Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Who's that lady?

Quite frankly I cant help but sing like Ms. Piggy when I hear Lady Marmalade. She's my spirit animal and I love to rock out to that song. What has 30 proven? That I am still a girl in the middle of playing dress up and random. I really don't see myself the way others give me credit for. I know a good portion of where my ancestors are buried in the county I reside in. I remember I am human. B and I see eye to eye a great portion of the time. One might say I am naive in the stock I put in him. (the negative part of my brain) One might say I am wise to cling to the one who has/invests great stock in me. He asked when I wanted to be engaged. I was unsure of how to answer. I wanted to say right now! But I know the time isn't right. For now. I am a screaming baby. He knows when to pick me up and knows when to leave me alone and let me cry it out. Last night, I was fearful. Strike that. The past few nights I have been fearful. The emotion put all these little eggs in a basket that I hadn't really experienced in a while. Or at least acknowledged. Sometimes, just like you, I am tired of being alone. Sometimes, I expect you to deal with things no matter what. essentially, there's no crying in baseball. I wont be alone in my marriage with B. I wont except not having a full partner. We will both have to work hard at coming together and standing our ground. Chances are we will be a success. Back to fear, it hit hard. Fear crept so swiftly that I couldn't walk outside by myself last night. Like I do daily. I walk in the dark because I have to. Usually not because I want to. Being in the dark had become therapeutic. Like when the worst thing to you happens you realize it really wasn't the worst thing. My moment of clarity had left me. Hopefully it's coming back. I have no real reason to be scared of the dark. 1. I have a shotgun. 2. I have a super cool flashlight that is kind of a weapon. 3. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and just do the things you are scared of. I did have dreams last night. This one that was strangely comforting was of 2 dead men. Men I grew up with. In my dream they were apparently ghosts. Ghosts still living in my life encouraging me. I also had a seizure in my dream. The 2 events sound kind of scary, right? It turns out I wanted to keep dreaming that dream. whatever that means. I just remember how blue their eyes were.

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