Thursday, October 28, 2010

Idle Idol

Turns out I have quite a bit on my heart today and it came out through my eyes. I had a very tight chest and poured it all out of the pitcher known as my heart. It was a great moment. You know those times after you just admit what has you all a tizzle, and you feel better? As in feeling better in quantum measurements? Yeah, it was that awesome. Let's rehash some things here. Let's start with dreams as of late. I have dreamed about bears, invisible man, boats. Maybe not in that order and not at the same time either, but I have dreamed all of these interesting dreams. Apparently I have also created a shoe fetish that arrived this week also. Very strange. The whole shoe thing has made me go into heat in some respect there. I really want to buy things. I also really want to decorate and paint. At the bookstore/antique store and listen to funk for a while. I want to become the unexpected. It felt just like that time my heart was broken into a million pieces and I had to figure out how to heal. It felt like when I told Jme that she was a cheater and a cheatee and that was probably confusing all in itself. I suppose it's self-reflection. I suppose it's self-awareness, but whatever it is, it turns into almost a melancholy moment. I took a picture of a tree in the dark this morning. It was neat. It was right by the outside light, and just enough of it turned out. It was good enough for me. There are a few words that have been calling out to me, love is one. Love yourself, love others, love always. Love and the world can see God in you.

Negativity is born in the gap where love has been excluded. Gaps occur in places where we are afraid to see ourselves. - Deepak Chopra

I like that, and can believe that. Remember the post about Uz? I still feel like I might be at the outskirts of Uz. Uz is that place we have to remember where we were in order to keep on going. Fighting that good fight, if you will.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Seasons change

And so do we. Drastically it seems when we dare to look back. Gr. I hope you are well, because I am. There's much to discuss today. I'm still reading. I'm still writing. I had a stroke of genius on Thursday, and now it's hidden under the covers - cough due to cold is the diagnosis. That's okay, genius, feel better, then we can air it all out later. Um, where to start? I did un-Sunday things yesterday, that made the day go by. I cleaned out the smokehouse. I arranged the vines around the smokehouse, raked. Almost, spray painted things. Then, got scared. I really hate that. I was more scared of the wasps around the area I wanted to do projects with yesterday. That's reasonable fear. Especially since United Medical and St. Mary's can't come to an agreeable contract, and the closest ER would be Morristown or Knoxville. I am unbelievably susceptible to allergies right now, I decided to not tempt being stung. And dying. and that's no joke. But I guess you cant put a price on your health. B and I are doing the Cherohala tomorrow. B and I are on the same page right now with hating living apart, we live separate physical lives, and most of the time you have to be married to live that kind of life! Laugh, that was a joke, but a honest joke. I wouldnt describe our realationship as dramatic and dry. I would describe it as real as it can get. We see each others insecurities and we both have decided we can live with those. We accept that life can change, we can change, but hopefully we wont smother each other to death and eventually push each other apart. We see it too often, and to be honest, it hits the front porch more than we can admit. You see, I know that B could just leave. Maybe this is something you dont think about because it hurts, or it's uncomfortable, but the more you realize bad things can happen, the more open you can be. At least, this has been my experience. I think when you talk about the bad and the good, the more open you can be with everyone. One thing I like about B is he comes through. No matter what. I dont see this as a quality that will fade with me, because B is this way with everyone. That's admirable. Don't get me wrong, there's going to be times when we let each other down, intentionally or not, but it will happen. The sooner we accept each other for the way each other are, the better off we will be in our realationship. We dont have to be perfect, but we both cant be with people we want to change. Trying to change someone is madness, and wishing your life away isnt healthy either. Instead of hoping for the future, B and I are going to live in it. Separate or not. It's just that easy, and just that complicated too. I didnt go to church, I havent went in 2 weeks. I miss our church in Knoxville. Plain truth is, I wanted to sleep. Plain truth is, I wanted to stay home and enjoy the nice weather. So I did with the dogs. We layed in the sun. We walked. We took pictures. LBD layed on my back like a backpack. She's full of sorcery, that one. We cleaned the shower curtain. Eventually we slept like rocks. Then it was morning.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

One chick, two chick, and a fox.

alright kiddos. I think I have some things on my mind that are just blowin' my skirt up. For one, I laid in bed like a crazy zombie with a belly ache and slept in a tormented fit all night long. It was the longest night. I would fall asleep for minutes, just to wake up to stare at the clock. Champ kept his head buried in my shoulder, which wasn't an issue, but I still felt ornery. I accepted my penance at 3, and just wollered in my own depravity. It was a stinker. I suppose one of the reasons, as I stated earlier, is that I was unable to sleep like a little lamb last night could be my stomach hurt like a hurricane. I mean, it really hurt! Oh, it was awful. I did see a PERFECT owl last night, right next to my door on a electric wire. It was amazing, and rare to see. I liked Angie's way of describing this owl as her Daddy looking over me. That must have been the reason I was not terrified of all the darkness I was standing in, with only my flashlight. Switching gears here, I'm just talking this one out, I feel incomplete. I feel, lacking. I feel clues though. Where I need to go. Trying, just listening. Nothing special, but here I am feeling around on the forest floor. I had this idea. I had an idea that I'm not ready to share. I DID have this other idea, that I will share. It's more of a photography idea. Since my kindred spirit of a wonderful friend is getting back into some grooves of her own, and since she adores and is the shiza of portrait photography, I thought about contrasts. Deep pool. Deep pool. One, stripped down. One, PIMPED. Like making use of Halloween eyelashes purchased on clearance last year. I figured I would just bring it all to the table, and see if anyone had any comments to add. I found a blog that is so awesome. It's a personal adventure blog. And this person is local. Plus, this person gives details and how to's. I think it's genius, it also is making me google places I never thought of. So peekaboo. There it is. He also mentions water socks. Which makes me nanners. Anyway, the way the blog is set up, he also takes open format questions. And he answers!
(I get real random right here, so bear with me....)
Awesome! I have also been asked to take a challenge from a friend who is a Beach body coach. Which is neat. Which is also funny, since I'm in this conundrum anyway, about fitness. Basically, my fitness. I'm just trying to rearrange. Plus, there's a reason for all this beautiful weather we are having. And repeat after me, I HATE SUGAR. This, needs to be my mantra. I know, I know, one week, I'm on, the next month, I'm almost off the crap, then, like magic, I become dependant once again. I need to make up my mind. Oh, did I mention that my Daddy has almost all of the farm bush hogged? This is awesome. This also gives me prime opportunity to spend more time outside. And, to carry a knife. I always try to carry a weapon when out. Even at home. I also wear this bandanna like I'm Rambo. Alright. That's it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My 12 steps to recovery.

There's a long list in my head today, make that everyday for that matter. This lists excludes and includes a myriad of this and that. My list is maddening. My list, prepares me for the best and the worst situation, the best or the worst me moments that seem to ride piggyback more than I allow to admit. That word, recovery, is the thing I am working toward. Accepting all things that have a worthy minute to resonate in my life. Still reading Pete Wilson, Plan B, the more I feel that iceberg a movin'. Sometimes that iceberg is strangely my heart, on occasion, the iceberg is that rotten growth called forgiveness. Where am I ? Most of the time in my happy place, which is outside. I took several walks yesterday. I saw a total of 10 deer. They were all at my house, and in a time span of 7:30am to 5:00pm. It was fantastic. I sat on rocks. I let the dogs run wild. I walked, and walked, and walked. I sat nose to nose with all of the dogs, and the step brothers too. They follow you like beggars, which I didnt mind yesterday, it was the squalling and gnashing of teeth that I surely didnt appreciate. That's okay, they each slaughtered chipmunks and moles in my presence, and shortly after, they told me I could go on without them. Gosh. We sat in the grass and watched the sun. We were wild like kids bucking through the field. It was freedom. I dont know where you are, but Im in a strange place that is no longer Uz. Uz is a real place that scholars believe is what we now know as Israel. Uz is a place where there will be a place, not just from where suffering comes, but where it comes without warning and without explanation, creating confusion and despair. Just like Job. What a relief and a praise that I am not there at this point. Uz is in the rear view, and I feel like I am not the only one. You see, the time we live in, there are many people suffering. Suffering is not easy, not meant for the weak. Or so I thought. Suffering sometimes has to be necessary in order to get to the places we long to be. The sunshine. In the arms of our beloved. Uz, is a place to grow in effect. To be vital, sometimes those painful places are where we have to go, where we have to be in order to be the most effective. It doesn't mean God loves us any less, or we have done anything wrong. It just means, we have to cling to our faith, our God, who will never leave our side. Even in grief and suffering. Just because I have left Uz, doesn't mean I may not ever have to visit again. In fact, it means that the coming and going of Uz is one of the few things guaranteed. Take comfort though, lamb, doing good, thinking good, and hoping for good is great, but it does not guard against your trapdoor from coming undone. Those things listed also doesn't mean that makes you a wonderful Christian. Which is something I had heard all my life, do all these good things, and good things will come to you. I guess as I have grown, and I'm older, I can understand that fallacy now. I can understand that it's not about being good or bad, it's about being able to be that vessel for God to use you for His glory. Which is what trials, are all about. Becoming useful vessels for the Lord Jesus Christ.

Remember, I love you, and the list keeps coming, I just have to sort them out and say things like "Eureka!", and so on and so forth. Oh, and write that crap down. Definitely.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I sit in my hippie clothes.

Remember how Cat Stevens reminded us how it's a wild world? Well, more and more is he right. There is a lot on my plate right now. On my heart. On my agenda. I'm trying to work all these things out. I'm moving into a new season is the only way to explain how it all makes me feel and move. I am craving vegetables, and the more earthy they taste, the more I want of them. I want beets for goodness sake. That very statement doesn't make very much sense! Last night I went to the store to pick a rotisserie chicken I had thought about all day, I ran into a woman from my home church. She is hilarious. She is a gentle spirit. She is a woman much to look up to. And I have, and I still do. Kathy is partially deaf, and makes no bones about it. She told me last night that I am patient, and I don't ever raise my voice to her, because she reads lips. She told me that most people raise their voice, and volume isn't her issue, it's trying to read the fast moving lips! Anyhooter, I love that woman! Instead of trying to understand what to do with myself these days, I am just doing what I prompted to do. I am trying to be more obedient to God, and remembering that doing this makes life exceptionally easier. I don't have to fit into anyone else's plan, I just have to fit into God's plan for me! That leaves me off the hook. This means, the pressure isn't on myself, it doesn't fall on God either, because He is all knowing, and will guide me to the places He wants me to go. So now I'm all relieved. At least for now, until the crazy, human part of me tries to steal the reigns once again. The most comforting thing of all? Is that God is with us, no matter the circumstance. Read that part out loud. God is with us no matter the circumstance. I hope that brings you comfort, because I just want to spread it like wildfire. We just have to let The Holy Spirit in, we have to surrender our pitiful will to the God that created us. The more you let go, the better it feels. My body feels incredible. The stress is gone. I suppose that's why my body is craving food from the earth, and not anything artificial. Maybe being more in tune is helping every aspect, at least that's what I will carry with me. I hope you have a great weekend. You know me, I'm gonna be bizzy, but never to bizzy to talk if you need to....

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Jacob's Ladder

As we all know there are times in our lives where we have to drop the act and just ask ourselves; What the deuce? What the deuce is going on here? How the deuce did I get here? And the most famous, Who the deuce died and made you king of it all? Sure, there are days I am completely disoriented about real life. I Spackle it and contort it until it looks like something I can try to discuss with another human being about. At least, maybe in my mind I am a person I can be proud of. Scratch that. I'm always a person that I can be proud of, and I aint responsible for anyone else. All in all, it still doesnt stop me from saying; What the deuce about it all!

Can I mention how I am trying to cut everyone else some slack too? My dogma doesnt ride on anyone else but me, so I need to let go. Control isn't mine, it never has been, it never will be. I have an incredible feller who loves me. Even when I let it out on him. We talk. I mean, we taaaaalk. He listens even though he has every right to tune out, because believe it or not, I like to express my opinion into the ground. Or mud. And beat it to pieces. To oblivion. B likes that. He describes that part of me as 'passionate.' That's flattering! It's a fault, but he seems to like that fault! Hey, no complaints here friends.

I have a story about a raccoon. And a mole. And a Ladybird. And a Babylove and a Mr. Kitty. The latter 2 are in major trouble with not taking care of said mole. You would think Ladybird would haul off and chase said raccoon. But no. No beuno. No. LBD lets that raccoon take a bath in her water, and I think that psychopath likes the thing. Which makes NO sense. Back to not keeping score, as long as the mole, raccoon, and my children dont get into scuffles, there's not much I can do. Except set traps. And that's what Im gonna do! I just have to find some humane traps for the mole, and said raccoon, and hope the brothers don't get caught in the traps! Those 3 haven't won any awards, but I haven't either, but between the gang of us, surely we can figure it out.

With fall here, there is so much work to be done. Never count out personal grooming. As in our minds and bodies. Both are so neglected, there's no surprise to me how worn down we are. As a culture, as just people. I read our Pastor's blog this morning, he is on a trip to Costa Rica for a leadership conference. pastor Chris discussed a book he is reading, and now of course, I want to read as well. It's called The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel. It's the questions that PC was asking in the blog that has me wanting to read the book, and it also leads me back to the book I am reading now. Plan B by Pete Wilson. Anyhooter, back to PC's blog. The Holy Spirit jumped from the page as I read the following questions, and confirmed that God is here. The first question is: Where are you struggling to trust Him? That one got me right in the gut. It made me bijiggity. The next one is: What area do you need Him to move? And, the final: If you fully trusted Him with everything, what would you try that you are holding back right now? I cannot specifically answer all 3, but the first one especially laid witness to me. Back to Plan B, Pete Wilson brought up a scripture I have been sitting on for the past week. It's Matthew 6:25-27.

25 "So I tell you, don't worry (be anxious) about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes."

26 "Look at the birds in the air. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know you are worth much more than the birds."

27 "You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it."

Jesus wants us to not worry about obvious things, and this morning, I got to hear exactly what He has asked me to hear for long while. It was an "AHA!" moment for me. As for the other 2 questions, I need time to pray on those. I am trying to be honest to myself, instead of pushing it down and damaging me. I'm just me, being me.

My action plan is to try to stop comparing myself to the Jones', not berate what is or isnt happening, and just trying to enjoy this time in my life. Nothing is wrong, I have just created everything to be wrong, and Jesus doesnt want me or you to live this way. Besides, I am one of His bird's.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Mountain Kitty Arise!

I want to paint everything in my house white. Is that weird?

We saw HUGE bear prints in the woods yesterday. We saw a TON of bear scat too.

Which we turned around since the prints were FRESH.

Even small bears are huge.

Um, we even saw a paw print of a mountain kitty.

I was scared, and excited all at the same time.

It was fun!

Monday, October 4, 2010


I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard. The past few months have been hard. I have been wrestling with a girl I would like to admit I do not know. Sunday, I kinda hit a wall. I wrote a text to Sue that stated I felt like Bruce in "Dancin' in the Dark." I then heard "All Apologies" and felt even more cathartic. Rewind though. Saturday. Saturday was alright. Actually, it was more than alright. I heard a voice mail from Angie that I desperately needed to hear. I watched my 8 year old nephew play soccer. I sat out in the sun with Mama and Hay. Hay and I listened to music together with her ipod. Hay encouraged her brother during the whole game. We talked. Or we didnt. It was really nice. I felt something in me I hadnt really allowed myself to feel in a long time. I felt content. I let a lot of walls down. I allowed myself to. It was a step.

I wrote this in my journal last night. It sounds like a prayer, but it really is confession.

You know Lord, I have been confused. I need to be heard. Validated. Lately, I havent felt like much of anything. I wondered where you were. I accused you of leaving. I believed the world, rather than what you have taught me. Which has proved harder punishment. I am burdened with life alone. At 18, it was okay to be living alone. Self sufficient. At 23, I was still living alone, but had a dog. Then, at 25, I got married. Convinced I would never be alone again. Then, at 28, I was left. I was left to scream, cry, vent. I was also led back to you. I am thankful for coming back and having anew understanding about you. I heard you everywhere. I saw you everywhere.

I read something today though. It really scared me, by the way. I read that if you live on your own, youre twice as likely to have a heart attack. True, this was a study in a magazine, but it still scared me. You see, I live a pretty healthy life. I eat well, I exercise. I used to exercise daily. I had a great outlook on life. I was optimistic. Fearless. I felt great.

then the bottom dropped out.

But now I dont. I work alone, I live alone. I stopped overindulging in the internet because I see it as a thing that isnt a true need. I found some new triggers that bothered my allergies. I have learned to listen to my body. I am working on not binge eating. I have been going to see actual doctors and not relying on my own homemade remedies. I have learned to trust some of these doctors advice to certain extent.

I have watched Dr. Cathy be on the edge of death too. A person who strives to be at her personal best, no matter what. I admire her. I also see changes in her, that inspire me.

When I do feel extremely sick and done. I think of her. Or any other woman I know who just goes on for the greater good of herself. Giving up isnt an option. Neither is Hollywood cemetery.

Im getting back.

You see, Im dangerous when Im quiet. Im deadly to myself when left to my own devices.

this is my cry out.

This winter, I am embracing the cold. Im going to learn to ski this year. Tomorrow, B and I are going hiking. I want to find a good one. You see, Im a hiking fanatic. I love it. I know a lot about it. I could hike all the time if plausible. One thing I feel incredible about is the day B and I went hiking with some of his buddies. We stopped to get patches. Im not that kind of hiker. I just journal it. B laughed and said that I would have to buy the whole rack of patches sinceI had done almost all of those hikes. That, was validation. That told me that B knows I have experience, and I still dont listen to his rules. I have my own. Im ready to hike. I like the animal I am when Im out doors. I need to embrace the winter and try to get to know her, instead of giving her the cold shoulder so to speak. I love B, and he enjoys winter, so I cant be closed off from being open to any new experiences. Lord, thank you for giving me B. Continue to instill in me understanding to work with him, because you wouldnt put us together if you didnt want to bless us. Amen.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Jordan River

Still trying. Still reaching for understanding. Here I am, at the Jordan River. Along with Joshua. Why I struggle is very clear. The reason why is coming together. Sometimes we have to lose to gain. At what point can I just say, I can't lose any more? I am healthy. I am thankful. It's all this Titanic bull I can't seem to comprehend. What's the real story? Heavenly motivation has to come before earthly motivation. Did we hit the iceberg? Was it seen beforehand? Did no one care to ring the bell? All I know for sure, is I have to take some steps, but these steps are completely not my design, and as usual, not by my choice. All I need to hear, is His voice. Faith is huge. I devote my life to it. At least trying like crazy to.