Monday, April 19, 2010


Rethinking the American Dream is just one thing on my mind today. I'm thinking of repairs, of letting go, and of course, forgiveness. I'm thinking about burning pictures, selling memories. Quite a bit has happened. So there I am. A big liar. I want to come clean. It's not a secret that I share your burden. At least, I hope it isn't. I'm trying new things and sticking to them. I have learned a pretty hard lesson this week. That I have to sit and wait. Sit and be still. Even though there were some pretty clear answers that I believe came through my ears, they were not the answers I wanted. Again, sit and be still is what I hear.

Galatians 5:16 - So I say, live by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Trying new things is a good thing. This isn't working out, and I need change. The old routine has proved it's work in not working out, so why continue in the pattern? Doing the same thing doesn't yield different results. Just more of the same.

I heard some radical news this morning. Then, I read this.

When to Run by Pastor Greg Laurie

Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts. 2 Timothy 2:22

Some years ago, there was a story about a man who had a tree fall on his leg. With no one around to come to his rescue, he took out a pocketknife and proceeded to amputate his leg. Then he made his way up the road until someone picked him up and raced him to help. Amazingly, this man who had a severed leg still had enough presence of mind to tell the driver of the vehicle not to go too fast. He said, " I didn't come this far to die on the road. Take it easy."

I remember reading that story and thinking, "He did what? how could this guy cut off his leg? I would have laid under the tree and just waited for help." But the doctors who treated him later said that if he hadn't taken such a drastic measure, he would have died. The action saved his life.

Sometimes we must take radical, drastic steps to remove ourselves from whatever it is hurting us spiritually. that may mean immediate change. It may mean physically getting up and saying, "I'm out of here."

You might be at a party, watching a movie, in a particular relationship, or in a place where you have no business being. Whatever it is, you realize you shouldn't be there. God is convicting you. He is saying, "What are you doing here?" Don't be foolish. Just get up and go. That's not always possible, but many times it is.

Is there a relationship or a situation in which you don't belong? Has God been speaking to you about it? You'll be glad you took the time to listen.

This devotion is so personal to me on so many levels, and I need you all to know this since sometimes, it's the only way you know what is going on in my life. And you might be one of the biggest treasures in my life, and I can't pretend I don't need you. This whole blog post is an open letter to you my friend. I love you. I miss you.

The part where Pastor Laurie describes the man with the self amputated leg? I relate to the man with an self amputated leg. And, I felt like the lot of you who read my blog, can identify also. "I didn't come this far to die on the road. Take it easy." Amen, brother. I have had the pleasure of witnessing many miracles. Some happened this week. My ex- mother in law came to visit me at work. I had not seen her or spoken to her since the divorce. I felt utterly abandoned by Thomas, and his entire family. It damaged me to the core. She told me that she and T did not speak for a long time afterward, because he felt as if she were on his side. She said she was on my side. Having her tell me that helped me let go of my anger toward his family quite a bit. Seeing her also made me bust out into tears in the middle of work also. She said T didn't work hard enough to make things work, but he had made up his mind. I did not ask about him, and we kept it short and and as brief as possible as you can from a woman who was your family.

Another part of the devotion I could relate to and I know you can to is "sometimes we must take radical, drastic steps to remove ourselves." One miracle that has happened also? Is that B encouraged me to trust Champ off his leash at my house. It really is a nightmare to think about him running off, and B helped prove to me that Champ only wants to be with me. He might run too far, but he will come back. Letting go is difficult. Champ doesn't leave the yard. He seems mightily confused by the barbed wire fence. Yesterday he did run past the fence. He is curious about so many things. then he saw me and came running back and sat on my lap as I read a book. This is a miracle that I trust him, and vice versa. It has helped everyone in our family. Plus, LBD doesn't run off as long as we stay outside.

I'm in a place I can't describe. Sometimes I want to describe it as a wonderland. Full of smoking caterpillars and talking flowers. Sometimes, I describe it as a warland. Full of landmines, bombs. Anger.

What really moved me in the devotion is when he says "God is convicting you." I utterly believe this. We all have to make changes in order to move ahead. We may not have a pot to piss in, and the one you do have, you realize it can be taken away from you unless you act. Drastic. Realistic. Radical. These words fit together more than ever.

I had a dream about The Rapture last night. It did scare me. It was a realistic dream. To those who may not believe in The Rapture, or never heard of it, it sounds just as intense as it will be. Why believe? Why not? I believe it is going to happen. I dreamed I was in my car. Driving. It looked like Knoxville. On the horizon I could see what looked like a tornado. I remember panic. Except the closer it got, the more clearly I could see. People were being snatched up, that part was clear. I remember being on the phone and told the person I was afraid. I asked them to surrender their soul. I remember nothing afterward. I woke up, and I was afraid. Knowing God doesn't scare me. Knowing I hadn't done enough witnessing did scare me. I laid awake and prayed. I prayed for many things to come to light and I prayed for more open doors. First, I have to see the open door and make the choice to go through.

The dream dictionary only had a meaning for the apocalypse, not The Rapture. But it described as follows: Dreaming of the apocalypse signifies emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one lifestyle and the beginning of another. It seemed spot on.

I dreamed about snakes also. I don't believe the 2 are relative to the other.

I have to sit and be still. But I am thankful for reading this devotion, and hearing God move through radical changes on our own.


  1. Lovely post. I dream about snakes often, that and tornadoes.

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