Sometimes Im in the middle of doing everything I can. There are times when I think of Einsteins quote of what insanity is. Doing the same thing over again, and expecting a different result. Not possible. I have been communicating with my soul lately, and my soul told me how parched it really is through all of this. Believe me, emotions are fleeting, and horribly unreliable. But if thats all a girl has, emotions will be her lifesaver. I have been described as selfish, maybe described in that matter by my own hand. I also believe I havent taken chances out of fear. Fear of being called selfish by other than the girl in the mirror. I have needs. And these needs are not always addressed, with my own self to blame. God knows I havent tried on occasion, and God knows I have try like all get out everyday. So much to do, with no motivation to get it done. Where does this lead me? To more dead ends and ghosts of perception. I daydream more and more. Gutless and rebellious. A strange stranger.
Before jumping to conclusions understand I know the basics of being happy. I also understand being unhappy. I understand reaching out and having no one to reach back. I understand being loved and also being rejected. I understand crying out of pain, and I also know how it feels to cry when I am happy. I comprehend suicidal feelings, I also know and appreciate hope. I know sinking, and I also have worn the beautiful dress known as"rising to the top". Options are endless. We just have to command that power over our options.
I have been in the same mind frame all week. Call it a "solidarity" mind frame. Convinced that spending all this time by myself has been a curse. That's not necessarily true, is it? Curses are generally a blessing. Like Jesus being blessed, and having the Holy Spirit disguised as a dove, this was time of blessing. When we are blessed, this is a time when temptation creeps in. When trials come. Ya know, when it gets real deep, man. Let me give you examples. I become tempted to say or think just evil when I things go the way I dont want them to go. I have constantly felt like I am living in the valley. Although, I have grazed small hills in hindsight. I am on my own. On my own to the point where I have realized more and more, God or the Devil showing me how I have to work through things on my own. And they are both there. I just have to have the gumption to rely on The Lord Jesus Christ, instead of the enemy. "I have met the enemy and they are ours." - Oliver Hazard Perry - With a fight, things can change. I have a hurt spot for snow. I dont enjoy it, but B loves it. Which has taught me to come to terms with snow. I havent cried over snow this whole time, and we have had quite a bit for East Tennessee so far. You see, its a battle every time it snows. Can I get to work? How long will it take to walk down the driveway? What if I have to walk in the dark? How long will it take for my car to thaw out? Is my car okay parked at the road? I hope its okay, I hope it isnt stolen, or damaged. Maybe you cant relate to this exact situation, but I bet and I believe there are situations beyond your control, and those situations are the ones only you have to face. Those are the unique situations that you feel no one else can comprehend or understand why it is such a hard road for you to hold. You know, the ones where you feel like youre just whining. Well, my dear; hold fast. You are not just whining. These times are real. They are real because they are happening to you. This is your reality. Whether or not you like it, whether or not it is something you can or cannot control, the burden is all yours. This is where I fall into temptation. Blaming others. Shouldering the blame all on my own. And, Im not the only one. This is personal heartbreak. If it breaks your heart, it also breaks our Lords heart. So we are never alone. This very thought is what has kept my mind together during all this snow, I particularly do not care for. There are real moments I have no one to call out to. So I call to Jesus. I get really brave when I call out. You see, we are all strong. We are all called to be brave. It is difficult. Remember though, things worth the wait are supposed to be difficult. You see, I feel forgotten from my parents. I feel forgotten by the world. People take me for granted and dont check on me, because they know I can do it. In a twisted way, I should be flattered. But I feel disappointed. I feel forgotten. These are demons I fight. Again, this is where I have faith. I try my best. I do my best. And sometimes it isnt good enough, but I dont have to live up to others standards. My standards are just fine. Its hard to convince someone that they fall short, when they know they do not fall short. Its all perception. Even though my perception gets damaged, frazzled, changed, thats okay. I am the only one that has to live with myself, and I am just fine with it. Its not so bad when you realize you are the only one you have to lean on. You might be at the end of the line. You might be in the background. Its not so bad to also realize that people let you down. Its not so bad to be alright with yourself. People let us down, but when its just us, we have no one else to blame. Just ourselves.
Out of pure entertainment, I post my horoscope from last week.
In 2011, I believe you will have the chance to weave your fortunes together with an abundance of allies who are good for you. They will be your equals, they will share at least some of your most important values, and they will respect you for who you are. Thats excellent news, right? My only worry is that you might shy away from the demands that such invigorating collaborations will make on you. It would be less work, after all, to fall back into reliance on more prosaic relationships that dont ask so much of you. Please dont take the easy way out Libra. Rise to the occasion!