Monday, September 28, 2009
I will stand firm. On my principles, belief system, core values, and overall everyday emotion. God created me with a passionate spirit. I feel it's important to pursue all fires burning in my heart, with said passion.
And you should be terrified. You should. It's going to be okay, but don't say I haven't given fair warning.
Overall - I continue with my short, but encouraging prayer. Dear Lord, Just don't let me wait too long!
Accept responsibility - then react. Take avenues necessary for healing. Do the hard things, it allows the easy tasks to show up. Do them gladly.
On the lighter side? I am wearing "skinny pants." They are not cutting into my thighs like normal, and this puts a smile on my face. Even though I am suspicious. BC, my underthings feel like an over extended rubber band, and if I move too much, they may pop. Turns out - I am wearing too small underthings bought during an emergency hour of my life. Therefore, too small.
And yes, it is a margin irritating.
It's going to be okay. Alright? So stop holding your breath. I still love you.
P.S. Champ fell off the bed last night. He's fine. It was kinda funny.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Ronny French died unexpectedly yesterday. I am tore up. He is my neighbor. His wife was my elementary school principle. Oh, and these people mentioned above, are my family. He had such uncontrollable diabetes that apparently killed him. Well, it was complications from diabetes. Did you hear me? Diabetes!!!! What an incredible example of how your body can hold you captive. And kill you. This is why I freak about food a lot of the time. I GET reality. I look at my family history. I understand what I come from. I may never forget this, one day we were sittin' at the store playin' rook and Ronny was telling how he loved raw potato. Bertie Jean was cookin' some, and he grab a small piece. It made his blood sugar go through the roof. Really? A tiny piece of potato?
So the next time you think I am being silly about food and weight and all that jazz. Please think of Ronny French and try to have some understanding of my issue. It's painful. And I won't ever relax about it.
Another thing, stop being so fucking pissy with your partner. If they are fucking up, you need to talk to them about it. The issue will not resolve itself, and some don't have the luxury you have to express the way you feel to your partner. If you're not strong enough to tell your partner, call your Pastor. He or she would be glad to help you. That's the end of that rant. And please take those words to heart, I don't have the gumption to keep that little cookie in any longer. Alright?
If you can't tell, I am in a raw dog mood. It's not puppies and sunshine today. I'm elated about it too.
Another thing, Mama is on my nerves, and she doesn't even know it. She started in on how she wants Daddy to sell the farm. Oh, don't worry about me, she told me! She and Daddy would buy me a little house! (This is sarcasm, in case you were wondering.) Being a burden isn't easy as you all can gather. It's not very fun, it's not very pleasant to be involved in either. What to do now? Just let everything fall down around me? Surrender to having nothing? Again? She reminded me that people start over all the time, and later in life. Oh really? Do those folks have a support system in place? Because I feel like mine is falling apart to my ankles like a shot pair of pantyhose.
Would it matter I feel like things are coming to blows in cataclysmic proportions? Would it matter if it does shatter? What next? I'm asking you. And your opinion, WHAT NEXT?
I'm sorry if any of this has hurt anyone's feelings. I'm sorry if it has made anyone's neck hot, and experience the swelling of your lips, and make them tremble. My apologies if the tears are hot on your cheeks. This is it though. This is me. So instead of being worried about me, believing I am negative,or thinking I'm too hurt, or too hot to handle, maybe the focus should be on yourself. And your scope.
Because actually, I'm just fine.
P.S. Sad over the Sox losing, but they continue on too. (Warriors!)
Friday, September 25, 2009
I'm asking nicely to everyone to put away their daggers and try like hell not to stab me the next few weeks. Like it or not, ROCK IT or not, October is a traumatic time for me. I hope it doesn't always feel this way. But it might. I can understand when I have heard the old folks talk about the day JFK was shot. Do you remember where you were? Apparently, I am addicted to emotions, feelings. I love the whole scheme of it all. Its grand comfort. Even when I clench my teeth and smile.
Turns out, here I am with "Whats next." Any suggestions? I could be a championship bull rider. I could opt out and live off the grid. I could, finish a thought. Maybe, I will just begin. You know, wing it. Whole heartedly, arms wide open, eyes, wide shut.
Zero dreams this week, and I'm glad. They generally exhaust me. I look too deeply at everything. I examine every morsel with a microscope. And sometimes that isn't fair. To me. I push possibilities out the door before they take off the hat and coat. Generally speaking that is.
Bryan told me he needed help with the farm. Being sick has pushed us farther back. Its disappointing. Its difficult. To be sick. First and foremost, I have been so terribly sick I have been unable to anything. (Did it stop me from doing inside chores? Never!) I have not been able to move trees, load trucks, burn anything down. Its bullshit. It compels me to anger, and we all know how quick to anger I am. (%$&#*!@) Hoping to get back on track and somehow wrangle in some help. I believe I have a plan, and like all things remotely screwy, its working together in my little head.
1. Finish farm, work way down to road.
2. Hang new door.
3. Finish table.
4. Finish anything.
P.S. We all have the power to be exceptional.
1 Corinthians 12:21
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!"
And the head cannot say to the feet,
"I don't need you!"
If you see where I am going with this, Congratulations. Because I do need you. I'm not willing to cut off my feet or hands in a futile effort to be lame. I continually need our friendships to maintain some kind of stable footing. I do. If I have to labor, then I just have to. The fruit has and will continue to be rewarding. I will see it flourish. I am that strong. Just not Army strong.
I am still praying. Going to church Sunday. ( I pronounce it, SUN-DEE ) I cant wait. If I cry, I cry. If I don't, then... well, if I don't, something might be wrong with me. There it is. I have drawn conclusions and I am sticking with them. (This is where you sign your name on the dotted line.)
I might be having a Jimmy Buffet moment. (Hell, it could be my fault.) Taking responsibility isn't easy. And I hate it. I'm not very good with realizing I may have screwed up. I am though, working things out. I am moving on. I am, cracking open the champagne on the boat. Its on. Its so flippin shove off time. So either move out of the way or join the maiden voyage. It may be a real heart breaker. It might end our dance. It may make you take the lead. Who knows? But its here.
Whitney called. She asked "How will I know if he really loves me?" I told her I would call her back on that matter..... you know, @ a decent hour, and not when shes in the shower....
I still think, in this reality, Mr. Pattison hair, Tyler Durden disposition man is somewhere in the mountains, finishing his great masterpiece of a novel. He probably talks about me the same way I talk about him. Fondly. Right? Its too close to tell. Meantime, I maintain my loyalty to the man. Scouts honor.
In String Theory, we are planning our vacation.......
Do you really think I believe you have forgotten about me? No. Even though I agreed that the shoes don't fit, you still questioned the size. How shallow, Hal. How shallow. There's always margin for error, and you should have already manned up. Am I disappointed? Hardly. Since your running history isn't spotless. But remember, we can always turn around. We can always head in a new direction. I'm staring at you at this point in the game. And maybe a touch resentful. I do feel better to reveal that part of my nature. You know, the rat on the boat that eats everything, all greedy like. (No one likes that part of you, PLN)
So I'm still all crazy bones about what I am eating. Even though, I have had pizza the past two days, and I may vomit from said ingestion. I will recover though.
My life continues to be amazing by the way, or BTW, depends on your experience..... or Paula experience, whatever.... but!!! Jeff Lewis has a blog. On his website. And, on BravoTV. I am losing my mind. Angie hasn't helped, being the ring leader of said facilitation. Oh yes she is!That's who pointed out these 2 genius things I adore. Blogging and Jeff Lewis!!!???? Are you kidding me? Consider me to be a complete woman!!!! I can waste away into oblivion now. Its totally like giving Scooby, a Scooby snack. Ya know he gets all freaked out, and cant wait. Mouth watering. If loving Jeff Lewis is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I still want to blow $400.00 each on beautiful dresses on that etsy shop link Sue had sent. I do. Most of them are exclusive, and custom, and vintage. It makes me wanna blow my head off, recover all parts, re glue them together, and do it all over again. I would fit in most of these dresses. Except for the chesty sized dresses. Just sayin'. I would have to stuff. With knee socks.
Do you think that's enough? At least for now, right?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
But he wont like them. (Angie, you may be the only one who will get that reference.)
Oh my gosh. If you are not watching Flipping Out on Bravo, you might as well kill yourself now. Hes my new role model. My go to. My Cherie amore. Wow. Bold statement. I cant help it. His magic is so wonderful, it makes me giddy. And, ready to grab my prison shank.
Listen, I would just wave at Jeff. (Like I wave at cows.) Thats so what I do when I really like something. (Usually inanimate objects, but we all have to make sacrifices, right?)
I would run wild with Zoila, (his housekeeper) and we would consult with Angie how to make the most efficient prank calls. (Shes a genius.)
I just cant take it.
So what's so bad, about feelin' good? Nothing as far as Ben Lee and I are concerned. I dig his lyrics. I woke up pretty raw dog today. I woke up late, had to leave the house early, it was still dark!!! The past few days I have been the biggest scardy cat. I cant even watch CSI Miami. Everything is shaking me up. Last night didnt help. I was on the phone, (shocker) pattin' my foot on the floor, which made Tiger insane. He starts barking, and growling. Basically, I start getting scared. Then, out of nowhere, Champ jumps off the couch, gallops into the kitchen, and starts barking. I remind Champ, that he is deaf, and to stop feeding off the paranoia that Tiger has created. But he doesnt stop. Which scares me more. At that point, I had gotten off the phone. then I decide Champ has to pee. (Cause he shot me pee pee eyes.) Of course, I called Bryan, phone in hand Champs lead on my arm, gun on my shoulder, I take them out. No one is out there, but champ almost takes my head off when he decides to chase the cat. Bull shit. Bryan, of course, offered to come up, I told him no. He offered to call his dad, to call my dad, then offered to call Brian Woods down the road. No, no, no. Im fine. Er, I will be. and, I was. Fine. that is. Still am.
Well, this is where I remind us all. Its important to adopt an attitude. Especially when you stand out so much. Susceptible to attack. Im absolutely an equivalent to Moby Dick. I have to be aggressive. Assert myself. Im just that tough. and animated.
Back to Champ, he is busy on a nightly basis, staying effectively busy with the couch afghan. He has a firm belief the thing will learn its lesson and help the thing meet its demise, if he has anything to do with it. (Lord willing, Champ would like to add.)
See ya in the funny papers. And, oh yeah, I still miss you!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
If you were wondering, it's not lonely in my mind. Why I'm actually untangled. And remotely drama-free. It's coming you know. The cold. Which I am terrified of, and obsessed with bringing it up. I love you too. Not that I want to leave. It's just that I need to visit. ELSEWHERE. But, not away from my sweet Champ. Whoops. Too bad he isn't travel friendly. Through no fault of his own. Like I have been warning you, and telling you, and holding the pendulum in your face to try like hell to hypnotize you....... Change is here. Still on it's way. Without a doubt there have been times I have been waiting with my arms crossed. Or waving my arms frantically so conjure up some movement. Have I been worn down? Hell to the no. (Thank you Whitney)
I'm still busy. And still relentless. And, hopeful. Yep, you read correctly, I am hopeful. With no other reason than just I feel it in my belly. I am hopeful. I would love to maintain this feeling. It's beautiful. And perfect.
But, on the other hand..... I am HUNGRY! Hungry for all new things, hungry for more optimism, and also still too proud to know when I need help. (my fault)
It's going to be okay. Tell yourself this. And, remind me. Please.
I love you. Did you know that? Crazy. I thought you should know.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tiger, you guessed it, has enjoyed laying under the blanket by my feet. Utterly content with staying by my side. Out of laziness? No. Out of guardianship. Tiger, the Sherriff, would not let me down, nor leave me alone.
Ladybird, just wants in. Guess what? Just wants to eat. And howl. And, maybe come inside.
Back to me. See? See? This is how self absorbed I can be. Who knew? I'm continually having a Caddyshack moment. Mama asked me if we could go shootin' for my birthday. I said "Hell yeah." That's my Mama. But it also means she wants to "talk" about something. It's either, sit on the couch, or "Would you like to go to the shooting range?" It's probably a discussion on how my birthday is coming, and how I should prepare for a melt down. Er, possible meltdown. Either way, I believe I am prepared and have done a lot of soul searching over the 4 days in the bed, dreaming of Bill Murray.
BC, he's a dreamboat.
But you were made to rub me first...... I love you too Chevy Chase. Even though, you are clumsy with the baby oil in the bed. I still love you. Call me!
Still lots of dreams lately. Beach house dreams. Scary dreams. I did ask the kidnapper this time, Why? He said, "If I can't have you, no one else can." Point taken. Quite a bit of clarity received from that dream also. Dreams are so telling. If you allow them to tell you the story. Or if you have the patience. I don't want to miss out, and I now know, my patience is being rewarded. Everything is changing, and I am happy for it. Some changes, are hard to swallow and face.
I realized there may be a person trying to prohibit your growth. Don't allow this. Step back, and take account. It's painful. But necessary. And positive!!!!
I have not been receiving good news. With being sick, missing work, missing life. My dreams were also in black and white while I have been sick. It made me kinda shake. I need the color. Oh yeah, in all my dreams, I'm still wearing lingerie. It's my penance. It's a hoot.
Maybe I need to be dressed up like a baby doll on a daily basis. I might love that. I would like to see what you all would put me in. Maybe we can make a paper doll out of me. One would take me as presented. In sweatpants. In a wife beater, with knee socks.
Wrap me up in a perfect bow.
Don't criticize what you don't understand. Bob Dylan
Any man who could say, I'll make you happy. I promise.
But is there a man out there who would sit with me at dusk, run through the woods. Eat a snack with me. Let me cut an apple. Discuss art. Allow me to breathe. Let me wear big fuzzy sweaters and little skinny leggings, and floppy old rain boots. Would they? Sure. He's somewhere.
The great thing is, right now I have a beautiful group of friends who allow me to be this way. RIGHT NOW!!!!! I look at them in awe and wonder how they deal with the facets, of me. How the hell they are not blinded.
Then, I remember the huge black sunglasses I hand out with each friendship. We all look stupid in them, but we surely get a kick out of it.
Movie. Terry had rented The Watchmen for me. Which, I wasn't that into it, I was sick, and cranky, remember? I was disappointed I didn't see this in the theater. CAN I REMIND YOU ABOUT STAR TREK? That movie frickin' saved my life. It was beautiful.
The Watchmen did not disapoint. It was great. A perfect piece of work. And Rorsach's journal? Starts a day after my birthday, and I would have been 6. You all know how weird I am with numbers, and dates, and I am always pulling some phenomenal bullshit. I don't have the time to elaborate, but it all made sense.
And not just in String Theory.
I never forget her, baby. I could make out with String Theory.
If you cant tell, I still don't feel up to speed. But watch out!
I'm putting out fire with gasoline. And having a 3 way conversation with David Bowie.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I'm sick. I mean, I'm kind of sick. My throat is scratchy, I coughed like a demon in Terry's truck last night. I had to lay on his lap during 20 questions at Adam's. (Crib Delight!) That thing never guessed we were a Pussywagon....... I had fun anyway. The 3 of us also talking real gay last night. Totally. While I had my head stuffed in a High Times magazine. (Don't you judge me!)
Nose bleed? What nose bleed?
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18
That verse has been my stronghold lately. I mean, what a hopeful verse!!! For years, I didn't understand the Bible, going to church all my life, I did struggle. Its nice to have some light shed, and actually understand why and what I believe that much more. That is hard to say too!!
Lots of thoughts lately. Am I hesitating to grow up? I wish, you could have been nicer. Even you had mentioned the agony of being a third party, friends with married folks, friends with children, it was all a big puzzle. Still, that doesn't mean shit. X + Y = Z. I'm sure, it's compromising. The position you hold. I woke up in the middle of the night and said out loud, you sure are lucky to be sleeping in the same bed with someone else. (It made me hold Champ tighter.) Attached, attacked, and so forth. The audacity of choking back the tears you so desperately fight to bring up into your pitiful tear ducts makes me want to slap you. BUT I DON'T!!!! (your welcome) The only thing that separates our realities is that they are only yours and mine are only mine. What's so bad about feeling good? Nothing at all. Please don't allow anyone to steal your thunder, claim it back, and sit on it. Fuck em. Free to pursue new ideas. A wealth of understanding. This is why discipline is so important along with my favorite word........ NECESSARY.
Act smart. Everyday. Let it be your new beginning and the end of your day. Remember to grip me close to you, because one day, it will all be over. We may not like it, but when we kiss...........FIRE. (Thank the Pointer Sisters.) I believe it is all worth the wait. The past few days have been nothing short of self-discovery and being able to allow my heart to open just a smidge. I may have been a liar, but not by my own fault. Now, by my own confession I told you. Not by you digging it out of me, since we all know how that would be a weak mission. Because I am so pigheaded and all. Making my head go round. I still continue to choke on my pride til it's blue in the face. Ignore that superficial part of myself. Sometimes, it's the only thing I have. Or the only thing I want to hold on to. Can you blame me? As it continues to be one of my stumbling blocks/stepping stones, and I adore it. I wear it like a feather boa, and beg you to look at me. Thank you.
If you cant lead a horse to water and force it to drink, than I am said horse. So who wants to play? Horse that is. For instance, I said I wanted to date, but then I wont. It is not appealing, and I only want to look good for myself. Self-love is important, but I adore Self-worship even more. Dating would remedy some issues, but it would cause a mess of them too.
So when should I drink the water?
I wasn't ready a year ago. 6. 7. 9 months ago. So am I ready now? Probably not. I am so wild at heart though, I can't help but have desire/satisfaction. And crave said two. Is it shallow? I imagine not. I am just a girl. A little Paula. Who's appetite will not be curbed until tasting something beautiful. Pure rapture. Abandon. Oh, and respect. Gotta have respect too.
It's tough to have my guard up so much. And more painful than I like to admit.
I'm such a crazy little filly I feel every bump in the road. I imagine there are folks out there who would covet my strong emotional ocean. I suppose an ocean couldn't even encompass those wonderful feelings either.
Guess who's still obsessed with fixing the little house she lives in? Me!!! I am still crazy for little pillows, and finding stuff on railroad tracks to add to my eclectic homestead. Crazy in love with my yard. I'm even crazy in love with the little yellow jackets. Just kidding. I hate those fuckers.Batten down the hatches!!! Bring it on!!! Hide in the storehouse. Lay on the floor. This is where I am. Still trying to improve here and there. Until more plans unfold. Things are happening. Changing. It's a good feelin'.
The PLN Plan. Soak in tub. Wallow in Vapor Rub. Rest. Drink some kind of wine. Oops. Or eat ice cream.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Dreams. Many. Starting Saturday with scary kidnapping dream. Tuesday night. Surreal dream of being in a car accident, but in the dream, I am with a dude, and he starts asking me "If it would be so bad?" I said "What?" He said "To wreck your car, it wouldn't be so bad." I said, "I guess not." He told me to " Let go." So I did. We were fine, looking over a cliff, my car laying there all mangled and shit. But dude and I are at the top of the cliff, and he asks "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
I responded with, "No, it wasn't bad, at all."
Last nights dream was, well, a naughty dream about a man. And that is all I am telling you.
Acting up on occasion is a good thing. I have been as of late, and I like it!!! Going more with my gut and really listening to myself, and actually being open....... has been healthy for me. The possibilities are showing themselves more and more. It's satisfying, and not just the salad I had for lunch either. Cute and mismatched. Impeccably human. I am in love with all of those ideas, and the promise of things always evolving. Thankful. For you. More than anything.
Champ update: His little baby face is looking much better. The antibiotics, have helped him so much in such a short period of time, I know, he's going to be just fine. And, that little baby, sits there and allows me! Me! To wash his face, even though it hurts him.
I understand Mother's Guilt.
Daddy update!!!! Daddy had to have day surgery last Friday, but is doing well. He's driving!!! I mean, raising hell in Piedmont. Mrs. Denton sits on her porch and shakes her head..... "Oh, that Kenny Paul....." Still driving Mama bananas, but I really think she loves it. It may be her guilty pleasure. At least from what I can see.
That's it. Call me!
Monday, September 14, 2009
I have been crying today. Nothing more than frustration. With my allergies. Surviving on Benadryl and Dayquil, also just drinking out of a gallon jug full of water. Doctor appointment tomorrow. I literally cant wait. I feel like a young boy getting ready to go to his first strip club.
I'm just that excited about it.
The weekend? Was wonderful. And fun. I'm just gonna tell ya, cause I have limited time, I had a blast with the 2 boys in the van at the biker rally! I did find a pick in my bra the next day when we got home, btw.
And that was enough to make me so incredulously happy, I believe, I may be on cloud nine.
If you take me at my worst, then you can handle me at my best.
That's all for now. I miss you!
Friday, September 11, 2009
One day, it's all going to have to be over. Hey, now just stating the obvious. Does it mean my heart will go on? Of course it will. So will yours. It is a big step. It will be scary. But, so necessary.
And common. I will miss it just as much as you do, so let's not draw it all out. Okay?
Hmm? What's that? (I just looked up from my coffee cup) What am I thinking? At that direct second I was thinking about how uneven my hair is, and how I need to wait to cut it again. It's too short. It's all fucked up. From my point of view.
Oh, you meant about our situation. Well, you know I love you, but....... it has become too much for me. I have all these emotional barriers, I'm not ready to let you help me but I am ready to let you go. I can't stand the thought of being controlled, even though, it's not what you're trying to do.... This thing comes at me, and I immediately put up my shield. (Wonder Woman bullshit, at that.)
I close my ears, cause I'm done listening. I've heard all I want to hear, so therefore there is no use for you to continue talking, complaining, pointing out where I fall short, and how I could improve.
So we need to end this. That's all.
I like the shocked look on your face. It's entertaining. This quarry has been mined, way too much over time. The technique is ineffective. Sorry.
When did you become such a proud ass? I knew you would pour on the drama! You wear it around like a big 'ol drag queen. Your nails do look amazing by the way.......
This isn't about how you look though. It's about my metamorphosis.
You know! How I'm changing into the beautiful butterfly!!!!! In exactly one month.
Miss Hot Pants Paula Queen of the Desert will be 30. To the day. We begin the countdown, slowly, and hopefully, to come out of the fire transformed, like a Phoenix. In heels.
And getting weekly manicures. But looking, a little hotter.
You have introduced a new night cream onto the shelf in the bathroom. Step one.
Eat well. Eat better. Do not cave in to cravings. You're so much better than that. Step two.
Keep trying. Even if you fail. Step three.
Comparisons are for the weak. Again, you're better than that. Step four.
Resolve. Be confident. Instead of treading the water, swim. Step five.
Acceptance. Step six.
If it aint workin', work it out! Step seven.
Sleep more. Maintain your rest. (Even if it doesn't fit into someone else's schedule.) Step eight.
Keep on keepin' on........ (Watch your speed.....) Step nine.
Plan a little more carefully, watch what you say, try not to eat your crow. Step ten.
I could go on, and on.
You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless. Song of Solomon 4:7
For this is what the Lord Almighty says, for whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye. Zechariah 2:8
The above verses go to all of us. The lessons I have learned over the year have helped me grow. The learning, has changed me. Bryan told me Tuesday that I have changed. He said all the changes have been for the best, and show my true colors and with that, proves how resilient a soul can be.
It looks like the whole lot of us are coming to the end of different passages of life. New eras. I am turning into a different woman than the 29 year old me. I believe, it's all gonna be alright.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I terrified Champ in the middle of his diarrhea fit, and of cousre, he was trying to run off, but doing this, slip in the poo-Scooby-Doo style. He ran into his kennel. Champ was scrubbed from head to toe. This is not where the crying began.
This had taken place well before coffee also.
The crying began when I discovered I didnt have working water. The crying truly began, when my Dad reprimanded me for something I did and didnt have a second thought about doing said thing. That's the pennace I have for living on his farm I suppose.
Of course, I ended up crying to and on 3 grown men total, one which was accidental. One of the fellas that came to look at the well, a man I cut up with and is always silly with, said, when are you gonna start courtin'? A good lookin' woman like you? Well, ding! Ding!! The tears were a rollin'....... I know, I terrified 3 grown yesterday, well, make it 4, including Daddy. I can understand. If you have ever been in the middle of one of my colossal meltdowns, you would curl up in the fetal position.
I don't know what had me upset more, the fact I still rely on my Daddy like a child, I didn't know how to fix the water, or what it was. I felt helpless yesterday. That was mostly it. I just didn't know how to help myself.
What a bummer, huh? I hate that!!! Then, of course, with Facebook continually TRYING to dominate my life, this thingy, What God wants you to know thing, told me the thing I am most afraid of is the thing that will make me the happiest. Well, FB, are ya lookin' into the glass ball or somethin'? I get it. I dig the message too.
So Michael Myers will make me happy? If you say so. I ain't The Boss. Bruce Springsteen is.
That was a little messy. I am here and there as usual. P.S., my eyeballs hurt. I look like a alien. The heart of the matter? Bitter battles with allergies. Wishing for a Netti pot. Absolutely no use for mascara today. Boo. The rhythm may try to get me, but I think it's my body that will get me in the end.
Sometimes, self discovery is unbelievably helpful, unlocks so many closed doors. Other times, it shows us exactly what we are. To be blunt, I don't always like what I discover. Like yesterday, I was shaky, and traumatized. I found myself constantly praying, for all good things. I asked God to help me see the good, and not be so insistent to have things my way. Because, it never happens the way I want it to, and usually, I'm happy with those results. Hard work is tough, but it looks amazing on you. How will I recognize a good thing when it comes along? What if I pursue what looks good for now? What if, I am the reason life is so disappointing at times? Heavy, yeah. These are things I need to address to myself. I need to.
I have had a ton of hidden thoughts the past few weeks. Random, and about random folks, and random occurrences too. Like, I bet you're a cheatin' sob, and that's why it didn't play out. I am broken hearted, so that's why you didnt fit in my lifestyle. You should reinvent yourself. Just a little. I'm glad to spend time with you. I thought about what you were doing. Are they really happy? Why not? Blaming YOU, doesn't help ME get ahead. I cant focus on the negative, it takes away from the positive. I want to be published. I want to buy a new life. Lack of motivation cannot be blamed on others. I'm sorry I'm not there for you. She would hate me, through no fault of her own. Sometimes, I don't feel like sharing things with others, cause I don't want my ideas to be stolen. I look right through it, like a ghost. Is it awful to miss someone, even of you just miss the sex? Was it horrible that I wanted you, just to belong? Or to be with you to fulfill only my selfish reasons? Like just to fix my car? Why are you such a nerd genius, and why does it drive me to Insaneville? I don't want to want it either. But I do. Nothing personal. Stay objective. Try to stay objective. Just aggravated with the whole process. Noticed for a moment, Enticed for a lifetime. It may be more work than necessary. Magic action. Magic fingers. I wish to freeze my desire and then hopefully warm it up for the appropriate fire. I wish you read my words, and you would respond back. I wish I had bought that Bukowski book. I wish you would buy me that Badgley Mischka ring!!! It would shut the world up. I wish I could spoil others, and not secretly wish to be spoiled back. I wish you were here. I finally understand why he always said, he only missed me sometimes.
Relief is in my hand, I just don't know what to do with it. So much more in my head, unable to express it in a healthy manner. So, I'm going to work harder on that one neccesity for me to be in control without giving into negative thinking. Or negative actions.
I may have to lose control in order to maintain it. Does your head hurt? Cause mine is pounding!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Whatever it is, embrace it. If it matters to you, it matters to me.
I read an interesting article last night. About how certain (evil) people stay thin. Well, sweetness, it looks like I'm doing everything right except for skipping workouts. Yeah, I get it. Paula, why bitch? You're cute. Little. Tiny. Listen, if it matters to you, it matters to me........
I get it Terry, you have been secretly plotting with Allure magazine and The Nason Household. I get it. I have to work out. And drink more fucking water. Point taken. Please stop handing out paraphernalia and start giving me open handed spankings. IS THAT TOO HARD?
Y'alls mind games are working. Clearly. I am drowning in a sea of paranoia and doubt!!! Congratulations! Hopefully, it will promote some motivation.
Hindered by allergies this week, I hope to progress a little further. I see though, the next few weeks are gonna be hairy. Due to the fact, I am reminded that I need to ovulate once AGAIN this month, is a dirty pool body, Dirty pool. I get it, you are the enemy, self. And all that encapsulates you! I call bullshit! And, SHOTGUN!!!!!!
Like a peach, ripe and juicy, I am fair for the pickin'.
Proven over and over again, I realize things are not as perfect as we like to portray. All in all, everyone bears their own damage. Someone I thought was amazing, wasn't so much. A person told me this week they thought marriage was different than what it is. I suppose, we all paint some kind of picture we want to see. I had to live through a marriage I believed I was happy in. Until his choices reflected exactly what it was. Pretend. I am faking it right now. Pretending I don't hate my own guts. Don't look at me like that. You feel the same way, except we take medication to deal with it. To ignore it. To make it. My way to make it? Is to point out the obvious, feel how I truly feel, good, bad, or indifferent. I'm guilty of hating. I'm guilty of loving. I doubt any one else's heart feels guilty. Right? I suppose our hearts just will not wane. I know that's why, I get so stirred up. And I still care about what you think. The garbage, the funk, the out and out fact that we ignore is because we are all so heavily medicated.....
I am thankful for the whole past 2 years. Where would I be? In a marriage that all in all made me unhappy? Would I have even more burdens that would bear even more heavily on me now? I'm not sure. I think we all unaware of our own actions.
We take for granted. Our spouses. Our friendships. Our children.
I do it too.
Although, as I am often treated like delicate glass, as I should be. I am Gods creature. He created us all to have a LITTLE heart. He also created us to learn lessons. He also, makes me wait on the things on what I took for granted. AGAIN.
Phrases heard through the week:
I just shut the fuck up.
I don't have an oven.
I just wish they were capable.
I wont attend a funeral for a man I didn't like.
There's a hole in my heart. And you are what needs to fill it. (right back at ya, kid.)
Will you pray for my husbands grandmother?
You cut your hair too short.
You can do it.
All I can do, and will do, is try harder. And I will.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
But what if I don't know of anything else to write about? What if I'm restricting myself? Why would I want to give up? I suppose, its doubt. And fear.
My knee socks are rolling down.
Hmm. Let's pray. That may be what I need. Bear with me.
I am scared. Frustrated. Confused. I pray you prepare my heart. I pray for your touch on me this morning. Help clear out these cobwebs that provoke negative thoughts. Please cleanse me of negative people. Help me see your Divine Love. I'm broken. I'm bare.
Dear God! Please don't let me wait too long!!!!
Where are these open doors? I don't pray for them anymore. Help my Spirit to rest. Calm my feeble temper. Let the storm pass.
I heard the sermon you sent. About how storms are necessary for a Christian to grow. The Pastor stated how we should pray for storms in our lives. Because that's when we cling to you. We learn in order to grow. I understand the message.
I'm asking Lord. Show me the path you want me to be on. With my writing. With the farm. With my parents. With my life in general. Open me up. To possibilities.
I realize, you have brought me to some pretty radical steps. You have brought confirmation and asked me to be brave, even if it reaped personal setback. Even if it means embarrassment. Even if it means, leaving things behind. Even, Lord, if it means I have to work THAT much harder.
I hope, those were the things you wanted me to pursue. You are working hard on my ill little heart. I know!!!! It's ornery!!!! It's a mean little thing. You force it open, sending messages.
Making me sensitive. Allowing me to count my blessings. Pull me out of the sea.
Just come get me.
Please Lord! Just don't let me wait too long.
I won't close with Amen, I want this prayer to stay open, to let you in all day long!
Wheeeew. It feels good to pray. It sweeps away that stifling feeling. Anyone who thinks I talk about God too much, is very afraid. And naive. And, probably a Liberal. (Kidding) Not that I mind, but folks label me all the time as a Republican Southern Baptist. And, my label, does not define me, I am beyond a label.... and imagination.
Well, honey, if lovin' you is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Leaving you with more song lyrics, that have become my mantra.
Jack Johnson, (famous pantie dropper) and a little bit of his song Breakdown.
But if you can't stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know
You don't know nothing
That you don't need to know
The wisdom's in the trees
Not the glass windows
You can't stop wishing
If you don't let go
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold
The frames too bright
So put the shades down low.......
Watch out, cause here I come!
Friday, September 4, 2009
But wait. What do I see? There's a toe still wigglin'. There's still some fight in the old girl just yet. Fake eyelash, hanging by a moment though. Funny, I don't feel very Vegas Showgirl right now.
Where did this huge headpiece come from? I get it. I wear different hats. Apparently, I need to put on my best foot forward. I like her. The Showgirl inside me. She's a cutie. She wants to Rock n' Roll all night, and party every day.
Cut the umbilical cord. It's time.
I'm glad today. I'm glad that God loves me no matter what shape I am in. Even in my most ornery mood, he still loves me. Wants to shape me, guide me. Even carry me. And, that makes me glad. It satisfies me today. Even when I am @ my worst, he still loves me. That blows me away. Love is a funny thing. I am thankful God isn't persnickety about us as humans. You know, in our realtionships, we push people away, in hope of drawing them closer to us. It's like watching a scary movie with your hands in front of your face, catching glimpses through open fingers. Silly penguin.
I want cowboy boots. I want this t-shirt with a deer w/cherry blossom antlers. I want some flashy sunglasses. Red lipstick. A garter belt. I want these pillows shaped like a campfire, and the little birdy one too. I want a super secret lair, which no one can find me. I want to be a chameleon and blend in with the jungle. I want a raft to ride on to go down the Mississippi...... I wanna play in a creek, and collect (more) rocks...... Most of all, I want to howl at the moon, and crawl home drunk as a coondog...... (Get @ me.)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
What's the point then? Life is messy. Our thoughts are messy. We as a whole are messy, strange individuals. I got in a tiff. About being Liberal. Nothing wrong with it. Unless, you are sitting pointing fingers..... If you are so open minded, and can be so untangled, why are other people's views so piousness to you? Just askin'. And just sayin'. You might eat your crow.
They even had to had the last word. I may have laughed 'til I cried, 'til I fell asleep.....
Dreams. Lots of dreams this week. Most of them involve me wearing lingerie. Which is a knee slapper. I'm not that type of gal. Monday night, I dreamed I was a stripper. Yeah. A stripper.
I was getting all dolled up, applying glitter, wearing literally nothing. I had no qualms about it. I was chattin' it up with buddies, putting on a bra, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I need to look up that meaning.
Tuesday? I dreamed I was being chased around town. In you guessed it! Lingerie. This time, in a purple and black lace thing. It was long in one scene, short the next. Sue made me sit on a billboard through most of this dream. This way, the killer couldn't get me, and my arms would be safe. (It kinda sounds logical....)
What? I know, right? He wanted to cut off my arms more than anything. Alright, I gotta look up lingerie and having arms cut off in dreams. (I'm giggling, by the way.)
There was also knee kissing in a grocery store, but, I really don't want to get into that.
To dream you are wearing lingerie, represents your sexual identity, body image, and self-esteem. You may be finally recognizing and acknowledging an aspect of yourself that was not previously expressed.
To see or wear panties in your dream, represents your feminine attitudes and feelings. It reflects a female point of view.
To dream you are wearing a bra signifies support and protection. Perhaps you need to have your spirits uplifted. (ha) Alternatively, it may represent your nurturing side and maternal feelings. (blech) TO dream you are not wearing a bra indicates that you have no discipline or control.
Alternative, it may reflect your sexual nature.
Well, I'm done picking up myself off the floor from laughing, and vomiting. Because, I laughed so hard it made me sick.
This one, though, made sense.
To dream that you are stripping indicates repression of your personal and physical desires.
You are yearning for greater self-expression.
Bingo baby. Me likey.
Here we go String Theory. Maybe we just live in a New England town. By the shore. With a picket fence. You can probably taste the salt on your lips. Near our cottage, there may be interesting warehouses. We probably walk to the dock every day. EEEeE. The house may be surrounded by a rock fence. (pretty) Never mind, that wouldn't be practical with the dogs and all.
Oh shit. I have the country all wrong again.
Mr. Pattison hair/Tyler Durden disposition man and I live on the French countryside. Surrounded by wheat. We have a cute garden in the backyard. Mr. PTD gripes about the rabbits, as I encourage them to eat out of the garden. He stares at me in disbelief.
Then, he grills me about "the book".
I look innocent.
The book you need to finish. I gasp. I also remind him, (do I not do ENOUGH??!!) that he hasn't signed up for that marathon he wants to run.(he also reminds me with his vicious fishing schedule, this cant be penciled in.)
At this point, I am still sitting on a blanket in the backyard, books scattered, ideas scrawled, page after page. Dogs, eating said sketching pencils. I'm fuming.
I look up at him, and his hair does look beautiful in the sunlight, I cant help but want to throw something at the SOB. Instead, I smile. Then, I throw a God Almighty fit.
Yeah. it's a biggen. We both start finger pointing, crying. Cover our faces, bury our feelings. My dress blows in the breeze. I ask, what do we do? Where do we go? Mr. PTD states, we have to map out a plan.
I concur. He also reminds me how I need a publisher.
At this point, it's evening. I haven't brought in the clothes from the clothesline and he hasn't gathered any wood for the fireplace. ( did you doubt it had a fireplace?) We drink wine anyway, out in the moonlight. I thank him for being a leader, as he thanks me for allowing him to take the lead. (power struggles, are outdated.)
I'm as mad as a hatter. Maybe, I just need a good lay. Funny. Funny girl. That's me. ha. (out of breath.) I am going to The Tallapoosa this weekend. Exciting!!! It's gonna be fun. I'm gonna lose my mind in debauchery and wine. That's the plan at least. I'm gonna double dare somebody, end up on the roof, fall off, and have someone laugh at me. I'm gonna sit outside, and not feel like an outsider. Not that I do with my friends, I just feel that way in general. (on occasion.) Out of my skin. Uncomfortable. Unable to facilitate actual movement, and not pulling any great cons either. Plain and simple. I wanna wanna wanna.
If I were a rich girl.
I am also going to do shots of whiskey.Congratulations. I'm fucking tickled. I'm the picture of happy. Balanced. I'm in every different direction today. Reliving personal nightmares over and over, and of course, finding ways to blame myself. It's a strange comfort to do that. It seems fair and correct.
Careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.
I have memories of nobody, and everyone in between. I have flashes of preparedness. I have visions of rapture. I have moments of clarity. I bang on the door of almost. I lay in the floor in defeat. I throw shoes at you for disappointing me. I hide. Always. I secretly hate my phone and all forms of communication. I'm very scared most of the time, but somehow turn into a rattlesnake.
And, that is only my morning.(in real life.)
I'm only one person, but, as a little birdy reminds me, Hitler was only one person.
And look what he did.
Alright. I'm not looking for mass destruction, or literal extermination of other races. I am looking for total domination in my realm. My life. My course. I guess I could compare myself to the Apostle Paul. He had to start at the bottom, lay in prison, and finally get to the top. He was taught many lessons, and he never gave up.
Hello possibilities. Goodbye doubt.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I have so much to write, but can't calculate at the moment.
Allergies. Adventuring with Terry this evening. I can't wait.
I should be writing more. I know. I just can't get in the mood. I feel very distant from my feelings as of late. I think it's appropriate. My foothold, is surviving......