Wednesday, December 9, 2009


SO busy trying not to be douchey today. So far so good. Crazy dreams, crazy moods. Funny thoughts about peculiar people and how their googley lives screw me up all to hell. I did stop vomiting in my handbag and moved on to the toilet. Am I growing up? Only partially. I gots goggles on. Er, blinders on. Um, trying to put blinders on. There's not a ton of stuff going on. Started Christmas shopping yesterday. In the rain. Zero panic attacks. All lives around me still intact. I did do a little soul sucking though. I mean, how else am I going to live?

Had an interesting conversation with Mama yesterday. She may have mentioned that I am too hard on people. Maybe ease off. Maybe try to understand how people are not perfect. These people she speaks of are men. I get it. Is it too much to ask for the man in my life to the things other bf's I have been involved with rejected to do? Instead have me figure it out on my own? To have these mentioned afore bf's let all responsibility fall on me? Is it too much to ask a man to help me do shit like change a tire? Or, help me set booby traps for meese? B is the only bf to have ever passed this test. Somehow, I opened my mouth about going to counseling and possibly bringing B along too. THIS is when she offered her motherly advice.

No! I say! I mean that in the nicest way to her. She tells me I have to accept flaws in other people. Well, no thank you lady. Flaws, maybe. Out and out ignoring me and my needs? No. Relying on my 69 year old Daddy to do things? No. Calling church family? Yes. Having your concerned bf WANTING to change said tire and TELLING you not to worry about it? Wonderful. She reminds me to be self reliant. I identify. I know how to be self reliant. I also am not a damsel in distress. But, I'm also human. I need constant help. I usually end up doing things on my own, which is fine.

BUT. I will not be doing things on my own in a realationship. I understand where Mama is coming from. She sees flaws in Daddy that she wishes were not there. Well. I get a second chance in selecting an appropriate partner for MY future. Not one who expects me to do things on my own. Offers to help. Constantly. Not out of guilt or "having to." B wants to. I have yet heard him say, I can't do that. I'm busy. I know our realationship is new. BUT. I also know he busted his ass on our farm all summer long. EVERY TUESDAY. ALWAYS SMILING. B says things like "Let me do that for you." "What do you need?"

A person I doubted. Heavily. I doubted my heart also. Heavily. B has proven his worth and continues to encourage me to embrace mine. Our journey has been short of sorts. In his mind though he has tried to court me for 11 months. Yeah. 11.

My lesson? Is that I will listen to Mama when she tells me things like that. I may not want to, but I will. B won't always tell me yes, but until then he tries like hell. I like that about him. Not giving up. So it puts a hunger in me not to give up also.

Most of you are shaking your head. Some of you are thinking I'm naive. One of you might be making fun of me behind my back. Saying things like wait until you have kids. The honeymoon doesn't last. It doesn't.......and don't I know it.

Please don't forget. I'm a divorced gal. I am a different animal. I am not busy settling either.

Shake your dick at that one.

I love you Angela Puckett White. Hope you read this with a smile.....and let me sit on that heating pad for a while!

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