Monday, December 28, 2009

GO ahead, call Pastor Bob!!!!

Nothing lost, nothing gained. These two things I enjoy. I'm just a bit tired. Really for no reason. I think I may just need a kick in the pants or just have summer to be here already. I want to be hiking like a mad lady, and I suppose we could go tomorrow except it's going to be extra chilly and this just can't happen. (I also don't have the best gloves)I am pushing myself hard to go to pilates tonight and I have to say I am struggling. I want to go. I really do. Once I am there, I enjoy myself. I did push ups on the ball last night, which is hard as heck but so worth it.

I had stopped by my parent's yesterday and had eaten 3 peanut butter cups and this oreo candy ball thing in the 5 minutes that I was there. Mama asked me to stay for a while, but I couldn't. Not with those peanut butter cups staring at me. I kept thinking to myself, do I eat this? Turns out the answer was yes every time. I can't continually do this. I just can't. I feel so guilty and so bad, and I become so defeated that I can't allow it. Pleasure is fleeting....... even in the world of food.

We all need fuel. I need constant fuel. I eat around 6 small meals a day. Mostly things quick and convenient. I drink my allotment of a million gallons of water a day. I do. This equals consistent bathroom trips, but it also battles that water weight that plagues me.

Blah. New year. New you. This could be true and not only in fairy tales. I am looking forward to a little bit of rejuvenation. Not sleep. Because apparently sleep is for the weak. I have many examples and many women to look up to for this comparison. Looking for mind renewal and better balance. Trying to find my new glitch and leaving all this unnecessary bullshit behind.

Fingers crossed.

So Jme is home and of course there has been plans of world domination and things of that nature. Is this positive? Yes. As far as I'm concerned. We had a great conversation that I would like to share. We discussed jealousy. Which everyone experiences. Which is common. It all started with talking about breast feeding. Really? Between two women who are not pregnant, nor becoming pregnant in the near future. Jme told me about being persecuted about not wanting to breast feed. She was also in the middle of several married/newlywed/new parents/ladies who have older children/women who like to pick fights for no reason/ladies who lost their fucking minds because their worlds have become so small. Call me judgemental, but this is my best friend who has experienced many struggles and like everyone else every now and then feels persecuted and outed because she's not in the world procreating and bitching about it. I took her by the hand and said Jme, I understand. One individual (Oh, to be a fly on the wall for this) had the gall to call her a bad mother. Jme looked at her and told her she wasn't a mother yet. ( my example of some one's SMALL world and narrow minded perspective.) I said, puh-leese, Woo. The next time you are with this firing squad, maybe you could brag about being able to leave your house without asking your husband to "baby-sit" y'all's child or children that you all had together.

Put that on your tit and suck it. BEEEATCHES.

Back to the subject at hand. She asked me if I thought we were jealous because we didn't have that going on in our lives just yet. I said maybe. I don't think that's all of it, I just feel like everyone else may have a great life in which they constantly bitch about. I told her that these folks have made their choices, and bringing their own judgements, (or lack of) about what you want out of your life doesn't mean it has to remotely stand up to what they have made the choice to do. Further more, I'm sure most of your married/pregnant Nazi's you know have made horrible choices for themselves and want to pass judgement on you for no reason, is their issue, not yours.

Jealous? Not jealous of them, but the idea of what could happen for us in the future. (So don't ruin it for us friends! We have the power to make different decisions!!!)

So holla @ me if this makes you mad, but breast feeding isn't on the top of mine and Jme's to do list. She's an inspiring, teaching mad house of a Pastor. Jme's goals are to keep on truckin', and focus on Christ. Which is what I should be doing.

Jme made a great point, in the bible it teaches us to solely rely on God. Focus on His path. The bible actually teaches us to put everyone else, including our children and spouse's last and to put Him first. In all actuality the bible teaches us to want to be single, and that having spouse's and children are choices.

Check that word again. Choice.

Radical? No. Just Southern Baptist and opinionated.

Of course I told B about this conversation and he asked if I had a pen and paper. I grabbed my journal out of my purse and said "Have at it." He said, "Talk slow, I want to get this down." I laughed and hugged that boy and told him I loved him for wanting to know. Things change. People change. B is pretty solid though. Solid in his thinking. I see him constantly trying to be good to me, my pets, (even the step brothers) to my family, B is consistent. This is one of the traits in him that I admire. B always follows through. Even when it's tough. Not to toot his horn so loudly, but TOOT!!!!! B is a right choice for me, and my life. When feeling hard to please and out of control, he describes me as being particular and knowing what I want. BUT totally understanding that what I want MAY change at any given second. He seems to eat it up like a fat kid eating cake....... (Toot again)

This is me thankful and not jealous. (Take a picture, it'll last longer.)

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