Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
I just talked to my Mama. She said "Maybe you need to take a leap of faith."
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Repurposed. You were made beautiful. Here we are, looking for our own paradise. We hear the answer in a Bob Dylan song. I feel encouraged. Even with the rocky beginning. We had a rough start to the day. Resilient survivor. Submission. Diplomatic. Our paradise is a running little dog. It's a moment where we sit under the stars on a blanket. Getting that sip of cold water. Do you see it? The want. Flush desire. Being frugal in our pandemonium. Holding each others hands. Hoping. I realize our battle against debt is very weak. There's always something coming at us in our boats. I pray to be like Peter and walk on water. I pray for faith of that measure. When faith like that comes about, nothing can slip out of your hands. You just have to correct your vision. IT is never about what I want, it is always about His will. So we will put our vision on what matters and what is real. Look past the POV. Sit back and admire. And realize where the milk and honey flows from. Enjoying the role as a vessel, we long to be watered. Used. I run dry and cry out, fall out, fall on my face. I have to know where I fell from, to go where I need to be. Careful not to be prideful, understanding the balance of humility and grace. The rocks, the mountains, the trials will not be the focus. What's on top, what lies beneath the surface. The eyes we use, the glasses we look through. Our cups continue to overflow. Blessed. The riches have the pleasure to roll in, I long to have a grateful heart.
I could be broke but becoming a rich soul has more rewards. I got down on my hands and knees and scooped a tunnel with a plastic spoon. When spoon upon spoon continued to break, I got into the good silver and used them to the fullest potential. When I was digging I found a tool to help me in my effort. A small hand shovel. Which did the trick. There were nay sayers. There were times of pity. There were times I cried when the dirt filled my eyes. But I didn't stop. When I thought about the novel, I started digging furiously. When I remembered what mattered, I felt the baggage in the dust. I smiled even though it was difficult. I didn't give up because all I could think about was the Big Cheese. There were times I was so nervous that I couldn't be accepted because I worked in the tunnels beneath you. It didn't seem to matter too much though. I struggled and tarried and figured it out. There were moments when the flame went out and all I could do was feel my way through. But I did it. I was fearful. I hated it. I took my eyes off the prize. I may have started off on a unhealthy foot and the stay in the stay in the hospital proved fruitful. I still have dirt underneath my fingernails. No matter the bath, I am who I desire to be.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Had crazy dream a few nights ago, which terrified me in the beginning, but now I can laugh at it while I drink a Colt 45. I had a pretty disturbing dream about Micheal Myers. Now stop. You may think I'm all wrapped up with this thing and he's chasing me through the woods and all I can hear is Bobby West play the theme song on his piccolo. No. My dream was that I was going to college with MM. Yeah. College. With Micheal Myers. But he was all normal speaking but he still wore the mask and jumpsuit. Yes, he was still like 900 feet tall too. And, he wanted to be my friend. But I didn't want ANY part of it. MM would sit all close to me. He would like try to bargain with me why I didn't want to hang out. I was like, MM, YOU KILL PEOPLE!!! MM was all "Not anymore!" I was all "I saw you kill that chick yesterday!" MM was all "UH-UH!" Come on people, I cant make this shit up. HE WAS KILLING PEOPLE, then talking about Shakespeare and shit the next. I was TERRIFIED!!!! Long story short, research the schools you let your children go to. No worries though, if I'm not there, MM wont be there either. (cause we might be BFF and all)
Exciting thing that happened yesterday? We have a client named J. Dyke. What is her dog's name? IMA. When the technician called for her, what happened? IMA DYKE! Of course we put the name of the dog and the last name of the owner together. Oh shit. It was pure money. THAT would have been considered the money shot if it were a porno. seriously.
It all happened to the song by THE Mr. Rod Stewart - Do ya think I'm sexy?
With all those things aside, I am planning a new adventure. Not into the world of beauty pageants as it SHOULD be happening, but more realistic ideals. (this wont stop me putting MY baby into a beauty pageant, and I can push my little girl into a world of insecurity, a la 300 style.) I am putting my ducks in a row, (pay no attention to the girl BEHIND the curtain), I am facing reality. Even though, it is hard, I have to. Getting older is inevitable. Dying happens. Guess what though? I have known of at least 4 funerals the past 2 weeks. which forces me to look at life. I say it all the time, I know, I know. But I am going to church tomorrow. I don't care if I show up in jeans. I'm going, and we are going to EARLY service. I read a bible verse this morning that has dug into me like a rider on a horse pursuing feeexes. foxes. Feex. Back to the bible verse.
"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?" Galatians 5:7 Well, me. And outside temptation. I have to get back in the race.
things have been difficult for all of us. 2009 was a whopper. 2010, is going to be better. I don't know how, but I think it CAN be better. I slept remarkably well last night and today I face freedom. I guess it all will be okay. I have a flurry of emotions, some familiar, some not quite comfortable. I am trying to come to grips with changes. Changes within. Watching others go through trying, turbulent changes. A metamorphosis almost. Ready to let go. Move forward. See it in a different light. I want the best, so I hope for the best. I see a lot of weakness in the strong. I realize how frail the powerful can become. I grasp at the way to comfort. I try not to stare with my eyes wide open like a lamb. In some ways I treasure how naive I have been. Sometimes I am grateful for the way I have had to cope. the other day when I talked about March being traumatic and a troubling month, I suppose it always will be. The weather pattern changes here in March, which provides an outlet of a whole other level. We all get that tingle of renewal, that hope. Winter is long. It effects our moods. I complain all through winter. Here is the bottom line. We all feel we get the short end of the stick, so if were all gonna be in the same boat, there's no one else I rather be in it with.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's time to let your guard down and be real about what you really want. So Dear Self, what are these dirty little desires? For one, I would love to fast forward to the times of having B in my life to help in day to day life. It's very demanding and difficult to do things by myself all the time. Like carrying groceries, 40 lb bag of dog food, all at the same time, try not to fall in the yard, fend LBD off me while I struggle to unlock the door at night so I don't have to make repeated trips. (you make shit hard on yourself!!! SELF!!!) Keep up with having my oil changed!!! It sounds petty, but it's MAN WORK. (Judge me!) I enjoyed being married, but I didn't enjoy being married and living life on my own. after being told Dear Self how you needed to work more, make more money, mow the yard, take care of dinner, take care of the cars, haul off the trash, blah, blah, blah...... I will not go back to that. B, please read! I will leave you!!! I do it all now, like I did then and at least I don't have to hear someone tell me they love me in one breath and remind me why they think I am a uber slacker in the next breath. Please, Learn that your words are horribly toxic now!!!! Regret this as you drink your favorite (fill in the blank here) drink mixed with rat poison. Hello, 9 to 5!!!!
The B comments, about how I would leave you, please understand I haven't seen any of these dangerous character flaws and wouldn't even dream of just being your girlfriend if you did display these random acts of selfishness. I love you. Let's move on here.
Self, I love you. I want better for you. That sinking feeling you get in your stomach is normal. All these desires you have are valid. It's YOUR cocoon. Who cares if others want in or not? Look Kid, all I'm trying to say here Self, is you have my support. I have YOUR back. Now get in the game!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
the apostrophe's were all wrong. Written in red pen just for pomp and circumstance. when i couldn't do any more to please you, you had already moved on. I couldn't get past it. But if the shoe were on the other foot, I guess you couldn't get over it either. we have our jobs. we have our wrought hands. we have our divine interventions. we barely bat an eyelash. and its yours and its mine. I had hand made all these. it was easy to wait. it was a struggle to wait. i had not counted all my eggs. i didn't even know they could hatch. i tried not to let that burr irritate me. so I escaped. unscathed. wild abandon. rare gem.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Then I was as asleep as I was restless, and at 5 am, Champ had to get up and pee. We went back to bed and I swear we parlayed kick the can in bed as if we were 2 buffalo fighting in a pillowcase. Notorious was under the bed whining. I woke up without socks on. SO I think the other buffalo won. I guess I can let it go for now.
All I can ask is Why didnt I? Just like the darn tootsie roll sucker commercials! I guess the world may never know. I feel unchecked. Unmarked. What will I do? Im not hungry. Just 30. I am immaculately 30. Still on a roaming path. Still fighting mice in my heads. All "Nutcracker" style. (they have on little jackets.) I think I can be understood. Have a drink of validation. Wonder why it feels like an eternity. I even wanted tequila yesterday. All chilled and lime in my teeth. It made zero sense. (chase with a Dos Equis......)
I also have been having unrealistic daydreams about snakes. What does THAT mean? I mean, like being really afraid to go on hikes and have to pee because I might be bit on the butt if I tried to pop a squat. I know, right? Er, or having snakes hiding in my toilet. I think these are kind of valid fears but I still need to suck my thumb and wait it all out. I'm just freaked out by that shiz I guess. Word. SO all in all this is where I am. I want more. I need more. I pray more. I see change, I promote change, I welcome change. I want blessings, I receive blessings, I am thankful. I need more finely tuned apparitions on the horizon. But closer.
I miss my Friends!!! I miss them far away. I miss them. I struggle for competency right now. and hope B doesnt go flying into the woods. I am blaringly a nervous wreck. Burned.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Most of the time this is me: Huh?
You: Repeating what you said.
Me: I cling to you like a security blanket!
You: It's okay.
I bought 1 pair of shorts Sunday. Im super proud of myself. Which sounds like a pitiful whine. maybe baby. I have given away jeans that do not fit. Will not fit. and I will not be a waif again so I dont need your size small tomfoolery. I gave these items to my niece. Which she was super excited. It made me feel good. remotely grown up. I dont know if turning 30 made me cling to the past or catapulted me into acceptance. I think both. The reason size 3's dont fit? Is because I have hips. Nice ones at that. I have a booty. It's not bu-dunk-ba-dunk, or J.Lo-esqe. Its just mine. and it belongs in a decent pair of shorts. or jeans. or whatever. I have made a little bag of shorts that will go to her too. my short selection doesnt fit because I have a rear. (thats why pickle-pear) no biggie. okay, nut that. it is a big deal. because I try to wear things that dont fit because of fear/anxiety/no beuno. the buck end here apparently. (I look normal)
also, you love me the way i am. (no looking back)
B said: You really NEED a laptop.
Me: things come and go. things will come soon.
B: I know.
B and his back hurting mess he is. Which he does to himself. Ya. I said it. BUT. He does so many things he may not WANT to do. Like being understanding. Taking me by the hand and waiting for me to try on shorts that I am afraid of. Er, driving to Sevierville on a busy Sunday afternoon. UH, not killing us in the red machine of camaraderie. Remember, baby steps. (facilitate my life)
I need my wits about me since I expect a group of eels to attack, so I MUST go.
I filed my taxes today. (its about time)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
So what about the big picture? Unfortunately, this is happens in real life. Constantly. We all wake up crying/dream we have been crying. when in reality, maybe we just need to cry it all out. I HAVE to hug it out. Daily. I hug the smelly dogs. I "air hug" the step brothers. If I get too close to them, they just start nibbling. those 2 care nothing of human life. Live and serve. (Hold me.)
Alright. So I have no idea why I had been crying in the dream. Or what it has to do with shorts. One thing I am digging? Is acceptance. She's a hard mistress, but the more I settle in with her, I find her ways endearing. As hard as the road feels, it always leads home. AND home is where the heart is. Oh, and where the coffee brews too.
this morning I heard the song on the swiffer commercial - Who's that lady and crap. I really dig that song. I really dig those commercials also. The one in the attic with the stuffed doll? And the cat is all "Hey biatches." Just like a pussy to get in the middle. (This means YOU Stepbrothers.)
Remember, it's just water. It will all clean up. Don't you dare make me mention the sadist/masochist Queen Bee of them all, TIME. She is relentless. Overbearing, giving you a feeling of wanting to hold a pillow over her face as she sleeps. BUT SHE NEVER SLEEEEEEEPS. What a cheater. Bear with me. I think I am trying to be a pillar of support here.
Uh, back to acceptance. I am accepting many flaws I see in myself. I am loved by folks. I have a rapid supply of support from a beautiful array of folks. I like this. The good junk brings it all around to being able to see the "good" things about me. Which helps me see the "good" in troubling situations. Such as but not limited to "feeling like dog poo." ( Due to the good weather, I am on "dog poo" pick-up.) rar. Long story short? I am terrified of buying shorts and it does make me cry, but I really think the dream was about self-acceptance.
You want me a little further off the beaten path? Come on then, and pull up your socks. Geez. I am worried. About everything. My normal 5 AM prayer? Was long and tortured. I was fighting sleep cause I wanted it all out. then, I realized I need to pray with a little more purpose. Which isnt bad. I'm just going to try. And decipher where all the bones LBD keeps dragging into the yard. Oh, and load the .22. Sit out in the sunlight and clean that thing is what I should do. DONT WORRY. Mama taught me every thing I know. BTW, no worries. Today, I am going to go where the rocks kinda meet a SINKHOLE. I am. IDC. Thats I dont care to the rest of you. I think theres treasure there.
Uh, so pick up poop for one. Trouble finding for 2. Rocking it all out in knee socks for 3. Oh, and hoping B doesnt burst into flames in the meantime. I love you Nason's.
I'm moving to The Meadows. Meet you there!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
by Christopher Brennan
If questioning would make us wise
No one would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.
Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.
For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and and faint and sweetly bleed?
Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Personal sanctuary I am in. a few minutes. not forgetting I am loved. you make me precious. no doubt in my mind. cultivate the flame. one day, we'll get to take a break. all week long. we want the same goal. we wait for our portion. with pleasure. hand in the glove. im glad i used the last of your ink. the new pen is much more pleasing. at least this new pen sang like a bird. i wasnt shy anymore.
For better or for worse
sometimes which is better? we all have battle scars, open wounds, full plates, closed ears. products of closed hearts. no time. most spread too thin. i feel exiled. i have Napoleon syndrome. and with this sin, i am unchecked. my downfall. thinking too good to bear it all. pride. my pickle. sour. didnt we almost have it all Whitney? HELL TO THE NO. just as i thought. when does the philanthropy begin? where is my humble pie? taken with my measurements. my darling deserves more than me, yet he longs to be with me. i do it on my own now. with very little left over. i work for free. my strength drawn from The Lord, My Father, My God. He is sovereign. and shows me grace daily. sometimes I am alone. then I know He is there. sometimes i doubt and dont know. My Lord, the One I serve and will teach my children to serve shows me I done need to know. He always restores my hope. When i feel empty, My Father fills my cup. He is relentless in provision. I am thankful.
the days are not long enough. these days are too short. i will keep trying. i believe in today. im glad we are on the same page. you accept my quiet beauty. you have an understanding heart. My God is with me. Our God is with us. Never failing. Always looking ahead.
In the crows nest. (always a Navy girl at heart.)
Cant you feel the waves? the salt on your lips?
B has been helpful. B will continue to be helpful. hes my catapult of satisfaction. he is instrumental in finding that i do love myself. i am super ready for a vacation. i am ready to have the time of my life. this is happening. relief comes in different packages. i just dont want the feeling of "held back." discouragement is a choice, as the sign said Sue. B and i have similar daydreams. which i discover more and more. comfort i long for is here. B isnt the magic catalyst though. i can recognize this. i am more wise than i give myself credit for. (on occasion) B had to become a vessel for me. he earned. he sustained.
I could have abandoned ship. i wanted to. i still want to. i am still the Gribble in the mens briefs. hiding in the trees. eerily convinced of conspiracy theories. i hope B has an interview soon. he would benefit from a job. we could move forward. we could be our dream. i could quit pushing people out of my life. instead of being friends, i completely ignore you. which is what i felt had been done to me. its strange. i just cling to understanding. we long for normalcy. at least a portion of it. i still pray at 5 am when i get back in bed. we play dress up all day long then it comes to and end then our reality comes plunging in. which isnt fair, or so it feels. we lay in conundrum. not that i reign in superiority. we just long for our portion. he asked who would throw a party? i noted no one. i did a good job. really the opposite. we long for our portion. this is where we are.
we want to be beautiful and coveted and flash of sun on our shoulders. we long for out portion. we look around daily for a glimpse of how it will be. the drastic changes are underfoot, and we shiver from excitement. im not much in the mood to explore. the weather is ratty. i freeze. that makes it tougher. we long for our portion. i want to see it soon.
here I am doing homework. staying informed. embracing our idiosyncrasies. im trying not to be completely ridiculous here, but how did we get HERE? the life doesnt look the same. the smell is so different its strangely intoxicating. BOO BITCHESSSS!
B and I a have a list of things to do tomorrow! B is coming here so the dogs dont have to be cage dogs, but if they act up and act a damn fool, you guessed it. they will be cage dogs. when all they have to do is be good dogs. looking up good dogs in the dictionary? forget finding T and C. you will find LBD under sufficiently good outside dog there though. and under hellbent pussies - you will find an endearing picture of the stepbrothers. (hold laugh in) I love all 5 of them. regardless of good dog/cage dog/sufficiently good outside dog/hellbent puss status. LOVE THEM.
we have to take off garbage. thats all on the "have to" list for tomorrow. if the weather is bad, er, hopefully, good, we will take the lot on a walk. which will help take the copious amounts of energy the T and C seem to relish and harness and terrify me. Bring it. I CAN ALWAYS BATHE THEM. Say it with me now. we will be having something salad and something homemade for lunch. i am looking forward to a nesting day tomorrow. those days always seem to be the best.
i guess we can wait and see what he will do.