Sunday, December 20, 2009

Don't push it

I maintain the right to just be happy. However this comes about. If it means loving only one person, other than myself. I don't care about Christmas, as I let that cat out of the bag yesterday. I care about being with the dogs who care for me other than the fact I feed them . To be needed and desires is so precious. I found myself short with B today at the grocery store, when he was only trying to make me happy. This put me in a brooding mood. Which I blamed for lack of coffee. The truth is, I was beating myself up in the car for being snappy, rather than being appreciative. I suck. When we did get home and I had some coffee, I felt much better. B, as always, taking it like a Champ, (no pun intended) told me he knew now to never let me be without coffee. B is loyal. Which I adore. Even when I am being less than to be desired.

He likes my bewildered states. I like that he always tries his best. At every thing.

Conversations with Sue have helped me conclude that I (everyone alive) becomes seasonally depressed. Needing sunlight. Needing to be out of the house, cage, work, prison..... so on and so forth. To break this spell of feeling like hell is, um, disappointing. I love all things outdoors. BUT I hate the cold. To be outside, I must endure the cold. I ask myself, which will win? I hope to start dressing a little smarter and not fearing what someone else may think of me. Get all devil may care on their ass. Sounds fun!!!

I am not eating sweets. I know we hear this all the time from me, but I have to out my foot down. You see, I have a form of body delusion. This is my diagnosis. It's dangerous to me. I beat myself up over eating. I have gained a little weight. Which shouldn't make me hate myself as much as I do.

But I do.

I can eat. But I need to eat well.

And work out. I shouldn't be lazy. I promise to try harder.

So the next time you have doubt, read this. I am holding my body captive as we speak.

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