleeved t-shirt. I might, cause they may not make another one. Thank you Sue for listening to that trite realization. Improvement is on the way. Not like a knight in shining armour kind of way but a hold fast, help is on the way kind of thing. Here I am in my hope like state of mind and constantly reminding myself not to let that part of myself go.

These journeys we all seem to be on are confusing horrible nightmares or maybe it's what we make of it. Always having the power to wake up form the nightmare, that seems to be the tricky, intoxicating part of life. Why holding on to what could have been, or what it is but it could be better. Nope. Nope. Nope.

This is a icy patch. I find myself being only relateable to one person in this world at a time. This is a problem. This is a self created handicap. My bad G. I mean, just because you get out of jail it does continue to influence you. Which it should. Live and learn. Letting go though is quite a bit tougher.

My adult life has been quite a bit different than my life as a child. Things were happening to me then that I could not be accountable for. Ever. When I turned into an adult, that's when everything changed. I have been in circumstances I could have, and did not get out of. Not talking about divorce trauma, I'm talking about earlier in adult life bullshit. Like I didn't have to stay with Ed for 7 years when in fact I could have just let go. Was that empty feeling a good thing that I wanted to hold on to? No. Ed didn't do me any justice, and I didn't do any justice by him by holding on. He wasn't willing, so why was I such an eager beaver? Who really knows?

30 is a treasure for me. Most women I know see 30 as a death sentence and it makes me wanna vomit in their diaper bags. 30 has taught me a great bit. To love myself. To realize that what others paint of their lives, they can believe the facade they live in, or face facts. Like that they have made choices to be in the places that they are presently in now.

Here's post divorce shit.

Do you know how much I LOVE living in the same place I lived with my ex-husband? That I sleep in the room that he told me he was leaving me in?

Am I dead? No.

Would it be easy to go live with B and pack my dogs up and throw the pie save on the accord and set up shop in Knoxville? Yeah, it would be easy. B would like that. But I don't want that. I really don't need to be saved from myself. I need my own dryer to sit on and paint my toenails. This is why it wouldn't be a good solution for me, and this is also where I point out I am making good, conscience decisions about my life. Taking steps of maturity that I see by example via facebook, ex-book, myselfish sites that make me vomity in my mouth.

Psst. Pass it on.

The only being that can save me is my Lord and Sovereign Savior, Jesus Christ.

The next time others want me to have pity on the choices and graves they have been digging for themselves, I pray for self-restraint. To not judge or to be bitter toward them.

Just because the past has been so bad it doesn't ever mean it will determine your future.

The proof is in the pudding, and you should go ahead and take a bite.

Once in a blue moon?

Reality bites. It just does. You know your perception of things and people you know. You might know one tidbit or two about them and automatically think, huh. I thought their existence was different than mine. Or, I thought they had it so good, and I had it rotten. Til the truth comes out. The truth is, it's more than okay to be damaged. It's more than acceptable to have a past. Living and learning from our mistakes is something we all have to do. It creates growth. Problems, promote strength. Difficulty makes us better. More refined. Most of the time it reminds us "not to do that again." Then there are the real "tough" ones. Oh, I can kick that. It's not a big deal. I dont have to be accountable. It's true. No one really has to ever take blame or really recognize the things they have done hurt themselves or others. It does feel good when you can finally face facts, but I also have vacationed to that place "denial" myself. Can it all be embraced and encompassed? Yes. I believe so. Even when the going gets tough.

It's true I miss someone. It's true I am a bit melancholy today. I am fortunate to have realationships with people who are supportive, no matter how hair brained a scheme I tend to pull. These folks are my searchlight when I am out in the bay, lost at sea. Close to home but utterly too far away.

I am very sleepy today. I honestly don't know how I feel today. This is going to have to be okay. I cant continue to hesitate to white wash things. I miss Terry. Badly. I think about the adventures we would go on. I missed his phone call Monday. I didn't call back. Why so insecure? I feel as if I don't fit in his life any more. It feels rotten. Mine and Terry's friendship was exactly what I needed when we reconnected. It is difficult to see it change. I am sure he feels the same way also, but not so dramatically as I see it. Oh no, not this performer. With that said, I feel like a house with open windows all exposed and shiz. Coming clean ain't so easy.

Motivation? Up and out. I woke up a little earlier to somehow to promote a feeling of optimism. You know the drill. To get a leg up. To feel human. To BE effective. It's all been a big joke though, or so it seems. I would rather be curled up somewhere in a cocoon and fighting it all out in my head. Very vivid dreams last night, but I cant remember a one of them. How 'bout that paradox?

It's confession time around here, so get ready. I want to be doing a lot more. I need to catch that fever I had. That wild unbearable fever that fueled me to a point I was dangerous. I have outlet. I see this. I also am craving validation. Is that so wrong? I expect more out of myself than what I am producing. My band wagon started out ferociously and now it dwindles as if I am using wet matches to light a fire. Life altering? More like lifeless.

Am I still moving as fast as I used to? Is everyone else moving so slow I seem like a blur? It sure feels the other way around. Walk a mile in someone else's moccasin's. Fight a battle of David and Goliath proportions.

My heart is heavy for B today. He understands stagnant waters. Hopefully I support him as much as he needs. I believe he would speak up. We drove up to his family farm yesterday. Even though it was freezing, even though it was windy, we walked a few minutes. Stood on the ridge of possibilities. Figuratively and physically. His family farm connects to my great aunt and great uncle's farm. Which is clever. God knows what to do. B and I stand a chance to inherit a great future. A progressive future. I am sure B and I will be ready when God thinks we need to turn that wheel. Provision is promised and I look forward to it.

Optimism is a good looking girl and I cant help but stare at her.

I am eating my morning cereal while I write this. My cereal is just about as animated as porridge, but it's full of protein and fiber. 2 things a person needs to feel full and encourage the mind to work together with the body beautifully. I always eat breakfast because if I don't I find myself mindless. Ready to eat cardboard. Eating hand fulls of chocolate. When I know better. My favorite part of not eating breakfast is the crashing. The headaches. The irritableness (not really a word) of it all. The foul mood which it promotes. I will continue to try harder and not eat all the leftover cookies and junk from the holidays. I should not ever feel that compelled. Nor that hungry and desperate for satisfaction out of eating things I truly have no desire to consume. Take off them judgement pants. It's unattractive.

So while everyday boredom eats away at my soul, I ask, how does Heidi Klum pull this shiz off? Oh yeah, she has a monumental support system at her demand. But wait P, so do you. My sickness is that I make a choice not to believe how reliable my support system is. I allow total destruction from within. The offender is inside. This is me trying to attempt to be reasonable and ask it to leave. In a polite voice also. I can try, right?

Instead of feeling numb and motionless. It's all too "Lawnmower Man" for me. Do you remember that movie? It had a bit of impact on me. All Sci-fi does that shiz to me anyway. Why is it so troubling to have eye watering smiles? It's worth it to be un-orthodox, full of life, vigor. I bet downright infused. Tasty even.

Instead of putting an ill fitted band-aid on this real wound, I pray for passion and commitment. I pray to be awakened in a way that will help these burdens feel somewhat manageable. Am I not ready? Who knows? I'm ready to be a functioning person of society. I willing party. Not the unwaning child who just doesn't wanna.

If you read this today, please comment. If only just a hello. I really don't need anything heartfelt, but please let me know you are there. Somewhere.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Soup's on!

Focusing on what's good for you, may not be good for me.

Monday, December 28, 2009

GO ahead, call Pastor Bob!!!!

Nothing lost, nothing gained. These two things I enjoy. I'm just a bit tired. Really for no reason. I think I may just need a kick in the pants or just have summer to be here already. I want to be hiking like a mad lady, and I suppose we could go tomorrow except it's going to be extra chilly and this just can't happen. (I also don't have the best gloves)I am pushing myself hard to go to pilates tonight and I have to say I am struggling. I want to go. I really do. Once I am there, I enjoy myself. I did push ups on the ball last night, which is hard as heck but so worth it.

I had stopped by my parent's yesterday and had eaten 3 peanut butter cups and this oreo candy ball thing in the 5 minutes that I was there. Mama asked me to stay for a while, but I couldn't. Not with those peanut butter cups staring at me. I kept thinking to myself, do I eat this? Turns out the answer was yes every time. I can't continually do this. I just can't. I feel so guilty and so bad, and I become so defeated that I can't allow it. Pleasure is fleeting....... even in the world of food.

We all need fuel. I need constant fuel. I eat around 6 small meals a day. Mostly things quick and convenient. I drink my allotment of a million gallons of water a day. I do. This equals consistent bathroom trips, but it also battles that water weight that plagues me.

Blah. New year. New you. This could be true and not only in fairy tales. I am looking forward to a little bit of rejuvenation. Not sleep. Because apparently sleep is for the weak. I have many examples and many women to look up to for this comparison. Looking for mind renewal and better balance. Trying to find my new glitch and leaving all this unnecessary bullshit behind.

Fingers crossed.

So Jme is home and of course there has been plans of world domination and things of that nature. Is this positive? Yes. As far as I'm concerned. We had a great conversation that I would like to share. We discussed jealousy. Which everyone experiences. Which is common. It all started with talking about breast feeding. Really? Between two women who are not pregnant, nor becoming pregnant in the near future. Jme told me about being persecuted about not wanting to breast feed. She was also in the middle of several married/newlywed/new parents/ladies who have older children/women who like to pick fights for no reason/ladies who lost their fucking minds because their worlds have become so small. Call me judgemental, but this is my best friend who has experienced many struggles and like everyone else every now and then feels persecuted and outed because she's not in the world procreating and bitching about it. I took her by the hand and said Jme, I understand. One individual (Oh, to be a fly on the wall for this) had the gall to call her a bad mother. Jme looked at her and told her she wasn't a mother yet. ( my example of some one's SMALL world and narrow minded perspective.) I said, puh-leese, Woo. The next time you are with this firing squad, maybe you could brag about being able to leave your house without asking your husband to "baby-sit" y'all's child or children that you all had together.

Put that on your tit and suck it. BEEEATCHES.

Back to the subject at hand. She asked me if I thought we were jealous because we didn't have that going on in our lives just yet. I said maybe. I don't think that's all of it, I just feel like everyone else may have a great life in which they constantly bitch about. I told her that these folks have made their choices, and bringing their own judgements, (or lack of) about what you want out of your life doesn't mean it has to remotely stand up to what they have made the choice to do. Further more, I'm sure most of your married/pregnant Nazi's you know have made horrible choices for themselves and want to pass judgement on you for no reason, is their issue, not yours.

Jealous? Not jealous of them, but the idea of what could happen for us in the future. (So don't ruin it for us friends! We have the power to make different decisions!!!)

So holla @ me if this makes you mad, but breast feeding isn't on the top of mine and Jme's to do list. She's an inspiring, teaching mad house of a Pastor. Jme's goals are to keep on truckin', and focus on Christ. Which is what I should be doing.

Jme made a great point, in the bible it teaches us to solely rely on God. Focus on His path. The bible actually teaches us to put everyone else, including our children and spouse's last and to put Him first. In all actuality the bible teaches us to want to be single, and that having spouse's and children are choices.

Check that word again. Choice.

Radical? No. Just Southern Baptist and opinionated.

Of course I told B about this conversation and he asked if I had a pen and paper. I grabbed my journal out of my purse and said "Have at it." He said, "Talk slow, I want to get this down." I laughed and hugged that boy and told him I loved him for wanting to know. Things change. People change. B is pretty solid though. Solid in his thinking. I see him constantly trying to be good to me, my pets, (even the step brothers) to my family, B is consistent. This is one of the traits in him that I admire. B always follows through. Even when it's tough. Not to toot his horn so loudly, but TOOT!!!!! B is a right choice for me, and my life. When feeling hard to please and out of control, he describes me as being particular and knowing what I want. BUT totally understanding that what I want MAY change at any given second. He seems to eat it up like a fat kid eating cake....... (Toot again)

This is me thankful and not jealous. (Take a picture, it'll last longer.)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Insecurity, please stand up.....

At least I don't have the rockin' pneumonia and the boogey woogey blues, right? Well, I survived Christmas. It was worth it. I am going to try a little bit harder next year though. I'm not as wore out as I was during the Thanksgiving week. What a blessing. I love dog sitting, but it can be too much for me with work, my pets, incorporating somewhat of a social life. It's pure madness.

The beginning of this blog post is such a cheat. I mean, I should update you, I take stock in what other's opinions are. This is human, and you're human, right? If you aren't, I do not hold this against you. (RObot.) I think that I live in an imaginary world I have created. Most of the time I see the words I type but it's usually edited down so much because I'm afraid of the judgement. Too watered down to a point the effort feels futile. Or posting a blog that's truly half-assed. Even when most of the time if someone comments on the fact I write in a dark way, it hurts me. I suppose I just don't see myself as dark. I see myself as a realist. I see myself craving more support rather than what I might be doing wrong, and especially when it's someone else's opinion. I want to cut it out. (It could also stem from living with an verbally abusive ex-spouse, and suffering consequences from an ex-spouse who didn't want me to outshine them. ) (This kind of living, is conducive to a divorce.)


I already can hear criticism. When this is my creative outlet. My output. Creatively, this is difficult. Difficult? Yes, difficult because it's me. Because it's mine. This is my footprint. I wander. Er, I wonder. There's too much stuck in my head, but not enough time to let it out.

I suppose this is why I don't have writer's block. Ever.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Illegal Move

Wouldn't it be nice? Well yes, Beach Boys. It would. It would be nice if poof, I didn't feel so traumatized and terrified of the Christmas Holidays, the anxiety level I get when in crowds of people, and yes, it would be nice if I could just surrender and submit. This isn't my nature Beach Boys! It just isn't. Things might be easier if B and I lived together. I would have help with the dogs. I would feel a little less anxious about finances. Maybe.

Except for the trust issues I have. Except for passing by my ex-husband last night in the mall.

He wasn't far away.

The mall was packed full.

He walked RIGHT BY ME.

We made eye contact.

It wasn't like he was on the other side.

He walked RIGHT by me.

I didn't look back.

I survived.

This has followed with terrible nightmares last night, raging insecurities, I'm afraid I'm just pushing B away. I don't want to be left again.

I don't.

Did I mention he walked right by me?

The last time I saw him was in '07. At a bank. With Angie and Abs.

It was horror.

B. Gah. B. He was perfect. He looked more hurt than me.

So here we are. B and I. Dealing with life as it comes AFTER us. Good thing is, is that he's supportive, and vice versa. So it STILL turns out my life is different than yours. Again, you should probably be jealous. My old self would be.

I'm also in love with Andy Griffith. So every time I speak to anyone I am just going to imagine I am speaking to him. That may work. This is my fix. My coping mechanism.

Wish me luck!!!! : )

Monday, December 21, 2009

This feels like Disney World, Band trip style.....

Remember how everyone kept running over your feet with them strollers?

Welcome to my epiphany.

How organized can a tornado be? Turns out, when I make lists and stick to them, I turn into a productive person. Who knew? Truth be told this has been my secret for eons now. I'm perfectly capable of doing things the right way. It's just that my gumption had ran off in the sunset with a handsome stranger. Ya know what? Gumption just came back with it's tail between it's legs. Told you so. These are my struggles, and why not be honest about them? Half the time I feel like I need to be secretive. As if I'm the only person on the planet who feels lacking, intimidated, misunderstood from time to time. We all feel this way. What else has been missing? Confidence. which is something I usually lack. I mean, the wind will blow if it wants to, right? This time of year brings out the best and the worst in people. I just need a little control. I can have this. Control. Yes, I will have it. I will control my eating, my self-deprecating thoughts, I will stop comparing myself to unattainable ideas. Maybe you believe I am not positive, but I am. I am positive that I will do better. To air out exactly what I need to air out. Believe it or not.

No longer frustrated with your point of view, I will have to ignore your opinion. Now, now. I may not be great at this, but there are people in my life who want to control me. Even my thoughts. That's unfair. Stop pointing at me, or her, or him. Sometimes, we have to look at ourselves to find the problem. Or maybe even the solution.

I thought for the longest time life is unfair. It is and all, but it can get better. I have no money, but I pay every thing on time. I made a commitment to my bills. No matter what. I believe God is going to continue to provide for me. I may pray. I may get real specific, but I will receive every thing I need. And, just in time.

You know the struggle. What to pay. What not to pay. Then I heard my favorite money go to guy, Dave Ramsey tell me exactly what most of America needs to hear right now. Pay the electric. Pay the gas bill. EAT. Mortgage. Your "debt" is less important. Dave didn't say this, but trust God. As much as you can.

Take this from a person who has lost everything. Given away things she needed. Kept only the necessary things to get by on, then rebuilt. I'm not exactly where I want to be. BUT WHO IS???

It's coming. I just need enough to get by. God puts the grace in my heart to be humble enough to understand this.

It's difficult.

I want more.

It's not my time to have more.

That's my story. Now go celebrate Festivus!!!!! (With the rest of us.)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Don't push it

I maintain the right to just be happy. However this comes about. If it means loving only one person, other than myself. I don't care about Christmas, as I let that cat out of the bag yesterday. I care about being with the dogs who care for me other than the fact I feed them . To be needed and desires is so precious. I found myself short with B today at the grocery store, when he was only trying to make me happy. This put me in a brooding mood. Which I blamed for lack of coffee. The truth is, I was beating myself up in the car for being snappy, rather than being appreciative. I suck. When we did get home and I had some coffee, I felt much better. B, as always, taking it like a Champ, (no pun intended) told me he knew now to never let me be without coffee. B is loyal. Which I adore. Even when I am being less than to be desired.

He likes my bewildered states. I like that he always tries his best. At every thing.

Conversations with Sue have helped me conclude that I (everyone alive) becomes seasonally depressed. Needing sunlight. Needing to be out of the house, cage, work, prison..... so on and so forth. To break this spell of feeling like hell is, um, disappointing. I love all things outdoors. BUT I hate the cold. To be outside, I must endure the cold. I ask myself, which will win? I hope to start dressing a little smarter and not fearing what someone else may think of me. Get all devil may care on their ass. Sounds fun!!!

I am not eating sweets. I know we hear this all the time from me, but I have to out my foot down. You see, I have a form of body delusion. This is my diagnosis. It's dangerous to me. I beat myself up over eating. I have gained a little weight. Which shouldn't make me hate myself as much as I do.

But I do.

I can eat. But I need to eat well.

And work out. I shouldn't be lazy. I promise to try harder.

So the next time you have doubt, read this. I am holding my body captive as we speak.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Ode to snow, or just plain F you.


I hate snow. I "like" it only on seldom occasions. Oh, did I mention how much I am uncomfortable with Christmas? I love Jesus. I love that he was born. I love the story of Christ's birth. That's the extent of my love for Christmas. I have such distaste for Christmas decorations. That's kinda one of my issues with Christmas. I think they are pointless. The hustle and bustle? BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!! More money to piss down the pot. I like understated bullshit. Hell, you're reading the blog of the girl that only has a poinsettia out, and will be the only whisper of Christmas decorations.

Reason number 2 for not really DIGGING Christmas? No one REALLY cares. All year round we know it's coming, but somehow my family ends up acting confused and can't remember the date. HUH? My mother gets so stressed out FOR NO REASON. She may say dinner is at 5:30. Well, it's going to be later than that. Maybe an hour later. Then she gets mad that dinner isn't ready at 5:30. Well guess what? You should have started earlier! Then she wants to ask WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING??!!!??? Well lady, you threatened our lives with a wooden spoon. That's why. You crazy ass. Then, she gets all cry-ey. Then, I get cry-ey. Then, one of us EXPLODES. Yes. Yes. Yes. I mean, I can eat P,B, & J for Christmas dinner. Cause its' NOT ABOUT THE FOOD!!!!!! RIGHT MAMA???

I mean, don't fuck with me. Let's get this shit right.

Take Thanksgiving for example. Mama, Rachel, and I had 3 things each to prepare. FOR DINNER. The 2 of them had ALL DAY to GET SHIT READY. Of course it turned into a monumental meltdown. Remember how I worked like a streetwalker all Thanksgiving week? I had every bit of my shit ready. PLUS IT WAS HOMEMADE!!!!! Fuck!!!!

I don't expect miracles. BUT YOU CANT GET MAD ABOUT THE SHIT YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER!!!!!!!!! Them's the rules!!!! Right??? Right????

Geez. I'm ready for a shot.

It's only 8:27 AM.

B on the other hand is in love with all this snow bullshit. He got up at 3:45 this morning to go ski. I'm tickled he was able to go since he loves this shit and all, but he is sympathetic with my snow predicament. which lands me even more bat shit crazy in love with him. He might be my Jay-z and I might be his Beyonce. Jealous much?

All right. Cut. Story time now.

Courage of conviction to come. One day, someone might write about me. Like the careful way I want to write about you. To compliment. To emulate. I'm a crow.

The awful truth is, I'm terrified of my emotions. Terrified of the future and absolutely horrified at the possible outcome. What if I I'm a failure? What if no one loves it? What if no one finds it? The awful truth is, I don't have it. I have to use other people's stuff to kind of fit in. I realize I'm being kind of secretive here, but I think it might make you go away. And I don't want that. The truth is, I am uncomfortable with you not seeing it. See, the sock turned away. I'm still unsure why. The sock was so cryptic though. I started to think about the witch in the river. How angry the river rat was. Still unforgiven to this day. When the sock found out I had made the magic from the sacred area, the sock scrammed. Which made me ashamed of not having. Shame on you sock. Let's not turn this into Good Will Hunting.

I pulled my knee socks high. At that point I sat on a iceberg. Hoping to see the barn owl. Then, out of nowhere, there the wise being landed. The barn owl granted security. In an unforeseen storm. It doesn't matter. The iceberg DID melt. I had to hit land at some point.

So if I don't create, it can't be seen. Obtained honestly or not.

I REALLY sympathize with Rudolph. The red nosed reindeer? Sing the song. It might make some sense. I just hope my ending is the same.

Love Always,


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It's a Chicken Head of ALL Things....

Don't worry about the things that haven't happened yet. Dave Ramsey

Well Dave, this is a pickle. I shouldn't. I know. But I have a sick need to. You know the love I have for switching roles. One day, I might be a sadist, the next, a masochist. It's beautiful harmony. Yes Dave, I will try.

B said something similar last night. Uh, I feel it's similar. Hell, it's probably a different vocabulary word all together. Shoot.

He said that We have the advantage. After I woke up from my heady trip in Wonderland, I asked him to explain. This is a person who has been laid off and probably felt purposeless from time to time. Which is a bummer. Which is tough. Which is alright. (his words) Again, after he nursed my head wound from passing out and hitting the edge of the table I was brought to I asked for more clarity. He told me that We have an advantage because we have had the chance to learn from our mistakes.

B and I went to Sevierville yesterday to The Christmas Place. The Christmas Place looks like Santa Claus vomited everywhere. All 365 days of the year. Not a great place for me. B lured me in with a cup of coffee and promises of not staying long. Which we didn't. I was relieved. I almost had a panic attack. It's a BIG place. It's also just not my cup of tea.

Learning from mistakes? We have had the pleasure to screw up by our own hands and by others. We see clearly now that the rain is gone. B is full of insight, and knows quite a bit about this little girl.

At first, (ok, still....) a wild filly and not listening to anything but my own way.....YES. I am that flawed. He's flyin' like a bat out of hell down 66 and laughs. I looked over and said "What's so funny?" He said, "You've come so far." I wear my most bewildered face and say "What!!!!????"

B continues to say that I don't overreact the way I used to. Then said, that he was proud of me. Of course, I could've said thank you and moved on, but did I ? No. No. I went a 30 minute spill about this and that trying to sell myself to someone who is dying to buy into any of the silly shit I say anyway.

B also reminds me: Not to fuck it up. (In a nice way.) (Remember, lessons learned?)

Wasted energy to say the least. What do you do? I mean, I'm just a silly farm girl LIVIN' to be the in the color portion of The Wizard of Oz. Or at least SEE myself on the other side.

Have I told you lately? No. I don't believe I have. I love you. Also, I could've stayed in bed this morning. I could've stayed all pressed against the ghost dog and cuddled with the lone wolf, A.K.A. The Notorious all day long. Not happening. Gotta make the doughnuts.

I really want to be a forest ranger. Yeah, a forest ranger. I blame Sue. Sorry. All day long I have had these fantasies of trekking through woodlands. Holding maimed wildlife. Setting hawks free in the middle of day. Bull shit of that nature. I love bullshit like that. There are probably qualifications that I would need to meet like: setting a broken limb with snake skin and mayonnaise, using fire signals, allowing myself to be in the cold for extended periods of time, learning what the spiders are writing in their webs to warn others about the bad weather. It all sounds like fun. Let's look into knee socks.

That is what I wore yesterday, so dear Angie your birthday knee socks have been out to play and without a sensible guardian. Tragic.

I tore some bread and put them in a basket. I took piece after piece and dropped them. I was grinning when I realized you ate them. : )

Monday, December 14, 2009

Liev Schreiber believes in Santa Claus!

How many times have you had Bing Crosby ask if I know Dancer, and Dasher, and Donner, and Blitzen? Well, quite frankly..... a million. I always reply with no. I do not know these pets. Stop asking. I might be a little bah humbug. I might not be. This is my way of coping with the Christmas season. Put on my happy pants and deal with it? No. If you wanna know, you need to ask. Feelings projected. If you absorb this try to do this with an open mind. And whiskey.

So here I am. trying to be a little more gracious with my thoughts. Er, and actions. Many things whirling. I need an adventure. This is how it is for me. I need excitement to be hurled at me like crazy knifes at the carnival. THAT would be fun. All decked out in something fabulous with fish net stockings on and not feeling like a sausage. I cannot be left alone with my thoughts. I need an entourage. I need to be needed. I need to be the smoke in the tress. I need the thing that creates the smoke in the trees. I need quite a bit.

My biggest compliment? That someone else finds me interesting. You heard it. Someone else besides me thinks I'm interesting!!!! Score one for the barren, unmarried lady!!!! Yeah, I'm also a martyr. Suck it.

At times I feel like we forget about being human. Having faults. Having these cracks in our shells. Forgetting that this may be the unparalleled beauty we all have and should continue to capture. Flesh and blood. Bones. Capillaries. Veins. Organs.
Not robots or computers. A math problem. The only thing we leave out in day to day is forgetting that not everyone thinks the way they do. Or have what they have. Some are poor, but rich in heart. Some are smooth, but rough around the edges. Sometime I forget to tell people I love them. That's so my damage. The formula to figure it out? Is there. I broach the subject to remind myself NOT to forget. Not to forget how I feel. although fleeting, I still feel lonely.

I have a picture in my mind's eye. On a mountaintop. Waiting.

If I had Pandora's box and had an element of control..... What would happen?

Let's be honest. No matter how ugly it is. I never thought my imagination would run so wild. It turns out, I'm very bright.

I had that notion of running out of ground.
Gradual. Deliberate. Thorough. Subtle opportunities. Available. Leisurely foreplay. A purpose metaphor. Embrace the spirit. The tortoise, not the hare. A 1,000 page novel, not a magazine.


Flooded with Briny emotion on a meandering binge.

Embedded in a labyrinth. Of my own creation. Who are on the verge on being too clever for their own good. As cagey a listener. Searching for hidden vulnerability. In other words.... not yourself.

The opposite of what you think you are.

We all want to be filled with truth. Some of the elastic in my knee socks are shot. That's okay. I bought new ones. BUT it's so tough to let go of the old ones. I have taken care of them and they have tried their best to take care of me. We did share precious moments. I hung them on the clothes line and just like that Ladybird had taken them to the Land of Make believe she has somewhere in the hills of Piedmont.

This is dangerous genius. I want to be careful but live with total freedom and leave doubt in the dust. Be completely enveloped in DYNAMIC PARTNERSHIP.

I love you B. I have no clue if you read this. If you do, great. Take care in understanding my words though. Nothing I say should plant anything negative. You love me with a pure heart and I do the same. Who else grins when I act so fragile! My life falls apart and you think it's the cutest thing when I don't get my way! You are a wonderful triathlete when it comes to the art of making me feel perfect. My ocelot in a roomful of muskrats.

The sun came out today and not a moment too soon.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

With or without you

I read a great, encouraging devotion by Dr. Charles Stanley about jealousy. It was an eye opener and such a blessing. You see, I have been having dreams and fits of thoughts that are not productive for me. These treacherous paths make me feel kind of.....less. I don't want to feel this way. At all. I want to have joy. I want to embrace the gifts of life God brings to me. I want to feel his presence. I fall short. All the time. Yet He loves me. God sees me. Through my faults, my dislikes, my heartaches, my happiness, and my jealousy.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37: 4-6 NIV

In the devotion Dr. Stanley discusses how we compare ourselves to others. This is a trap I have been sitting in. This is a trap that steals my joy. This is an affliction that hardens my heart. I felt so convicted reading this I had to share my emotion. I wholeheartedly agree that the consequences are devastating. These fears fill me with doubt. Fill me with fear. Cause me to shut down. I turn into a person who doesn't want to share. As if my cup will not be filled again.

Dr. Stanley continues with stating that confusion, anxiety, and bitterness can flood an envious heart. Just like mine!!! These emotions change me and it is impossible for me to see God's plan for me in view. I cant see the forest for the trees if you will.

What really got my heart was that Dr. Stanley explained it as it dishonors the Lord. I don't want that. At all. Dr. Stanley explained that it was like telling God that "I deserve more than you've provided, and therefore, I don't trust that You truly give me Your best."

I'm keeping this with me. As a reference guide. As a reminder.

Hopefully I can keep my focus.


SO busy trying not to be douchey today. So far so good. Crazy dreams, crazy moods. Funny thoughts about peculiar people and how their googley lives screw me up all to hell. I did stop vomiting in my handbag and moved on to the toilet. Am I growing up? Only partially. I gots goggles on. Er, blinders on. Um, trying to put blinders on. There's not a ton of stuff going on. Started Christmas shopping yesterday. In the rain. Zero panic attacks. All lives around me still intact. I did do a little soul sucking though. I mean, how else am I going to live?

Had an interesting conversation with Mama yesterday. She may have mentioned that I am too hard on people. Maybe ease off. Maybe try to understand how people are not perfect. These people she speaks of are men. I get it. Is it too much to ask for the man in my life to the things other bf's I have been involved with rejected to do? Instead have me figure it out on my own? To have these mentioned afore bf's let all responsibility fall on me? Is it too much to ask a man to help me do shit like change a tire? Or, help me set booby traps for meese? B is the only bf to have ever passed this test. Somehow, I opened my mouth about going to counseling and possibly bringing B along too. THIS is when she offered her motherly advice.

No! I say! I mean that in the nicest way to her. She tells me I have to accept flaws in other people. Well, no thank you lady. Flaws, maybe. Out and out ignoring me and my needs? No. Relying on my 69 year old Daddy to do things? No. Calling church family? Yes. Having your concerned bf WANTING to change said tire and TELLING you not to worry about it? Wonderful. She reminds me to be self reliant. I identify. I know how to be self reliant. I also am not a damsel in distress. But, I'm also human. I need constant help. I usually end up doing things on my own, which is fine.

BUT. I will not be doing things on my own in a realationship. I understand where Mama is coming from. She sees flaws in Daddy that she wishes were not there. Well. I get a second chance in selecting an appropriate partner for MY future. Not one who expects me to do things on my own. Offers to help. Constantly. Not out of guilt or "having to." B wants to. I have yet heard him say, I can't do that. I'm busy. I know our realationship is new. BUT. I also know he busted his ass on our farm all summer long. EVERY TUESDAY. ALWAYS SMILING. B says things like "Let me do that for you." "What do you need?"

A person I doubted. Heavily. I doubted my heart also. Heavily. B has proven his worth and continues to encourage me to embrace mine. Our journey has been short of sorts. In his mind though he has tried to court me for 11 months. Yeah. 11.

My lesson? Is that I will listen to Mama when she tells me things like that. I may not want to, but I will. B won't always tell me yes, but until then he tries like hell. I like that about him. Not giving up. So it puts a hunger in me not to give up also.

Most of you are shaking your head. Some of you are thinking I'm naive. One of you might be making fun of me behind my back. Saying things like wait until you have kids. The honeymoon doesn't last. It doesn't.......and don't I know it.

Please don't forget. I'm a divorced gal. I am a different animal. I am not busy settling either.

Shake your dick at that one.

I love you Angela Puckett White. Hope you read this with a smile.....and let me sit on that heating pad for a while!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Cow Pies!!!

The theme. Yes. The theme. I believe I am half-heartedly caught up. Sounds fabulous and dreamy, no? Yes. It is. Turns out when I have help, I am actually a portion of pleasant to be around. I look more girl-like than zombie-girl-like. Turns out, I am Mother approved. I'm not shocked. Until she finds out I love The Red Sox. IT's twisted. I KNOW it's not baseball season, but it's just around the corner. What's that? New season, new attitude? Although, I ain't a intense Yankee hater. I, am a Yankee lover. A lover of all things remotely cutesy and a lover of drinking beer at ANY sports event. So there. Again, I love The Sox. Hell, I love all things Boston. Or all things from "up there." Hopefully, The Bear is kinda grinnin' and hopefully tappin' them Rockies after work. So sue me already.

B is skiing today. Congratulations. As long as I do not have to look and roll around in ANY snow, I am perfectly happy. Champ and I woke up in matching knee socks and um, matching attitudes. Tiger FREAKED OUT about the doughnut wheel on my car then decidedly peed on it. He said, LOOK BITCHES. THIS IS MY TIRE. FUCK YOU. Okay. Okay. Geez. Just let me make you a martini. Sit down. NO. No. NO. THESE ARE MY SLIPPERS. You can have the tire. Hell, take all four of them. BUT don't bitch when I can't get to work and you have nothing to eat.

I'm lead dog. I have proven this today.

Lady bird. Who resembles a Popsicle...... would like to stay out of the trash cans, BUT with all the temptation, she CAN'T help herself. I say, "Go ahead Punk." "Make my day." Yeah, horse shit just like that. She's busy though. Smiling.

Somehow I am going to get things done at my house today. With B gone and unable to tempt me from dropping everything I need to focus on. I have no excuse. I have to work here. Just call me Cinderella. Moving said Poinsettia......from down low to up high. I am NOT a person who decorates for Christmas. Mama gave me a pretty flower and I CAN'T turn it down. Champ will want to eat it. Not that it tastes good, just for shizzies and giggles......

Er, many things. Panic attacks in Target yesterday to discussing my lady time. Did I mention I cried 3 times? This is why B deserves some kind of medal. BUT LISTEN. He brings it all on himself. He wants to know. He asks extensive questions that I have no answer for. I made up 89% of my answers yesterday. He believed it. Whew. If in doubt, make it sound creative.

I rrrrrrrrreally want to hike Allum Cave. Er, it's gonna be cold and rainy tomorrow so this isn't possible. Plus........................zzzzzzz. B, again, went skiing. So the last thing he would want to do is go hiking. I mean, I really, really, want to hike Allum Cave. It's on my to-do list.

Wellllllllllllllllll, I'm leaving. On a jet plane. Not really. Just gonna simmer in the bath tub and fight the urge to prank call everybody.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

All mixed up

This isn't your favorite 311 song so put down your bong and try to pay attention. We all know the deal I am a deep thinker. Its very difficult for me to carry on a conversation when I have something else on my mind. I become completely withdrawn and I cant hear a word you are saying to me. I absolutely don't mean to push you away. Its how I deal. Its how I come to life in a way. My shell is ridiculous. I see this more and more with B. That's cool. He seems to understand and take note of how I exist. He takes notes of this creature he seems to want to get to know so badly. I set up booby traps unknowingly and freak out. This has become the end of other budding realationships. Or so it seems. Some have no clue how to absorb my personality. They become frustrated with the way I process every movement or possibility. I feel like a rainbow. Beautiful and fleeting. Isn't that how every woman should feel?

Any hooter. Tiger and his buyout bride. What a whore she is turning out to be. I would rather go out in a ball in fucking flames than to be BOUGHT OUT. He wins. The end.

How worthless you have to be to accept your partner cheating. Just so he can continue to "save face." Whore. Both of 'em.

Anyway. Think twice about picking other obsessions over your family and spouse. Save face. Pick them over a game. Pick them over your buddy. This is life. Learn to deal with it.

Love ya.

It's always worth starting from scratch than cheapening your soul. Please keep your 5 million and wipe your ass with it.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I read this verse today as I have been dealing with emotions that have defined me in a time when I need to be thankful and ultimately, happy. Instead of hurt, confused, and angry.

I thank God for his precious word.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

What power.


HE is mighty to save!!! Double yay!

HE takes DELIGHT IN ME!!!! That part made me cry....

HE WILL quiet you WITH HIS LOVE. He did this. For me. Today.

HE WILL REJOICE OVER YOU WITH SINGING. My God, Almighty, rejoices over even me. Little ole me. So thankful.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

It's neither here nor there but I need to get on track.

Ya know, get IT together.

Here's my whiny shit. I need to be adventuring. In forests, in the middle of the day, unaware of night time or panthers about to attack my pitiful flesh. I'm ransacked here people. I miss you. And you too. Thank God for changes. Makes me break into David Bowie. Ch, Ch, Ch, CHANGES!!!! Great song. Great Bowie. I effing love Bowie. He is the sugar in my tea. Gracious.

Great balls of fire. B and I need some changes. I think he could survive on the fact he doesn't know what I might do next. He digs that about me. I dig that about him in return. We as people need change. We crave change. We demand change. We habitually change things ALL the time. On our own. Then we may bitch about said changes. Or the change we wanted just didn't come about. I get it. I take notes about that shit. I adore you even more for these bites.

I toot alot about B.....I think this is a great thing. When you hear over and over about good things, we begin to believe them. These statements turn into our truths. I love them truths. I love to love him baby.

Dreams. Are everywhere. Champ and I have been sleeping toe to nose as usual and I think he had second thoughts about me over the weekend. He slept some on the couch. I climbed on the couch to cuddle like an infant and her favorite doll. It almost made him smile.

Enough bitching. Going SOMEWHERE today. Creating SOMETHING today. With knee socks on.