Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sometimes I have grown out of where I live. I am trying to learn to take my time. FOCUS. (Raging fire) When I get out of line, learn to focus once again. Rise to the challenge. Signature temperature. no more short stories. Now, it's time for a novel. Second sight. I am at a point where doing what is necessary to get things right and done well. The waiting in the wings could be our breakthrough. I don't have to hang on to every word, I just have to soak in every word, because every word has turned out to be important. Grooming my focus. Realizing I can inventory what matters. Discovering the real big deals. These fleeting moments of flaring emotions from unsecured outlets letting that damage take control., has drained me from enjoying what fills me up. Matters. Object of my ultimate desire. Even if I am going somewhere in my own mind, it's the therapy and breakdown of what I wanted and needed to hear. Comfort zone.
Finding that road that we tarry on and having our eyes opened to the fact that we are never alone until we chose to be. Usually a person wants to be on that tough path with you. Help you rest. Restore.
That is my known hope.
Oh, and never forget, Show 'em what you've got!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Why? Why cry into my Reece pieces? I have come to the dramatic conclusion Reece pieces are a part of a balanced diet due to the fact they have 5 grams of protein in them. Count it. 5. Some of you know I read labels when I food shop, it's habit. I am usually adding and subtracting speculating over the amounts of protein and fiber amounts. Insane.
I had wild visions last night. It would be ignorant to call them dreams because when I sleep I sleep lightly anymore. At one point I had my arms flung around Champ and a Tiger headdress on.....sweating. My visions were of the future. Vivid and bright. Probably a third dimension wonderland that only I can see right now. Don't worry, I have some extra goggles for you to see it too. Visions that were made up of men in suits, (awfully nice suits), me preparing garden, rescuing pretty green plants, and of course, commanding an army of chickens. Really. (I just want their eggs.)
Oh, and really wanting to dress like Gwennie's character in The Royal Tanenbaums. Seriously. Really, really, take the time and read up on braiding hair and taking the 2 seconds it takes to do so. Really. Most importantly, finding my focus. At least focus on one thing. I am ultimately detached form so much. Too many fingers in the pie? Daydreaming entirely too much? (Is that possible?)
One thing I am discovering is that I am not alone in feeling alien. Displaced. Maybe my third eye is waking up, don't fault me for being drowsy..... I miss my best friends. They both live in different states than I do. I miss having that sense of "live and let die" attitude I had. Most of the time I create these imaginative stumbling blocks for myself. Which is self destructive. Also, not writing in my journal. Feeling as if there may be no point. I need my home to be cleansed. I need to speak protection and love over my household. I'm not far out, some of you may not be far out there enough. At least I found out I am an individual. Maybe this is the learning curve. Finding out I had to be an individual, and there's no turning back, or taking it back. Realizing how fortunate I am and admitting so might help me sail.
If you need me I will be jamming to funk and stuffing extra money in mason jars......
Thursday, April 22, 2010
What I want you to take from this is stories of this nature are necessary to read, then we realize where we need to "keep house" in our own lives. Now hug everyone you see.
I love you.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I literally have nothing of value in my home. At least I thought. Not to anyone else. Loss seems familiar. Unfortunately. I wish I could feel more secure feelings. I feel overwrought and without direction. Then this happened. It seemed to seal the deal. I repeat, I do not have many things. You would imagine the people who did this would think, and old lady must live here with all the cardigans and bibles laying around. A snazzy grandma, but a grandma at least. I'm going to be frank, my stomach hurts.
My dogs are fine, which I am grateful for. I am trying to not panic.
Another devotion. By Pastor Laurie of course. This will be brief due to the short period of time I have today. He talks about a story between a U.S. Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. The Canadians warned the Americans, " Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." The Americans responded, "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision." The Canadians said, "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." The Americans: "This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course." "No. I say again, you divert your course." The Americans went on to explain who they were, what they had, and ultimately defend their course of action however they saw fit. After a brief moment of silence, the Canadians responded: "This is a lighthouse. It's your call." (I laughed)
Sometimes we don't like what God wants us to do, and we want Him to change course when, in reality, it is you and I who ought change course. (Amen, Brother Laurie.)
We need to understand that God's plans are better than ours. Having said that, it doesn't mean that they are always the easiest or even the most appealing at the moment. There are times in our lives when we might not like the plan of God - Not at all! Even so, God's plans are always better for us in the long run.
For our present troubles are quite small and won't last long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! 2 Corinthians 4:17
For the ones who read my blog can understand the past few blogs have been about understanding our circumstances, waiting for change, and really searching out answers. Most of you know how much I believe in signs, and that I know God has been showing me a path little by little. Answering my prayers that I have prayed for people I love whether they know it or not. the name of that devotion was "Learning to yield." All I can imagine is that what God wants me to understand, and to sit, pray, and wait. This is the direction I need to go in. Am I satisfied? Maybe not so much. I still have many questions and I feel like a raging sea. Then I read something like this. It does deliver some relief.
I also ran across some information that soothes me also. My love of crows I try not to hide. They are my object of affection, and I want to share some things from the bible about crows.
"He gives to the animals their food." Psalm 147:9 reads, "and to the young ravens when they cry."
"Who provides for the raven it's prey," God asks Job rhetorically, "when it's young ones cry to God, and wander about for lack of food?"
He was answering Job out of the storm, replying to Job's complaints not by direct answers, but by showing his character and power.
Ravens served the God of Israel. Noah sent out a raven, which flew back and forth until the water from the earth had dried up. A dove was the next messenger, the one which came back.
The prophet Elijah (who is easy to identify with) was told by God to leave where he was and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan river. God told him to drink from the brook, and God ordered the ravens to feed Elijah. Elijah did what he was told. The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.
I believe in provision. I believe we get what we want through God's hand if we ask for it. If we have the vision to look for it. I know God brings us where we can survive. The more I buck, the more God is showing me He is the one to give me answers. It's okay to discuss how you feel, it's better to discuss things and to look for avenues to relieve burdens. Obviously, my own hand destroys me than builds me up. Proud people, especially Christians, when they become too prideful, God will take it from you. This shows in my divorce. I was very prideful of what I had, and in the end it was the best thing. Am I saying God devastated my life? No, I am saying He gave me enough support and vision to see what I ultimately NEEDED. T was the vessel to teach me a lesson. To show who wanted to be in my life, and to show me how to sow seeds for a life that I WANTED to live. You know me kiddies, pain results in pleasure to a fault in my mind.
Although, I could use a little less to be fearful of. I love you!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Galatians 5:16 - So I say, live by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Trying new things is a good thing. This isn't working out, and I need change. The old routine has proved it's work in not working out, so why continue in the pattern? Doing the same thing doesn't yield different results. Just more of the same.
I heard some radical news this morning. Then, I read this.
When to Run by Pastor Greg Laurie
Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts. 2 Timothy 2:22
Some years ago, there was a story about a man who had a tree fall on his leg. With no one around to come to his rescue, he took out a pocketknife and proceeded to amputate his leg. Then he made his way up the road until someone picked him up and raced him to help. Amazingly, this man who had a severed leg still had enough presence of mind to tell the driver of the vehicle not to go too fast. He said, " I didn't come this far to die on the road. Take it easy."
I remember reading that story and thinking, "He did what? how could this guy cut off his leg? I would have laid under the tree and just waited for help." But the doctors who treated him later said that if he hadn't taken such a drastic measure, he would have died. The action saved his life.
Sometimes we must take radical, drastic steps to remove ourselves from whatever it is hurting us spiritually. that may mean immediate change. It may mean physically getting up and saying, "I'm out of here."
You might be at a party, watching a movie, in a particular relationship, or in a place where you have no business being. Whatever it is, you realize you shouldn't be there. God is convicting you. He is saying, "What are you doing here?" Don't be foolish. Just get up and go. That's not always possible, but many times it is.
Is there a relationship or a situation in which you don't belong? Has God been speaking to you about it? You'll be glad you took the time to listen.
This devotion is so personal to me on so many levels, and I need you all to know this since sometimes, it's the only way you know what is going on in my life. And you might be one of the biggest treasures in my life, and I can't pretend I don't need you. This whole blog post is an open letter to you my friend. I love you. I miss you.
The part where Pastor Laurie describes the man with the self amputated leg? I relate to the man with an self amputated leg. And, I felt like the lot of you who read my blog, can identify also. "I didn't come this far to die on the road. Take it easy." Amen, brother. I have had the pleasure of witnessing many miracles. Some happened this week. My ex- mother in law came to visit me at work. I had not seen her or spoken to her since the divorce. I felt utterly abandoned by Thomas, and his entire family. It damaged me to the core. She told me that she and T did not speak for a long time afterward, because he felt as if she were on his side. She said she was on my side. Having her tell me that helped me let go of my anger toward his family quite a bit. Seeing her also made me bust out into tears in the middle of work also. She said T didn't work hard enough to make things work, but he had made up his mind. I did not ask about him, and we kept it short and and as brief as possible as you can from a woman who was your family.
Another part of the devotion I could relate to and I know you can to is "sometimes we must take radical, drastic steps to remove ourselves." One miracle that has happened also? Is that B encouraged me to trust Champ off his leash at my house. It really is a nightmare to think about him running off, and B helped prove to me that Champ only wants to be with me. He might run too far, but he will come back. Letting go is difficult. Champ doesn't leave the yard. He seems mightily confused by the barbed wire fence. Yesterday he did run past the fence. He is curious about so many things. then he saw me and came running back and sat on my lap as I read a book. This is a miracle that I trust him, and vice versa. It has helped everyone in our family. Plus, LBD doesn't run off as long as we stay outside.
I'm in a place I can't describe. Sometimes I want to describe it as a wonderland. Full of smoking caterpillars and talking flowers. Sometimes, I describe it as a warland. Full of landmines, bombs. Anger.
What really moved me in the devotion is when he says "God is convicting you." I utterly believe this. We all have to make changes in order to move ahead. We may not have a pot to piss in, and the one you do have, you realize it can be taken away from you unless you act. Drastic. Realistic. Radical. These words fit together more than ever.
I had a dream about The Rapture last night. It did scare me. It was a realistic dream. To those who may not believe in The Rapture, or never heard of it, it sounds just as intense as it will be. Why believe? Why not? I believe it is going to happen. I dreamed I was in my car. Driving. It looked like Knoxville. On the horizon I could see what looked like a tornado. I remember panic. Except the closer it got, the more clearly I could see. People were being snatched up, that part was clear. I remember being on the phone and told the person I was afraid. I asked them to surrender their soul. I remember nothing afterward. I woke up, and I was afraid. Knowing God doesn't scare me. Knowing I hadn't done enough witnessing did scare me. I laid awake and prayed. I prayed for many things to come to light and I prayed for more open doors. First, I have to see the open door and make the choice to go through.
The dream dictionary only had a meaning for the apocalypse, not The Rapture. But it described as follows: Dreaming of the apocalypse signifies emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one lifestyle and the beginning of another. It seemed spot on.
I dreamed about snakes also. I don't believe the 2 are relative to the other.
I have to sit and be still. But I am thankful for reading this devotion, and hearing God move through radical changes on our own.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
B and I hiked Allum Cave yesterday and it was gorgeous. I was on lookout for snakes, because it seems like I always run up on one and walk over them in oblivion. Super dangerous there folks. B has a lot of rules when we hike which made me call him a joy sucker and we both were "fight or flight" at that point. We talked things out and I need to adjust my attitude sometimes. We really had fun with the picnic and B laughing because I ate half a bag of Sunchips on the way home.....
Not a lot to say but I'm proud of you and keep on truckin'.......
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
have only my dreams.
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
because you tread on my dreams.
and I understand reading a book and understanding where the author was going and getting lost in the explaination of it all. The trouble with translation is one will never really see or get the colors, the raw emotion, the unattainable gnaw of the moment. my sidetracked nature is obvious in evry post, in every word, all in all. i lay awake bothered by the fact it wasnt gotten. the water sure was hot, but you didnt bother to try it. i hate how short of fuse it can be. or turns out to be. by the way, i am a fabulous typist but if you only knew how many times have messed up the words. and so I thought i was going to be uber creative and passionate and it turns out all i am is not the girl behind the curtain. absolute liar, remaining defensless you get by without a flaw. one day i thought i could do what you can do, but hen i recognize what you do is only special because you do it. trying to be like you is a mistake. when will the funds come in and make it work? do i tell you too much? even if i had it at home i wouldnt know what to do with it. this half life i am all of a sudden aware of is scary. no one is more shiny than i am. most souls dont understand the ground i stand on. im shaky from the disbelief. it was typical the woman didnt acknowledge me from church, and i wanted to remind her of it. but i didnt because shes a client and that would have been rude. from my pov thats why folks dont see Jesus in us. thats why. change, change, be on the way.
COME ON HOLIDAY!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Our church service was so great yesterday. We attend a huge church that I have not been very open to. Instead of having ill feelings toward it all though, I have started praying pretty randomly at that, for God to prepare my heart. Soften me. Let me hear him. Give me the compassion to open up. And He has. the music is contemporary and hard for me to get into. There are around 150 to 300 people at every service. The pastor spoke directly to me yesterday. The pastor has a new series called "Help, my family's crazy" type thing. (Series will last till Mother's Day.) It hit me hard. Learning forgiveness, staying in church, stepping out of old behaviors. I cried all the way through it. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable telling you all this on my blog, but it's all the truth and weighing very hard on me. I suppose the point of telling you this is, even though B and I cant move forward, even though we are going to a church that I didn't think I would ever start enjoying is we have already taken many leaps of faith and I think we have started to see the beginning of the fruit of our labor. It may be longer, oh but it may not be. God is good, and the wait will be worth all the effort.
I feel like a bride counting down the days to her wedding.
If you want to know more about the series, I will gladly email the information and help any way I can.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
"Under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows it's true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do it's work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way." James 1:2-4
With so much going on or as I read, "not going on," maybe I am wrong. Another week goes by and see no real change. I am in a tight spot. I feel under everyone's thumb. There isn't a real decision I can make for myself in order to get ahead. So then I have to wait. Then all I can hear in my head is Mama telling me to take a leap of faith. She's super right to a point.
I understand how Ladybird feels when she has to stay in the dog pen. Out in the open, but ready to run. Unfortunately, she is under control. Even though she does know to stay away from danger. Protected to the point of punishment. Maybe my POV is misconstrued, but honest.
Enough of that.
I looked at you with clear blue eyes and asked. The future seemed so open and bright. We sat like a bird in the cage. Only to sing for a half hour of the day. The Master brought us out, and we loved that feeling. When He came in the room and we saw his face. When we were shiny and hopeful, never doubting the promise! Brought through safely, but ruing the time in the cage.
(Learn your lesson)
I watch a man walk through the parking lot as he goes to the cemetery across the street. I don't know who he goes to visit and half the time I don't see him come back. There's a story for sure. He may spend all day there. Again, I'm not so sure. If I do see him walking, I watch him until he goes in. I like people watching. I wonder what they are thinking. Where they are going, that sort of thing. Are they a churning storm? Are they pleasantly surprised with what life they are living? Sometimes I make up elaborate stories about a person's life. Walk outside my own. Take a break.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Many updates here so try to follow the mad rambling mess. Lets start with Easter. Life is hard on the boulevard folks, but just you try to stop B and I going to church. The plan was to meet at my house around 10:30. Did this happen? no. Not B's fault, just a lot going on. B was supposed to pick up his car he had left at his parents house the day before since he took the farm truck to his house the day before. Well, B's parents took his car to church. B's folk's house is 5 minutes away but with the local swarm of THP and Sheriff's department this just isnt happening. After all, it is Easter morning. So he did get to the house, dog's in cages, I had been completely dressed, hair brushed, makeup on! Ready to go! Bible in hand. B had to finish getting ready, change shirts, comb hair, blah, blah, blah. We were busy. (Dog's mad) So I started the super wagon up to cool it off, bc it was HOT Sunday morning, which I ate up, B, not so much. I drove like a crazy woman, B reminding me NOT to swerve for animals in the road. (I've GOT this.) We get to church, kind of running, trying to catch our breath, Pastor Bob had already started. We were trying to sneak into church and of course everyone looked at us, and I smiled like a Cheshire cat. We sat behind mom and dad and were just grateful to be there. All in all, we survived church and had lunch with the folks, hid Easter eggs and had a good time. We went over to B's Mom's and Dad's, not only to pick up the car but to visit. B's folks live next door to people who have little bitty baby mini horses which I always wave at and annoy. One of them had a baby!!!! It was sooooooooo cute, and not bigger than Champ. CRAZY!!! A horse not bigger than Champ!!!!!!! Whoooo HOOOO! As you can see, Easter Sunday, was a dream come true.
Will update you more later gators. Duty calls.