Monday, October 18, 2010

My 12 steps to recovery.

There's a long list in my head today, make that everyday for that matter. This lists excludes and includes a myriad of this and that. My list is maddening. My list, prepares me for the best and the worst situation, the best or the worst me moments that seem to ride piggyback more than I allow to admit. That word, recovery, is the thing I am working toward. Accepting all things that have a worthy minute to resonate in my life. Still reading Pete Wilson, Plan B, the more I feel that iceberg a movin'. Sometimes that iceberg is strangely my heart, on occasion, the iceberg is that rotten growth called forgiveness. Where am I ? Most of the time in my happy place, which is outside. I took several walks yesterday. I saw a total of 10 deer. They were all at my house, and in a time span of 7:30am to 5:00pm. It was fantastic. I sat on rocks. I let the dogs run wild. I walked, and walked, and walked. I sat nose to nose with all of the dogs, and the step brothers too. They follow you like beggars, which I didnt mind yesterday, it was the squalling and gnashing of teeth that I surely didnt appreciate. That's okay, they each slaughtered chipmunks and moles in my presence, and shortly after, they told me I could go on without them. Gosh. We sat in the grass and watched the sun. We were wild like kids bucking through the field. It was freedom. I dont know where you are, but Im in a strange place that is no longer Uz. Uz is a real place that scholars believe is what we now know as Israel. Uz is a place where there will be a place, not just from where suffering comes, but where it comes without warning and without explanation, creating confusion and despair. Just like Job. What a relief and a praise that I am not there at this point. Uz is in the rear view, and I feel like I am not the only one. You see, the time we live in, there are many people suffering. Suffering is not easy, not meant for the weak. Or so I thought. Suffering sometimes has to be necessary in order to get to the places we long to be. The sunshine. In the arms of our beloved. Uz, is a place to grow in effect. To be vital, sometimes those painful places are where we have to go, where we have to be in order to be the most effective. It doesn't mean God loves us any less, or we have done anything wrong. It just means, we have to cling to our faith, our God, who will never leave our side. Even in grief and suffering. Just because I have left Uz, doesn't mean I may not ever have to visit again. In fact, it means that the coming and going of Uz is one of the few things guaranteed. Take comfort though, lamb, doing good, thinking good, and hoping for good is great, but it does not guard against your trapdoor from coming undone. Those things listed also doesn't mean that makes you a wonderful Christian. Which is something I had heard all my life, do all these good things, and good things will come to you. I guess as I have grown, and I'm older, I can understand that fallacy now. I can understand that it's not about being good or bad, it's about being able to be that vessel for God to use you for His glory. Which is what trials, are all about. Becoming useful vessels for the Lord Jesus Christ.

Remember, I love you, and the list keeps coming, I just have to sort them out and say things like "Eureka!", and so on and so forth. Oh, and write that crap down. Definitely.

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