Monday, March 1, 2010

Polaroid Picture

I had a pretty violent dream last night that has possibly promoted something, an emotion I havent felt in a while. Which is hope. oddly enough. I dont want to talk about the dream but it did include a church, a computer, and a girl i havent seen since, um, high school. the really odd part is i didnt really recognize her in the dream until later. or i convinced myself i had seen her in the dream. we werent that close either. (and i was VERY angry with her.) which makes it all more the odd. anyhow, i have been reflecting today. normally as of lately, i have been experiencing kind of new feelings. which is good. i am trying to explore these feelings. which is healthy. taking time away from things that truly drain me, and in essence i didnt think I could live without. i am a new creature minute but minute. it is slow. all of this.

B has been helpful. B will continue to be helpful. hes my catapult of satisfaction. he is instrumental in finding that i do love myself. i am super ready for a vacation. i am ready to have the time of my life. this is happening. relief comes in different packages. i just dont want the feeling of "held back." discouragement is a choice, as the sign said Sue. B and i have similar daydreams. which i discover more and more. comfort i long for is here. B isnt the magic catalyst though. i can recognize this. i am more wise than i give myself credit for. (on occasion) B had to become a vessel for me. he earned. he sustained.

I could have abandoned ship. i wanted to. i still want to. i am still the Gribble in the mens briefs. hiding in the trees. eerily convinced of conspiracy theories. i hope B has an interview soon. he would benefit from a job. we could move forward. we could be our dream. i could quit pushing people out of my life. instead of being friends, i completely ignore you. which is what i felt had been done to me. its strange. i just cling to understanding. we long for normalcy. at least a portion of it. i still pray at 5 am when i get back in bed. we play dress up all day long then it comes to and end then our reality comes plunging in. which isnt fair, or so it feels. we lay in conundrum. not that i reign in superiority. we just long for our portion. he asked who would throw a party? i noted no one. i did a good job. really the opposite. we long for our portion. this is where we are.

we want to be beautiful and coveted and flash of sun on our shoulders. we long for out portion. we look around daily for a glimpse of how it will be. the drastic changes are underfoot, and we shiver from excitement. im not much in the mood to explore. the weather is ratty. i freeze. that makes it tougher. we long for our portion. i want to see it soon.

here I am doing homework. staying informed. embracing our idiosyncrasies. im trying not to be completely ridiculous here, but how did we get HERE? the life doesnt look the same. the smell is so different its strangely intoxicating. BOO BITCHESSSS!

B and I a have a list of things to do tomorrow! B is coming here so the dogs dont have to be cage dogs, but if they act up and act a damn fool, you guessed it. they will be cage dogs. when all they have to do is be good dogs. looking up good dogs in the dictionary? forget finding T and C. you will find LBD under sufficiently good outside dog there though. and under hellbent pussies - you will find an endearing picture of the stepbrothers. (hold laugh in) I love all 5 of them. regardless of good dog/cage dog/sufficiently good outside dog/hellbent puss status. LOVE THEM.

we have to take off garbage. thats all on the "have to" list for tomorrow. if the weather is bad, er, hopefully, good, we will take the lot on a walk. which will help take the copious amounts of energy the T and C seem to relish and harness and terrify me. Bring it. I CAN ALWAYS BATHE THEM. Say it with me now. we will be having something salad and something homemade for lunch. i am looking forward to a nesting day tomorrow. those days always seem to be the best.

i guess we can wait and see what he will do.

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