Monday, November 29, 2010


Okay. I 'm going to tell you a big secret! I'm really excited about Christmas, and for no other reason is that every year after dreading all of the process of the holidays, I have decided to embrace it. Instead of running away from it. Instead of trying, I'm just going to do it. Besides, I love Jesus way too much to not celebrate Him. Confessing that I am looking forward to the holidays proves how fast I am improving. On the inside. I just hope it makes it's way to the outside.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Sometimes, they love you. Sometimes, they hate you. They love you to lie, they love the lies you tell. Sometimes, they call you out, sometimes, you become fortunate enough to call them out. They listen, or your words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes, we learn, or we refuse. Turn away, return once again. Prodigal son or daughter, won't you come on home! Forget it all, because it will soon be forgotten. Never forget! The sooner you accept, the sooner you can get on the ship to move on. Move forward. Forge ahead, don't look back, because it always looks as bad as it was or as good as your mind will let you believe. So celebrate, and still hold a grudge. Let go, and life can be more authentic. More real. Life can be more, if allowed. Ignore, and be even more ill. Be your own stumbling block is more of what we hear today, but tomorrow will be gone, full of regret. And we just have to stop that foolishness. So let's all be willing.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Mistaken Identity

Last night was intense. I had a dream that intertwined so many events that happened in my life. The dream kind of circled around 2 relationships I had. They smashed together in a way that left me forcing myself to sleep, just to see what happens next. I don't believe I am being clever here, I just think I am empathizing with Alice. There's really nothing wrong with that you know. Accepting those crazy dreams that you cant stand to dream, but almost thankful for that creepy experience. Yeah, it was haunting. But it was also superficial. Riding and manipulating my real life, as opposed to dream life. My mind looks like a field full of rabbit holes, and it isn't cute. I suppose we have to accept what goes on in our minds as we sleep. Dreams are those flung out dishrags that stink in the sink. In hindsight, dreams are the portal to living too.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Formal Boycott

I welcome you today to my most recent boycott. Thanksgiving, and coming back from vacation. I got a lot done, with no surprise there. I have a uncanny way of writing lists and getting things crossed off like a uber effective robot. I had some time to myself which was nice. No demands from anyone else but myself or the dogs. It was great. Not thinking of anyone else or anyone else's dogs. That was pure pleasure. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of panic, fear, and aggression pent up somewhere, but I'm holding that crap in like a crazy spider holding her thousands of babies in her birth sac. You got it. I'm totally a pot on the stove. Barely boiling. Shocker.

Is it fear? Is that all that holds you back? You need to answer this one. And it needs to be your final answer. It also needs to be the true, correct answer. The clue to your heart. Come on now, this question isnt for sissies. And you aint no sissy, Right?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Mulchin' leaves

it felt so good to hear how supportive you are about my raised anxiety levels about this coming week. I am at odds about it all. I want to look in one direction and just start walking that line. We can do nothing at all and that would be special. The hole in my heart makes me swallow the darn thing whole. (These are not the droids you are looking for....) Smooches and hugs.

Im nowhere and everywhere I want to be. Imallcaughtup.....

Monday, November 8, 2010

The other side.

Alright. The precious line of submission and clarity. Those simple times of recognition. I have a heard a few stories about being happy in circumstances that are less than ideal today. Those times of not quite being where you want to be, but being glad that those circumstances are catapulting you into the area of the life you want to be. It's all about perspective and all about taking your lemons and tasting that sweet lemonade it turned into. Pushing past those uncomfortable moments that are necessary to transform your ego. Sometimes we are bludgeoned by our circumstances to the point of needing some kind of resuscitation, so to speak. There are times where you beg and welcome those murdering moments in time. There are also times where you clean everything out and haul it off to the landfill. There are times you throw stuff out the door and wait for the weather to rain on it, or have a LBD run off with it. You could just care less, and that's okay. Some might even say you had a nervous breakdown. Some may have pity on you. Some my care less. You have to learn how to savor those moments, my dear. That is when you find out the meat of your true self. What you will or won't handle. Today, as in Monday, I am trying to just let go. I am just saying no, and not worrying about if it will ultimately change my outlook or finances. It was liberating. Here I am trying to hold on to the last pork chop bone, and that just doesnt always have to be the case. We can cherish and worship that pork chop bone, we can worry if we can live with, or without the coveted pork chop bone. 9 times out of 10, the pork chop bone is the last of our worries. Nothing to fear. Sometimes you have to take that pork chop bone in your mouth and fly through the jungle on the grapevine and take a huge leap of faith. It depends on your personal pork chop bone's threshold. Whether that be pain, courage, or well, cahonaes.

I am also saying yes. Yes to family. Yes to people who love me. Yes to myself. Saying yes to myself has been more liberating than anything, but that's always the case dahling....

Only you can define your true needs and outline what is realistically going to work for you. Always depend on your gut, and for pete's sake, stay out of that pit of despair. Just look for the ravens, because they will send you food. We only have to be wise enough to ask for God to send them.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Toot the horn!

Auspicious. Basically "favorable circumstances." Right now is probably when I can use this word. I don't have to worry about a cheating husband/boyfriend/mate, despondent and playing video games when home. I have a pretty kick ass boyfriend who is, and I do mean to brag, is just the tits in my opinion. Someone who puts me first. B never sees the obstacle, generally the favorable outcome. So farty fart!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Electric Slide

Okay. The pot is on the stove so to speak. Plugged in. I had read today that after the birth of a child people feel intensely creative and motivated. I hope this is how Sue feels after Clementine is born, and I'm sure she will! I posted a video on Facebook - The title is Send it Sistah! And, the video is breathtaking and nothing short of amazing. One part talks about why these gals do what they do - one had said it made her "face herself." That's inspiring. I also heard something on a show last night that stuck me - "Learn not to make decisions in fear." That's a toughie, even if you believe in The Holy Spirit or not. Fear, generally is not healthy. Neither is giving up.