Im tied up in knots and feel like I have been totally let go of. Sometimes my feeling is warranted by downright fact. I find myself fearful of the unknown when the unknown is the only thing I can hang on to and be truly sure of. My free spirit was totally choked yesterday and stoned to death before even waking up. I had bad dreams and bad tastes in my mouth before opening my eyes. And you can forget about my heart. Let's not forget how restless I was. Still am. Today. This morning. My struggle between good Superman and bad Superman has eerily had it's ultimate beginning. The halter was tight. I feel myself gagging from constriction. I hate it. Besides the horrible dejected feeling I brought on myself, I feel as if there may be no way out. As if I am in this maze of distruction. I scream at you. Tell you my miscontent. The ghosts were a terror last night. (not Champ, nor The Notorious T.I.G.E.R) The ghosts of my past, my failures, the blazing guns and empty shells. I layed in the bed. Lonely. NO matter the self improvement, I layed there. Praying. Crying out. I prayed for myself, my family. I prayed for resolution. Acceptance. I prayed for The Nason's, The White's. I prayed for Jme. I prayed for her future husband to come out of the wood works. I prayed for longer days and short nights. I prayed for needs and frivolous wants. I prayed for Randy to know Christ. I prayed for thirsty, hungry. Needy. I reached out and hoped for the best. I counted the stars and for every number I prayed for B to have a job interview today. I prayed. I longed. I asked.
Then I was as asleep as I was restless, and at 5 am, Champ had to get up and pee. We went back to bed and I swear we parlayed kick the can in bed as if we were 2 buffalo fighting in a pillowcase. Notorious was under the bed whining. I woke up without socks on. SO I think the other buffalo won. I guess I can let it go for now.
All I can ask is Why didnt I? Just like the darn tootsie roll sucker commercials! I guess the world may never know. I feel unchecked. Unmarked. What will I do? Im not hungry. Just 30. I am immaculately 30. Still on a roaming path. Still fighting mice in my heads. All "Nutcracker" style. (they have on little jackets.) I think I can be understood. Have a drink of validation. Wonder why it feels like an eternity. I even wanted tequila yesterday. All chilled and lime in my teeth. It made zero sense. (chase with a Dos Equis......)
I also have been having unrealistic daydreams about snakes. What does THAT mean? I mean, like being really afraid to go on hikes and have to pee because I might be bit on the butt if I tried to pop a squat. I know, right? Er, or having snakes hiding in my toilet. I think these are kind of valid fears but I still need to suck my thumb and wait it all out. I'm just freaked out by that shiz I guess. Word. SO all in all this is where I am. I want more. I need more. I pray more. I see change, I promote change, I welcome change. I want blessings, I receive blessings, I am thankful. I need more finely tuned apparitions on the horizon. But closer.
I miss my Friends!!! I miss them far away. I miss them. I struggle for competency right now. and hope B doesnt go flying into the woods. I am blaringly a nervous wreck. Burned.