Thursday, December 8, 2011

Counsil

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Where did all this guilt come from? Did I make it up? Is it projected on me, through no fault of my own? I'm not really sure, but if you know the answer - THEN DO TELL. This is not a subject reserved for pillow fights clad in pj's late night confession driven by compulsion. This is an honest question, and I think it's a fine time for an honest answer. True, no one is perfect and no one has it together. When is enough, enough already? Um, not sure.

Guilt is one of those romantic things that I apparently am swept away in.

Please let this flood pass already.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Dogs.

Dogs are my role models. The end.

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Game of Life - 32

No guarantees. Is what we can expect out of life. Especially when it comes to love. I believe in loving who you want, for who they are, for the meat of the person. There are times when we can't explain our emotions. Even in those dark waters, we are just people. Flesh and bone. Sometimes, afraid. Out of reach, out of touch, and stubborn to explain. Our hearts break apart, break open, and become hard as rocks if we are not too careful. My secret for today? I want to be living in Knoxville. I want to be alive instead of fumbling in the darkness and afraid of the bibles thrown at me. Commit it in your heart, and it's already just as good as done.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Twitches of Conviction

Inalienable truth, we desire lives, love, and crave humility in order to feel important. It's been a long time, I know, but not in my journal. A whole lot of nothing and everything happening at once. What comfort! Nothing and everything embraced in a dance of ambiguity.

Bear with me, this is where I am.
Right where you left me.

We must make ourselves indigestible. How do I do this? Organize the poor on your side. Train them. Give them your arms. Let go. Fall in. Soak up, my sponge. It's okay if whatever is said. It's done. Don't go your way. Your way may be disaster. Your way may not turn out. This may be the happening and turn out to be your crowning achievement. There are many not as fortunate. And, who better than to be their friend? Tough as nails. Fragile as it goes. Smile through the rain. I'm makin' it over and over again. She ain't given up on me, and I ain't given up on her. No one could accuse us of livin' fast. Cause we lived as honest and as pure as possible. That knot in your belly is just a warning that you are gettin' tougher. Don't give up that fire in your insides and I know it hurts. Take the pressure off yourself and forgive what you can't control. I'm a wild one, hard to beat. Give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Take me as I am. Strong. We all want to be the person that makes another's jaw drop. Do it for you, resilient bird.

In the words of Waylon, heavy on me today:

If you see me gettin' smaller, I'm leavin', don't be grieving.
Just got to get away from here.
If you see me gettin' smaller,
Don't worry, I'm in no hurry,
I've got the right to disappear.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Hrm.

Lots goin' on here folks. Getting car back today, can't wait, it's gonna be fancy, and I will be in love. B and I had a fanTASTIC Wednesday. We laid low. We laid high. We people watched. We made breakfast, and planned to not have any plans. We wandered through an antique store, which really looked like my house but a touch more organized. Found an anchor with an old chain that I am still thinking about. It was rusty, old, and I bet tasted like salt. Not that I would taste said anchor, but I bet it woooould taste like salt. I opened up to B which felt pretty doggone good. I'm not exactly the "opening up" type. You see, this is a product of rejection. Rejection is one of thos things that can't be avoided. It's a natural product of life, and is a helper to bring us to the neccesary places we are supposed to be at.

It's always the same and that's just a shame, that's all. That's all. Phil Collins has a lot of great points. I should listen to him more. Day to day got you down? Me too. Working hard at getting away from it all. While other's wives live on "daddy's" money, I actually make a living. I'm thankful for that position, although, there are far too many who make it look easy living in debt. Ah. It's their debt at least. Many things to look forward to, the beach, more time with B, wedding, going to Sue's. I'm excited. I can't forget that life is really all about me. That last part was a little rich, but I have the skills to pay the bills, the stuff to back it up. So sue me.

Reflective is where you find me. Breaking through these windows you swore were closed. Banging on the doors that supposedly were locked. This is us. This is where we are, and it aint so bad. Dog pile, cuddle blanket. Sewing pillows and forgetting about the rough seas. Flea marketing, repurposing and forgetting. Me likey. But don't worry about me, because I'm doing great! Just worry about yourself, and the rest will be easy. That advice will never let you down!

Is "juicing" a lifestyle? Think about it.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Chocolate!

I'm obsessed with chasing happiness. And doughnuts. Which are one and the same.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Kenny Chesney

I'm just going to spell it out here. Burn out. A topic so exponentially toxic and horrible that no one enjoys facing or experiencing. B and I have IT. We have burnout. Not with each other, because when we actually have time together we are traveling, crunching in so many activities we want to to do together that we don't have a chance to even focus on just hanging out. We are both beyond burned out with our jobs. Living just shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't. I'm wishing for something dramatic to happen so things can change for the both of us. I can't stand that we just have to "hang in." What if we can't? What if it's all too much? No one discusses when it's all too much. I read about Brandon Marshall this morning. The football player came out and has told everyone about Borderline Personality Disorder. Which he has, and I applaud a person for admitting, "Hey, I need help, " and "Hey, something isn't right." Mr. Marshall, I'm proud of you. For having the gumption instead of wavering and waiting, to stand up and say there's a problem here. This may be mine and B's solution. We have to tell someone. I suppose my first step is telling you. Times are way too tough to be hanging out on a line by ourselves. Wednesday may be our laying low day. It may have to be, punching in and out of these time lines we have are wearing us thin. Thank God we have each other to cling to.

Monday, July 25, 2011

First Listen.

Which feels impossible. I'm horrible when it comes to actually listening. I'm not sure why. B would look at the family tree. No one is pointing fingers though. It's pretty serious when every day feels like an uphill battle and all you do is daydream about is jumping into a mountain swimming hole while you drone it up at work. That's right, I said it. Drone it up. Just another worker bee on the fringe. Friday was helpful, to go out with J and R. Relax a little bit and not fuss over the details. Or worry what the significant other may be up to, or being afraid of getting in trouble with them. I use that term loosely. Getting in trouble, but I think anyone with a pulse and has had any kind of experience with any kind of relationship can testify. I even thought I looked pretty. Actually, all three of us gals looked beautiful. Congratulations to me though for not sucking down shots. Mainly because I was worried about falling and showing my rear to the Knoxville area. S and I were talking about how much we missed The Underground last week, and it made me miss it even more when we didn't go dancing. That's okay. I wore a lot of white tanks and saggy shorts when I was in Underground mode. Never a dress and sweet heels. That's okay though. Who made who? I made me. Not in that all knowing sense, but I made me dress up. That's right. I'm the gal making decisions around here. Not the man behind the curtain.


Back to Friday, it was uber relaxing. Maybe because school isn't in and I was surrounded by mainly people our age. I wasn't measuring up to any gal at Half-Barrel. Which I suggest you avoid, unless you know, you might be under 25. That's a past experience, but hand in hand, it sure fits right in.





B told me great news concerning our future. Which has been a bit of a confidence builder this morning. Yay!

Saturday. B and I hiked Rainbow Falls and it was beautiful. Except it was hot as the devil's rear end outside. It was a moderately difficult trail, but worth it. Lots of waterfalls, as expected, unbelievable ferns, welcoming moss along the forest floor. And, LOTS of mushrooms. The Smurf's never had it so good, let me tell ya. We started late but with the summer months it isn't as damning to start so late in the day. Plenty of daylight, but what you always need is plenty of water. I sweated like a dude on Saturday, partly due to the fact I had alcohol pouring out of my pores also. I felt like a pro, partying it up Friday night and then going out on a long hike the next day.

But, I'm uber tired today. I had nightmares and trouble falling asleep, but mainly trouble staying asleep. I also got into reading a book about grief and I guess that was the answer to all that multiplies anxiety. Greeting me not to sleep so well? Who knows, but I had a great weekend and it was worth it!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Smartwater

We really have a need for a rhythm of life. I think we all do. We all crave not monotony, not even schedule, but some kind of sameness. Something to count on. Although no one is going to experience the same thing, I do believe we all get to take advantage of what is possible. Unlike some of these sensibilities we crave, downright need, the world loves to take that away from us. Our deep cravings of closeness and desire of a normal rhythm is unbelievably important. We wouldn't all be so hungry for it, if this wasn't the case. The man for instance, trying to get us down. Life in general trying to get us down. Or even tragedy for goodness sake. Things we don't have control of. Throwing us in tailspins and crashing us into the snowy mountains. eh. Its ridiculous.

Things are so confusing that I get to the point of daydreaming of being bitten by a crocodile. That's strange. I don't live anywhere near crocodiles. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself something.

I grew out of that stage of wanting silly, pointless things. I'm in an area of pure craving. I crave/want great things. I want to live in the same household as my B. We cant live together because its against moral law. Even if we did, would we be cheating what ultimately is going to happen? I'm not sure. But there's fear there and I think that fear is necessary in order for me not to pack my dogs like the hillbillies and strap the stepbrothers into seat belts causing much drama all around. I don't think there is a mighty fix it. I think that some where, life is going to have to give. Sacrifice is what will have to come into play. I had gotten to a (selfish) place where I couldn't allow any more sacrifice to enter my life, but I am slowly coming into realizing that maybe it wasn't so bad. Sacrifice is a key to recieve more unexpectedly, and that's math dude! Is this the ebb and flow I need to relinquish so more can be planted and manifested? More than likely.

I'm going to keep on.

Wednesday we plan to hike and hopefully some answers will just come up on their own then. I'm inviting these answers to come along on this hike. That's open minded, right? Invite the answers out and see if they show up? Heck, that's downright genius. (I'm patting myself on the back.)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sticker shock

Well, it ain't over til it's over. Right?

Friday, July 1, 2011

Get in line!

New list of projects. That have to get finished.

Monday, June 27, 2011

She wears short shorts

We had ran down to eat a little and had seen a girl in short shorts. And she had "bigger" legs. I couldnt help but think "boy, that gal has guts." A blonde boy who may have been 17 stared at me the whole time, pretending to read his phone. I dont know where this is coming from, but its coming from. Like, totally. I wonder. Springsteen was on, and I felt like hanging out my clothes to dry. They really hadnt been washed, but it had rained. I thought this morning could I really do something? Would it all change if I were writing from my house? Would the outlet shine, or just break out in flames and melt off the wall? I had become more than giving up my inhibitions. I had hidden my inhibitians because they could be wrong, or they could have negative connotations. Depending on who read and who mattered and who really just wondered: "What is going on?" I was already back in my chair when I realized I very well couldnt be alone, it wouldnt fly to not have correct spelling. At least not to me. Maybe my third eye opened, maybe I am coming out of a cocoon. Who knows. Well beyond contrite, and unfortunately forgetting content. How do I go on if everything changes? If I change it? If The Lord changes it for me? Im completely unsure of that answer. How would it all be normal if it all changes? Can I embrace that things may just have to be undone in order to move ahead? Forge ahead? Ramble ahead? My slow metamorphosis may be the most healthy thing I can muster. Im desperately caught in a moral battle and depending solely on grace to last through any of it. Yeah, Im you. Im me. Ima little inbetween. Too many exposures and not enough juice or light. I moved from side to side and thought of friendships real and imagined. I was enchanted by all kinds of fantasies of life. I cant depend on a faulty engine, I have to take it to the shop. It must be worked on. Even though I have no idea where to start, I just have to. Hands down, hands up. Hands capable of. Hands capable of destruction, or beginnings. I cant really think of tomorrow. All I have is right now. Whether I am trapped, lost my way, or just blind, now that is an argument! I conjured up these places I cant seem to get out of bed for. Im terrified to speak up, but terrified to never say another word.

Friday, June 10, 2011

For Sure

I woke up just like any other day. I woke up and took care of the dogs. The visiting dog. I drank coffee and chased all dogs into the house. I fed the cats. I looked at the trap. I choked back the tears. I woke up. I tried. I still try. Discouraged. Is it still the same thing when you try but still feel discouraged. Where is He? God. This entity in charge? Where is He? I looked under the couch cleaned to a point of aggravation. I took more pills to feel better or to feel something. I would like a pill to take that made someone else to take care of me. I would. Call it escape. Call it giving up. Call it what it is. A need for help. They all scream as if I have put baby scorpions in their shoes. These folks call it pressure, and I simply call it telling you of my needs. My needs become unnecessary. My needs become whines from a puppy dog. My needs feel beyond ignored and never encouraged. Where is the ghost? Hanging in the gallows patiently waiting for its spirit to come back to life. That's dedication. Or obsession. One or the other. Highly dangerous too. It could all change in a blink of an eye. I have seen a bevy of crows. In the road. In my driveway. Calling to me from the trees in the woods. In the field. Next to the barn. Looking dead at me. Still unconcerned in a way. Sick though. I'm sick. But that cant ever happen, since Im impossibly invincible. That's the supposed legend at least. Legends go out in a fiery light, and I fear there I am. It seems to be more and more up to me. Running to stand still. It's a U2 song. And one of my favorites. I'm a little able. But not completely.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I dont live there anymore

I might have to do some things I dont think Im ready for. Im really afraid. Im really afraid of living outside God's Will. But am I already doing that? Im not sure. Im really scared. I need a step. One step. Then I believe the rest is coming. Im at least pretty sure of it. But do you understand?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Here

I'm here. I'm still fixing everything that is "wrong" with me. That seems to be my proxy. Self-proxy, but proxy nonetheless. You like that. My definition of what I do to myself. It's Just a Job. It is. Why sweat the small stuff? Because all the small stuff is driving me insane. And to drink. I pot flowers, rearrange the house. Drink wine. Fix pinto beans. Stare at Champ. Tiger threaten to run off with the circus, and LBD just wanting to come inside. Oh, and eat sweet feed. Run around after the new calf and try to take pictures of him, and the other cows look at me like I have the plague unless they think I have apple core in my hands. Then, only then, do they seem vested. Maybe what Im doing aint so right like I like to believe. Have I turned in martyr? No, 2 people in my life would not allow it. They would turn all Mike Myers on me. The Austin Powers Mike Myers, not the homicidal maniac. But he could. Oh he could. I feel like making a bunch of pretty cakes and eating them or sending them to people. I feel like exercising a bunch at my house and not being discouraged when Im out of breath. That means Im doing it right. I am wearing the right shoes, and stepping out into a open area of what ifs, and what to dos. Its okay. B and I dont know what our next step is, we are just trying to embrace that there are next steps. I dont know if I can care if everyone is on board, because at this point I just need B to be on board. He matters, because I matter to him.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Sliders

Shoot. I have an imagination. Help me embrace it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Who's that lady?

I cant keep trying to break into your heart and waiting to have my eureka moment. Ive tried to say Ive had enough and cant keep investing in a profit weary fund. You either want me to succeed or not. I need support. Dont ask how you can, just do it. Find a way. Realationships are hard. If im in a ditch, lend me a hand. If life hands you lemons, make a pie or something like that. Food is comfort, but soul food is better for the garden. In a trace here I am, still waiting. Almost in the garden, daydreaming about it all. I stare at the horizon and hope. I told myslef staring at the stove, maybe it wasnt enough. To hope. I need rescue, and reminded how I shouldnt cry. If this is my only lifeline, the only way I can communicate. How is it bad? All I need is all I need, and I may need a lot. Maybe just for a few minutes, maybe for a lifetime. Im in the sea and begging to be brought on baord. Its better if you swim! Its better if you do it alone! (but whatifi cant- and thats what I say) The only reason you cant believe that is disbelief. Disbelief is your hurdle. Not mine, and please dont punish me for the work you need to do. Im standing in the middle of the cornfield. Mouth muffled. I could run. I could. I could get by and I do. I guess Im just getting a little tired of this. If im sick then I just have to keep plugging away. She said we are struggling and coping with post traumatic syndrome. I allow that is true. Standing at the mouth of that volcano is tough. but thats what we are, and thats whats expected. Are you ready to stand at the volcano with us? Are you willing to feel that heat?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Thursday, April 14, 2011

One of these Nights

I could describe how I feel pefectly in this song. I'm having one of those socially acceptable moments of clarity and insanity. Probably both. Probably. In between the dark and the light. Get ya baby one of these nights. Yes, I'm there. I'm very much like Darkwing Duck. Dont doubt. Thats where it gets dangerous. You got your demons, you got your desires, but ive got a few of my own. YoutellemEagles. Where did my normal go? Straight out the window and it broke my heart a little more. I dont need your rules togoplayinthe woods. If i am cracking up, then ok? Right? That last phrase made zero sense. It also doesnt make sense that i have so much bueno disguised as booboo. i said it. dont judge me. One of these dreams, One of these lost and lonely dreams, Were gonna find one, One that really screams. I like those lyrics. Too much like propchecy for me. It's coming true.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Aint too proud to beg

I'm burnt out! ? there. I said it. nothing has changed though and I swear I admit this often. Im swimming in a vat of pig lard. I pretend to like the pig lard, but I really don't. Not so much. Does the pig lard benefit me? Well yes. Yes it does. But not emotionally. Or physically. But here I am. Begging. Yep. Ive changed my prayers into begging. Literal crying, knees on the floor, begging. Im angry to a point. Im lonely up here on my mountaintop. Its a quiet struggle that is turning into pure tyranny. It is. I mean, I dont care. at all. not the least bit. If its value Im lookinf for, the buck starts here. I dont know how to reach out. I cant help to feel like "us" vs. "them". me no likey. So Lord, touch me. Im asking. Please.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

That'll do, Pig.

I find myself lying by the sea. all dressed up with nowhere to go. Asking for guidance, and begging for relief. I cant stand the way I have to beg, and wake up in a vast darkness. Visions of being attacked by those demons I cant seem to fight today. Making my own pillows, working very hard on myself, and ignoring the fact I cant be seen. Good job pig is going to cut it today. For that matter, I dont know if good job pig isnt going to cut it at all. Am I greedy? I really dont think so. I think I am beyond frustrated and tired of hearing only my voice. I have sick dogs and Im terrified they are sick because of me. What to do? Start just doing everything Im just going to do and not care about those wild repercussions I imagine could happen? My garden is small, and I have to do all the work. you might want to eat out of my garden and claim that you deserve half, brag to your friends about "our" garden when truthfully, you just expected me to do all the work without me getting upset about it. We have to work. this is a part of life. even when my face is puffy, and im told my blood pressure may be down. she said I looked just like a ghost. even my ears were white. I cant tell if I feel good or bad, because this is just how I feel all the time. I get that dig in my belly when im told things i cant stand to hear. i feel disappointed for the people who disappoint me. Its really a shame. A cold shame. if only I could. Scratch that, IF ONLY I WILL. i dont want to be carried off, honey poured on me, and have the ants unleashed. i cry and the world turns its shoulder. im tough and it cant get enough of me. silly stuff there. anyway. i have to redo the clothesline and buy my weed eater. because no matter how much I want someone else to do it, there just isnt enough money or time. p.s. im getting scandalous about my coupon cutting.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Universal Twin

Easter is around the corner, a time for rebirth, rejuvenation, and contemplation. There have been many changes around. Lots of dreams. Dreams of surrogate mothers, tiny aliens, baby animals, snow, white coyotes, store adventures, backbone dreams, unrequited answers. It's all there, and still adamantly chasing me and throwing me down on the floor. Demanding answers. I read a horoscope of mine that basically said, "Stop banging on the door of the things you want you think that are trapped behind there." "Just open the door already." What if the things I ask for behind the door hinges on someone else too? How would you answer that quandary? I already know not to ask for feedback since no one ever answers. Discouraging. I have been asking a lot of questions about my constant "free time" with myself. It's horribly boring and aggravating to hear things along the lines of "enjoy your free time while you have it." sometimes I feel like something apocalyptic is about to happen. Apocalyptic could go both ways. Good or bad. Anyhow, I'm remotely anxious and on the cusp. I seem to always be in preparation mode. I also read that I need to rest more. I'm a great rester. A great sleeper, but I also need to keep an ear to the ground. Follow my heart a little. Stirred up. Anyway, these are the stepping stones.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Pharisee in recovery

That's me. God has been prompting me lately. And I have been not wanting to listen. Jame and I went to a church to visit yesterday, and it was great. I forgot to tell Jme I might cry, cause I have a tendency to do that especially if I have been away from God for a long time. I kind of cried through the whole music part. Which was funny, it's usually harder for me to worship through music. Not yesterday! They had a guest speaker and he was really interesting. He spoke the words that is the title of the post. Which makes so much sense. The pharisees wanted to do so much by the word. They wanted to follow all the rules. They wanted to be perfect, and if they couldnt be, or others were not perfect either, the pharisees put out a lot of condemnation. I thought about myself and how relateable that is. I want to be so perfect and live how God commands me to be, but I also want His approval, and really crave His love. God loves me no matter what though. Even if I cant get with the rules. Even if I fall short. And I cant help but praise a God who does that. I will keep trying. I will not believe the lies that Satan whispers. I will not be a failure when it comes to loving, because God allows grace. Since an all knowing and all mighty Savior can die on a cross, come back to life in 3 days, and continue to love us, then I can surely love others and most importantly love myself. We just have to be willing. Selah!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rainbow.

I'm torn. I'm on the edge of quitting and sincerly not giving up. It's a careful balance. It's not much, but it's what I have. What I have is not much either.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Phone Home!

I'm trying to communicate with you.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Copycat

I want a woman who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me 10 things I dont already know and make me laugh. I dont care what you look like; just turn me on. Henry Rollins

thanks Sue.

editors side note: i would prefer to insert "man" instead of woman. thats my jive.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Me & Mrs. Jones

I have been triggered. It's too early to say why. Or how long it will last. I had oatmeal and peanut butter with bananas for breakfast. Did that help? Possibly. It could be the protein helping me to think a little clearer. Yesterday, was a fog. I was walking around like a kitten wearing lead boots. Yes, it was that serious. I had to focus on the little and big things. Which was exhausting. Which drained me. Which made me not want to talk. Or admit anything. Or even feel relevant. Those days are sure to come. Like Mama said, there would be days like this. Still not reading as I should be. LBD is on the road to recovery. I love how sweet her eyes are. She is the best behaved. The yard is a muddy mess. I'm hoping to see the yard recover as well.

Daddy and Joey cut down the rose bush in the old yard. The rose bush is as old as my sister. But it was a monster. It will grow back. At least I hope so. Have you ever noticed how the things you want to change, burn down and start all over again may not be the things that actually change? Or actually ever come to fruition? The thing is, we might chase that bunny rabbit down the hole, but we may not land in wonderland.


I've lost weight. But not pounds. I'm hoping to keep losing weight. The weight on my shoulders. Looking for the doom and gloom. Although, I usually put the voodoo on March. March is a weird month. It's like the ghostbusters opened the ghost vault thingy. All the spirits come out of the thingy? Combined into the puff man? All I remember is Beware the Ides of March.


Dont call me superstitious. That label will just make me mad, and give me heartburn like orange juice does.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Who made who?

Drastic times call for drastic measures. Instead of the 'knight in shining armor" mood, I'm trying to get into those skinny jeans noted "p doing it her own way". I'm much more inclined and educated in the whole "p doing it her own way" philosophy anyway. I'm stuck. Help me. Unsure what to say when asked how anyone can help. Turns out, I just have to say whatever will help.

I'm going to try to explain the best I can. If you have seen the movie Inception, do you remember the parts where the dreamer points out to the gal about when all the people in the dream start staring at her and becoming hostile? I feel like that. Like ima something that doesnt belong. Foriegn.

and it makes me ancy.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

mom, i think your date is a vampire

I had a dream about vampires last night. for sure, vampires. the only difference in the the books and movies is that these vampires were taking the blood out of my arm with needles. not their teeth. weird. they had fangs and the whole bit. i also had a small dog named Chloe. even more weird. so weird.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Rocketeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hello from Spaceland. This is my residence. If you see me out here, dont be afraid to reel me back in. I need reminders. I actually starve for them. Read again - I actually starve for them. My little scatterbrain is similar to the teapot on the stove. Leave me unattended, and the screeching begins. I need to talk about focus today, or lack thereof. I need to be serving my loves, and not serve these distractions that only fill my cup momentarily. It isnt fair to the ones in my life actually sitting in the front row, paying attention to my faint little heart.

I'm not perfect. I know, right? I saw a really cool picture on my friend's blog. She is a photographer. It wasnt her picture. For some reason, I find that fact relevant. This picture, reminded me that I am not perfect. But in a good way, and ima alright with it.

Back to my lack of memory. I eat fish. Those little coils in my brain should be well lubed from the oil. Er, I think it should be. Im in the mood to travel. Im in the mood period. To just do something.

I am dogsitting. Shocker. I am running amok. amok, amok, amok. I am struggling with the fact I dont get to see the people I admire and love more often. Personal disappointment.

Oh well.

YOu know that word adventure, which feels like the driest part of your mouth in the morning?

That part, adventure. It is dry. Mine is. As dry as the driest part of my mouth in the morning. I see it though. Just as I see a large glass of water. That would address the parchness. That glass of water. Per usual I find myself stuck. Stuck becauseImafraidtomove. Stuck becausenooneseemstowanttogowithme. shew.

is it lack of effort? will just driving hereandthere help? Possibly. Imasureitwould.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I might be insulted!

I am Isis. Or, I feel strangely like Isis. I am empowered by my thoughts, and only by my thoughts at this time. Encouraged by a few in this world, and that's all it takes. Anyone is allowed to jump in at any time too. Don't be shy. I'm having one of those confused, contorted battles with self esteem. Knowing so much better that my value is within me. Not within what I do, or who I do it with. This does matter that it is still happening. I might be low on the totem pole, but not in my eyes. I'm number 1. The head honcho. I still get disappointed when I have to, have to. You know, muster up that fake smile to just do what you have to do. Ima feelin' like I want to go out in a ball of flames. I confess I have felt this way for some time now. Like middle fingers blazin, type crap. True story. Scary story. Ima wantin' to. Real bad like. All John Wayne wrapped up in a bacon covered Johnny Cash style sandwich. I dont want em' seein' it comin'......

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Give a Little....

dang. i miss dress up.

that is all.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

TGSM

Dear Smoky Mountains,

I miss you. Even though I see you from the porch, Clingman's dome. I miss you. You are so close I could touch you, but I can't. I miss you like mad. I dream of you, and pretend to be walking inside your park. I dream of all the little flowers sleeping beneath the soil and the snow. I miss that I could cross a creek on some rocks, even if it does make my belly funny when I do it. I miss those smells. I miss the trails. I miss seeing the AT. All the little birds and nests, the moss laying gingerly on the rocks. I miss sitting close. I miss that "smoke." I miss ya. I want you to know. My passion lies within you. You are my comfort. I love finding animal tracks. I love those lingering animal smells that make you all up. I miss those rocks. The freezing cold water. Even in July. It's cold. But, gracious, it feels sooooo good. Who cares how purple my legs are? I dont. I miss the falls. The salamanders. Those crawfish!!! The graveyards. Hiking you, taking you in, finding those places in my mind that I miss. I hug you. Please continue to to think of me, and hold me close as I hold you. I will see you soon.

Monday, February 7, 2011

1

What to write about? Any successful writer knows to write what they know. Everyday experience. I should do just that. Circulation. I forgot how to do things on my own. And, not to toot my horn, but I am darn good at doing things on my own. True story. I think I forgot how to survive on my own. I started relying on anything, anyone else and not basking in my own, "ownness." Reminded how support is not guaranteed. Support is a thing you can give yourself. Which support in self reliance, is guaranteed. Seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

This is my journey.


My left eye is hurting! My left eye is swollen! It's like I overused it or something. Strain. Er, maybe my eye is catching up with my brain. 'Cause it sure is in strain mode. I have been in hurt mode too, and even though I feel like I'm to blame.... that isn't true. I have been in guilt mode. Then, deprivation mode. 2 very real struggles. Up and down, riding the roller coaster known as me. Call me extreme.


Try to feel from within, rather than judging and looking at what's on the outside. Claire Dederer

Pratyahara. (Look that one up.)

With a 4 month old, new widow.

Beverly had said "100s told me to call if I needed them or if I needed anything." "I told them all I wouldn't call." "Out of those 100s, only 1 came and showed up at my house."

Easy to forget the 100s, but not the 1.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Take it or leave it.

Ima doin' somethin' 'bout it.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tornado - Jitterbug

Extreme weather is the theme. Of my dreams.

"To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. (Who me?) Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? (No, not really. Just my own bad behavior.)

To dream that you are in a tornado, means that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. (Yowtch.) Your plans will be filled with much complications and you will be met with a series of disappointments. (Yowza.)

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. (Or, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?) It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship." (Great Lake Junaluska!)

I found this interpretation from Dream moods. I think I could be a dream interpreter, and I also believe this could be spot on. Not that I'm a bad person, just a gal on the road of life. Feeling a little complicated at the moment. Not that I have bad people in my life either. I have a few passionate people in my life, and when a couple of passionate people get together.....ya know! Kaboom! Like fire and gasoline!!! We just have to respect each other. Just like fire and gasoline, both effective, useful items. Still no beuno to mix, but these folks are valuable for my survival! I'm learning this again and again. The balance. The ultimate success formula. As is yours, mine is unique. Too much like snowflakes, no two folks are alike. It's misdirecting that passion that lands our rears in hot water. Speaking for myself only here.

I dunno if we ever find balance. I understand the theory. Just having trouble with performance.

Wake me up before you go-go, P

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Anyone seen the bridge?

Where there's a will, there's a way. 90% of success is basically just getting off our rears and doing whatever we plan to start doing. Congratulations to me. The hard work is over, at least for now. At least for the next few seconds.

I'm ready for adventures. I'm ready for Spring. I'm ready for the next 52 ish days to be over, so we can be closer to Spring.


Goals for the day

1. Make it through.

2. Have leftovers for lunch.


I'm halfway there!!! Smooch!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

That's some bad hat, Harry. (Jaws)

Sometimes Im in the middle of doing everything I can. There are times when I think of Einsteins quote of what insanity is. Doing the same thing over again, and expecting a different result. Not possible. I have been communicating with my soul lately, and my soul told me how parched it really is through all of this. Believe me, emotions are fleeting, and horribly unreliable. But if thats all a girl has, emotions will be her lifesaver. I have been described as selfish, maybe described in that matter by my own hand. I also believe I havent taken chances out of fear. Fear of being called selfish by other than the girl in the mirror. I have needs. And these needs are not always addressed, with my own self to blame. God knows I havent tried on occasion, and God knows I have try like all get out everyday. So much to do, with no motivation to get it done. Where does this lead me? To more dead ends and ghosts of perception. I daydream more and more. Gutless and rebellious. A strange stranger.

Before jumping to conclusions understand I know the basics of being happy. I also understand being unhappy. I understand reaching out and having no one to reach back. I understand being loved and also being rejected. I understand crying out of pain, and I also know how it feels to cry when I am happy. I comprehend suicidal feelings, I also know and appreciate hope. I know sinking, and I also have worn the beautiful dress known as"rising to the top". Options are endless. We just have to command that power over our options.


I have been in the same mind frame all week. Call it a "solidarity" mind frame. Convinced that spending all this time by myself has been a curse. That's not necessarily true, is it? Curses are generally a blessing. Like Jesus being blessed, and having the Holy Spirit disguised as a dove, this was time of blessing. When we are blessed, this is a time when temptation creeps in. When trials come. Ya know, when it gets real deep, man. Let me give you examples. I become tempted to say or think just evil when I things go the way I dont want them to go. I have constantly felt like I am living in the valley. Although, I have grazed small hills in hindsight. I am on my own. On my own to the point where I have realized more and more, God or the Devil showing me how I have to work through things on my own. And they are both there. I just have to have the gumption to rely on The Lord Jesus Christ, instead of the enemy. "I have met the enemy and they are ours." - Oliver Hazard Perry - With a fight, things can change. I have a hurt spot for snow. I dont enjoy it, but B loves it. Which has taught me to come to terms with snow. I havent cried over snow this whole time, and we have had quite a bit for East Tennessee so far. You see, its a battle every time it snows. Can I get to work? How long will it take to walk down the driveway? What if I have to walk in the dark? How long will it take for my car to thaw out? Is my car okay parked at the road? I hope its okay, I hope it isnt stolen, or damaged. Maybe you cant relate to this exact situation, but I bet and I believe there are situations beyond your control, and those situations are the ones only you have to face. Those are the unique situations that you feel no one else can comprehend or understand why it is such a hard road for you to hold. You know, the ones where you feel like youre just whining. Well, my dear; hold fast. You are not just whining. These times are real. They are real because they are happening to you. This is your reality. Whether or not you like it, whether or not it is something you can or cannot control, the burden is all yours. This is where I fall into temptation. Blaming others. Shouldering the blame all on my own. And, Im not the only one. This is personal heartbreak. If it breaks your heart, it also breaks our Lords heart. So we are never alone. This very thought is what has kept my mind together during all this snow, I particularly do not care for. There are real moments I have no one to call out to. So I call to Jesus. I get really brave when I call out. You see, we are all strong. We are all called to be brave. It is difficult. Remember though, things worth the wait are supposed to be difficult. You see, I feel forgotten from my parents. I feel forgotten by the world. People take me for granted and dont check on me, because they know I can do it. In a twisted way, I should be flattered. But I feel disappointed. I feel forgotten. These are demons I fight. Again, this is where I have faith. I try my best. I do my best. And sometimes it isnt good enough, but I dont have to live up to others standards. My standards are just fine. Its hard to convince someone that they fall short, when they know they do not fall short. Its all perception. Even though my perception gets damaged, frazzled, changed, thats okay. I am the only one that has to live with myself, and I am just fine with it. Its not so bad when you realize you are the only one you have to lean on. You might be at the end of the line. You might be in the background. Its not so bad to also realize that people let you down. Its not so bad to be alright with yourself. People let us down, but when its just us, we have no one else to blame. Just ourselves.

Out of pure entertainment, I post my horoscope from last week.

In 2011, I believe you will have the chance to weave your fortunes together with an abundance of allies who are good for you. They will be your equals, they will share at least some of your most important values, and they will respect you for who you are. Thats excellent news, right? My only worry is that you might shy away from the demands that such invigorating collaborations will make on you. It would be less work, after all, to fall back into reliance on more prosaic relationships that dont ask so much of you. Please dont take the easy way out Libra. Rise to the occasion!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Callout fallout....

Erp!

"My New Years resolution is to invest in people who are "like minded." I sometimes find myself trying to change people and things in my life that will probably never change or cant be fixed. Years can sometimes pass by so quickly, and its important to always surround yourself with people who respect your gifts and are in your life for the right reason." Tracy Anderson

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Chances, unlimited...

I feel a lot of things moving like the tectonic plates all over the world. I need brainpower improved, manpower renewed. I have made some choices out of fear. Good ones, bad ones. I have held back life moments that could have been circumstantially better, if only I had made a move, instead of being paralyzed by fear. I suppose this is where I should say, no more!
But we all know I could say that, and nothing would change. I can hope to stop being so fearful, hope is never ending. There was a brief period of time where I wasn't fearful. I made informed educated decisions. I also made careless choices. Some dangerous in hindsight. I need a healthy mix. During this time I was also thrown in the lion's den. Living on pure faith. Surviving on nothing else. Here I am at the potter's wheel once more. Creating. I'm just half alive some seconds of every day, and I dont like it. You know the moments in movies where things cometogether for the characters, and it all makes sense to the audience too? I believe I may be on the cusp of this. Indirectly, but directly. There, but not just yet. You see, the future is always uncertain. No matter if you have a plan, intend to stick to the plan, yada, yada, yada. There is no promise, no room for remorse, apologies. This year I believe will be about stepping out on faith, saying no to fear, and opening new doors that are uncertain. Which is generally every year, but maybe we wont be so surprised about the inevitable obvious. Maybe we wont be so stumped about life. Maybe we could move ahead. Maybe we could move ahead together. The only thing left is letting go of fear and living by faith, but that would land us where we think we started.