Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Illegal Move

Wouldn't it be nice? Well yes, Beach Boys. It would. It would be nice if poof, I didn't feel so traumatized and terrified of the Christmas Holidays, the anxiety level I get when in crowds of people, and yes, it would be nice if I could just surrender and submit. This isn't my nature Beach Boys! It just isn't. Things might be easier if B and I lived together. I would have help with the dogs. I would feel a little less anxious about finances. Maybe.

Except for the trust issues I have. Except for passing by my ex-husband last night in the mall.

He wasn't far away.

The mall was packed full.

He walked RIGHT BY ME.

We made eye contact.

It wasn't like he was on the other side.

He walked RIGHT by me.

I didn't look back.

I survived.

This has followed with terrible nightmares last night, raging insecurities, I'm afraid I'm just pushing B away. I don't want to be left again.

I don't.

Did I mention he walked right by me?

The last time I saw him was in '07. At a bank. With Angie and Abs.

It was horror.

B. Gah. B. He was perfect. He looked more hurt than me.

So here we are. B and I. Dealing with life as it comes AFTER us. Good thing is, is that he's supportive, and vice versa. So it STILL turns out my life is different than yours. Again, you should probably be jealous. My old self would be.

I'm also in love with Andy Griffith. So every time I speak to anyone I am just going to imagine I am speaking to him. That may work. This is my fix. My coping mechanism.

Wish me luck!!!! : )

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