Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Times are hard on the boulevard for everyone I seem to come into contact with. Financial woes, marriage woes, living woes. It never ends. I'm sick and tired of all the celebredrama the world wants us to feed into. B and I are living to a new mantra. "Does it really matter?" In essence, does it really matter all in all? We mean things like our credit score, we wont have to purchase a new home, or anything else for that matter, so right now, no, credit doesn't mean shit. After all, it can all be rebuilt. We mena things like, it's just water. All in all, small is small. I feel as if B and I are in a place of rebuilding of sorts. Working things out together. Discovering we can do many things with very little. It's crazy how motivated you can become, when you just have to. B has not had the luxury of making some choices lately, and I have been praying (with a lion's heart) for him to see some change. It's a troubling time to become stagnant. Or felt forgotten. Or feel to have your pride drained like water out of a bathtub. He can do it though. I see it in him. I see changes, although subtle. Back to the mantra, there are things things that shorten my fuse. Sometimes we just have to accept things the way they are in order to grow or get to the next step. I know I get all frustrated at silly things, just like everyone else. turns out when I really ask - Does it matter? the answer is generally no. I am not saying do what you want, nothing matters, but only you can make these acceptable changes and apply them to your life. So peace be with you, and all that jazz. Oh, and just in case I forgot to tell you, I love you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Where I am.

My Facebook status says it all. I do want to eat a hollow chocolate bunny. JUDGE ME. Easter is Sunday. This week is uber busy, and I am grateful. It gives me time no to wish the time away I do have. I was able to see my buddy Shelane yesterday which made me very happy. She joked that she was surprised that B and I weren't married yet. Which made me laugh, but honestly, it's the only thing on my mind lately. I think about it while I take the dogs out, if B and I were married, I could just open the glass doors and let the dogs out. They wouldn't have to be on a leash. I also think at dog letting out time, I wont have to walk out in the dark by myself. I will have a garage to park in. I wont be lonely at night. I wont feel so cut off/left out. These are impossible thoughts to have, it breeds torture. This would be great if I were some beautiful artist, teacher, philanthropist. Torture is the word that does come to mind though. I have money, I torture myself with not taking time off when I need it. I cant buy anything for myself without becoming shamefully guilty. It's really just a big pool of being frightened. Crawling through a lambryinth feeling half satisfied. It feels good just to admit it. Angie sent the most adorable birth announcement to the house with both of our names on the envelope. Josie is gorgeous. It was a huge validation to have his name on the envelope with mine. Apparently I lack validation. Maybe it is offered more than I open my eyes to, but I mainly feel forgotten and flocked. My divorce was hard. It was horrible. It did help transform. Sometimes I feel afflicted. Sometimes I feel as if it maybe a thorn in my side. Progressing in my realationship with B would help validate moving forward also. this is my paradox. One I mind wholeheartedly. One, I am ready to get the giddy up on the horse. Two, I pray for the days to not be so long and hope not to wish them away. Growth is happening and taking place but the pain most of the time doesn't encourage me.

I just talked to my Mama. She said "Maybe you need to take a leap of faith."

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Dirty Laundry

the bane of my existence. A dog's head out of the window of a car. Sleeping a little bit longer. Avid in appearance. Wish I could do this at home. Wish for luxury. You can do anything with money. I wont lie. I love weimaraners and greyhounds. I like it when B calls. Single rainbow, just enough. Vain is only a word. I'm driving in circles. I'm not on a clear route, because I would know my destination. I want to feel better. I want out of here. I am always waiting and physically alone. Why cant it be done? Can I ask, and ask? Wait and wait? Will you show it? I am passionate about living and not feeling dead. If I were a ghost, this would be the time of my life. This is difficult. All this time apart.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Pooh Bear, really.

So here I am picking it all up today. It's Saturday. It's beautiful, and I did repeat the Saturday morning run to Hardee's. Promise I am not an old man, running game at Hardee's. I'm all shades of wore out, P.S., Jeff County Bounty sits on 25-70 at 2 places on my lovely scenic drive to Dandridge. Not that I'm speeding, but I am trying to get ahead of the old guy in the miata that drives 40 all the way TO HARDEE's! Where I am usually going on Saturday morning! SO I ALWAYS HAVE to leave by 7:30. No later. Which sucks. DO I love Hardee's that much? no. I am just THAT lazy on Saturday. I have to be at work at 8, and usually NOT in the mood to make breakfast, or even have a bowl of cereal. Why not cereal? It hurts my mouth when I hurry to eat it. Why am I in a flurry of hurry? BC I set the alarm for 6:45, but don't get up till 7:15. Now don't get bijiggity on me, but I'm delicate and need sleep. I am on a great sleep schedule, and no one is taking that from me. (Unless you look like a big white dog seeing yourself in the microwave door!) Here I am poo poo heads.

Repurposed. You were made beautiful. Here we are, looking for our own paradise. We hear the answer in a Bob Dylan song. I feel encouraged. Even with the rocky beginning. We had a rough start to the day. Resilient survivor. Submission. Diplomatic. Our paradise is a running little dog. It's a moment where we sit under the stars on a blanket. Getting that sip of cold water. Do you see it? The want. Flush desire. Being frugal in our pandemonium. Holding each others hands. Hoping. I realize our battle against debt is very weak. There's always something coming at us in our boats. I pray to be like Peter and walk on water. I pray for faith of that measure. When faith like that comes about, nothing can slip out of your hands. You just have to correct your vision. IT is never about what I want, it is always about His will. So we will put our vision on what matters and what is real. Look past the POV. Sit back and admire. And realize where the milk and honey flows from. Enjoying the role as a vessel, we long to be watered. Used. I run dry and cry out, fall out, fall on my face. I have to know where I fell from, to go where I need to be. Careful not to be prideful, understanding the balance of humility and grace. The rocks, the mountains, the trials will not be the focus. What's on top, what lies beneath the surface. The eyes we use, the glasses we look through. Our cups continue to overflow. Blessed. The riches have the pleasure to roll in, I long to have a grateful heart.

I could be broke but becoming a rich soul has more rewards. I got down on my hands and knees and scooped a tunnel with a plastic spoon. When spoon upon spoon continued to break, I got into the good silver and used them to the fullest potential. When I was digging I found a tool to help me in my effort. A small hand shovel. Which did the trick. There were nay sayers. There were times of pity. There were times I cried when the dirt filled my eyes. But I didn't stop. When I thought about the novel, I started digging furiously. When I remembered what mattered, I felt the baggage in the dust. I smiled even though it was difficult. I didn't give up because all I could think about was the Big Cheese. There were times I was so nervous that I couldn't be accepted because I worked in the tunnels beneath you. It didn't seem to matter too much though. I struggled and tarried and figured it out. There were moments when the flame went out and all I could do was feel my way through. But I did it. I was fearful. I hated it. I took my eyes off the prize. I may have started off on a unhealthy foot and the stay in the stay in the hospital proved fruitful. I still have dirt underneath my fingernails. No matter the bath, I am who I desire to be.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Father Abraham

We feel like Abraham and Sarai sometimes. In the sense of God's perfect timing and will. We long for understanding. We sit on our hands. (Genesis 16)

Thursday, March 25, 2010


We all are wrong at one point!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Book of Proverbs saved my life...

Welcome the wait is one of the most difficult, soul-bearing journey I find myself on. I feel utterly embarressed that life feels "on hold" right now. And why can't I feel this way? I am thankful for the days before us and the days we are living in now. I am blessed beyond measure to have a man who really focuses on me and focuses on goals, and our future. Our future home, our future children, our future paradise that we deserve. Sometimes we find ourselves in awkward moments and he always seems to find a way for me to see the positive side. Our days are long. Our eyes are sore from staring at the horizon. I pray for us to have renewed strength, renewed vision, and to have the understanding to maintain our journey. It may not be something to you, but my B sees me as his family, and I see him as mine. How awesome it is to have someone to want to be included in the madness known as my life. We long for a job for him, but he said it today, "does it matter?" No. It doesn't really matter. For the most part, the only thing that matters is we continue to do things together and remain encouraged. I am thankful for B, for his kind way of truly being a part of my life. When I feel like an orphan. When I feel left behind. When I feel stuck but am as able as a 4 wheel drive. It's rare to hear him complain, but when he does, it's a severe storm. Please pray for us today to receive comfort and our struggles, as we pray for you in yours.

Monday, March 22, 2010


"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

Sunday, March 21, 2010

In your wildest dreams

I give myself very good advice, but I seldom follow it.

Alice in Wonderland

Saturday, March 20, 2010

String Theory, romantic interludes....

Of course my coffee from Hardee's tastes like cough medicine I took when I was kid, and it all makes sense. things have been random lately, which is fine, but I think I'm ready for "steady." It's beautiful here today and of course I have things to do which are not fun. Boo. I'm ready for a hike. I'm ready for a toe in the cold mountain stream. I'm ready to pee in the woods and pray I don't get bitten. by anything. i.e., snakes, badgers, foxes, wrens, wild boars, dinosaurs, Champ, kittens. you know, all the reasonable things to be fearful of. Again, I'm ready.

Had crazy dream a few nights ago, which terrified me in the beginning, but now I can laugh at it while I drink a Colt 45. I had a pretty disturbing dream about Micheal Myers. Now stop. You may think I'm all wrapped up with this thing and he's chasing me through the woods and all I can hear is Bobby West play the theme song on his piccolo. No. My dream was that I was going to college with MM. Yeah. College. With Micheal Myers. But he was all normal speaking but he still wore the mask and jumpsuit. Yes, he was still like 900 feet tall too. And, he wanted to be my friend. But I didn't want ANY part of it. MM would sit all close to me. He would like try to bargain with me why I didn't want to hang out. I was like, MM, YOU KILL PEOPLE!!! MM was all "Not anymore!" I was all "I saw you kill that chick yesterday!" MM was all "UH-UH!" Come on people, I cant make this shit up. HE WAS KILLING PEOPLE, then talking about Shakespeare and shit the next. I was TERRIFIED!!!! Long story short, research the schools you let your children go to. No worries though, if I'm not there, MM wont be there either. (cause we might be BFF and all)

Exciting thing that happened yesterday? We have a client named J. Dyke. What is her dog's name? IMA. When the technician called for her, what happened? IMA DYKE! Of course we put the name of the dog and the last name of the owner together. Oh shit. It was pure money. THAT would have been considered the money shot if it were a porno. seriously.

It all happened to the song by THE Mr. Rod Stewart - Do ya think I'm sexy?

With all those things aside, I am planning a new adventure. Not into the world of beauty pageants as it SHOULD be happening, but more realistic ideals. (this wont stop me putting MY baby into a beauty pageant, and I can push my little girl into a world of insecurity, a la 300 style.) I am putting my ducks in a row, (pay no attention to the girl BEHIND the curtain), I am facing reality. Even though, it is hard, I have to. Getting older is inevitable. Dying happens. Guess what though? I have known of at least 4 funerals the past 2 weeks. which forces me to look at life. I say it all the time, I know, I know. But I am going to church tomorrow. I don't care if I show up in jeans. I'm going, and we are going to EARLY service. I read a bible verse this morning that has dug into me like a rider on a horse pursuing feeexes. foxes. Feex. Back to the bible verse.

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?" Galatians 5:7 Well, me. And outside temptation. I have to get back in the race.

things have been difficult for all of us. 2009 was a whopper. 2010, is going to be better. I don't know how, but I think it CAN be better. I slept remarkably well last night and today I face freedom. I guess it all will be okay. I have a flurry of emotions, some familiar, some not quite comfortable. I am trying to come to grips with changes. Changes within. Watching others go through trying, turbulent changes. A metamorphosis almost. Ready to let go. Move forward. See it in a different light. I want the best, so I hope for the best. I see a lot of weakness in the strong. I realize how frail the powerful can become. I grasp at the way to comfort. I try not to stare with my eyes wide open like a lamb. In some ways I treasure how naive I have been. Sometimes I am grateful for the way I have had to cope. the other day when I talked about March being traumatic and a troubling month, I suppose it always will be. The weather pattern changes here in March, which provides an outlet of a whole other level. We all get that tingle of renewal, that hope. Winter is long. It effects our moods. I complain all through winter. Here is the bottom line. We all feel we get the short end of the stick, so if were all gonna be in the same boat, there's no one else I rather be in it with.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Just let it out already!

Dear Self,

It's time to let your guard down and be real about what you really want. So Dear Self, what are these dirty little desires? For one, I would love to fast forward to the times of having B in my life to help in day to day life. It's very demanding and difficult to do things by myself all the time. Like carrying groceries, 40 lb bag of dog food, all at the same time, try not to fall in the yard, fend LBD off me while I struggle to unlock the door at night so I don't have to make repeated trips. (you make shit hard on yourself!!! SELF!!!) Keep up with having my oil changed!!! It sounds petty, but it's MAN WORK. (Judge me!) I enjoyed being married, but I didn't enjoy being married and living life on my own. after being told Dear Self how you needed to work more, make more money, mow the yard, take care of dinner, take care of the cars, haul off the trash, blah, blah, blah...... I will not go back to that. B, please read! I will leave you!!! I do it all now, like I did then and at least I don't have to hear someone tell me they love me in one breath and remind me why they think I am a uber slacker in the next breath. Please, Learn that your words are horribly toxic now!!!! Regret this as you drink your favorite (fill in the blank here) drink mixed with rat poison. Hello, 9 to 5!!!!

The B comments, about how I would leave you, please understand I haven't seen any of these dangerous character flaws and wouldn't even dream of just being your girlfriend if you did display these random acts of selfishness. I love you. Let's move on here.

Self, I love you. I want better for you. That sinking feeling you get in your stomach is normal. All these desires you have are valid. It's YOUR cocoon. Who cares if others want in or not? Look Kid, all I'm trying to say here Self, is you have my support. I have YOUR back. Now get in the game!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Who's that lady?

Quite frankly I cant help but sing like Ms. Piggy when I hear Lady Marmalade. She's my spirit animal and I love to rock out to that song. What has 30 proven? That I am still a girl in the middle of playing dress up and random. I really don't see myself the way others give me credit for. I know a good portion of where my ancestors are buried in the county I reside in. I remember I am human. B and I see eye to eye a great portion of the time. One might say I am naive in the stock I put in him. (the negative part of my brain) One might say I am wise to cling to the one who has/invests great stock in me. He asked when I wanted to be engaged. I was unsure of how to answer. I wanted to say right now! But I know the time isn't right. For now. I am a screaming baby. He knows when to pick me up and knows when to leave me alone and let me cry it out. Last night, I was fearful. Strike that. The past few nights I have been fearful. The emotion put all these little eggs in a basket that I hadn't really experienced in a while. Or at least acknowledged. Sometimes, just like you, I am tired of being alone. Sometimes, I expect you to deal with things no matter what. essentially, there's no crying in baseball. I wont be alone in my marriage with B. I wont except not having a full partner. We will both have to work hard at coming together and standing our ground. Chances are we will be a success. Back to fear, it hit hard. Fear crept so swiftly that I couldn't walk outside by myself last night. Like I do daily. I walk in the dark because I have to. Usually not because I want to. Being in the dark had become therapeutic. Like when the worst thing to you happens you realize it really wasn't the worst thing. My moment of clarity had left me. Hopefully it's coming back. I have no real reason to be scared of the dark. 1. I have a shotgun. 2. I have a super cool flashlight that is kind of a weapon. 3. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and just do the things you are scared of. I did have dreams last night. This one that was strangely comforting was of 2 dead men. Men I grew up with. In my dream they were apparently ghosts. Ghosts still living in my life encouraging me. I also had a seizure in my dream. The 2 events sound kind of scary, right? It turns out I wanted to keep dreaming that dream. whatever that means. I just remember how blue their eyes were.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Dorian Gray told me so....

there was the portrait that Oscar Wilde told me I would find. when he was found out. Found in Dorian Gray. when you don't feel the best, surely the best doesn't come out. I agree, but only half-hearted. It's a weak effort on my half, since I pull on the wishbone from last years turkey. The skin is tough and hard to jab my teeth through as I feel wicked and exposed. Mostly weak from so hard. I barely felt the bite. I didn't know how to open my eyes so I kept them shut. When I found out you had plagiarized so well I was amused. I walked up the driveway the same way. I knew you wouldn't set foot in the doorway. as long as it was easy for you. that you made up on your very own. i dont worry about you following me since the charade was so transparent. I did have to "show my work." and being "G" and all too! What a shock to my system. it was you not showing "your work." Shit. 50 hours. That's nothing. Shit. that's normal. I have to drive an hour! shit. I have to listen to your mouth, but no one pity's me! shit. can you make more money? can you shut your trap? no.

the apostrophe's were all wrong. Written in red pen just for pomp and circumstance. when i couldn't do any more to please you, you had already moved on. I couldn't get past it. But if the shoe were on the other foot, I guess you couldn't get over it either. we have our jobs. we have our wrought hands. we have our divine interventions. we barely bat an eyelash. and its yours and its mine. I had hand made all these. it was easy to wait. it was a struggle to wait. i had not counted all my eggs. i didn't even know they could hatch. i tried not to let that burr irritate me. so I escaped. unscathed. wild abandon. rare gem.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Just call me Priscilla

Queen of the Desert.

Or. Piedmont mountain.

Either way, I think it's flashy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Im tied up in knots and feel like I have been totally let go of. Sometimes my feeling is warranted by downright fact. I find myself fearful of the unknown when the unknown is the only thing I can hang on to and be truly sure of. My free spirit was totally choked yesterday and stoned to death before even waking up. I had bad dreams and bad tastes in my mouth before opening my eyes. And you can forget about my heart. Let's not forget how restless I was. Still am. Today. This morning. My struggle between good Superman and bad Superman has eerily had it's ultimate beginning. The halter was tight. I feel myself gagging from constriction. I hate it. Besides the horrible dejected feeling I brought on myself, I feel as if there may be no way out. As if I am in this maze of distruction. I scream at you. Tell you my miscontent. The ghosts were a terror last night. (not Champ, nor The Notorious T.I.G.E.R) The ghosts of my past, my failures, the blazing guns and empty shells. I layed in the bed. Lonely. NO matter the self improvement, I layed there. Praying. Crying out. I prayed for myself, my family. I prayed for resolution. Acceptance. I prayed for The Nason's, The White's. I prayed for Jme. I prayed for her future husband to come out of the wood works. I prayed for longer days and short nights. I prayed for needs and frivolous wants. I prayed for Randy to know Christ. I prayed for thirsty, hungry. Needy. I reached out and hoped for the best. I counted the stars and for every number I prayed for B to have a job interview today. I prayed. I longed. I asked.

Then I was as asleep as I was restless, and at 5 am, Champ had to get up and pee. We went back to bed and I swear we parlayed kick the can in bed as if we were 2 buffalo fighting in a pillowcase. Notorious was under the bed whining. I woke up without socks on. SO I think the other buffalo won. I guess I can let it go for now.

All I can ask is Why didnt I? Just like the darn tootsie roll sucker commercials! I guess the world may never know. I feel unchecked. Unmarked. What will I do? Im not hungry. Just 30. I am immaculately 30. Still on a roaming path. Still fighting mice in my heads. All "Nutcracker" style. (they have on little jackets.) I think I can be understood. Have a drink of validation. Wonder why it feels like an eternity. I even wanted tequila yesterday. All chilled and lime in my teeth. It made zero sense. (chase with a Dos Equis......)

I also have been having unrealistic daydreams about snakes. What does THAT mean? I mean, like being really afraid to go on hikes and have to pee because I might be bit on the butt if I tried to pop a squat. I know, right? Er, or having snakes hiding in my toilet. I think these are kind of valid fears but I still need to suck my thumb and wait it all out. I'm just freaked out by that shiz I guess. Word. SO all in all this is where I am. I want more. I need more. I pray more. I see change, I promote change, I welcome change. I want blessings, I receive blessings, I am thankful. I need more finely tuned apparitions on the horizon. But closer.

I miss my Friends!!! I miss them far away. I miss them. I struggle for competency right now. and hope B doesnt go flying into the woods. I am blaringly a nervous wreck. Burned.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Shadow Boxing Acceptance

Boxers on alert! Champ finds himself all enamored with the heater in the bedroom. Which of course turns him all splotchy red and white and pink and i get all concerned. To the ones who dont know, the oil has ran out of my stove - which heats the house - so here we go living with space heaters. blah. The weather has been mild so we havent used them a whole lot but i also dance around the house in flannel pjs slathered in old lady lotion and wool socks pulled up to my thighs. (sigh) we have been living this life for a week. At first I was having raging headaches but I was also a prized candidate for "PMS." Which alternatively stands for Paula's Misguided Sanity. Just if you needed to know. Headaches have eased, and the curse came upon us. (cover your eyes) turns out all is well in the land of TMI. Welcome.

Most of the time this is me: Huh?

You: Repeating what you said.

Me: I cling to you like a security blanket!

You: It's okay.

I bought 1 pair of shorts Sunday. Im super proud of myself. Which sounds like a pitiful whine. maybe baby. I have given away jeans that do not fit. Will not fit. and I will not be a waif again so I dont need your size small tomfoolery. I gave these items to my niece. Which she was super excited. It made me feel good. remotely grown up. I dont know if turning 30 made me cling to the past or catapulted me into acceptance. I think both. The reason size 3's dont fit? Is because I have hips. Nice ones at that. I have a booty. It's not bu-dunk-ba-dunk, or J.Lo-esqe. Its just mine. and it belongs in a decent pair of shorts. or jeans. or whatever. I have made a little bag of shorts that will go to her too. my short selection doesnt fit because I have a rear. (thats why pickle-pear) no biggie. okay, nut that. it is a big deal. because I try to wear things that dont fit because of fear/anxiety/no beuno. the buck end here apparently. (I look normal)

also, you love me the way i am. (no looking back)

B said: You really NEED a laptop.

Me: things come and go. things will come soon.

B: I know.

B and his back hurting mess he is. Which he does to himself. Ya. I said it. BUT. He does so many things he may not WANT to do. Like being understanding. Taking me by the hand and waiting for me to try on shorts that I am afraid of. Er, driving to Sevierville on a busy Sunday afternoon. UH, not killing us in the red machine of camaraderie. Remember, baby steps. (facilitate my life)

I need my wits about me since I expect a group of eels to attack, so I MUST go.

I filed my taxes today. (its about time)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Battle of Shiloh

I just remembered the dream I had Thursday morning. All I could remember of the dream was that I was crying. I went to bed with Bull Durham on..... then I woke up feeling, well, traumatized. Turns out I had a dream about buying shorts and high heels. B was in my dream. with that being here nor there, my dream ended up being all "bad" and crap. ha. turns out I really dont remember any of my dream. Just the small details.

So what about the big picture? Unfortunately, this is happens in real life. Constantly. We all wake up crying/dream we have been crying. when in reality, maybe we just need to cry it all out. I HAVE to hug it out. Daily. I hug the smelly dogs. I "air hug" the step brothers. If I get too close to them, they just start nibbling. those 2 care nothing of human life. Live and serve. (Hold me.)

Alright. So I have no idea why I had been crying in the dream. Or what it has to do with shorts. One thing I am digging? Is acceptance. She's a hard mistress, but the more I settle in with her, I find her ways endearing. As hard as the road feels, it always leads home. AND home is where the heart is. Oh, and where the coffee brews too.

this morning I heard the song on the swiffer commercial - Who's that lady and crap. I really dig that song. I really dig those commercials also. The one in the attic with the stuffed doll? And the cat is all "Hey biatches." Just like a pussy to get in the middle. (This means YOU Stepbrothers.)

Remember, it's just water. It will all clean up. Don't you dare make me mention the sadist/masochist Queen Bee of them all, TIME. She is relentless. Overbearing, giving you a feeling of wanting to hold a pillow over her face as she sleeps. BUT SHE NEVER SLEEEEEEEPS. What a cheater. Bear with me. I think I am trying to be a pillar of support here.

Uh, back to acceptance. I am accepting many flaws I see in myself. I am loved by folks. I have a rapid supply of support from a beautiful array of folks. I like this. The good junk brings it all around to being able to see the "good" things about me. Which helps me see the "good" in troubling situations. Such as but not limited to "feeling like dog poo." ( Due to the good weather, I am on "dog poo" pick-up.) rar. Long story short? I am terrified of buying shorts and it does make me cry, but I really think the dream was about self-acceptance.

You want me a little further off the beaten path? Come on then, and pull up your socks. Geez. I am worried. About everything. My normal 5 AM prayer? Was long and tortured. I was fighting sleep cause I wanted it all out. then, I realized I need to pray with a little more purpose. Which isnt bad. I'm just going to try. And decipher where all the bones LBD keeps dragging into the yard. Oh, and load the .22. Sit out in the sunlight and clean that thing is what I should do. DONT WORRY. Mama taught me every thing I know. BTW, no worries. Today, I am going to go where the rocks kinda meet a SINKHOLE. I am. IDC. Thats I dont care to the rest of you. I think theres treasure there.

Uh, so pick up poop for one. Trouble finding for 2. Rocking it all out in knee socks for 3. Oh, and hoping B doesnt burst into flames in the meantime. I love you Nason's.

I'm moving to The Meadows. Meet you there!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Thursday. It is Thursday, Right?

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

by Christopher Brennan

If questioning would make us wise
No one would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and and faint and sweetly bleed?

Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

Monday, March 1, 2010

on the high horse, side saddle....

Patience is a virtue. But what about the mean time? Your footprint is larger than mine and this means desolate wasteland. I heard the buttons pop off inside. It was strange. and how bout those people out there criticising every last thing I revere? These are MY ears. I will clean them however I see fit. (dont judge me.) yes, drinking water does help that water weight run off your body quickly. promise. he said it again, about how he could see a beautiful life. it made me smile. even with very little we had. If I could move the world, I would. Without effort. last year at this time, i wanted change and it did brew. I am in a different place then than now. I am hopeful for the same next year. new joy. new battles. we wait with pleasure for our portion. like 2 baby birds perched in the tree. mouths open. eyes open. squawking. we wait for our portion. with pleasure. im a believer. i dont think i did anything wrong, it was all i could say.

Personal sanctuary I am in. a few minutes. not forgetting I am loved. you make me precious. no doubt in my mind. cultivate the flame. one day, we'll get to take a break. all week long. we want the same goal. we wait for our portion. with pleasure. hand in the glove. im glad i used the last of your ink. the new pen is much more pleasing. at least this new pen sang like a bird. i wasnt shy anymore.

For better or for worse

sometimes which is better? we all have battle scars, open wounds, full plates, closed ears. products of closed hearts. no time. most spread too thin. i feel exiled. i have Napoleon syndrome. and with this sin, i am unchecked. my downfall. thinking too good to bear it all. pride. my pickle. sour. didnt we almost have it all Whitney? HELL TO THE NO. just as i thought. when does the philanthropy begin? where is my humble pie? taken with my measurements. my darling deserves more than me, yet he longs to be with me. i do it on my own now. with very little left over. i work for free. my strength drawn from The Lord, My Father, My God. He is sovereign. and shows me grace daily. sometimes I am alone. then I know He is there. sometimes i doubt and dont know. My Lord, the One I serve and will teach my children to serve shows me I done need to know. He always restores my hope. When i feel empty, My Father fills my cup. He is relentless in provision. I am thankful.

the days are not long enough. these days are too short. i will keep trying. i believe in today. im glad we are on the same page. you accept my quiet beauty. you have an understanding heart. My God is with me. Our God is with us. Never failing. Always looking ahead.

In the crows nest. (always a Navy girl at heart.)

Cant you feel the waves? the salt on your lips?

Polaroid Picture

I had a pretty violent dream last night that has possibly promoted something, an emotion I havent felt in a while. Which is hope. oddly enough. I dont want to talk about the dream but it did include a church, a computer, and a girl i havent seen since, um, high school. the really odd part is i didnt really recognize her in the dream until later. or i convinced myself i had seen her in the dream. we werent that close either. (and i was VERY angry with her.) which makes it all more the odd. anyhow, i have been reflecting today. normally as of lately, i have been experiencing kind of new feelings. which is good. i am trying to explore these feelings. which is healthy. taking time away from things that truly drain me, and in essence i didnt think I could live without. i am a new creature minute but minute. it is slow. all of this.

B has been helpful. B will continue to be helpful. hes my catapult of satisfaction. he is instrumental in finding that i do love myself. i am super ready for a vacation. i am ready to have the time of my life. this is happening. relief comes in different packages. i just dont want the feeling of "held back." discouragement is a choice, as the sign said Sue. B and i have similar daydreams. which i discover more and more. comfort i long for is here. B isnt the magic catalyst though. i can recognize this. i am more wise than i give myself credit for. (on occasion) B had to become a vessel for me. he earned. he sustained.

I could have abandoned ship. i wanted to. i still want to. i am still the Gribble in the mens briefs. hiding in the trees. eerily convinced of conspiracy theories. i hope B has an interview soon. he would benefit from a job. we could move forward. we could be our dream. i could quit pushing people out of my life. instead of being friends, i completely ignore you. which is what i felt had been done to me. its strange. i just cling to understanding. we long for normalcy. at least a portion of it. i still pray at 5 am when i get back in bed. we play dress up all day long then it comes to and end then our reality comes plunging in. which isnt fair, or so it feels. we lay in conundrum. not that i reign in superiority. we just long for our portion. he asked who would throw a party? i noted no one. i did a good job. really the opposite. we long for our portion. this is where we are.

we want to be beautiful and coveted and flash of sun on our shoulders. we long for out portion. we look around daily for a glimpse of how it will be. the drastic changes are underfoot, and we shiver from excitement. im not much in the mood to explore. the weather is ratty. i freeze. that makes it tougher. we long for our portion. i want to see it soon.

here I am doing homework. staying informed. embracing our idiosyncrasies. im trying not to be completely ridiculous here, but how did we get HERE? the life doesnt look the same. the smell is so different its strangely intoxicating. BOO BITCHESSSS!

B and I a have a list of things to do tomorrow! B is coming here so the dogs dont have to be cage dogs, but if they act up and act a damn fool, you guessed it. they will be cage dogs. when all they have to do is be good dogs. looking up good dogs in the dictionary? forget finding T and C. you will find LBD under sufficiently good outside dog there though. and under hellbent pussies - you will find an endearing picture of the stepbrothers. (hold laugh in) I love all 5 of them. regardless of good dog/cage dog/sufficiently good outside dog/hellbent puss status. LOVE THEM.

we have to take off garbage. thats all on the "have to" list for tomorrow. if the weather is bad, er, hopefully, good, we will take the lot on a walk. which will help take the copious amounts of energy the T and C seem to relish and harness and terrify me. Bring it. I CAN ALWAYS BATHE THEM. Say it with me now. we will be having something salad and something homemade for lunch. i am looking forward to a nesting day tomorrow. those days always seem to be the best.

i guess we can wait and see what he will do.