Monday, March 29, 2010

Where I am.

My Facebook status says it all. I do want to eat a hollow chocolate bunny. JUDGE ME. Easter is Sunday. This week is uber busy, and I am grateful. It gives me time no to wish the time away I do have. I was able to see my buddy Shelane yesterday which made me very happy. She joked that she was surprised that B and I weren't married yet. Which made me laugh, but honestly, it's the only thing on my mind lately. I think about it while I take the dogs out, if B and I were married, I could just open the glass doors and let the dogs out. They wouldn't have to be on a leash. I also think at dog letting out time, I wont have to walk out in the dark by myself. I will have a garage to park in. I wont be lonely at night. I wont feel so cut off/left out. These are impossible thoughts to have, it breeds torture. This would be great if I were some beautiful artist, teacher, philanthropist. Torture is the word that does come to mind though. I have money, I torture myself with not taking time off when I need it. I cant buy anything for myself without becoming shamefully guilty. It's really just a big pool of being frightened. Crawling through a lambryinth feeling half satisfied. It feels good just to admit it. Angie sent the most adorable birth announcement to the house with both of our names on the envelope. Josie is gorgeous. It was a huge validation to have his name on the envelope with mine. Apparently I lack validation. Maybe it is offered more than I open my eyes to, but I mainly feel forgotten and flocked. My divorce was hard. It was horrible. It did help transform. Sometimes I feel afflicted. Sometimes I feel as if it maybe a thorn in my side. Progressing in my realationship with B would help validate moving forward also. this is my paradox. One I mind wholeheartedly. One, I am ready to get the giddy up on the horse. Two, I pray for the days to not be so long and hope not to wish them away. Growth is happening and taking place but the pain most of the time doesn't encourage me.

I just talked to my Mama. She said "Maybe you need to take a leap of faith."

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

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