Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I cant keep trying to break into your heart and waiting to have my eureka moment. Ive tried to say Ive had enough and cant keep investing in a profit weary fund. You either want me to succeed or not. I need support. Dont ask how you can, just do it. Find a way. Realationships are hard. If im in a ditch, lend me a hand. If life hands you lemons, make a pie or something like that. Food is comfort, but soul food is better for the garden. In a trace here I am, still waiting. Almost in the garden, daydreaming about it all. I stare at the horizon and hope. I told myslef staring at the stove, maybe it wasnt enough. To hope. I need rescue, and reminded how I shouldnt cry. If this is my only lifeline, the only way I can communicate. How is it bad? All I need is all I need, and I may need a lot. Maybe just for a few minutes, maybe for a lifetime. Im in the sea and begging to be brought on baord. Its better if you swim! Its better if you do it alone! (but whatifi cant- and thats what I say) The only reason you cant believe that is disbelief. Disbelief is your hurdle. Not mine, and please dont punish me for the work you need to do. Im standing in the middle of the cornfield. Mouth muffled. I could run. I could. I could get by and I do. I guess Im just getting a little tired of this. If im sick then I just have to keep plugging away. She said we are struggling and coping with post traumatic syndrome. I allow that is true. Standing at the mouth of that volcano is tough. but thats what we are, and thats whats expected. Are you ready to stand at the volcano with us? Are you willing to feel that heat?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I could describe how I feel pefectly in this song. I'm having one of those socially acceptable moments of clarity and insanity. Probably both. Probably. In between the dark and the light. Get ya baby one of these nights. Yes, I'm there. I'm very much like Darkwing Duck. Dont doubt. Thats where it gets dangerous. You got your demons, you got your desires, but ive got a few of my own. YoutellemEagles. Where did my normal go? Straight out the window and it broke my heart a little more. I dont need your rules togoplayinthe woods. If i am cracking up, then ok? Right? That last phrase made zero sense. It also doesnt make sense that i have so much bueno disguised as booboo. i said it. dont judge me. One of these dreams, One of these lost and lonely dreams, Were gonna find one, One that really screams. I like those lyrics. Too much like propchecy for me. It's coming true.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I'm burnt out! ? there. I said it. nothing has changed though and I swear I admit this often. Im swimming in a vat of pig lard. I pretend to like the pig lard, but I really don't. Not so much. Does the pig lard benefit me? Well yes. Yes it does. But not emotionally. Or physically. But here I am. Begging. Yep. Ive changed my prayers into begging. Literal crying, knees on the floor, begging. Im angry to a point. Im lonely up here on my mountaintop. Its a quiet struggle that is turning into pure tyranny. It is. I mean, I dont care. at all. not the least bit. If its value Im lookinf for, the buck starts here. I dont know how to reach out. I cant help to feel like "us" vs. "them". me no likey. So Lord, touch me. Im asking. Please.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I find myself lying by the sea. all dressed up with nowhere to go. Asking for guidance, and begging for relief. I cant stand the way I have to beg, and wake up in a vast darkness. Visions of being attacked by those demons I cant seem to fight today. Making my own pillows, working very hard on myself, and ignoring the fact I cant be seen. Good job pig is going to cut it today. For that matter, I dont know if good job pig isnt going to cut it at all. Am I greedy? I really dont think so. I think I am beyond frustrated and tired of hearing only my voice. I have sick dogs and Im terrified they are sick because of me. What to do? Start just doing everything Im just going to do and not care about those wild repercussions I imagine could happen? My garden is small, and I have to do all the work. you might want to eat out of my garden and claim that you deserve half, brag to your friends about "our" garden when truthfully, you just expected me to do all the work without me getting upset about it. We have to work. this is a part of life. even when my face is puffy, and im told my blood pressure may be down. she said I looked just like a ghost. even my ears were white. I cant tell if I feel good or bad, because this is just how I feel all the time. I get that dig in my belly when im told things i cant stand to hear. i feel disappointed for the people who disappoint me. Its really a shame. A cold shame. if only I could. Scratch that, IF ONLY I WILL. i dont want to be carried off, honey poured on me, and have the ants unleashed. i cry and the world turns its shoulder. im tough and it cant get enough of me. silly stuff there. anyway. i have to redo the clothesline and buy my weed eater. because no matter how much I want someone else to do it, there just isnt enough money or time. p.s. im getting scandalous about my coupon cutting.